The Hotel Mystery
A contest entry7 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
Well, you really kept me in suspense! I was wondering what was real? Was the hotel room really a hospital room? And is she hallucinating? You did a great job creating the feeling of mystery. I'm relieved that it ended with a happy ending!
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2021
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Well, you really kept me in suspense! I was wondering what was real? Was the hotel room really a hospital room? And is she hallucinating? You did a great job creating the feeling of mystery. I'm relieved that it ended with a happy ending!
Comment Written 24-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much Helen for reading, reviewing and your amazing comments. I am so glad it was suspenseful for you. Hugs.
Comment from BeasPeas
This is a very interesting story. Good suspense. You've woven the different aspects together nicely and I couldn't wait to find out what happened.
A couple of things to fix:
2nd paragraph: "She was clueless as to how she got there, or even where there (she) really was."
4th paragraph: "After relieving her distended bladder, she gazed into the mirror for several minutes with the hope she would recognize herself. This endeavor proved useless." (You have used the term "distended/full bladder" twice in close proximity. Suggest ending this sentence as: "After relieving herself..."
Best of luck in the contest.
Marilyn
reply by the author on 31-May-2019
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This is a very interesting story. Good suspense. You've woven the different aspects together nicely and I couldn't wait to find out what happened.
A couple of things to fix:
2nd paragraph: "She was clueless as to how she got there, or even where there (she) really was."
4th paragraph: "After relieving her distended bladder, she gazed into the mirror for several minutes with the hope she would recognize herself. This endeavor proved useless." (You have used the term "distended/full bladder" twice in close proximity. Suggest ending this sentence as: "After relieving herself..."
Best of luck in the contest.
Marilyn
Comment Written 30-May-2019
reply by the author on 31-May-2019
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Thank you so much for reviewing, I will definitely address the issues.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Many thanks for entering. The required plot points are all there and a good job at incorporating them. Some nice tension points too
Be careful with your adverb usage. they tend to clump together when they come which makes them stand out more. They can, if not careful, expose a weakness in verb choice.
were two pens and a small note pad.- notepad could be a single word here.
the 5th and 8th numbers were badly smuged. - smudged.
"Nope, the numbers were as dry as could be. Now, where was she? And even more pressing, how had she gotten here? What did the phone number mean, and who did it belong to. Well I could go through the possible ten number and call. Good God, that will take forever."- this isn't all dialogue but you have it all in one set of speech marks. (if it was she would be I and the grammar would need adjusted accordingly)
the phone was a land line with buttons. - landline could be a single word here.
It seemed like it had a couple of bananas, an apple and orange, two rolls of crackers and a vacuum pack of cheese. - the description is very precise for using seemed.
A flash back of memory fluttered across her mind.- flashback could be a single word here.
Pulling harder, proved useless. - no need for the comma here.
However, there was not mental picture of him and - perhaps no rather than not here.
"Yes Sir." She weakly answered. - she.
'Hey, I remembered him. But wait, she also remembered that here in the UK, he was considered a Sir.'- again you're mixing the first & third person here.
I think the transition from the dream to the real world was quite jarring and a had to re-read a few times. the dream thing I personally think is a bit of a cliché.
reply by the author on 26-May-2019
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Hi there,
Many thanks for entering. The required plot points are all there and a good job at incorporating them. Some nice tension points too
Be careful with your adverb usage. they tend to clump together when they come which makes them stand out more. They can, if not careful, expose a weakness in verb choice.
were two pens and a small note pad.- notepad could be a single word here.
the 5th and 8th numbers were badly smuged. - smudged.
"Nope, the numbers were as dry as could be. Now, where was she? And even more pressing, how had she gotten here? What did the phone number mean, and who did it belong to. Well I could go through the possible ten number and call. Good God, that will take forever."- this isn't all dialogue but you have it all in one set of speech marks. (if it was she would be I and the grammar would need adjusted accordingly)
the phone was a land line with buttons. - landline could be a single word here.
It seemed like it had a couple of bananas, an apple and orange, two rolls of crackers and a vacuum pack of cheese. - the description is very precise for using seemed.
A flash back of memory fluttered across her mind.- flashback could be a single word here.
Pulling harder, proved useless. - no need for the comma here.
However, there was not mental picture of him and - perhaps no rather than not here.
"Yes Sir." She weakly answered. - she.
'Hey, I remembered him. But wait, she also remembered that here in the UK, he was considered a Sir.'- again you're mixing the first & third person here.
I think the transition from the dream to the real world was quite jarring and a had to re-read a few times. the dream thing I personally think is a bit of a cliché.
Comment Written 26-May-2019
reply by the author on 26-May-2019
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Thank you so much for reviewing and your comments., I will definitely make the suggested corrections.
Comment from RodG
You have done a marvelous job of using the prescribed prompt inventively. Your character Sara seems very real and her first reactions upon "waking up" initially are believable (except for not seeing she was pregnant). I can believe a fall could bring all this dream-like state about. Loved how you worked all the required elements in. Rod
reply by the author on 26-May-2019
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You have done a marvelous job of using the prescribed prompt inventively. Your character Sara seems very real and her first reactions upon "waking up" initially are believable (except for not seeing she was pregnant). I can believe a fall could bring all this dream-like state about. Loved how you worked all the required elements in. Rod
Comment Written 26-May-2019
reply by the author on 26-May-2019
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Thank you for reviewing and your kind comments.
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
You did a very good job adhering to the directive for the story. It certainly had me confused halfway through but after hearing the narrative...well done. The toughest part of writing is sticking to your plan even when the plan takes a tangential turn. Nice job.
reply by the author on 26-May-2019
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You did a very good job adhering to the directive for the story. It certainly had me confused halfway through but after hearing the narrative...well done. The toughest part of writing is sticking to your plan even when the plan takes a tangential turn. Nice job.
Comment Written 25-May-2019
reply by the author on 26-May-2019
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Thank you for reviewing and your kind comments.
Comment from MsPetra
The one huge problem I had is mostly in the beginning. It is way too heavy with narration. You gave way too many details. That makes it move so much slower. I almost stopped reading.
That being said, after you got it rolling along , somewhere around the middle, it was smooth sailing.
What I am saying is that it was so heavy with details that I couldn't follow it.
Other than that it was a very nice read.
reply by the author on 26-May-2019
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The one huge problem I had is mostly in the beginning. It is way too heavy with narration. You gave way too many details. That makes it move so much slower. I almost stopped reading.
That being said, after you got it rolling along , somewhere around the middle, it was smooth sailing.
What I am saying is that it was so heavy with details that I couldn't follow it.
Other than that it was a very nice read.
Comment Written 25-May-2019
reply by the author on 26-May-2019
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Thank you for reviewing and your observations and comments.
Comment from Sarah Aldrich
It was an interesting premise but it was a little anti climatic. I would have liked to see just a bit more proof reading as there were one or two little mistakes or missed words. It felt like a really good first draft and the beginning of or a piece of a bigger more complex story.
reply by the author on 26-May-2019
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It was an interesting premise but it was a little anti climatic. I would have liked to see just a bit more proof reading as there were one or two little mistakes or missed words. It felt like a really good first draft and the beginning of or a piece of a bigger more complex story.
Comment Written 25-May-2019
reply by the author on 26-May-2019
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Thank you for reviewing and your observations and comments.
