A Light in the Darkness
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Home, Sweet Home"Young rookie detective is assigned a serial case
10 total reviews
Comment from Darlene BoClair
I would love to read about what David talked about non-stop while driving. Did he talk about his actual prison life, what he cooked for the prisoners and what he is thinking about with Sarah. There's a mystery about stalking that I am curious about. There's a curiosity about the next murder that got my attention.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2019
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I would love to read about what David talked about non-stop while driving. Did he talk about his actual prison life, what he cooked for the prisoners and what he is thinking about with Sarah. There's a mystery about stalking that I am curious about. There's a curiosity about the next murder that got my attention.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2019
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David is a talker, I didn't put in what he said as I was afraid it would be too much and get boring. I don't like a lot of detail when I read books so don't put in too much in mine. But I know there are those who like a lot. One of the writers on here put in so much I told her to maybe cut back, but she said that is how she like to write. The stories were good, but needed editing. So everyone has a style, but we also need to learn and grow and change. So if you feel I need more detail, please let me know. Thanks, dear, for the review and 5 stars.
Comment from JudyE
You've introduced some interesting new developments here.
I picked up a few glitches:
Why hadn't she noticed the SUV park across from her house for five days? - should be 'parked across...'
Opening her eyes, saw total darkness - I might have put 'she saw only total...'
Home. I like the sound of that, don't you Sarah? - comma after 'you'
You scared me, you also shot me - period after 'scared me'
I know, I'm so sorry - period after 'know'
She is so head strong - 'head strong' should be one word I think.
There must be hundreds of ugly cops out there, and the good looking one want's to transfer - hyphenate 'good looking' and delete comma in want's
He had an amazing record, Rob thought he should be the Chief of Police or the Commissioner by now - period after 'record'
David had parked close to the house so the walk was short. - Maybe 'Luckily, David had parked close to the house'.
The snow was deep and the cold went up her legs - maybe 'the cold crept up her legs'
Back in the bedrooom - should be 'bedroom'
The resume on the transfer he had given Rob, was fake - delete 'comma'
He thought it would be funny to shake up the Sergeant . - there is an extra space after 'Sergeant'
He knew he liked Sarah, and thought this might light a fire under him to do something about it. He knew there was an unwritten policy of not dating other cops, and Rob, being her superior could complicate things, but they'd work it out. - this paragraph seems a bit clumsy. Maybe 'He knew Rob liked Sarah, and thought this might light a fire under him to do something about it. Although there was an unwritten policy of not dating other cops, and there was the complication of Rob being her superior, the Chief felt sure the situation could be resolved.
Cheers
Judy
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2019
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You've introduced some interesting new developments here.
I picked up a few glitches:
Why hadn't she noticed the SUV park across from her house for five days? - should be 'parked across...'
Opening her eyes, saw total darkness - I might have put 'she saw only total...'
Home. I like the sound of that, don't you Sarah? - comma after 'you'
You scared me, you also shot me - period after 'scared me'
I know, I'm so sorry - period after 'know'
She is so head strong - 'head strong' should be one word I think.
There must be hundreds of ugly cops out there, and the good looking one want's to transfer - hyphenate 'good looking' and delete comma in want's
He had an amazing record, Rob thought he should be the Chief of Police or the Commissioner by now - period after 'record'
David had parked close to the house so the walk was short. - Maybe 'Luckily, David had parked close to the house'.
The snow was deep and the cold went up her legs - maybe 'the cold crept up her legs'
Back in the bedrooom - should be 'bedroom'
The resume on the transfer he had given Rob, was fake - delete 'comma'
He thought it would be funny to shake up the Sergeant . - there is an extra space after 'Sergeant'
He knew he liked Sarah, and thought this might light a fire under him to do something about it. He knew there was an unwritten policy of not dating other cops, and Rob, being her superior could complicate things, but they'd work it out. - this paragraph seems a bit clumsy. Maybe 'He knew Rob liked Sarah, and thought this might light a fire under him to do something about it. Although there was an unwritten policy of not dating other cops, and there was the complication of Rob being her superior, the Chief felt sure the situation could be resolved.
Cheers
Judy
Comment Written 22-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2019
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Thanks for all the hard work. Sorry. ={ Rox
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I notice you've made very few of the changes I suggested which is okay but even 'bedrooom' hasn't been corrected. I came back to give you five stars. Would you rather I didn't critique? It's okay either way with me.
Cheers
Judy
Comment from Michele Harber
Hi Rox. Your story is definitely starting to take shape. I do have to question, though, whether before she's drugged and can't control the situation, Sarah would really have allowed herself to fall asleep, as she's traveling with a man she knows is dangerous and can't be trusted.
Otherwise, here are a few things I particularly liked about the story. You do a good job of including description and detail, i.e., "snow piled high along the roadside," and the way you describe the room to which David takes Sarah.
I also appreciate that you provide Sarah's inner thoughts, which add another layer to the narrative.
There's definite believability in such lines as, "Though she hated him touching her, she was grateful for the warmth," and in her eventually remembering her training, as you say, and trying to gain his confidence.
You build up the suspense well when you say they'll live in the house "just until our death ceremony" and, particularly, in your very last line, "Sarah would have to wait," as we know she's in trouble and hoping for rescue, and this puts the rescue on hold.
Going back and forth between what's happening with Sarah and David and what's going on in the office is a good technique. You did a good job of showing Rob's feelings for Sarah when he looked at Chad Newman's resume.
You did ask for a list of "boo boo's," so here they are. Don't get worried that it looks like a large amount. Most just involve punctuating properly to avoid run-on sentences.
- In the second paragraph of the new story, end the first sentence after "non-stop," to avoid a run-on sentence.
- In the same paragraph, put a semi-colon after "as she should have," also to avoid a run-on.
- Later in the paragraph, you left the "e" off "one" in "one thing."
- In the paragraph starting, "Sarah actually fell asleep," replace the period after "beaten track" with a comma, and make the upper case "M" in the next word lower case.
- In the paragraph starting, "We're on our way home," put a period after "the sound of that," and make the rest of the sentence into a separate question, with question mark.
- You should end the sentence with "Sarah drifted off to sleep," to avoid a run-on and to give emphasis to the water's having been laced with a sedative.
- Put a period after "Rob realized he was being ridiculous," also to avoid a run-on.
- In the paragraph starting "and went to the bedroom," say, "and went to the window," to avoid a run-on.
- In the paragraph starting "David had been very busy," end your sentence after "Not one feminine touch," and make the rest a separate sentence, also to avoid a run-on.
I hope this is helpful.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2019
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Hi Rox. Your story is definitely starting to take shape. I do have to question, though, whether before she's drugged and can't control the situation, Sarah would really have allowed herself to fall asleep, as she's traveling with a man she knows is dangerous and can't be trusted.
Otherwise, here are a few things I particularly liked about the story. You do a good job of including description and detail, i.e., "snow piled high along the roadside," and the way you describe the room to which David takes Sarah.
I also appreciate that you provide Sarah's inner thoughts, which add another layer to the narrative.
There's definite believability in such lines as, "Though she hated him touching her, she was grateful for the warmth," and in her eventually remembering her training, as you say, and trying to gain his confidence.
You build up the suspense well when you say they'll live in the house "just until our death ceremony" and, particularly, in your very last line, "Sarah would have to wait," as we know she's in trouble and hoping for rescue, and this puts the rescue on hold.
Going back and forth between what's happening with Sarah and David and what's going on in the office is a good technique. You did a good job of showing Rob's feelings for Sarah when he looked at Chad Newman's resume.
You did ask for a list of "boo boo's," so here they are. Don't get worried that it looks like a large amount. Most just involve punctuating properly to avoid run-on sentences.
- In the second paragraph of the new story, end the first sentence after "non-stop," to avoid a run-on sentence.
- In the same paragraph, put a semi-colon after "as she should have," also to avoid a run-on.
- Later in the paragraph, you left the "e" off "one" in "one thing."
- In the paragraph starting, "Sarah actually fell asleep," replace the period after "beaten track" with a comma, and make the upper case "M" in the next word lower case.
- In the paragraph starting, "We're on our way home," put a period after "the sound of that," and make the rest of the sentence into a separate question, with question mark.
- You should end the sentence with "Sarah drifted off to sleep," to avoid a run-on and to give emphasis to the water's having been laced with a sedative.
- Put a period after "Rob realized he was being ridiculous," also to avoid a run-on.
- In the paragraph starting "and went to the bedroom," say, "and went to the window," to avoid a run-on.
- In the paragraph starting "David had been very busy," end your sentence after "Not one feminine touch," and make the rest a separate sentence, also to avoid a run-on.
I hope this is helpful.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2019
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Thanks, some of it I added a bit late minute, so thanks for all the helps and the great review. =} Rox
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You're welcome as always, Rox. It's my pleasure.
Comment from robyn corum
Foxie,
Super job! Not just on this chapter, but the others, as well. I went back and read them all, but didn't see anything wrong so I just came on here. (Great job!!)
This is really intriguing and has me HOOKED! Fab job!!!
Some notes:
1.) Why hadn't she noticed the SUV park across from her house for five nights?
--> I don't remember him giving her this info?
2.) "Are you cold?" He pull(ed) over and got a blanket
3.) David unlock(ed) her handcuff from the door handle.
Keep 'em coming!! You're doing AWESOME!
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2019
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Foxie,
Super job! Not just on this chapter, but the others, as well. I went back and read them all, but didn't see anything wrong so I just came on here. (Great job!!)
This is really intriguing and has me HOOKED! Fab job!!!
Some notes:
1.) Why hadn't she noticed the SUV park across from her house for five nights?
--> I don't remember him giving her this info?
2.) "Are you cold?" He pull(ed) over and got a blanket
3.) David unlock(ed) her handcuff from the door handle.
Keep 'em coming!! You're doing AWESOME!
Comment Written 15-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2019
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Thank you so much!!! This is so encouraging. I made the changes, thank you for pointing them out. I didn't have him tell her how long he had been watching her, so need to fix that too. Thank you again. =} Rox
Comment from Ulla
Hi Roxanna, I think it is a great write and you kept my attention. Only one thing. She need the bathroom and is left in there but the next thing she's in a bed room. How did she get there?
He unlocked the cuffs her and left, locking the door behind him. = He unlocked the cuffs and left, locking the door behind him.
I'm looking forward to more. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2019
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Hi Roxanna, I think it is a great write and you kept my attention. Only one thing. She need the bathroom and is left in there but the next thing she's in a bed room. How did she get there?
He unlocked the cuffs her and left, locking the door behind him. = He unlocked the cuffs and left, locking the door behind him.
I'm looking forward to more. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 14-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2019
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Yes I changed that part and messed it up, thanks for letting me know. I hope I've made it all more clear now. Thanks for the helps. =} Rox
Comment from Mistydawn
Hopefully Sarah will figure a way out of this, soon, but things aren't looking very promising. Your story is well-written, very interesting. Your plot, characters and dialogue seems real. Great job as always.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2019
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Hopefully Sarah will figure a way out of this, soon, but things aren't looking very promising. Your story is well-written, very interesting. Your plot, characters and dialogue seems real. Great job as always.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2019
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Thank you Dear. =} Rox
Comment from Gail Denham
Pretty solid story going here - there was a couple of transitions that could be smoothed - one was "Sarah couldn't believe she had fallen asleep" - something there needed -
also if there's so much snow - when she got out of the car, her feet would crunch in snow and the cold would penetrate - or something like that.
Where was the bathroom? Should she flush to show she did what she said.
The descriptions are pretty good - I wondered about the iron bars - can this be done quickly?
Anyway - held my interest.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2019
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Pretty solid story going here - there was a couple of transitions that could be smoothed - one was "Sarah couldn't believe she had fallen asleep" - something there needed -
also if there's so much snow - when she got out of the car, her feet would crunch in snow and the cold would penetrate - or something like that.
Where was the bathroom? Should she flush to show she did what she said.
The descriptions are pretty good - I wondered about the iron bars - can this be done quickly?
Anyway - held my interest.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2019
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I made some changes so hope it makes things more clear. Bars can be added quickly and he has been out for a while so had time to do that, or the bars may have already been on the windows when he rented the house. You can decide. =} Thanks for the suggestions, I hope I made it better. Guess I'll find out. Rox
Comment from nancy_e_davis
He unlocked the cuffs her and left,(you need to pick the or her here.) LOL That's all I noticed.
Sarah is in deep trouble. She has one hope. Her cell phone that is slowly dying. They have missed her at work and Rob is concerned, but will he check her location in time? The house looks secure. There is no hope of escape. Well done. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2019
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He unlocked the cuffs her and left,(you need to pick the or her here.) LOL That's all I noticed.
Sarah is in deep trouble. She has one hope. Her cell phone that is slowly dying. They have missed her at work and Rob is concerned, but will he check her location in time? The house looks secure. There is no hope of escape. Well done. Nancy:)
Comment Written 14-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2019
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Thanks, I had made a change and mess up the sentence. I think it's better now. =} Thanks so much Nancy. Rox
Comment from Sally Law
Well, this story took an interesting turn. It adds excitement and a nice twist in the plot, though. I love it--a breakfast cooking psycho. It is also telling us that her boss is a Nincompoop, or who we think he really is-- a dirty cop tied to the disappearance of the two wives. What kind of cop let's a missing (female) detective go unchecked? He is so guilty, or sure looks it.
A few nits:
Add, "She drifted off to sleep; the water he gave her was laced with a sedative."
..."she prayed rescue wasn't far off." Add a word or two
for better flow. " She prayed quietly, hoping a rescue
wasn't far off."
Always my best, dear Rox,
Sal xo
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2019
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Well, this story took an interesting turn. It adds excitement and a nice twist in the plot, though. I love it--a breakfast cooking psycho. It is also telling us that her boss is a Nincompoop, or who we think he really is-- a dirty cop tied to the disappearance of the two wives. What kind of cop let's a missing (female) detective go unchecked? He is so guilty, or sure looks it.
A few nits:
Add, "She drifted off to sleep; the water he gave her was laced with a sedative."
..."she prayed rescue wasn't far off." Add a word or two
for better flow. " She prayed quietly, hoping a rescue
wasn't far off."
Always my best, dear Rox,
Sal xo
Comment Written 14-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2019
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I made a few changes I hope made it a easier read. I had a hard time with that sentence, the water, I redid it many times and still wasn't happy. So thank you. Rox
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You are very welcome! :+)
Comment from SpiritedMuse
Awesome! A best-seller in the making. Nice plot, flow, language is simple and direct, the spacing makes it more readable. BTW, would you want to consider alignment and justification...that could make things better for you.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2019
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Awesome! A best-seller in the making. Nice plot, flow, language is simple and direct, the spacing makes it more readable. BTW, would you want to consider alignment and justification...that could make things better for you.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2019
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Thanks so much for the great review. I'm not sure what you mean by alignment and justification. It is hard to read? It looks right to me, but maybe it looks different to you. I'm glad to do whatever helps. Thanks so much.
