St Louis
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "St. Louis Chapter 8 part 1"Can McKenzie solve Megan Nelson?s murder?
17 total reviews
Comment from Corrie Lewis
The word "grinned" when referring to Logan is repetitive. Smirked, smiled, laughed, chuckled could be used.
This is my first time reading from your manuscript. I like Logan and McKenzie. I liked the tension between them. I also like the italisized copy of their thoughts. The dialog ran smoothly and seemed natural, not forced. Good job.
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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2019
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The word "grinned" when referring to Logan is repetitive. Smirked, smiled, laughed, chuckled could be used.
This is my first time reading from your manuscript. I like Logan and McKenzie. I liked the tension between them. I also like the italisized copy of their thoughts. The dialog ran smoothly and seemed natural, not forced. Good job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2019
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Thank you for your kind review. I will check the grinned, there's no way he smirked. I also use smiled, laughed and chuckled a lot. I will research another word. Smirk means to smile in an affected, smug, or offensively familiar way. That's not what he did.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Barbara,
And things looked to be going so well. Looks like Mac has some alcohol related baggage going on. Perhaps her mother?
I may have mentioned it before, but using the dash to signify an interruption is more usual than the ellipsis.
She grinned. "I called Mrs. Whitmore. - need closing speech marks here.
I'll get mine and meet you. You're line looks longer." - Your line.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2019
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Hi Barbara,
And things looked to be going so well. Looks like Mac has some alcohol related baggage going on. Perhaps her mother?
I may have mentioned it before, but using the dash to signify an interruption is more usual than the ellipsis.
She grinned. "I called Mrs. Whitmore. - need closing speech marks here.
I'll get mine and meet you. You're line looks longer." - Your line.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2019
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I'm trying to work on the dash. My computer throws a fit when I wish them. I'm not sure why. I guess I need to work harder on them. Thank you.
Comment from tfawcus
This relationship is depicted in a way that makes it most interesting. They both seem to be tiptoeing on eggshells! You're certainly keeping us in suspense over that list of qualities Mac's looking for in a perfect husband!
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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This relationship is depicted in a way that makes it most interesting. They both seem to be tiptoeing on eggshells! You're certainly keeping us in suspense over that list of qualities Mac's looking for in a perfect husband!
Comment Written 03-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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Thank you for the kind review
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Either an alcoholic ex or an alcoholic father ... or something quite different. Mac is not very helpful when it comes to her own safety, it sounds like there could be trouble tonight according to Bill. Enjoyed the game, even though Logan was on alert all the time, I think they both enjoyed it, up until he had that beer. Looking forward to hearing what Bill has to say about that, too. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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Either an alcoholic ex or an alcoholic father ... or something quite different. Mac is not very helpful when it comes to her own safety, it sounds like there could be trouble tonight according to Bill. Enjoyed the game, even though Logan was on alert all the time, I think they both enjoyed it, up until he had that beer. Looking forward to hearing what Bill has to say about that, too. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 03-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Ben Colder
Nothing like a good game of baseball to change attitudes. This is some couple you have created in this story. Now comes detail. LOL. Thanks for sharing another good episode
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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Nothing like a good game of baseball to change attitudes. This is some couple you have created in this story. Now comes detail. LOL. Thanks for sharing another good episode
Comment Written 02-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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Thank you for the kind review. I am hoping readers can relate to these two. They are far from perfect.
Comment from light
For some reason, Logan's beer drinking seems to have caused a rift. I don't know if Mac is over sensitive about alcohol, or if Logan has a drinking problem.
She may be right to be cautious.
Elaine
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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For some reason, Logan's beer drinking seems to have caused a rift. I don't know if Mac is over sensitive about alcohol, or if Logan has a drinking problem.
She may be right to be cautious.
Elaine
Comment Written 02-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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We'll have to wait and see if what the problem is. I am sure it will come out. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
That was verrrry much like a date. Why were they out having fun together? Hmmm...
Mac must have past issues with an alcoholic, maybe her father? Or maybe a drunk driver hurt someone she loved?
Maybe she was a [Cub] fan. <-- Cubs fan, needs an S.
I won't let these threats [takeover] my life. <-- Typo on "take over"
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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That was verrrry much like a date. Why were they out having fun together? Hmmm...
Mac must have past issues with an alcoholic, maybe her father? Or maybe a drunk driver hurt someone she loved?
Maybe she was a [Cub] fan. <-- Cubs fan, needs an S.
I won't let these threats [takeover] my life. <-- Typo on "take over"
Comment Written 02-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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Thank you for the catches. I have made the changes. I appreciate the help.
Comment from Sylvia Page
Hello Barbara,
No this does not seem like fluff, I enjoyed every bit of it. It kept me engrossed in the story until the end. It also portrayed very good visions making me feel I was right there. Thank you.
Sylvia
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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Hello Barbara,
No this does not seem like fluff, I enjoyed every bit of it. It kept me engrossed in the story until the end. It also portrayed very good visions making me feel I was right there. Thank you.
Sylvia
Comment Written 02-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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Thank you for the encouragement.
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You are welcome
Comment from judiverse
Great going! Excellent character development and interplay between the two. The two are keeping things light so far and they enjoy the baseball game. Logan's determined to see that Mac is protected. We don't know what caused Mac to get upset by Logan's having a beer. Sounds like that's something to be explained. I didn't think this was too long. I can understand how the scene at the game couldn't very well be split up. Bill has arranged security, since Logan doesn't think he'll be welcome.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2019
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Great going! Excellent character development and interplay between the two. The two are keeping things light so far and they enjoy the baseball game. Logan's determined to see that Mac is protected. We don't know what caused Mac to get upset by Logan's having a beer. Sounds like that's something to be explained. I didn't think this was too long. I can understand how the scene at the game couldn't very well be split up. Bill has arranged security, since Logan doesn't think he'll be welcome.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2019
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I think the beer incident will have a much longer explanation later and will follow up much later. Thank you for the kind review.
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You're very welcome. I think Bill had mentioned something about an explanation. judi
Comment from susand3022
Hi Barbara, I like this first part of Chapter 6. Relationship development is never 'fluff' and Mac definitely has issues with alcohol... and her mother. All things we'll most likely find out about from Bill tomorrow night at dinner. ;) lol
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2019
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Hi Barbara, I like this first part of Chapter 6. Relationship development is never 'fluff' and Mac definitely has issues with alcohol... and her mother. All things we'll most likely find out about from Bill tomorrow night at dinner. ;) lol
Comment Written 30-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2019
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Yes, we will but it will be a theme until the end of the story. Thank you for the kind review.
