A Light in the Darkness
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Caught in the Act"Young rookie detective is assigned a serial case
11 total reviews
Comment from Darlene BoClair
Only a few main characters from the beginning are alive. I understand the crimes against the men. The stalker I could not imagine would harm Sarah. The stalker has taken on an attitude with his wealth, powerful killings and scared tactics (in the middle of nowhere) addressed to Sarah. I starting to wrap my mind around the killing crimes and the mystery of Sarah's survival. I am visioning this chapter to the TV show Criminal Minds, lots of hands on deck going in many directions.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2019
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Only a few main characters from the beginning are alive. I understand the crimes against the men. The stalker I could not imagine would harm Sarah. The stalker has taken on an attitude with his wealth, powerful killings and scared tactics (in the middle of nowhere) addressed to Sarah. I starting to wrap my mind around the killing crimes and the mystery of Sarah's survival. I am visioning this chapter to the TV show Criminal Minds, lots of hands on deck going in many directions.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2019
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Yes, when a fellow officer is in trouble, everyone wants to help. Thanks so much. =} Rox
Comment from WryWriter
This chapter is done beautifully! It has action, suspense, good dialogue, paragraphs transition well, it has good pacing even within this short section, the overall plot comes through and moves forward, and it holds the reader's attention well. Great job!! Wish I had a six star to give.
Sarah brought up her hands to block any more blows. "Oh Lord, am I about to die?" ((Was this said aloud? If not, I would omit the quotation marks.))
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2019
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This chapter is done beautifully! It has action, suspense, good dialogue, paragraphs transition well, it has good pacing even within this short section, the overall plot comes through and moves forward, and it holds the reader's attention well. Great job!! Wish I had a six star to give.
Sarah brought up her hands to block any more blows. "Oh Lord, am I about to die?" ((Was this said aloud? If not, I would omit the quotation marks.))
Comment Written 29-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2019
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Thanks so much. I did have lots of advise and correction before you read it so have to give credit to those reviewers. =} I took off the quotes. Thank you. Rox
Comment from Ulla
Hi Roxanna. Oh dear, that didn't end very well. She was caught out and now she's locked into the bedroom. How the heck is she going to escape now? Of course, she still has a knife in her pocket. Hmm... Great writing and well paced.
Maybe she would have hot cocoa wanting= waiting
All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2019
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Hi Roxanna. Oh dear, that didn't end very well. She was caught out and now she's locked into the bedroom. How the heck is she going to escape now? Of course, she still has a knife in her pocket. Hmm... Great writing and well paced.
Maybe she would have hot cocoa wanting= waiting
All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 29-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2019
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Yes, she in a pickel, but I think she'll get out of it. I fixed my boo boo, thanks. =} Thanks so much Ulla. Rox
Comment from barkingdog
Oh, my. This really had me reading at a fast pace. I was pulling for her when she found the sleeping pills ... but no such luck.
Now, what? He'll not leave her the freedom of the house again.
Excellent build up. Then a sudden let down. Back to square one. Trapped and afraid but Sarah is still strong.
:) e
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2019
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Oh, my. This really had me reading at a fast pace. I was pulling for her when she found the sleeping pills ... but no such luck.
Now, what? He'll not leave her the freedom of the house again.
Excellent build up. Then a sudden let down. Back to square one. Trapped and afraid but Sarah is still strong.
:) e
Comment Written 29-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2019
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Thanks so much. I'm glad you are enjoying the story. Thank you also for the 6 stars. =} Rox
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You're welcome, Rox.
:) ellen
Comment from JudyE
The pacing is good and this is well-written.
A few comments:
Back in the living room, David gave her a once over. - I would have hyphenated 'once over'
Rob burned rubber, and used lights and the siren all the way to Sarah's - Maybe 'Rob burned rubber, and with flashing lights and a blaring siren, made his way to Sarah's.'
His phone rang just then. - Maybe 'Just then his phone rang'.
Well, your little mix up in bookkeeping could cost a young woman her life. I'll be filing a complaint with the state." The Chief put his phone away. "A little mix up in bookkeeping. - I think 'mix up' should be hyphenated.
he nightstand seemed the best place, she could slip it under her pillow tonight - period after 'place'
Without it there would be no way to survive in the cold and snow - comma after 'it'
She hoped he wouldn't lock her bedroom door, but she was sure he would -perhaps replace 'but' with 'although'
Sarah found it strange that he would go to the store and leave her alone. The guy is so weird. - You've changed tense here. Either 'the guy was so weird' or use single quote marks around 'the guy is so weird'. Or add 'she thought'
Realizing he had forgotten to get cash, David backed the car up and went back in the house. - Maybe start this with 'Meanwhile, realising....'
I should have asked, I'm sorry - period after 'asked'
He slapped her hard across the face with the back of his hand. - I've never been slapped across the face but would he use the back of his hand? I'd be inclined to simply write 'his hand'
He stood over her, breathing heavely - should be 'heavily'
Sarah brought up her hands to block any further blows. "Oh Lord, am I about to die?"
He grabbed her by the arm and shoved her hard into her room, locking the door. Sarah fell to the ground from the force of the shove. - you've used 'shove' twice here. One could be replaced perhaps.
She sat on the floor in the dark room, stunned that things went bad so quickly - maybe 'had gone bad...'
Tears rolled down her cheek - 'down her cheeks'
I hope you won't be too long with the next chapter. It's getting really exciting.
Regards
Judy
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
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The pacing is good and this is well-written.
A few comments:
Back in the living room, David gave her a once over. - I would have hyphenated 'once over'
Rob burned rubber, and used lights and the siren all the way to Sarah's - Maybe 'Rob burned rubber, and with flashing lights and a blaring siren, made his way to Sarah's.'
His phone rang just then. - Maybe 'Just then his phone rang'.
Well, your little mix up in bookkeeping could cost a young woman her life. I'll be filing a complaint with the state." The Chief put his phone away. "A little mix up in bookkeeping. - I think 'mix up' should be hyphenated.
he nightstand seemed the best place, she could slip it under her pillow tonight - period after 'place'
Without it there would be no way to survive in the cold and snow - comma after 'it'
She hoped he wouldn't lock her bedroom door, but she was sure he would -perhaps replace 'but' with 'although'
Sarah found it strange that he would go to the store and leave her alone. The guy is so weird. - You've changed tense here. Either 'the guy was so weird' or use single quote marks around 'the guy is so weird'. Or add 'she thought'
Realizing he had forgotten to get cash, David backed the car up and went back in the house. - Maybe start this with 'Meanwhile, realising....'
I should have asked, I'm sorry - period after 'asked'
He slapped her hard across the face with the back of his hand. - I've never been slapped across the face but would he use the back of his hand? I'd be inclined to simply write 'his hand'
He stood over her, breathing heavely - should be 'heavily'
Sarah brought up her hands to block any further blows. "Oh Lord, am I about to die?"
He grabbed her by the arm and shoved her hard into her room, locking the door. Sarah fell to the ground from the force of the shove. - you've used 'shove' twice here. One could be replaced perhaps.
She sat on the floor in the dark room, stunned that things went bad so quickly - maybe 'had gone bad...'
Tears rolled down her cheek - 'down her cheeks'
I hope you won't be too long with the next chapter. It's getting really exciting.
Regards
Judy
Comment Written 28-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
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I'm, hoping next part will be more exciting. Thanks for all the helps, I think I got them all. Rox
Comment from robyn corum
Rox,
This was another super duper chapter. Still raising lots of tension and keeping the suspense level high. I'm on the edge of my seat waiting to see what you have in store for this poor girl.
Stuff like having her doubt herself and her detective skills makes her seem much more real to me - great job on that!
Other notes:
1.) "You killed them?" Sarah (stared) at David, mouth half-open.
2.) far I've got nothing," Scott, told the Chief.
--> no comma - and when it's an INDIRECT reference the chief does not need to be capped
3.) "Scott says, the cell signal is being blocked.
--> no comma
--> why would the chief respond back to Scott repeating what he's saying?
4.) Though David, had not tied to touch her inappropriately or even kiss
--> no comma
5.) "What are you doing Sarah?" (h)e asked.
6.) (Sarah) brought up her hands to block any further blows.
7.) He grabbed her by the arm and shoved her hard, into her room,
--> no comma after 'hard'
8.) "I'm not going to die this way!" (s)he shouted out loud.
Great job - not going to lower the rating this time. Edit quickly...
Thanks!
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
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Rox,
This was another super duper chapter. Still raising lots of tension and keeping the suspense level high. I'm on the edge of my seat waiting to see what you have in store for this poor girl.
Stuff like having her doubt herself and her detective skills makes her seem much more real to me - great job on that!
Other notes:
1.) "You killed them?" Sarah (stared) at David, mouth half-open.
2.) far I've got nothing," Scott, told the Chief.
--> no comma - and when it's an INDIRECT reference the chief does not need to be capped
3.) "Scott says, the cell signal is being blocked.
--> no comma
--> why would the chief respond back to Scott repeating what he's saying?
4.) Though David, had not tied to touch her inappropriately or even kiss
--> no comma
5.) "What are you doing Sarah?" (h)e asked.
6.) (Sarah) brought up her hands to block any further blows.
7.) He grabbed her by the arm and shoved her hard, into her room,
--> no comma after 'hard'
8.) "I'm not going to die this way!" (s)he shouted out loud.
Great job - not going to lower the rating this time. Edit quickly...
Thanks!
Comment Written 28-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
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Thanks for the helps. I seem to be comma happy, I'm always, putting them in, I don't even know why. I'm hopeless, I think. =} Thanks dear.
Comment from royowen
It must be terrifying to be held captive by a stalker, who appear to be quite mad really. Now he's struck her, and she has become a little terrified, having taken four sleeping tablets. (Why?) they appear to be in a place out of reach of cellphones, well done Rox, good episode, blessings, Roy
Typo : Although David had not t(r)ied to touch her...2: stun(n)ed that things had gone so badly.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
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It must be terrifying to be held captive by a stalker, who appear to be quite mad really. Now he's struck her, and she has become a little terrified, having taken four sleeping tablets. (Why?) they appear to be in a place out of reach of cellphones, well done Rox, good episode, blessings, Roy
Typo : Although David had not t(r)ied to touch her...2: stun(n)ed that things had gone so badly.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
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Being stalked is no fun at all. Thanks for the great review and the helps. =} I made the corrections. Rox
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Most welcome Rox
Comment from Sally Law
I'm going to give you a five because I know you seek improvement.
The section where Sara is struck on the face and she falls on the floor. This is a great place for drama and there is too much focused on Dave. The reader doesn't care. Our eyes are on Sarah.
Here is a sample of suggestions:
"He slapped her in the face and continued his assault as she stumbled backwards, the taste of blood in her mouth. The room was spinning; she was convinced she was having a vertigo or this was the end. Would this monster be the last face she would ever see? "Oh God, oh god...."
"He is so strong," doesn't cut it. Try something like, "The imprint of his hand still fresh upon her cheek, stinging like fire."
It needs to sound more desperate because it really is. Show more with dialogue. Just a few improvements to garner more views and higher ratings.
This storyline overall is good, it just needs some polishing. I hope this helps.
All my best, dear Rox,
Sal xo
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
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I'm going to give you a five because I know you seek improvement.
The section where Sara is struck on the face and she falls on the floor. This is a great place for drama and there is too much focused on Dave. The reader doesn't care. Our eyes are on Sarah.
Here is a sample of suggestions:
"He slapped her in the face and continued his assault as she stumbled backwards, the taste of blood in her mouth. The room was spinning; she was convinced she was having a vertigo or this was the end. Would this monster be the last face she would ever see? "Oh God, oh god...."
"He is so strong," doesn't cut it. Try something like, "The imprint of his hand still fresh upon her cheek, stinging like fire."
It needs to sound more desperate because it really is. Show more with dialogue. Just a few improvements to garner more views and higher ratings.
This storyline overall is good, it just needs some polishing. I hope this helps.
All my best, dear Rox,
Sal xo
Comment Written 28-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
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Hi Sally. I made changes but don't know if I made it better. Thanks so much for the help. =} Rox
Comment from Mistydawn
Why did he have to forget? Just when there was hope that she might escape too. I do hope she can figure another way out. The story is well-written, very interesting. I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
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Why did he have to forget? Just when there was hope that she might escape too. I do hope she can figure another way out. The story is well-written, very interesting. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
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Thanks so much. =}
Comment from nancy_e_davis
David is really sick isn't he. Owning her was his obsession now and he will be ever alert to any attempt to escape. The one comforting thing in the story is the police know who has taken her. Another thing is the other men are dead. They won't be trying to get rid of her now. Good Job. Nancy:)
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
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David is really sick isn't he. Owning her was his obsession now and he will be ever alert to any attempt to escape. The one comforting thing in the story is the police know who has taken her. Another thing is the other men are dead. They won't be trying to get rid of her now. Good Job. Nancy:)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
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Yes he is a crazy one. Thank you dear. Rox
