A Light in the Darkness
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Breaking the Rules"Young rookie detective is assigned a serial case
12 total reviews
Comment from Darlene BoClair
Now, I believe it's all about Sarah. Investigations is getting to her. The men either have a criminal bond, relationship bond, and or naive bond with women from college years. Yet, I feel like the writer about Sarah something is not right.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2019
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Now, I believe it's all about Sarah. Investigations is getting to her. The men either have a criminal bond, relationship bond, and or naive bond with women from college years. Yet, I feel like the writer about Sarah something is not right.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2019
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Something stinks as the Chief said. =} Thanks so much. Rox
Comment from Ulla
Hi Roxanna, this was an intense chapter and a lot was going on. Just one thing. He's already said 'You owe me' so maybe when he says it again he could say 'You still owe me' Just to make a bit of variation. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2019
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Hi Roxanna, this was an intense chapter and a lot was going on. Just one thing. He's already said 'You owe me' so maybe when he says it again he could say 'You still owe me' Just to make a bit of variation. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 08-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2019
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Okay, I'll look at that part again. Thanks so much Ulla =]
Comment from Gail Denham
Wow - good development of a page turner. This mystery has lots of potential - and WHY? would she go into a house where she suspected someone. Too scary for me. But good for your story.
Good job.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2019
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Wow - good development of a page turner. This mystery has lots of potential - and WHY? would she go into a house where she suspected someone. Too scary for me. But good for your story.
Good job.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2019
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I'm very much a coward, so I make my characters brave. =} If I were watching this on TV I'd be yelling at the screen, "Don't go in there!" =} Thanks so much. Rox
Comment from Sally Law
Thais was a good installment with interesting twists in the storyline. I thought Don was involved somehow and now we see he could be intimately connected to the disappearance of the two wives.
I noticed that you struggle where I do sometimes, and I am here to help. You used pronouns and Sarah's name more than necessary. It causes the story the be choppy and thereby, effecting the flow. I chose one paragraph to illustrate my point, and offer improvements.
You wrote:
"Sarah hung up and turned to leave. She bumped into a shelf and a box fell to the ground. The contents spilled out and Sarah hurriedly knelt to clean it up. It was a bunch of old photos. Sarah picked up one and was completely stunned. It was of Don, Rick Taylor and Ryan Matthews. Their much younger faces smiling for the camera as they bunched together for the selfie."
My suggestions:
Sarah hung up and turned to leave; knocking a box off one of the shelves. Kneeling down, her eyes caught sight of some vintage photos strewn about. One photo in particular caught her attention. She gasped when she recognized the smiling faces of Don, Rick, and Ryan bunched together for a selfie.
Cutting a few pronouns and excessive name repetition, especially Sarah's, creates a nice flow and doesn't take away from from the story. I would groom each paragraph the same way. My copy editor eats me alive about these things, so I pass on this knowledge to you as my friend and fellow FanStory member. I hope this helps. I will be back to reread this and raise your rating accordingly.
Always my best, dear Rox.
Sal xo
Yes, much improved. One more note. Per paragraph, use her name no more than one time. To see how it reads, read it aloud in one sitting. My husband does this with me and so does my girlfriend. It helps to hear how this sounds, not just words on a page. This was told to me many times by Mastery. Heā??s right. Read it out loud and be your worst, or best critic.
Always,
Sal :+))
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2019
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Thais was a good installment with interesting twists in the storyline. I thought Don was involved somehow and now we see he could be intimately connected to the disappearance of the two wives.
I noticed that you struggle where I do sometimes, and I am here to help. You used pronouns and Sarah's name more than necessary. It causes the story the be choppy and thereby, effecting the flow. I chose one paragraph to illustrate my point, and offer improvements.
You wrote:
"Sarah hung up and turned to leave. She bumped into a shelf and a box fell to the ground. The contents spilled out and Sarah hurriedly knelt to clean it up. It was a bunch of old photos. Sarah picked up one and was completely stunned. It was of Don, Rick Taylor and Ryan Matthews. Their much younger faces smiling for the camera as they bunched together for the selfie."
My suggestions:
Sarah hung up and turned to leave; knocking a box off one of the shelves. Kneeling down, her eyes caught sight of some vintage photos strewn about. One photo in particular caught her attention. She gasped when she recognized the smiling faces of Don, Rick, and Ryan bunched together for a selfie.
Cutting a few pronouns and excessive name repetition, especially Sarah's, creates a nice flow and doesn't take away from from the story. I would groom each paragraph the same way. My copy editor eats me alive about these things, so I pass on this knowledge to you as my friend and fellow FanStory member. I hope this helps. I will be back to reread this and raise your rating accordingly.
Always my best, dear Rox.
Sal xo
Yes, much improved. One more note. Per paragraph, use her name no more than one time. To see how it reads, read it aloud in one sitting. My husband does this with me and so does my girlfriend. It helps to hear how this sounds, not just words on a page. This was told to me many times by Mastery. Heā??s right. Read it out loud and be your worst, or best critic.
Always,
Sal :+))
Comment Written 07-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2019
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Yes I know I have a problem with too many 'shes' and such. I redid a bunch so hopefully it's better now. Thanks for the help. =}
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I will come right now and look. :+))
Comment from royowen
It's terrible when one loses one's writing to the ether Rox, well done itynthis in. A good standard of leaving our protagonist in a state of unconscious nothingness. She gets an old colleague/partner keeping a vigil on Rick and Don, andva possiboe third. At Rick's place she finds evidence of a trio in a photo, including Rick, Don andbanother, plusva third, and blood on the floor, before they return. Exciting episode Rox, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2019
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It's terrible when one loses one's writing to the ether Rox, well done itynthis in. A good standard of leaving our protagonist in a state of unconscious nothingness. She gets an old colleague/partner keeping a vigil on Rick and Don, andva possiboe third. At Rick's place she finds evidence of a trio in a photo, including Rick, Don andbanother, plusva third, and blood on the floor, before they return. Exciting episode Rox, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 06-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2019
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Thank you Roy. I was told it was sounding like a TV show, so am trying to redo a few chapters hoping to make it not so predictable.
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TV show?s no a bad thing
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Intense with a good cliff-hanger ending. Intriguing storyline and good pace. Glad you were able to recreate this chapter. A good one!
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2019
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Intense with a good cliff-hanger ending. Intriguing storyline and good pace. Glad you were able to recreate this chapter. A good one!
Comment Written 06-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2019
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Thank you Brett. I was told it was sounding like a TV show. So am working on my chapters I had all done, redoing, which is the norm, and hoping it won't be so predictable. Thanks again, really appreciate your review. Rox
Comment from Michele Harber
Hi Roxanna. I'm glad you were able to recreate your chapter. As always, your story is interesting and you include a good deal of detail. The one thing I want to warn you about is that it's starting to sound too much like too many made-for-TV movies and cop shows I've seen. I knew that the exploration of the basement went too easily and that, when you established that Sarah was home alone and fell asleep unexpectedly, someone had to be there. I also knew from one or two chapters back that Don was involved. I don't know what else you have planned for your story, But I hope it will take it off the track we've seen too often. I hope, for instance, that it turns out Don's been on an undercover mission this whole time to bring Rick down. Basically, I just want you to be careful. No matter how well-written a story might be, people will be less likely to read it if they feel they've read it before.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2019
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Hi Roxanna. I'm glad you were able to recreate your chapter. As always, your story is interesting and you include a good deal of detail. The one thing I want to warn you about is that it's starting to sound too much like too many made-for-TV movies and cop shows I've seen. I knew that the exploration of the basement went too easily and that, when you established that Sarah was home alone and fell asleep unexpectedly, someone had to be there. I also knew from one or two chapters back that Don was involved. I don't know what else you have planned for your story, But I hope it will take it off the track we've seen too often. I hope, for instance, that it turns out Don's been on an undercover mission this whole time to bring Rick down. Basically, I just want you to be careful. No matter how well-written a story might be, people will be less likely to read it if they feel they've read it before.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2019
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That is no doubt true, I'm sure much of my material and ideas come from the many crime shows I watch. I will try to shake it up a bit and not let it get too predictable. Now I have to really use my brain. It's so hard. ={ Thanks for the help and suggestions. Rox =}
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You're welcome, Rox. Obviously, I'm watching way too many crime dramas myself (thanks to my daughter, who's addicted to them) or I wouldn't have made the connection, but I wouldn't be a friend if I didn't point it out.
Comment from Mistydawn
It's such a shame she can't use what she found. Hopefully it'll help her piece it together, get enough probable cause for a warrant. The story is well-written, very interesting start to finish, suspenseful. I don't know what your other chapter was like, but I really enjoyed this one, nice job.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2019
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It's such a shame she can't use what she found. Hopefully it'll help her piece it together, get enough probable cause for a warrant. The story is well-written, very interesting start to finish, suspenseful. I don't know what your other chapter was like, but I really enjoyed this one, nice job.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2019
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Well when you break the rules... Thanks so much Misty, glad you are enjoying it. Rox
Comment from nancy_e_davis
WOW! This was intense! I was really into the story. If there were boo boo's I didn't notice. I was so afraid she would get caught. That picture of the three men and what she captured on her cell phone in the basement would have been enough for arrests in the case, but not if her intruder has his way. He probably saw her leave the house and now will take the evidence she collected. We know she will survive, but all the evidence is probably lost. Well done, Rox! Nancy:)
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2019
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WOW! This was intense! I was really into the story. If there were boo boo's I didn't notice. I was so afraid she would get caught. That picture of the three men and what she captured on her cell phone in the basement would have been enough for arrests in the case, but not if her intruder has his way. He probably saw her leave the house and now will take the evidence she collected. We know she will survive, but all the evidence is probably lost. Well done, Rox! Nancy:)
Comment Written 06-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2019
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Thank you so much. Someone just told me it's to much like a TV show and predictable. But I suppose that is where I get my ideas. Maybe I need to think outside the box more. But I'm very glad you like it and thank you for the 6 stars. Rox
Comment from JudyE
This is getting very exciting. And it's a cliff-hanger ending.
I picked up a few things:
Sarah ducked as Don's car past her's - should be 'passed'.
No, that wasn't it, something was very wrong - period after 'it'
Sarah was dumbfounded and not sure what to do. - This might be a stronger sentence as 'Dumbfounded, Sarah was not ....'
Traffic was light, everyone was home watching - period after 'light'
She no longer cared about a warrant, she wanted answers - period after 'warrant'
Sarah had thought to bring a DNA kit with her and she swabbed the stain. - maybe simply 'Sarah had brought a DNA...'
It was of Don, Rick Taylor and Ryan Matthews, in younger days. Their much younger faces smiling for the camera as they bunched together for the selfie - replace period with a comma
She was pulling out when the gray Toyota pulled into Rick's drive way. - 'drive way' I think is one word.
Pulling into her housing tract, she stopped to get her mail and then pulled into her garage. - you have 'pulling' then 'pulled' here. Maybe replace 'pulled' with 'drove'.
Regards. Judy
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2019
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This is getting very exciting. And it's a cliff-hanger ending.
I picked up a few things:
Sarah ducked as Don's car past her's - should be 'passed'.
No, that wasn't it, something was very wrong - period after 'it'
Sarah was dumbfounded and not sure what to do. - This might be a stronger sentence as 'Dumbfounded, Sarah was not ....'
Traffic was light, everyone was home watching - period after 'light'
She no longer cared about a warrant, she wanted answers - period after 'warrant'
Sarah had thought to bring a DNA kit with her and she swabbed the stain. - maybe simply 'Sarah had brought a DNA...'
It was of Don, Rick Taylor and Ryan Matthews, in younger days. Their much younger faces smiling for the camera as they bunched together for the selfie - replace period with a comma
She was pulling out when the gray Toyota pulled into Rick's drive way. - 'drive way' I think is one word.
Pulling into her housing tract, she stopped to get her mail and then pulled into her garage. - you have 'pulling' then 'pulled' here. Maybe replace 'pulled' with 'drove'.
Regards. Judy
Comment Written 06-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2019
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I think I fixed everything. I was just told it is too much like a TV show and predictable. ={ Oh well, I suppose it is and many of my ideas come from TV. Guess I better think outside the box a bit more. =} Thank again for the helps. Rox
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I wouldn't take too much notice of one person saying this. He/she may not be any more knowledgeable than you. Writing is a very subjective thing at the best of times.
