A Light in the Darkness
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Case Closed"Young rookie detective is assigned a serial case
11 total reviews
Comment from Darlene BoClair
The details are getting so amazing. I like how Sarah is getting more and more curious about what is not told of the crimes. I know there is a catch in the story and more murders to solve. What is Don going to do up until retirement? Not ready to let the character of Don go.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2019
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The details are getting so amazing. I like how Sarah is getting more and more curious about what is not told of the crimes. I know there is a catch in the story and more murders to solve. What is Don going to do up until retirement? Not ready to let the character of Don go.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2019
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The truth will be reviled. =} Just a few more chapter to go. Rox
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Hi Roxanna,
Wow! Sarah certainly is showing tenacity and an intuitive streak and it seems she may be proved correct.
This chapter offers some closure but dangles the possibility of more
to discover.
How intriguing.
Blessings
Shirley
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2019
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Hi Roxanna,
Wow! Sarah certainly is showing tenacity and an intuitive streak and it seems she may be proved correct.
This chapter offers some closure but dangles the possibility of more
to discover.
How intriguing.
Blessings
Shirley
Comment Written 05-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2019
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Thank so much Shirley.
Comment from Mistydawn
I'm with Sarah on this I don't think he killed all of them. Something seems a bit off. What they said about not always killing the same may be true, but... It's very well-written, interesting, realistic. A nice addition to your story.
reply by the author on 31-May-2019
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I'm with Sarah on this I don't think he killed all of them. Something seems a bit off. What they said about not always killing the same may be true, but... It's very well-written, interesting, realistic. A nice addition to your story.
Comment Written 31-May-2019
reply by the author on 31-May-2019
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Stay tune to find out. If you read, "The Girl with the Dead Eyes" in my portfolio it is the prequel to this and it will tell you who did what. But if you prefer to be surprised, don't read it. Thanks so much. =}
Comment from WryWriter
Oh, you do know how to rile a reader's curiosity!! I think her hunch is correct. Something doesn't smell right! Some suggestions below for your consideration:
"No, you go ahead,((.)) ((I))t was your hard work that solved the case.
They ((omit all)) had so much promise and their dreams, as well as the dreams their parents had for them, ((now all)) had ((omit all)) been taken away.
Sarah couldn't help but put her parents in their places,((;)) what if it were them getting this news?
All the families were grateful they had the answers as to what happen to their missing women((loved one)), but were upset the bodies may never be recovered.
someone I called my best friend would do such a thing".((."))
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A very enjoyable reading experience! Great job!!
reply by the author on 31-May-2019
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Oh, you do know how to rile a reader's curiosity!! I think her hunch is correct. Something doesn't smell right! Some suggestions below for your consideration:
"No, you go ahead,((.)) ((I))t was your hard work that solved the case.
They ((omit all)) had so much promise and their dreams, as well as the dreams their parents had for them, ((now all)) had ((omit all)) been taken away.
Sarah couldn't help but put her parents in their places,((;)) what if it were them getting this news?
All the families were grateful they had the answers as to what happen to their missing women((loved one)), but were upset the bodies may never be recovered.
someone I called my best friend would do such a thing".((."))
-------
A very enjoyable reading experience! Great job!!
Comment Written 30-May-2019
reply by the author on 31-May-2019
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Thanks so much, I made the suggested changes and like the chapter better. Thanks so much. Rox
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You are welcome. I love reading your story! : )
Comment from royowen
A great development in your story, the best detective stories seem to have characters who trust their instincts, they possess integrity and never yield to peer pressure of people who don't have the same integrity, that's why you've created a good character in Sarah, who is exactly that. Well done, you're a clever writer, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 31-May-2019
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A great development in your story, the best detective stories seem to have characters who trust their instincts, they possess integrity and never yield to peer pressure of people who don't have the same integrity, that's why you've created a good character in Sarah, who is exactly that. Well done, you're a clever writer, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 30-May-2019
reply by the author on 31-May-2019
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Thank you kind sir. I am getting a lot of help with it, and that has been really great.
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Good job
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I agree with Sarah. It was too easy. I believe Rick might be the serial killer and has set it up so Ryan would look guilty.
What is wrong with Don? Does he know something he can't tell Sarah? This is a good mystery Rox. Well done. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 30-May-2019
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I agree with Sarah. It was too easy. I believe Rick might be the serial killer and has set it up so Ryan would look guilty.
What is wrong with Don? Does he know something he can't tell Sarah? This is a good mystery Rox. Well done. Nancy:)
Comment Written 30-May-2019
reply by the author on 30-May-2019
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Thanks so much Nancy, it's getting more fun. Well not that killing people is fun. Of course, I don't know since I've never done, but have thought about it. =] Have a good day. Rox
Comment from Sally Law
Rick looks ever so guilty. You did a great job describing his emotional detachment--a man with a missing wife who is most likely dead--would naturally be beside himself. He did have twenty minutes to tie up any loose ends, too. Don's character has gone over the cliff and I'm wondering if there is much more here than just his eyesight. He is, after all, a cop at heart. Serial killers have a much larger web than most suspect. The only thing worse than being blind is turning a blind eye to the truth. Nice pace on this one, Rox.
Always my best,
Sal xo
reply by the author on 30-May-2019
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Rick looks ever so guilty. You did a great job describing his emotional detachment--a man with a missing wife who is most likely dead--would naturally be beside himself. He did have twenty minutes to tie up any loose ends, too. Don's character has gone over the cliff and I'm wondering if there is much more here than just his eyesight. He is, after all, a cop at heart. Serial killers have a much larger web than most suspect. The only thing worse than being blind is turning a blind eye to the truth. Nice pace on this one, Rox.
Always my best,
Sal xo
Comment Written 30-May-2019
reply by the author on 30-May-2019
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Thank you so much Sally. We will learn more about Danny Don in the next chapters. =}
Comment from robyn corum
Roxie,
What an AWESOME post! At first, I thought - like you - wow, we're done? That was so easy. Too easy. And then, pow! You moved to add that element of surprise that keeps a reader hooked. The fact that you left us with this cliff-hanger ending ensures that we want to TURN THE PAGE or - in this case - catch the next installment. I'm so proud of you!!!
Only saw two TINY nits:
1.) What ever it was, he was distancing himself
--> 'whatever'
2.) "If (you) think that's best," she replied.
Fab job. Fab job!!!! Go get 'em!!
reply by the author on 30-May-2019
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Roxie,
What an AWESOME post! At first, I thought - like you - wow, we're done? That was so easy. Too easy. And then, pow! You moved to add that element of surprise that keeps a reader hooked. The fact that you left us with this cliff-hanger ending ensures that we want to TURN THE PAGE or - in this case - catch the next installment. I'm so proud of you!!!
Only saw two TINY nits:
1.) What ever it was, he was distancing himself
--> 'whatever'
2.) "If (you) think that's best," she replied.
Fab job. Fab job!!!! Go get 'em!!
Comment Written 30-May-2019
reply by the author on 30-May-2019
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Thank you, thank you! I'm so happy1
Comment from JudyE
I picked up a few small points but none detract from your story. Well done.
I've listed a few things below:
But, she had been a police officer long enough to know people didn't always react the way you thought they should to death. - I might have said 'didn't always react to death the way....'
Everyone on the team took a room, Don took the basement and Sarah took the master bedroom. - period after 'room'
The FBI would have to be informed as the murders took place in multiple states. They would notify the other families. - maybe 'they would also notify the other families'
"No you go ahead, it was mostly your hard work that solved the case. - comma after 'no', period after 'ahead'.
Sarah couldn't help but put her parents in their places, what if it were them getting this news? - period after 'places'
All the families were grateful they had the answers as to what happen to their missing women, - should be 'to what happened'
Sarah was interviewed numerous times by the press, she made several television appearances, and was invited to have dinner with the Mayor. - period after 'press'
She struggled to keep her emotion in check. She had teared up a few time, - 'a few times'
The interviewer and audience seem to love it when she did. - seemed to love it
She watched Rick Taylor being interviewed again, and again as the best friend of a serial killer. - delete comma after 'again'
"I don't know Sarah, Major Crimes and the Commissioner think he did it and the cases are closed." - period after 'Sarah'
All the others had been meticulously cataloged, but not Lauren and Carla, why?" - period after 'Carla'
"The case is closed Sarah. - comma after 'Sarah'
What ever it was, - 'What ever' should be one word - whatever
"If think that's best," - did you mean 'if you think that's best'
Cheers. Judy
reply by the author on 30-May-2019
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I picked up a few small points but none detract from your story. Well done.
I've listed a few things below:
But, she had been a police officer long enough to know people didn't always react the way you thought they should to death. - I might have said 'didn't always react to death the way....'
Everyone on the team took a room, Don took the basement and Sarah took the master bedroom. - period after 'room'
The FBI would have to be informed as the murders took place in multiple states. They would notify the other families. - maybe 'they would also notify the other families'
"No you go ahead, it was mostly your hard work that solved the case. - comma after 'no', period after 'ahead'.
Sarah couldn't help but put her parents in their places, what if it were them getting this news? - period after 'places'
All the families were grateful they had the answers as to what happen to their missing women, - should be 'to what happened'
Sarah was interviewed numerous times by the press, she made several television appearances, and was invited to have dinner with the Mayor. - period after 'press'
She struggled to keep her emotion in check. She had teared up a few time, - 'a few times'
The interviewer and audience seem to love it when she did. - seemed to love it
She watched Rick Taylor being interviewed again, and again as the best friend of a serial killer. - delete comma after 'again'
"I don't know Sarah, Major Crimes and the Commissioner think he did it and the cases are closed." - period after 'Sarah'
All the others had been meticulously cataloged, but not Lauren and Carla, why?" - period after 'Carla'
"The case is closed Sarah. - comma after 'Sarah'
What ever it was, - 'What ever' should be one word - whatever
"If think that's best," - did you mean 'if you think that's best'
Cheers. Judy
Comment Written 30-May-2019
reply by the author on 30-May-2019
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Thanks so much. It posted and I didn't know it so couldn't go over it like I wanted to, though that usually doesn't make a difference. =} The preview must have said, 'no' and I didn't notice, so thanks for all the help.
Comment from Alex Rosel
I enjoyed reading this. I like how you've clearly plotted the story-line. In particular, this piece contains some good characterization.
Here are some points you might like to consider:
The only drawback was there wasn't anything to say where the bodies might be. -- Just a picky point. Maybe, ... there wasn't anything to indicate where the bodies might be is better?
They wouldn't be able to bring them home.
-- Again, I'm being picky, but this appears to be jumping to conclusions. Not what I'd expect from a detective. Maybe, It'd be difficult to find the corpses and to bring them home is better?
Sarah couldn't help but put her parents in their places, what if it were them getting this news? -- I think this is a great snippet of introspection narrative. It adds to the characterization of Sarah, and does so with so few words. Excellent :)
She had teared up a few time[s] -- spag?
The interviewer and audience seem[ed] to love it when she did -- spag? Maintain the past tense.
There was just something[ ]... -- spag? No space needed.
There was just something about Rick's *affect. -- Affect is a verb, a noun is required here. Maybe, affectation, or demeanor?
Sarah only felt relief and was a little ashamed of herself. -- Again, great characterization :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-May-2019
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I enjoyed reading this. I like how you've clearly plotted the story-line. In particular, this piece contains some good characterization.
Here are some points you might like to consider:
The only drawback was there wasn't anything to say where the bodies might be. -- Just a picky point. Maybe, ... there wasn't anything to indicate where the bodies might be is better?
They wouldn't be able to bring them home.
-- Again, I'm being picky, but this appears to be jumping to conclusions. Not what I'd expect from a detective. Maybe, It'd be difficult to find the corpses and to bring them home is better?
Sarah couldn't help but put her parents in their places, what if it were them getting this news? -- I think this is a great snippet of introspection narrative. It adds to the characterization of Sarah, and does so with so few words. Excellent :)
She had teared up a few time[s] -- spag?
The interviewer and audience seem[ed] to love it when she did -- spag? Maintain the past tense.
There was just something[ ]... -- spag? No space needed.
There was just something about Rick's *affect. -- Affect is a verb, a noun is required here. Maybe, affectation, or demeanor?
Sarah only felt relief and was a little ashamed of herself. -- Again, great characterization :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-May-2019
reply by the author on 30-May-2019
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Thanks so much. It posted and I didn't know it had, the preview must have said 'no' and I didn't notice, so I am amazed my errors weren't worse. Thanks so much for your time and help and the encouraging review. Rox
