A Light in the Darkness
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Kidnapped"Young rookie detective is assigned a serial case
10 total reviews
Comment from Darlene BoClair
Introducing David in the story sounds creepy. Could David be the killer? Our justice system is not always 100% with prisoners and being released. David is taking this mystery to a new level. Sarah I wanted her to scream and get the neighbors involved. The men in her personal and police life are yet to be dealt with. Reading on.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2019
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Introducing David in the story sounds creepy. Could David be the killer? Our justice system is not always 100% with prisoners and being released. David is taking this mystery to a new level. Sarah I wanted her to scream and get the neighbors involved. The men in her personal and police life are yet to be dealt with. Reading on.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2019
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Okay, I have another chapter coming this weekend. Maybe 6 more to the end, maybe less. I'm all done, but need to clean up what's written before posting and read it 100x and drive myself crazy. It's just not ready until I'm so sick of it I never want to read it again. =} Thank you again, dear. Rox
Comment from Michele Harber
Thank you, Rox, for not giving what was expected. That the man standing over her bed was her stalker, released from prison early, took me totally by surprise. I also appreciated that you avoided the stereotypical round house kick, recognizing that it would be unlikely to be successful in this scenario.
I found only three of the boo boos to which you asked to be alerted:
1) Where you say, "David parked far enough back not to be seen, and watch Sarah through binoculars," it should say "watched."
2) As most of the sentence "All the self defence classes in the world couldn't help when the guy's a foot taller, stronger and has a gun,"
is in the present tense, you need to change "couldn't" to "can't" to match.
3) In that same sentence, "defence" should be spelled with an "s."
One thing you did right that particularly impressed me was to properly use the subjunctive tense where a sentence expressed any degree of
uncertainty, i.e., "if he weren't careful" and "Sarah felt as if everything were moving in slow motion." Most people would have used "wasn't" and "was" respectively, and they would have been wrong in both cases.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2019
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Thank you, Rox, for not giving what was expected. That the man standing over her bed was her stalker, released from prison early, took me totally by surprise. I also appreciated that you avoided the stereotypical round house kick, recognizing that it would be unlikely to be successful in this scenario.
I found only three of the boo boos to which you asked to be alerted:
1) Where you say, "David parked far enough back not to be seen, and watch Sarah through binoculars," it should say "watched."
2) As most of the sentence "All the self defence classes in the world couldn't help when the guy's a foot taller, stronger and has a gun,"
is in the present tense, you need to change "couldn't" to "can't" to match.
3) In that same sentence, "defence" should be spelled with an "s."
One thing you did right that particularly impressed me was to properly use the subjunctive tense where a sentence expressed any degree of
uncertainty, i.e., "if he weren't careful" and "Sarah felt as if everything were moving in slow motion." Most people would have used "wasn't" and "was" respectively, and they would have been wrong in both cases.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2019
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Thanks so much Michele, I'm so glad you were surprised. Now to get her out of this mess.=} Thanks for the helps, I fixed my boo boos. Rox
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It's my pleasure as always, Rox. At least this story had no frogs!
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I almost put one in. It was going to turn into a prince and save her. =}
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Better yet, perhaps if she kisses her kidnapper, he'll turn into a frog - hopefully not while he's behind the wheel, though.
Comment from Gail Denham
Startling and gripping. Good job on the suspense and actually on the man's planning. Small nit-pick - Rick Taylor - man "whose" wife disappeared. Minor comment. Very good suspense. Will wait for next episode.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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Startling and gripping. Good job on the suspense and actually on the man's planning. Small nit-pick - Rick Taylor - man "whose" wife disappeared. Minor comment. Very good suspense. Will wait for next episode.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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Thank you so much. I fixed that boo boo. =] Rox
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Well Sarah is in trouble, that is an understatement.
David is a sick man and clever to boot. He just can't seem to get over his infatuation of her. He wants them to die together! Isn't he romantic? LOL Well done Rox. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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Well Sarah is in trouble, that is an understatement.
David is a sick man and clever to boot. He just can't seem to get over his infatuation of her. He wants them to die together! Isn't he romantic? LOL Well done Rox. Nancy:)
Comment Written 10-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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Thank you Nancy.
Comment from Mistydawn
The detective has been kidnapped by a lunatic, not good at all. Sarah's smart, she'll figure out how to get free, (I hope.) The chapter is well-written, very interesting, great hook at the end.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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The detective has been kidnapped by a lunatic, not good at all. Sarah's smart, she'll figure out how to get free, (I hope.) The chapter is well-written, very interesting, great hook at the end.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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Thank you so much Misty. And for the 6 stars, I am honored. Rox
Comment from JudyE
The plot is thickening. I wasn't expecting this twist.
I picked up a few points but ignore any you don't like.
The windows were tinted so you couldn't see in on a dark night. - I might have written this as 'Tinted windows ensured that no-one could see in'.
He had to shoot her and was worried - I think this should be 'he had had to shoot her'
She hadn't come to yet - perhaps 'she hadn't come round yet'
He only had rubber bullets - maybe 'he had used rubber bullets'
Remembering the muzzle flash she felt her head and expected to feel blood, but there wasn't any, just a big bump. - Maybe 'Remembering the muzzle flash she felt her head, expecting to feel blood, but there wasn't any, just a big bump.
All those amazing women were so much fantsay. - spelling - fantasy
All the self defence classes in the world couldn't help you when the guy's a foot taller, stronger and has a gun - delete 'you' and I think make it past tense 'when the guy was a foot taller, stronger and had a gun'.
David put her in the front passenger seat and got handcuffs out of the glove compartment. He cuffed her left wrist and clicked the other cuff around the door handle. - Maybe 'David put her in the front passenger seat. Taking handcuffs from the glove compartment, he cuffed her left wrist to the door handle.
Cheers. Judy
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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The plot is thickening. I wasn't expecting this twist.
I picked up a few points but ignore any you don't like.
The windows were tinted so you couldn't see in on a dark night. - I might have written this as 'Tinted windows ensured that no-one could see in'.
He had to shoot her and was worried - I think this should be 'he had had to shoot her'
She hadn't come to yet - perhaps 'she hadn't come round yet'
He only had rubber bullets - maybe 'he had used rubber bullets'
Remembering the muzzle flash she felt her head and expected to feel blood, but there wasn't any, just a big bump. - Maybe 'Remembering the muzzle flash she felt her head, expecting to feel blood, but there wasn't any, just a big bump.
All those amazing women were so much fantsay. - spelling - fantasy
All the self defence classes in the world couldn't help you when the guy's a foot taller, stronger and has a gun - delete 'you' and I think make it past tense 'when the guy was a foot taller, stronger and had a gun'.
David put her in the front passenger seat and got handcuffs out of the glove compartment. He cuffed her left wrist and clicked the other cuff around the door handle. - Maybe 'David put her in the front passenger seat. Taking handcuffs from the glove compartment, he cuffed her left wrist to the door handle.
Cheers. Judy
Comment Written 10-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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Thanks for the helps, I think I fixed everything. Rox
Comment from Sandra Montanino
You've created a very disturbing and well written scene. This guy is creeping me out, so poor Sarah. Hopefully, she her detective training will kick in and she can figure out how to escape. It's compelling story. Good job.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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You've created a very disturbing and well written scene. This guy is creeping me out, so poor Sarah. Hopefully, she her detective training will kick in and she can figure out how to escape. It's compelling story. Good job.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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Thanks so much Sandra.
Comment from Patty Palmer
Very interesting! I enjoyed the story and was sad when it was done. Your writing is really good and you had me mesmerized from the first line. I'll be watching for the next chapter!
"keep right on writing!"
Patty
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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Very interesting! I enjoyed the story and was sad when it was done. Your writing is really good and you had me mesmerized from the first line. I'll be watching for the next chapter!
"keep right on writing!"
Patty
Comment Written 10-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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Thank you so much Patty.
Comment from Diana L Crawford
This is a very intriguing story! Is this a completed book yet? I love the mystery waiting to be revealed between the "u-turn" and "sitting in the edge of her bed"! I love images you weave and hope there will be more forthcoming! I didn't find any mistakes in spelling, grammar or punctuation! Job well done!
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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This is a very intriguing story! Is this a completed book yet? I love the mystery waiting to be revealed between the "u-turn" and "sitting in the edge of her bed"! I love images you weave and hope there will be more forthcoming! I didn't find any mistakes in spelling, grammar or punctuation! Job well done!
Comment Written 09-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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It is a book, at the top of the page you can click on different chapters. Thank you so much for the great review.
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Ok thanks! Newbie here lol! Appreciate the info!
Comment from royowen
So, as it turns out this David Dude is a stalker who had been released early by accident as far as Sarah's concerned, it's going to take a lot of calling upon any training she may have had here. So he's handcuffed her to the car doors, and is driving to a place probably Unknown, this guy is weird.well done Rox,mths beginning of an excellent story. And great characters, Blessings, Roy
Typo : The men(')scouse you were in. 2: When the Guy(')s a foot taller.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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So, as it turns out this David Dude is a stalker who had been released early by accident as far as Sarah's concerned, it's going to take a lot of calling upon any training she may have had here. So he's handcuffed her to the car doors, and is driving to a place probably Unknown, this guy is weird.well done Rox,mths beginning of an excellent story. And great characters, Blessings, Roy
Typo : The men(')scouse you were in. 2: When the Guy(')s a foot taller.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
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Thank you Roy and for the helps. Rox
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My pleasure
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Most welcome Rox
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Hi, I wanted to ask you something. Do you read Deniz22's posts? The last few have been like another person is writing them. It is so weird. He has never written anything the whole time he has been on FS but spiritual works, devotional type post, expounding on bible passages, he's very good. Now they are anything but. I am so confused. I wonder if someone else has taken over his profile. Or maybe he is schizophrenic, more than one personality? =} In his last reply to me he asked me to facetime him sometime. I'm pretty sure he was kidding, my post was about cell phones, but it was still really weird for him to act this way, his replies in the past have always been very short nothing personal. Oh well. Rox
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I haven't read Dennis' work for awhile dear Rox,so no, I haven't, sorry, I can't shed light on it. Bless you for the review. Roy
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Or rather, my pleasure, heh heh
