St Louis
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "St. Louis Chapter 6 part 2"Can McKenzie solve Megan Nelson?s murder?
15 total reviews
Comment from judiverse
Bill sounds like a good friend. With him and Logan, maybe Mac will be safe. Someone's playing creepy tricks on Mac, and there don't seem to be any leads. Bill must really be concerned because he called Logan so that the two will be sure to keep an eye on Mac. A bit of a lie on Logan's part when he says it was his father calling. Great characterization, and you really have the suspense going about who's threatening Mac and who would send the dead rat. Still, she's going about her business, planning to interview Megan's friend at school. judi
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2019
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Bill sounds like a good friend. With him and Logan, maybe Mac will be safe. Someone's playing creepy tricks on Mac, and there don't seem to be any leads. Bill must really be concerned because he called Logan so that the two will be sure to keep an eye on Mac. A bit of a lie on Logan's part when he says it was his father calling. Great characterization, and you really have the suspense going about who's threatening Mac and who would send the dead rat. Still, she's going about her business, planning to interview Megan's friend at school. judi
Comment Written 02-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2019
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Thank you for the kind review.
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You're very welcome. Have a relaxing summer. judi
Comment from Ulla
Hi Barbara. This is a great continuation to the story. I really liked it. Great dialogue and she is stubborn.
McKenzie watched Bill walk away and then turned and proceeded the down sidewalk. = McKenzie ... and then turned and proceeded down the sidewalk. I also have a suggestion: McKenzie watched Bill walk away and then turned proceeding down the sidewalk.
All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2019
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Hi Barbara. This is a great continuation to the story. I really liked it. Great dialogue and she is stubborn.
McKenzie watched Bill walk away and then turned and proceeded the down sidewalk. = McKenzie ... and then turned and proceeded down the sidewalk. I also have a suggestion: McKenzie watched Bill walk away and then turned proceeding down the sidewalk.
All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 02-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2019
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I just worked on that sentence. I hope I didn't make it worse. Thank you for the help.
Comment from giraffmang
The plot thickens a little more with someone on Mac's case big time. She'll be her own worst enemy if she's not careful.
and more than a single doze- I think in this instance it may need to be dose.
It may be an idea when you're done with the whole story to go back through and look at areas around the dialogue. Frequently it's people's eyes meeting or turning to face one another. It may be an idea to give them some sort of activity to do to break up the repetitive patterns.
McKenzie's arms crossed her chest. - you could just say she crossed her arms. this feels a little like the arms did it themselves.
Bill walk away and then turned and proceeded the down sidewalk. - down the.
Logan grabbed some eggs onions, sweet peppers, - comma needed after eggs.
. "Are scrambled eggs and fruit okay? - need closing speech marks here.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2019
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The plot thickens a little more with someone on Mac's case big time. She'll be her own worst enemy if she's not careful.
and more than a single doze- I think in this instance it may need to be dose.
It may be an idea when you're done with the whole story to go back through and look at areas around the dialogue. Frequently it's people's eyes meeting or turning to face one another. It may be an idea to give them some sort of activity to do to break up the repetitive patterns.
McKenzie's arms crossed her chest. - you could just say she crossed her arms. this feels a little like the arms did it themselves.
Bill walk away and then turned and proceeded the down sidewalk. - down the.
Logan grabbed some eggs onions, sweet peppers, - comma needed after eggs.
. "Are scrambled eggs and fruit okay? - need closing speech marks here.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2019
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I have made the corrections. I'm trying to cut the facing and eye contact to a minimum. I still need a lot more work. Thank you.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
I like the dead rat... nice touch. LOL! So someone is angry with Mac, probably someone she got sent to prison and now is out? I guess all detectives, public or private, make lifetime enemies of criminals they put away. On the other hand, someone might want to stop Mac from investigating Megan's death. Maybe they're afraid of being found out?
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reply by the author on 02-Jun-2019
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I like the dead rat... nice touch. LOL! So someone is angry with Mac, probably someone she got sent to prison and now is out? I guess all detectives, public or private, make lifetime enemies of criminals they put away. On the other hand, someone might want to stop Mac from investigating Megan's death. Maybe they're afraid of being found out?
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2019
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We will have to wait and see. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from susand3022
Hi Barbara, Who on earth would ever think that Google would have an image of a dead rat in a coffin! I am really loving this story. I can't wait to see what comes next... lots of GHB, I'm dying to know who tried to take her, and what they thought they could do with her once they had her. I'm also dying to know who threatened her... the same people or different ones? Can't wait to find out about everything! :)
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2019
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Hi Barbara, Who on earth would ever think that Google would have an image of a dead rat in a coffin! I am really loving this story. I can't wait to see what comes next... lots of GHB, I'm dying to know who tried to take her, and what they thought they could do with her once they had her. I'm also dying to know who threatened her... the same people or different ones? Can't wait to find out about everything! :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2019
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It's amazing what one can find on google images. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
