St Louis
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "St. Louis Chapter 6 part 3"Can McKenzie solve Megan Nelson?s murder?
20 total reviews
Comment from Dawn Munro
Barbara, I hope I won't offend you, but I found a couple of things this time that aren't exactly wrong, per say, but...
1) this sentence seems a bit awkward to me: "McKenzie thanked, said goodbye..." And because I'm not very happy with reviews that simply find fault and offer no suggestion, here's my suggestion for a smoother read (IMO): "McKenzie thanked Joanie and said goodbye. Logan then passed her his car keys..."
2) it seems a little late for Mac to be asking if Logan has a wife -- they might not have been lovers, but he's been by her side -- glued to her wherever she was going, cooking for her, involved with her dogs, etc.
Otherwise, it's an excellent chapter. (I'd just tweak those two small nits...?)
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2019
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Barbara, I hope I won't offend you, but I found a couple of things this time that aren't exactly wrong, per say, but...
1) this sentence seems a bit awkward to me: "McKenzie thanked, said goodbye..." And because I'm not very happy with reviews that simply find fault and offer no suggestion, here's my suggestion for a smoother read (IMO): "McKenzie thanked Joanie and said goodbye. Logan then passed her his car keys..."
2) it seems a little late for Mac to be asking if Logan has a wife -- they might not have been lovers, but he's been by her side -- glued to her wherever she was going, cooking for her, involved with her dogs, etc.
Otherwise, it's an excellent chapter. (I'd just tweak those two small nits...?)
Comment Written 17-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2019
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They've been too busy worrying about things going on around them to worry about wife's and such. I have made the correction. No, I don't mind. I like to get things correct.
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Oh good. I always hesitate when it's a wonderful writer. :)
Comment from estory
I think your dialogue was pretty good here; crisp and realistic, and you orchestrated the dance of these two around each other very well, parrying each other, reaching out for each other. You could feel the underlying emotions in the voices, and that's a great skill to develop as a writer. Maybe spend a little time setting the scene, describing the surroundings; pay attention to using the descriptions as symbols and metaphors of the themes of the story. Pasternak and Cheever were masters at this. estory
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2019
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I think your dialogue was pretty good here; crisp and realistic, and you orchestrated the dance of these two around each other very well, parrying each other, reaching out for each other. You could feel the underlying emotions in the voices, and that's a great skill to develop as a writer. Maybe spend a little time setting the scene, describing the surroundings; pay attention to using the descriptions as symbols and metaphors of the themes of the story. Pasternak and Cheever were masters at this. estory
Comment Written 12-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2019
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Indeed it would be an interesting conversation. Most men don't know what their ideal wife would be, and others aim too high. What category does Logan fit into? This was a nice chapter that moved us to the next part, Barbara. Well done, my friend. :) Sandra x
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2019
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Indeed it would be an interesting conversation. Most men don't know what their ideal wife would be, and others aim too high. What category does Logan fit into? This was a nice chapter that moved us to the next part, Barbara. Well done, my friend. :) Sandra x
Comment Written 12-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2019
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Thank you for the encouraging review.
Comment from giraffmang
hi Barbara,
Another fine instalment. We get a little more about Logan here through the conversation. I do feel though that if it were me in his situation, I'd be a little frustrated at the progress being made on finding his sister's killer. He seems quite aloof about it for now.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2019
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hi Barbara,
Another fine instalment. We get a little more about Logan here through the conversation. I do feel though that if it were me in his situation, I'd be a little frustrated at the progress being made on finding his sister's killer. He seems quite aloof about it for now.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2019
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It's actually only been a few days. We are still working on it. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from light
Interesting that Mac is just finding out that Logan has never been married. As a PI, I would think she had already run a full background check. And it appears that she might me interested in him. Good chapter.
Elaine
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2019
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Interesting that Mac is just finding out that Logan has never been married. As a PI, I would think she had already run a full background check. And it appears that she might me interested in him. Good chapter.
Elaine
Comment Written 11-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2019
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She hasn't had time to research anything. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Well, whattayaknow? Mac is wondering what kind of woman Logan would like. That's a sign she's interested, whether she admits it or not. As for who is out to kill her, could he be connected to Logan's sister somehow? It's never been mentioned, but maybe he just hates strong women.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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Well, whattayaknow? Mac is wondering what kind of woman Logan would like. That's a sign she's interested, whether she admits it or not. As for who is out to kill her, could he be connected to Logan's sister somehow? It's never been mentioned, but maybe he just hates strong women.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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It will be interesting to find out. I know, but am not going to tell. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from judiverse
Great dialogue to give us insight into the characters. I was surprised that Mac is just finding out that Logan has never been married. Being a PI, she might have found that out early on. Logan is certainly looking out for Mac, if she'll tolerate it. At least he leaves her alone in the coffee shop to continue her investigation. Logan learns about Mac's old fashioned streak when it comes to men. Excellent chapter. judi
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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Great dialogue to give us insight into the characters. I was surprised that Mac is just finding out that Logan has never been married. Being a PI, she might have found that out early on. Logan is certainly looking out for Mac, if she'll tolerate it. At least he leaves her alone in the coffee shop to continue her investigation. Logan learns about Mac's old fashioned streak when it comes to men. Excellent chapter. judi
Comment Written 10-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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Thank you for the kind review. Mac really hasn't had time to research Logan. She'll find out more as she continues to investigate.
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You're very welcome. It sounds as if he's just the right type for her--and he cooks! judi
Comment from Alex Rosel
This is a good excerpt which allows the reader the space to ponder on the direction of the Logan / McKenzie relationship.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
After McKenzie thanked and said good-bye to Joanie, Logan passed her his car keys. -- In general, if the narrative follows the normal chronology, time modifiers are unnecessary, and if used they tend to detract from the pace of the prose. If this case, After is a redundant time modifier that might be beneficially omitted.
"I'm not sure. I should contact Mrs. Whitmore and see what she wants to do with her husband's information." She watched the car in front of her switch lanes. -- Personally, I think the narrative doesn't transition smoothly here. McKenzie and Logan are in Bill's garage, then suddenly McKenzie is watching a car switch lane in front of her on the open road. Not only is this sort of a disjoint, but you're missing a chance to further characterize McKenzie. Does she pull away smoothly? Jam hard on the gas to get going? Fiddle, adjusting the rearview mirror etc. before pulling away? Remember, the reader will be imagining the narrative in their mind's eye, disjointed jumps make that harder.
The conversation snippet between Logan and McKenzie starting I'm curious. Why not? Some men just watch and don't touch and terminating with I just figured I hadn't found the right girl, yet is a nice interchange :) It adds to their characterizations, and I assume it's foreshadowing :)
With She pulled into a parking slot and glanced at her watch you are transitioning the narrative smoothly :)
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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This is a good excerpt which allows the reader the space to ponder on the direction of the Logan / McKenzie relationship.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
After McKenzie thanked and said good-bye to Joanie, Logan passed her his car keys. -- In general, if the narrative follows the normal chronology, time modifiers are unnecessary, and if used they tend to detract from the pace of the prose. If this case, After is a redundant time modifier that might be beneficially omitted.
"I'm not sure. I should contact Mrs. Whitmore and see what she wants to do with her husband's information." She watched the car in front of her switch lanes. -- Personally, I think the narrative doesn't transition smoothly here. McKenzie and Logan are in Bill's garage, then suddenly McKenzie is watching a car switch lane in front of her on the open road. Not only is this sort of a disjoint, but you're missing a chance to further characterize McKenzie. Does she pull away smoothly? Jam hard on the gas to get going? Fiddle, adjusting the rearview mirror etc. before pulling away? Remember, the reader will be imagining the narrative in their mind's eye, disjointed jumps make that harder.
The conversation snippet between Logan and McKenzie starting I'm curious. Why not? Some men just watch and don't touch and terminating with I just figured I hadn't found the right girl, yet is a nice interchange :) It adds to their characterizations, and I assume it's foreshadowing :)
With She pulled into a parking slot and glanced at her watch you are transitioning the narrative smoothly :)
Comment Written 10-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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Thank you for the kind review and suggestions.
Comment from tfawcus
I love the way these two continue to skirt around each other. A splendid mixture of interest and caution. As each one feints, I am reminded of shadow boxing! As McKenzie suggests, it would be an interesting conversation - and I imagine that it will be one that they may have before long.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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I love the way these two continue to skirt around each other. A splendid mixture of interest and caution. As each one feints, I am reminded of shadow boxing! As McKenzie suggests, it would be an interesting conversation - and I imagine that it will be one that they may have before long.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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They do have the conversation. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from susand3022
Hi Barbara, You know how much I like this story... I think that his type of girl is the kind that's unique. The kind that's all hard shell and soft center. The kind that can't cook! LOL The kind that's going to challenge him because she's a bit on the stubborn and willful side. lol (I like that she's wondering) ;)
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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Hi Barbara, You know how much I like this story... I think that his type of girl is the kind that's unique. The kind that's all hard shell and soft center. The kind that can't cook! LOL The kind that's going to challenge him because she's a bit on the stubborn and willful side. lol (I like that she's wondering) ;)
Comment Written 09-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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Mac is wondering a lot, I wonder why??? Thank you for the kind review.
