A Light in the Darkness
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "The Video"Young rookie detective is assigned a serial case
14 total reviews
Comment from Darlene BoClair
This chapter to me is all about the real dark side of the investigation. David has a lot to say. His conversation with Sarah is frightening. Sarah is brave. Sarah is very emotional now more than ever. Curious, how much longer before she escapes this house.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2019
  |
This chapter to me is all about the real dark side of the investigation. David has a lot to say. His conversation with Sarah is frightening. Sarah is brave. Sarah is very emotional now more than ever. Curious, how much longer before she escapes this house.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2019
-
David is a crazy one, it seems now a days there are more and more of them. Sad. Thanks so much. Rox
Comment from JudyE
I'm really enjoying this. I think you have a good story here.
My suggestions:
Both Taylor and Russell were shot, but we can only find, what look to be rubber bullets - delete comma after 'find'
Chief Brenner hung up a bit stunned - insert comma after 'up'
Mr. Russell is in surgery. I could be hours before he's out - should be 'It could...'
We took a swab of the blood, dusted it for prints and have cataloged it. You can look at here. - should this be 'look at it here'?
I'm going to look at it here, see what's on it - period after 'here'
The screen soon filled with an image of a woman, doing what looked to be, picking a lock - delete 'be'
Sarah stood back and took photos with her phone, then swabbed the floor. She talked on her phone for a minute and seemed in a hurry to leave. She bumped into a shelf, sending a box of photos spilling to the ground. She picked up one and starred at it a while, then put it in her pocket. She left, turning out the light - there are four sentences starting with 'She' here. Maybe try to vary the beginnings a bit.
She picked up one and starred at it a while - should be 'stared'
Rob fast forwarded to see if anything else was recorded - hyphenate 'fast forward'
Best wishes
Judy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2019
 |
I'm really enjoying this. I think you have a good story here.
My suggestions:
Both Taylor and Russell were shot, but we can only find, what look to be rubber bullets - delete comma after 'find'
Chief Brenner hung up a bit stunned - insert comma after 'up'
Mr. Russell is in surgery. I could be hours before he's out - should be 'It could...'
We took a swab of the blood, dusted it for prints and have cataloged it. You can look at here. - should this be 'look at it here'?
I'm going to look at it here, see what's on it - period after 'here'
The screen soon filled with an image of a woman, doing what looked to be, picking a lock - delete 'be'
Sarah stood back and took photos with her phone, then swabbed the floor. She talked on her phone for a minute and seemed in a hurry to leave. She bumped into a shelf, sending a box of photos spilling to the ground. She picked up one and starred at it a while, then put it in her pocket. She left, turning out the light - there are four sentences starting with 'She' here. Maybe try to vary the beginnings a bit.
She picked up one and starred at it a while - should be 'stared'
Rob fast forwarded to see if anything else was recorded - hyphenate 'fast forward'
Best wishes
Judy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2019
-
Goodness you did all this work. Reading all 3. Thanks so much for your time and help. Rox
Comment from WryWriter
This story is coming along beautifully! I've offered some suggestions below for your consideration:
((omelet)) and wiped his mouth with a cloth napkin.
Gramps was a real stickler about education. But that was never going to happen((.)) I hated school((.)) ((Who)) knew how much longer the old man might live((?)) I look at it as a mercy ((killing)). He was sick, wasting away((.)) ((O))nly his money kept him alive.
I made sure he was asleep and ((then)) grabbed his legs, yanking them so his head went under water.
"I called ((nine-one-one)).
So((,)) I kind of killed two birds with one stone ((if you'll)) pardon the pun.
Taking the last bite of his ((omelet)), he wiped his mouth and threw his napkin on his plate.
She found out more every hour ((omit about)) what kind of person David Lawson was((...))and it was terrifying.
Both Taylor and Russell were shot, but we can only find, what look((s)) to be((,)) rubber bullets. The perp must have taken the shell casings((.)) ((But why he left the rubber bullets behind((omit ,)) and why he used them((omit ,)) is a mystery. Looks like he even dug a bullet out of the wall. I can't find any other evidence of an intruder((:)) no broken windows, the door wasn't kicked in or picked. I'm thinking maybe he was let in."
"Mr. Russell is in surgery((.)) ((It)) could be hours before he's out and then he'll be in recovery at least another hour.
((It was clear that Russell had been friends with these guys for a long time.))
Rob decided to go to Taylor's place and have a look around ((to see)) if he could answer a few.
I'm going to Taylor's place and have a look(;) see if the techs have found anything useful."
Gene, the team lead, walked up to Rob ((with)) a paper bag in his hand.
You can look at ((it)) here. Let me clean it." Gene wiped the blood off and handed it to Rob.
"Wait for me((!)) I'm on my way((.))" The Chief left instruction((s)) for the crime scene lead to call if he found anything else at Sarah's place.
"I doubt we will((,)) Chief((.)) ((We're)) about done.
Sergeant Rob Mitchell and Chief George Brenner ((omit , each) pull((ed)) up ((chairs)) in front of the video screen in the basement.
The screen soon filled with an image of a woman doing((,)) what looked to be((,)) picking a lock.
"Sorry, Chief((.)) ((That's)) Sarah picking the lock to Taylor's back door." She was told to drop the whole (("Taylor is involved in the serial cases")) thing. I guess she didn't listen."
Cameras went on as she moved ((throughout)) the house. In the basement, she searched the room.
Sarah was feeling the walls ((when)) a door slid open, revealing a room with a cage inside.
She bumped into a shelf, sending ((a)) box of photos spilling to the ground.
"((omit Well,)) ((Now)) we know where the photo came from."
"That's all there is." Rob ejected the DVD, ((then handed)) it to Gene.
If anything, it's evidence of unlawful entry. If we arrest Don, he could use it against Sarah((, get the case thrown out because of no warrant."))
"We would never have looked for a secret room if we ((hadn't seen)) the tape," Rob pointed out.
A light snow was falling, ((and)) the temperature had dropped((.)) David Lawson stirred the fire ((and then)) went back to the table, sat down and leaned back in his chair.)) "I've been wanting to tell you ((that)) you don't have to worry about those two guys."
Again ((omit with)) the two guys((!)) He had said something about them the night he had abducted Sarah.
"What do you mean ((by)) I won't have to worry about them?"
"They came back to the house right after you left((.)) ((So,)) I went to see what was going on. I knew what that meant((;)) so I killed them. I shot 'em both."
"You killed them?" Sarah starred at David, mouth half((-))open.
"Yeah((.)) ((So)) whatever they were up to, you don't have to worry about it anymore. I'd kill anyone who wanted to hurt you, Sarah."
---------
Keep writing! Enjoyed!!
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
|
This story is coming along beautifully! I've offered some suggestions below for your consideration:
((omelet)) and wiped his mouth with a cloth napkin.
Gramps was a real stickler about education. But that was never going to happen((.)) I hated school((.)) ((Who)) knew how much longer the old man might live((?)) I look at it as a mercy ((killing)). He was sick, wasting away((.)) ((O))nly his money kept him alive.
I made sure he was asleep and ((then)) grabbed his legs, yanking them so his head went under water.
"I called ((nine-one-one)).
So((,)) I kind of killed two birds with one stone ((if you'll)) pardon the pun.
Taking the last bite of his ((omelet)), he wiped his mouth and threw his napkin on his plate.
She found out more every hour ((omit about)) what kind of person David Lawson was((...))and it was terrifying.
Both Taylor and Russell were shot, but we can only find, what look((s)) to be((,)) rubber bullets. The perp must have taken the shell casings((.)) ((But why he left the rubber bullets behind((omit ,)) and why he used them((omit ,)) is a mystery. Looks like he even dug a bullet out of the wall. I can't find any other evidence of an intruder((:)) no broken windows, the door wasn't kicked in or picked. I'm thinking maybe he was let in."
"Mr. Russell is in surgery((.)) ((It)) could be hours before he's out and then he'll be in recovery at least another hour.
((It was clear that Russell had been friends with these guys for a long time.))
Rob decided to go to Taylor's place and have a look around ((to see)) if he could answer a few.
I'm going to Taylor's place and have a look(;) see if the techs have found anything useful."
Gene, the team lead, walked up to Rob ((with)) a paper bag in his hand.
You can look at ((it)) here. Let me clean it." Gene wiped the blood off and handed it to Rob.
"Wait for me((!)) I'm on my way((.))" The Chief left instruction((s)) for the crime scene lead to call if he found anything else at Sarah's place.
"I doubt we will((,)) Chief((.)) ((We're)) about done.
Sergeant Rob Mitchell and Chief George Brenner ((omit , each) pull((ed)) up ((chairs)) in front of the video screen in the basement.
The screen soon filled with an image of a woman doing((,)) what looked to be((,)) picking a lock.
"Sorry, Chief((.)) ((That's)) Sarah picking the lock to Taylor's back door." She was told to drop the whole (("Taylor is involved in the serial cases")) thing. I guess she didn't listen."
Cameras went on as she moved ((throughout)) the house. In the basement, she searched the room.
Sarah was feeling the walls ((when)) a door slid open, revealing a room with a cage inside.
She bumped into a shelf, sending ((a)) box of photos spilling to the ground.
"((omit Well,)) ((Now)) we know where the photo came from."
"That's all there is." Rob ejected the DVD, ((then handed)) it to Gene.
If anything, it's evidence of unlawful entry. If we arrest Don, he could use it against Sarah((, get the case thrown out because of no warrant."))
"We would never have looked for a secret room if we ((hadn't seen)) the tape," Rob pointed out.
A light snow was falling, ((and)) the temperature had dropped((.)) David Lawson stirred the fire ((and then)) went back to the table, sat down and leaned back in his chair.)) "I've been wanting to tell you ((that)) you don't have to worry about those two guys."
Again ((omit with)) the two guys((!)) He had said something about them the night he had abducted Sarah.
"What do you mean ((by)) I won't have to worry about them?"
"They came back to the house right after you left((.)) ((So,)) I went to see what was going on. I knew what that meant((;)) so I killed them. I shot 'em both."
"You killed them?" Sarah starred at David, mouth half((-))open.
"Yeah((.)) ((So)) whatever they were up to, you don't have to worry about it anymore. I'd kill anyone who wanted to hurt you, Sarah."
---------
Keep writing! Enjoyed!!
Comment Written 20-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
-
Good Grief!! I'm terrible! Sorry you had to do all that work. I think I made all the corrections. I thought I had changed some of them, but must not have saved them. Thanks for all your time and work on this. Rox
-
You are very welcome! I don't mind trying to help as long as the author wants the help. I can't guarantee I note all or even give correct advice, but I do my best. I don't think the work is terrible at all. I enjoy reading your posts. What I give as needing work is the same thing I do to my own work when I edit it. The first time I write anything, it never is correct and I have to redo, redo, redo. Still, other authors on the site find things I've missed even after I think I've fixed it. I always appreciate the help they give me. Keep writing! I found it to be the best teacher for me. : )
Comment from robyn corum
Rox,
Still enjoying this story aaaaa LOT. I think you're doing a super job with it and those yokels who thought otherwise need to stick it. *smile*
Notes:
1.) You can look at (it) here. Let me clean it." Gene wiped the blood off and handed it to Rob.
2.) Sergeant Rob Mitchell and Chief George Brenner, each pull(ed) up a chair in front
3.) She picked up one and (stared) at it a while, then put
--> I'm not sure this video is realistic. It would actually require a lot of editing to show all of this - otherwise, each camera would simply continue showing what it saw continually.
--> I DO think they could come across his security system and see her across the multiple (mini) screen system...???
Thanks!
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
|
Rox,
Still enjoying this story aaaaa LOT. I think you're doing a super job with it and those yokels who thought otherwise need to stick it. *smile*
Notes:
1.) You can look at (it) here. Let me clean it." Gene wiped the blood off and handed it to Rob.
2.) Sergeant Rob Mitchell and Chief George Brenner, each pull(ed) up a chair in front
3.) She picked up one and (stared) at it a while, then put
--> I'm not sure this video is realistic. It would actually require a lot of editing to show all of this - otherwise, each camera would simply continue showing what it saw continually.
--> I DO think they could come across his security system and see her across the multiple (mini) screen system...???
Thanks!
Comment Written 20-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
-
I think I fixed it all. This is supposed to fiction, can't I just make stuff up about the video? =} If the cameras are motion activated, wouldn't that make it so the video was just one stream? I didn't write that in, maybe I should have. I guess I know so everyone out there is expect to read my mind and know too. =} Thanks for the helps dear. Rox
-
If you had motion-activated in there, I apologize.
-
I didn't but I will. =} Rox
Comment from Diana L Crawford
Well, I have completely read all the chapters up till now and I must say I could not stop reading the story. You are creating so many different mysteries and peaking my interest on what comes next! If there mistakes in other chapters, they did not stand out to me. May because I was more interested in reading the story and finding out more. LoL! Again I can't wait until the next chapter!
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
|
Well, I have completely read all the chapters up till now and I must say I could not stop reading the story. You are creating so many different mysteries and peaking my interest on what comes next! If there mistakes in other chapters, they did not stand out to me. May because I was more interested in reading the story and finding out more. LoL! Again I can't wait until the next chapter!
Comment Written 20-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
-
I never see errors, I'm a terrible editor and reviewer. =} I'm so glad you are enjoying it. Now to figure out how to get Sarah out of this mess and connect everything. I have to think now. Bummer. =] Thanks so much Diana.
-
With as wonderful as this is I?m sure you will definitely pull it all together!
Comment from Ulla
HiRoxanna, this is great writing and i'm enjouing the story. So what we know is that David lawson is fixated with Sarah, but Don looks guilty as well. What about the two wifes? All best.Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
|
HiRoxanna, this is great writing and i'm enjouing the story. So what we know is that David lawson is fixated with Sarah, but Don looks guilty as well. What about the two wifes? All best.Ulla:)))
Comment Written 20-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
-
I have to come up with a way to get Sarah out of the mess and connect everything. I guess I'm going to have to think. Not may favorite thing. =} Thank you Ulla.
Comment from royowen
This is an excellent series Rox, you're a good writer my friend. David Lawson is Sarah's stalker, since high school, as mad as a March hare, and many times more dangerous, leaving a pile of dead bodies behind, as cunning as a fox, but what will he do to,or with Sarah, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : Sarah star(r)ed at David,...
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
|
This is an excellent series Rox, you're a good writer my friend. David Lawson is Sarah's stalker, since high school, as mad as a March hare, and many times more dangerous, leaving a pile of dead bodies behind, as cunning as a fox, but what will he do to,or with Sarah, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : Sarah star(r)ed at David,...
Comment Written 20-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
-
Now I have to figure out how to get Sarah out of her mess. I guess I'm going to have to think, no matter how much I don't want to. =} Thanks so much Roy.
-
You're a good writer, you'll do it
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Don't worry about the length, Rox. It is so engaging I didn't notice. The end was an interruption for me. LOL Smart how you have interwoven the two cases together. David is a very sick individual and very dangerous as well. He said, "I'd kill anyone who wanted to hurt you, Sarah." That could be comforting for Sarah but no guarantee he wouldn't hurt her if she made him angry. Well done! Nancy:)
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
 |
Don't worry about the length, Rox. It is so engaging I didn't notice. The end was an interruption for me. LOL Smart how you have interwoven the two cases together. David is a very sick individual and very dangerous as well. He said, "I'd kill anyone who wanted to hurt you, Sarah." That could be comforting for Sarah but no guarantee he wouldn't hurt her if she made him angry. Well done! Nancy:)
Comment Written 20-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
-
Thank you so much Nancy. I'm glad you are enjoying it. Now to figure out how to get Sarah out of this mess. I'm one of those write as you go and don't think ahead people. Thanks too for all the stars. I'm very honored. Rox
Comment from Mistydawn
That was 1700 words? It was so interesting I didn't notice. That was very smart of Sarah to do what she did with the video. Brings the rest of them up to speed. Now if she can just get away from David before it's too late. It's very well-written, interesting, great job as always.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
|
That was 1700 words? It was so interesting I didn't notice. That was very smart of Sarah to do what she did with the video. Brings the rest of them up to speed. Now if she can just get away from David before it's too late. It's very well-written, interesting, great job as always.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
-
Yes I must think of a way to get her out of this. I alway have trouble with my endings. ={ Thanks so much Misty. I am so honored you like it. Rox
Comment from Brenda Henderson
Wow. Deadly friends. It is quite lengthy but I don't think that I would shorten it. I think the story is well crafted. I noticed what looked like two missing words "it" and "the". In my mind it was too minor to deduct a star. It's easy to omit a word in such a lengthy narrative. It helps me sometimes to read things aloud. You have to wait a while first because if you don't your mind will allow you to insert the missing word automatically. The wait will help it to stand out. Good story. Solid work.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
|
Wow. Deadly friends. It is quite lengthy but I don't think that I would shorten it. I think the story is well crafted. I noticed what looked like two missing words "it" and "the". In my mind it was too minor to deduct a star. It's easy to omit a word in such a lengthy narrative. It helps me sometimes to read things aloud. You have to wait a while first because if you don't your mind will allow you to insert the missing word automatically. The wait will help it to stand out. Good story. Solid work.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
-
I think I made the corrections needed. Thanks so much for the great review. Appreciate it. Rox
