A Light in the Darkness
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "More Revelations"Young rookie detective is assigned a serial case
12 total reviews
Comment from Darlene BoClair
If there are boo boos than I am not the home to find them. It's like changing a writers views,language and vision about the characters. This is something I find
difficult to do. I am now more interested in how Sarah is going to be rescued from her new home and what new crime will prison be for her stalker.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2019
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If there are boo boos than I am not the home to find them. It's like changing a writers views,language and vision about the characters. This is something I find
difficult to do. I am now more interested in how Sarah is going to be rescued from her new home and what new crime will prison be for her stalker.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2019
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I never see my own boo boo's and rarely see anyone elses. My brain just seem to fill in the right word. Very frustrating. Thanks so much dear.
Comment from JudyE
I would try to vary the sentence beginnings a bit more. There seems to be a lot of 'He' and 'She' in this chapter.
They had instruction to call - 'instructions'
"What are you doing here," he asked - question mark after 'here'
"Hey, Chief, the EMTs are here," said one of the policemen - I don't know what EMTs are but if it's common knowledge, I guess leave it as is.
The EMTs checked Don out and got him on a stretcher. They all helped to get him up the steps. - I might have written 'After checking Don out, he was put on a stretcher and all helped get him up the steps'.
An hour later, he left the CSI team to look over the Taylor house. He asked the team lead to call if they found any evidence. - there are a lot of sentences beginning with 'he' in this area. Maybe the above could be 'An hour later, he left the CSI team to look over the Taylor house, asking them to call if they found any evidence'
He broke the land speed record driving to Sarah's. He arrived to a circus. - Maybe 'Breaking the land speed record, he drove to Sarah's, arriving to a circus (or 'arriving to find a flurry of activity').
The Chief took it. Who would use rubber bullets?
He called the Montana State Prison and taked to Warden Schmidt anyway - 'However, he called the Montana State Prison and taked to Warden Schmidt.' Incorrect spelling 'taked' should be 'talked'
I'll check and give you a call back if I find somethings changed - should be 'something's changed'
Since the computer hadn't been updated for over twenty days, an oversight in computer maintenance, there was no record of David Lawson being released - maybe 'through an oversight in computer maintenance, and no update for over twenty days, there was no record of David Lawson's release'
I want you to get down to the hospital and question Russell yourself. I want to know what's going - did you mean 'what's going on'
Did the picture have something to do with Sarah's disappearance? - maybe 'photo' not 'picture'
This was a mess and it had to get sorted out soon - maybe 'needed to get sorted out'
Lawson had made ham and cheese omelet for breakfast, and they were delicious - maybe 'it was delicious' or else say 'ham and cheese omelets'
"How nice, he must love you very much." - period after 'nice'
"He did love me very much. He's dead now. I killed him," Lawson said, very nonchalant as if commenting on the weather.
She looked at him with a wide-eyed stare, then turned her head. She hoped he hadn't seen the horror she felt in her eyes. - maybe 'She looked at him with a wide-eyed stare, then turned her head, hoping he hadn't seen the horror in her eyes'
It's developing nicely I think. Looking forward to reading more.
Cheers
Judy
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reply by the author on 22-Jun-2019
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I would try to vary the sentence beginnings a bit more. There seems to be a lot of 'He' and 'She' in this chapter.
They had instruction to call - 'instructions'
"What are you doing here," he asked - question mark after 'here'
"Hey, Chief, the EMTs are here," said one of the policemen - I don't know what EMTs are but if it's common knowledge, I guess leave it as is.
The EMTs checked Don out and got him on a stretcher. They all helped to get him up the steps. - I might have written 'After checking Don out, he was put on a stretcher and all helped get him up the steps'.
An hour later, he left the CSI team to look over the Taylor house. He asked the team lead to call if they found any evidence. - there are a lot of sentences beginning with 'he' in this area. Maybe the above could be 'An hour later, he left the CSI team to look over the Taylor house, asking them to call if they found any evidence'
He broke the land speed record driving to Sarah's. He arrived to a circus. - Maybe 'Breaking the land speed record, he drove to Sarah's, arriving to a circus (or 'arriving to find a flurry of activity').
The Chief took it. Who would use rubber bullets?
He called the Montana State Prison and taked to Warden Schmidt anyway - 'However, he called the Montana State Prison and taked to Warden Schmidt.' Incorrect spelling 'taked' should be 'talked'
I'll check and give you a call back if I find somethings changed - should be 'something's changed'
Since the computer hadn't been updated for over twenty days, an oversight in computer maintenance, there was no record of David Lawson being released - maybe 'through an oversight in computer maintenance, and no update for over twenty days, there was no record of David Lawson's release'
I want you to get down to the hospital and question Russell yourself. I want to know what's going - did you mean 'what's going on'
Did the picture have something to do with Sarah's disappearance? - maybe 'photo' not 'picture'
This was a mess and it had to get sorted out soon - maybe 'needed to get sorted out'
Lawson had made ham and cheese omelet for breakfast, and they were delicious - maybe 'it was delicious' or else say 'ham and cheese omelets'
"How nice, he must love you very much." - period after 'nice'
"He did love me very much. He's dead now. I killed him," Lawson said, very nonchalant as if commenting on the weather.
She looked at him with a wide-eyed stare, then turned her head. She hoped he hadn't seen the horror she felt in her eyes. - maybe 'She looked at him with a wide-eyed stare, then turned her head, hoping he hadn't seen the horror in her eyes'
It's developing nicely I think. Looking forward to reading more.
Cheers
Judy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2019
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I thought I fixed a bunch of these already. I don't know what I did. Sorry. But thanks so much for the helps. Rox
Comment from robyn corum
Foxie,
Looks good. Very impressed with the way this is working out. Definitely keeping me intrigued - though I'm a little irritated that EVERYTHING is going wrong for finding her... grrrr...
Notes:
1.) He called the Montana State Prison and ta(l)ked to Warden Schmidt away.
--> what does the 'away' part mean?
2.) but I'll check and give you a call back if I find something(')s changed."
3.) the smell of this. Something(')s rotten here.
Thanks!
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
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Foxie,
Looks good. Very impressed with the way this is working out. Definitely keeping me intrigued - though I'm a little irritated that EVERYTHING is going wrong for finding her... grrrr...
Notes:
1.) He called the Montana State Prison and ta(l)ked to Warden Schmidt away.
--> what does the 'away' part mean?
2.) but I'll check and give you a call back if I find something(')s changed."
3.) the smell of this. Something(')s rotten here.
Thanks!
Comment Written 20-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
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My spell check didn't like the way I did 'something's] or 'somethings' so I just picked one. =} Stupid spell check! =} It's all its fault. Thank you again dear for the help. Rox
Comment from Michele Harber
Hi Rox. The degree of activity taking place in this chapter - from finding the body to searching Sarah's house to discovering Don's involvement to what's going on currently with Sarah and David to learning more of David's history - definitely keeps the story moving and the interest level up. Pieces are starting to come together, which works well to build anticipation for the next chapter and the next revelation.
As you expected, there are a few boo boos, which I'm happy to help you correct.
- In the first current paragraph, "The had instruction" should read, "They had instructions."
- Switch the comma for a question mark after, "What are you doing here."
- Make "We have our radios on" a separate sentence, to avoid a run-on.
- You might want to clarify "But as to who" by saying, i.e., "But he did have a suspicion as to who."
- The Chief "taked to Warden Schmidt away," should read, "talked to Warden Schmidt anyway."
- "... somethings changed" needs an apostrophe before the second "s" to make it a contraction for "something has."
- Do the same for "Somethings rotten here," to make it a contraction for "Something is."
- In "She has a second cell phone, let's try tracking it," put a semicolon between "phone" and "let's," to avoid a run-on.
- In your last paragraph, put a hyphen in "wide-eyed."
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
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Hi Rox. The degree of activity taking place in this chapter - from finding the body to searching Sarah's house to discovering Don's involvement to what's going on currently with Sarah and David to learning more of David's history - definitely keeps the story moving and the interest level up. Pieces are starting to come together, which works well to build anticipation for the next chapter and the next revelation.
As you expected, there are a few boo boos, which I'm happy to help you correct.
- In the first current paragraph, "The had instruction" should read, "They had instructions."
- Switch the comma for a question mark after, "What are you doing here."
- Make "We have our radios on" a separate sentence, to avoid a run-on.
- You might want to clarify "But as to who" by saying, i.e., "But he did have a suspicion as to who."
- The Chief "taked to Warden Schmidt away," should read, "talked to Warden Schmidt anyway."
- "... somethings changed" needs an apostrophe before the second "s" to make it a contraction for "something has."
- Do the same for "Somethings rotten here," to make it a contraction for "Something is."
- In "She has a second cell phone, let's try tracking it," put a semicolon between "phone" and "let's," to avoid a run-on.
- In your last paragraph, put a hyphen in "wide-eyed."
Comment Written 20-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
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I think I fixed them all. Thanks, sorry you have to work so hard every time you review me. =[ I appreciate it. Rox
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No problem. If I didn't enjoy your story, I wouldn't be reading it and editing it, right? :-)
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I guess so.
Comment from susand3022
Oh! I haven't reviewed it! Hi, Rox! I read your book last night... yes, the whole thing. I hate coming into the middle of a book! It's a good one! I'll keep going, I can't believe you brought Don into this one! What a twist! I wasn't expecting that. I'm supposing he's the 'MR. BIG' behind it all... has to be a cop. (it's always a cop) ;)
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2019
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Oh! I haven't reviewed it! Hi, Rox! I read your book last night... yes, the whole thing. I hate coming into the middle of a book! It's a good one! I'll keep going, I can't believe you brought Don into this one! What a twist! I wasn't expecting that. I'm supposing he's the 'MR. BIG' behind it all... has to be a cop. (it's always a cop) ;)
Comment Written 19-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2019
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Thanks so much. As I said I'm getting close to having to end it and this will be the hardest part of the book for me. ={ I hope to post my last written ahead chapter this week and now I must think. I hate to have to think. =] Thanks again for the great review. Rox
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Hi Rox, I can totally feel your pain!!! Sounds like you did what I did... wrote a lot ahead of time... but not the whole thing! I'm almost down to my last written chapter too... I think two more then I have to start figuring out my ending as well... I think it's about time to start the big finish... but how??? I wrote this like... 7 or 8 years ago!!! Time flies when you're just editing old work! Well, it's been some really heavy editing! I was really a dreadful writer! LOL Good luck with yours, I'll be getting to mine too! Fingers crossed! :)
Comment from Diana L Crawford
Woo hoo! I'm so glad I didn't have wait very long to continue reading this intriguing story. There are only a couple of areas I see that need correcting if you are open to considering them. Here I don't believe you need a comma here after cops. "but telling the cops, would put him smack in the middle". And i believe also you do not need to capitalize the word "he" because its all part of one sentence. "What are you all doing here?" He asked the uniforms waiting outside.
Otherwise, I am so thrilled to read and can't wait for more!
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2019
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Woo hoo! I'm so glad I didn't have wait very long to continue reading this intriguing story. There are only a couple of areas I see that need correcting if you are open to considering them. Here I don't believe you need a comma here after cops. "but telling the cops, would put him smack in the middle". And i believe also you do not need to capitalize the word "he" because its all part of one sentence. "What are you all doing here?" He asked the uniforms waiting outside.
Otherwise, I am so thrilled to read and can't wait for more!
Comment Written 17-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2019
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Thank you Diana. I am comma happy for some reason. I am always putting them in when they aren't needed. Thanks for the helps and very glad you are enjoying it. Rox
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LoL! So very welcome!
Comment from royowen
To found out that someone is a pathological with about as much passion about it as a lump of wood that doesn't know it was once part of a tree. I like the different scenes blending them so that we can keep up with the various characters shaping the story, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : Look into the parent's (fiances) finances?
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2019
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To found out that someone is a pathological with about as much passion about it as a lump of wood that doesn't know it was once part of a tree. I like the different scenes blending them so that we can keep up with the various characters shaping the story, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : Look into the parent's (fiances) finances?
Comment Written 17-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2019
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Thanks so much Roy. I corrected my boo boo. I knew that wasn't right, but in advanced editor, the spell check doesn't change the word to the correct spelling. Very frustrating for us terrible spellers. =} Thank you.
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Good job though
Comment from Ulla
Hi Rox, this a great continuation to your story. There's a lot going on and I like the dialogue. It flowed freely.
The had instruction to call as soon as they knew anything. - They had instruction ....
Looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2019
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Hi Rox, this a great continuation to your story. There's a lot going on and I like the dialogue. It flowed freely.
The had instruction to call as soon as they knew anything. - They had instruction ....
Looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 17-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2019
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Thanks so much Ulla.
Comment from Sally Law
Poor Sarah. She is in big trouble in so many ways. This was a good chapter, filling in some gaps in the history section of her connection with the very sick, David Lawson.
I am a little lost on the connection between Sarah's stalker, the warden and the current situation with her partner, Don Russell. There is a lot going on here and maybe just a bit too much in one paragraph for the reader. Take time to tell the story scene by scene, and pull it together at the end of each section in a definitive closing paragraph. My rule of thumb is good advice I give freely to all writers. "It is the writer's burden to tell the story." That applies to both prose and poetry. I hope this helps. Stay with it.
Sending you my best today,
Sal xo
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2019
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Poor Sarah. She is in big trouble in so many ways. This was a good chapter, filling in some gaps in the history section of her connection with the very sick, David Lawson.
I am a little lost on the connection between Sarah's stalker, the warden and the current situation with her partner, Don Russell. There is a lot going on here and maybe just a bit too much in one paragraph for the reader. Take time to tell the story scene by scene, and pull it together at the end of each section in a definitive closing paragraph. My rule of thumb is good advice I give freely to all writers. "It is the writer's burden to tell the story." That applies to both prose and poetry. I hope this helps. Stay with it.
Sending you my best today,
Sal xo
Comment Written 17-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2019
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Thank you. I made a few changes hoping that helps the reader. I hope to connect the dots soon. =} Rox
Comment from nancy_e_davis
The warden had been on vacation and his assistant had been in charge during his absents. (absence)
I found one boo-boo Rox. I hope they catch a reading on her Phone quickly before the battery runs down. He sees to delegate all his chores. I think he could have sent people to that other call and gone to see about Sarah first. Now he knows Don is mixed up with Rick and Ryan.
Maybe he can get some thing out of Don, as her ex partner, about David's obsession with Sarah. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2019
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The warden had been on vacation and his assistant had been in charge during his absents. (absence)
I found one boo-boo Rox. I hope they catch a reading on her Phone quickly before the battery runs down. He sees to delegate all his chores. I think he could have sent people to that other call and gone to see about Sarah first. Now he knows Don is mixed up with Rick and Ryan.
Maybe he can get some thing out of Don, as her ex partner, about David's obsession with Sarah. Nancy:)
Comment Written 17-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2019
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Thank you so much Nancy. Rox
