Chapter Three, Fixing Vincent
As a juror, Meg Tartaglia is reminded of her son, Vincent.29 total reviews
Comment from Diana L Crawford
Poor Meg! Obviously this court situation is unsettling for her. The intrigue you create about Vincent, though, leaves me begging for the next chapter! You seem very knowledgeable about court proceedings and based on TV shows I've watched, you have recreated the beginnings of a trial perfectly. I just feel so bad that Meg has to be there in a place she does not want to be. I love how you describe each character to a "T" and love the Mr Clean reference! He was a real hottie back in his day! All the women dreamed of Mr. Clean showing up to help with the "cleaning"! LoL! Cant't wait for Chapter 4!!!
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2019
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Poor Meg! Obviously this court situation is unsettling for her. The intrigue you create about Vincent, though, leaves me begging for the next chapter! You seem very knowledgeable about court proceedings and based on TV shows I've watched, you have recreated the beginnings of a trial perfectly. I just feel so bad that Meg has to be there in a place she does not want to be. I love how you describe each character to a "T" and love the Mr Clean reference! He was a real hottie back in his day! All the women dreamed of Mr. Clean showing up to help with the "cleaning"! LoL! Cant't wait for Chapter 4!!!
Comment Written 16-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2019
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I loved Mr. Clean so much, Diana, I grew up to be MRS. Clean. I'm still waiting for him and his bald head and hot body to show up and appreciate that!
Thanks very much for this very encouraging review. xo
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Blahaha! What a great sense of humor you have! And you are forever welcome!
Comment from Deniz22
A wren caught in the (sites) sights
It's your choice of course, but "ensconced" sounds a little pretentious to me
Suggest "amped" rather than ratcheted
Writing in the present tense is unusual and might make it a little more difficult for you to create since you have to be on guard against slipping said tense
With the intention is superfluous in context
Why would this guy be "attempting" to enter an open door?
I'm stopping reviewing now with this last remark. It looks like you are being a bit too wordy. A rewrite to get rid of redundant words would make a cleaner, easier to read chapter, IMHO.
Case in point;Meg trembled uncontrollably. Even her expertise in prenatal breathing is proving useless.(I would delet this comparison even though I rewrote it.
I honestly hope this helps. I went a little more in depth than I usually do because it's
a book.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2019
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A wren caught in the (sites) sights
It's your choice of course, but "ensconced" sounds a little pretentious to me
Suggest "amped" rather than ratcheted
Writing in the present tense is unusual and might make it a little more difficult for you to create since you have to be on guard against slipping said tense
With the intention is superfluous in context
Why would this guy be "attempting" to enter an open door?
I'm stopping reviewing now with this last remark. It looks like you are being a bit too wordy. A rewrite to get rid of redundant words would make a cleaner, easier to read chapter, IMHO.
Case in point;Meg trembled uncontrollably. Even her expertise in prenatal breathing is proving useless.(I would delet this comparison even though I rewrote it.
I honestly hope this helps. I went a little more in depth than I usually do because it's
a book.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2019
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Thanks, Dennis. I always appreciate feedback.
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👍
Comment from juliaSjames
A very well written courtroom scene. You have the gift of enabling readers to visualize the drama unfolding on the page.
The flashback piques the reader's interest as the chapter ends.
Sorry, I hadn't finished the review when the site posted it.
Blessings Julia
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2019
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A very well written courtroom scene. You have the gift of enabling readers to visualize the drama unfolding on the page.
The flashback piques the reader's interest as the chapter ends.
Sorry, I hadn't finished the review when the site posted it.
Blessings Julia
Comment Written 16-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2019
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Thank you very much, Julia! xo
Comment from Thomas Bowling
This is an excellent contest entry. Great courtroom drama.
"Good morning," he says, with a voice so deep Meg can actually feel it rumble in her chest cavity, idling like an oversized race car.
This is a great description. It tells you all you need to know about the prosecutor.
Phyllis Stewart and I have collaborated for a few years on an advice column for members. We posted one this morning. It's called Bowl of Stew. You might want to check it out.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2019
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This is an excellent contest entry. Great courtroom drama.
"Good morning," he says, with a voice so deep Meg can actually feel it rumble in her chest cavity, idling like an oversized race car.
This is a great description. It tells you all you need to know about the prosecutor.
Phyllis Stewart and I have collaborated for a few years on an advice column for members. We posted one this morning. It's called Bowl of Stew. You might want to check it out.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2019
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Thanks for the tip, Thomas! I'll certainly check it out.
And thanks for the really nice review, as well. xo
Comment from Brenda Henderson
Wow! This is a well written compelling story. This could just as easily be an episode of something like CSI or Law & Order or indeed a feature film. I can even imagine Anna Kendrick as your defense attorney. Well done! I did note one small letter a floating out of place between two paragraphs. It almost made me give this a lower rating but the story, the stage direction and the tone and pace of this are so exceptional that I could not let that deter me. Please take the time to make that correction and watch this soar! Kudos!
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2019
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Wow! This is a well written compelling story. This could just as easily be an episode of something like CSI or Law & Order or indeed a feature film. I can even imagine Anna Kendrick as your defense attorney. Well done! I did note one small letter a floating out of place between two paragraphs. It almost made me give this a lower rating but the story, the stage direction and the tone and pace of this are so exceptional that I could not let that deter me. Please take the time to make that correction and watch this soar! Kudos!
Comment Written 16-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2019
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Thank you, Brenda, for your generosity in bestowing the sixth star even with that one small floating letter in the mix. I will seek it out and destroy it as soon as I'm done answering all the reviews.
Thanks for the helpful and encouraging review. xo
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You're Welcome!
Comment from royowen
I'm not sure I read the first instalment of your story, so the connection between Vincent and Tommy is a vague one. But I understand the feelings for one's child never die, whether dead or not. An excellent story,people like Vincent normally go to jail, because they are denied bail, from lack of funds, and an inadequate defence. But not a fortunate Tommy, well done Rachelle, excellent story and characters, blessings, Roy
Typo : Strikes like a heavy metal mallet a...(. .? )
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2019
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I'm not sure I read the first instalment of your story, so the connection between Vincent and Tommy is a vague one. But I understand the feelings for one's child never die, whether dead or not. An excellent story,people like Vincent normally go to jail, because they are denied bail, from lack of funds, and an inadequate defence. But not a fortunate Tommy, well done Rachelle, excellent story and characters, blessings, Roy
Typo : Strikes like a heavy metal mallet a...(. .? )
Comment Written 16-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2019
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Thank you, Roy.
There isn't a 'real' connection between Vincent and Tommy. The connection comes because Vincent, although not a troublesome, great kid, always tugged at Meg's heart. In the way only a mother can, she saw him as a poor, picked-on soul who never had a chance and, deep down, was a sweet, misunderstood boy. And now she's transferring those feelings to Tommy.
The first chapter is on my Portfolio. I entered it in a First Chapter contest last week.
I appreciate the great review, Roy. xo
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I guess there is a connection, I relate to others in the same way. I taught guitar to two African boys, who had no dad, he'd been a pastor in the Congo who'd been murdered, they were refugees, who had/ have, a splendid mum, they are like two grandsons to us, they are both studying at uni for degrees in pharmacy and commerce, they play guitar in church. Beautiful boys who bring honour to us. Roy
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This vignette does not surprise me in the least. You're such a generous soul, Roy. xo
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Thank you Rachelle
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My pleasure, Roy. xo
Comment from Debbie Pope
This I so exceptional, Rachelle. Your court scene drama is accurate, realistic and entertaining. I love your story. I like the technique of having Vincent appear to Meg in the place of Tommy. But then I like everything about your story.
I never seem to have anything constructive to say about your writing, but this time I saw some typos that, as a reviewer, I should mention. I tried to copy the paragraph where the typo was so that you could find it.
The State will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that after he rendered Steven Cosgrove unconscious, the defendant, Thomas Donnelly, exited the Cosgroves' home and headed south, to 3123 Ballard Avenue -right next door- where Allen and Stephanie Wong were returninghome with their children from a family reunion".---this should be Cosgrove's and returning home
The prosecutor pauses again, and the severity of the couples' impending nightmare takes root in the pit of Meg's stomach and climbs upward
toward her heart.--This should be couple's
"The State will prove beyond a reasonable doubt, with testimony from witnesses, that Mr. Wong ran to the driver's side door of his vehicle, pulled Thomas Donnelly away from the car, and began preventing him, with physical force, from stealing the Wongs' vehicle, where his infant daughter, five-month-old Stella, was asleep in her car seat."--Wong's
Meg watches the prosecutor give the courtroom a moment to absorb the litany of facts. Then he continues on with yet another increase in volume and shortens the content of each of his sentences as well as the spaces between them, so that each one strikes like a heavy metal mallet a--the a is a stray mark
"The State will offer testimony from police officers who searched the vicinity in and around the Cosgroves' home. Around the Wongs' home. On the evening in question. --Cosgrove's and there's something wrong with all those periods
That's all the grammar mistakes that I saw in this great story. There are more Cosgrove's errors. I don't think that i caught them all.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2019
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This I so exceptional, Rachelle. Your court scene drama is accurate, realistic and entertaining. I love your story. I like the technique of having Vincent appear to Meg in the place of Tommy. But then I like everything about your story.
I never seem to have anything constructive to say about your writing, but this time I saw some typos that, as a reviewer, I should mention. I tried to copy the paragraph where the typo was so that you could find it.
The State will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that after he rendered Steven Cosgrove unconscious, the defendant, Thomas Donnelly, exited the Cosgroves' home and headed south, to 3123 Ballard Avenue -right next door- where Allen and Stephanie Wong were returninghome with their children from a family reunion".---this should be Cosgrove's and returning home
The prosecutor pauses again, and the severity of the couples' impending nightmare takes root in the pit of Meg's stomach and climbs upward
toward her heart.--This should be couple's
"The State will prove beyond a reasonable doubt, with testimony from witnesses, that Mr. Wong ran to the driver's side door of his vehicle, pulled Thomas Donnelly away from the car, and began preventing him, with physical force, from stealing the Wongs' vehicle, where his infant daughter, five-month-old Stella, was asleep in her car seat."--Wong's
Meg watches the prosecutor give the courtroom a moment to absorb the litany of facts. Then he continues on with yet another increase in volume and shortens the content of each of his sentences as well as the spaces between them, so that each one strikes like a heavy metal mallet a--the a is a stray mark
"The State will offer testimony from police officers who searched the vicinity in and around the Cosgroves' home. Around the Wongs' home. On the evening in question. --Cosgrove's and there's something wrong with all those periods
That's all the grammar mistakes that I saw in this great story. There are more Cosgrove's errors. I don't think that i caught them all.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2019
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Thanks very much for all your help, Debbie. xo
Comment from Rikki66
This I think is a preliminary hearing, the prosecutor makes his case, the defense attorney makes here case then the judge decides whether to move forward. In this case, he did not. I am not sure if a jury is empaneled for this process or not. Good story. you have a wild a by heavy mallet.
Rikki
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2019
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This I think is a preliminary hearing, the prosecutor makes his case, the defense attorney makes here case then the judge decides whether to move forward. In this case, he did not. I am not sure if a jury is empaneled for this process or not. Good story. you have a wild a by heavy mallet.
Rikki
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2019
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Uh-oh; this posted twice, Rikki.
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LOL
Rikki
Comment from damommy
I'm certainly confused about Tommy's part in all this. I'll just have to wait for all the evidence to be presented. I would think this would be a painful situation for Meg since it reminds her of Vincent.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2019
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I'm certainly confused about Tommy's part in all this. I'll just have to wait for all the evidence to be presented. I would think this would be a painful situation for Meg since it reminds her of Vincent.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2019
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You nailed it!! And I'm glad to read that you're confused. That means both the attorneys have done their jobs well. I so appreciate this very helpful review, damommy. xo
