Renaissance of Enchantment
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Chapter Six, Part 4"It was their world long before our existence...
16 total reviews
Comment from susand3022
Flames!! NO!! What happened??? Oh, Good Lady of the South! Do tell! What hath causeth all of the fire??? Pray tell?? LOL... Don't tell me that the kid's a long distance pyro too! I mean, everyone already thinks she's bonkers... imaginary friends and such... lol
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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Flames!! NO!! What happened??? Oh, Good Lady of the South! Do tell! What hath causeth all of the fire??? Pray tell?? LOL... Don't tell me that the kid's a long distance pyro too! I mean, everyone already thinks she's bonkers... imaginary friends and such... lol
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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LOL! Told you I had another thing to cover before they left NY! ;) Yes, imaginary friends and such...LOL! ;) ;) Glad you're enjoying and thanx so much for keeping up with Maggie and the gang, Lady Susan!! ;) ;)
Comment from Eve Vasa
Hi, not a bad story, not riveting, and it is held back by a lot of stylistic choices that are cumbersome and make the read heavy going.
Words like 'just' and 'so' I would edit out.
This paragraph is an example of what holds your writing back. I've just used your first paragraph but you do this throughout, and you will notice that you can remove all this fluff and stuff in brackets without changing the meaning. It is a good thing to remember that the reader wants to get to the action asap. You will lose them with these stylistic habits and editors will shy away from your work as excess words scream 'amateur'.
Stephen carried both suitcases to the SUV with (the excited) Addison talking non-stop (beside him). (To be fair,) Stephen was a hulking man, but (he) carried with him a gentle and protective air (that) Maggie found comforting. And (it seemed that) Stephen enjoyed the (extremely) nervous and, (therefore), talkative Addison as much as Addy was (enjoying talking to him).
If you remove all the dross in the brackets it will read tighter and hold your audience's attention better, I've done it for you below.
Stephen carried both suitcases to the SUV with Addison talking no-stop. Stephen was a hulking man but possessed a gentle and protective air Maggie found comforting. And he enjoyed the nervous and talkative Addison as much as Addy did.
Thanks for sharing your writing, it did fail to hold my attention, but I read enough to see why. Have a great day.
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reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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Hi, not a bad story, not riveting, and it is held back by a lot of stylistic choices that are cumbersome and make the read heavy going.
Words like 'just' and 'so' I would edit out.
This paragraph is an example of what holds your writing back. I've just used your first paragraph but you do this throughout, and you will notice that you can remove all this fluff and stuff in brackets without changing the meaning. It is a good thing to remember that the reader wants to get to the action asap. You will lose them with these stylistic habits and editors will shy away from your work as excess words scream 'amateur'.
Stephen carried both suitcases to the SUV with (the excited) Addison talking non-stop (beside him). (To be fair,) Stephen was a hulking man, but (he) carried with him a gentle and protective air (that) Maggie found comforting. And (it seemed that) Stephen enjoyed the (extremely) nervous and, (therefore), talkative Addison as much as Addy was (enjoying talking to him).
If you remove all the dross in the brackets it will read tighter and hold your audience's attention better, I've done it for you below.
Stephen carried both suitcases to the SUV with Addison talking no-stop. Stephen was a hulking man but possessed a gentle and protective air Maggie found comforting. And he enjoyed the nervous and talkative Addison as much as Addy did.
Thanks for sharing your writing, it did fail to hold my attention, but I read enough to see why. Have a great day.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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Thank you for your review and input. :) ;) I appreciate your time.
Comment from Patty Palmer
Very well written! I enjoyed the story and was able to understand the plot of the story. I will be interested in reading more of this novel.
"Keep right on writing!"
Patty
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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Very well written! I enjoyed the story and was able to understand the plot of the story. I will be interested in reading more of this novel.
"Keep right on writing!"
Patty
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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Please take some time (if you have it) to go back a read to catch up -- like I said, there's points/money for doing so through Saturday -- because, since it's a fantasy, there's some things going on here that really have roots earlier on. :) ;) Just a suggestion, but I'm so very glad you're on board from here and look forward to having your follow Maggie and the gang at The Refuge! ;) ;) Take care, Patty!! ;) ;) Yvette
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I will go back and look when J take a break from my full time job, writing and reviewing on this site! LOL
Comment from TheStoryMan
What a great chapter. Stephen couldn't see Julio? Is Julio a ghost or is he on a different plane? I'm going to have to read the previous chapters to get caught up. This is definitely an intriguing story.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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What a great chapter. Stephen couldn't see Julio? Is Julio a ghost or is he on a different plane? I'm going to have to read the previous chapters to get caught up. This is definitely an intriguing story.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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Hooray!! Somebody has caught on!! Please take the time because you are obviously one of those 'eagle eye' readers that might catch other things as well... would love to have you on-board!! ;) ;) Thanx for stopping in, Ron -- always good to hear from you! :) ;) Take care! ;) Yvette
Comment from Sankey
So glad to have met you and equally pleased to have some more prose to read. I don't mind poetry but I love reading stories. Good reading and I promise I will try and back up for chapters I missed. Hope you will have a look at my biography even though no rewards.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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So glad to have met you and equally pleased to have some more prose to read. I don't mind poetry but I love reading stories. Good reading and I promise I will try and back up for chapters I missed. Hope you will have a look at my biography even though no rewards.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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So, glad to have you here, sir -- enjoy the catching up if you can find the time! ;) ;) Take care! :) Yvette
Comment from lyenochka
I'm with Stephen about leaving the key in the doorknob. Will the movers come in later? I still hope Bongo is with them. I would think Addy would be more upset about not having Bongo in some kind of carrier. But you'll explain all that later about the ghostly feeling Maggie gets.
"It had ever occurred to Maggie " (never?)
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reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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I'm with Stephen about leaving the key in the doorknob. Will the movers come in later? I still hope Bongo is with them. I would think Addy would be more upset about not having Bongo in some kind of carrier. But you'll explain all that later about the ghostly feeling Maggie gets.
"It had ever occurred to Maggie " (never?)
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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He-he-he....little things kindof hinted at here with that key... :) ;) Thanx for the review, Helen, and I popped in and corrected that catch -- thank you! ;) ;) And thanx for keeping up with the gang! ;) ;) Yvette
