Fortune Cookies
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Nightmare"A Romantic, Superhero-like, Geek Horror story.
13 total reviews
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Cybertron1986
you certanley know how to make one feel fear. I usually get frighten and tense when I read about night mares, like yours did
will be waiting for you next chapter.
Gert
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2019
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Hello Cybertron1986
you certanley know how to make one feel fear. I usually get frighten and tense when I read about night mares, like yours did
will be waiting for you next chapter.
Gert
Comment Written 17-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2019
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Gert, thank you for this six star review! I wrote it to the degree that brings somewhat a sense of realism to the reader. Thank you for taking the time to review and the encouraging words. I value this lovely gesture with a big heart. Thank you again and God Bless!
-Euell
Comment from shaffer40
Fascinating story, although this is my first chapter. Your book has a fascinating title.
I did some editing I hope you can use. I notice a prolific use of semicolons, which are to separate two complete sentences, so I indicated where they should be commas.
*****************************************
The silence gives way to the rusted hinges as El's partial consciousness
makes out a familiar, but unwanted recognition of a pale foot.
Need comma after "unwanted"
Again, the foot drags slowly; touching, just barely, the carpet that
saturates from the water dripping at the seams of its dirty white
dress that ends above a pair of deathly white ankles. With morbid
grace, this uninvited guest completely reveals itself from behind the
rusty door in a surreal hover; each long, pointed toenail grazing the
bumpy carpet as if without concern, or soul.
Suggest no semicolons, only commas, after "slowly" and "hover" -- no
comma after "concern".
time and tangibility had been replaced
Tense: time and tangibility have been replaced
It pauses either to be noticed, or to issue a silent warning to El, whose
conscious has partially returned to a faint wake disturbed only by
the noticeable chill of mist that he exhales from his deep breaths.
Suggest no comma after "noticed". -- "consciousness" rather than
"conscious"
stopping as each of its sharp toenails point toward the bedside, where El
is now panicking.
Suggest: each of their sharp toenails
He is able to turn his neck to get a better view of his guest; his efforts
angering the stranger.
Comma rather than semicolon
El continues struggling to take sight of what he believes is a dream as
the moment steadily materializes into a convincing, undeniable truth
he refuses to accept.
Comma after "dream"
The feet come in and out of sight with each of his struggling glance,
floating closer with each passing beat of his rising pulse which equals
the intensity of the drumbeat in a song by New Order: "Bizarre Love
Triangle" (The Extended Dance Mix Version).
Suggest: glances [plural] -- comma after "pulse"
El turns one last time, and discovers the feet have vanished.
No comma.
The vacant spot where the feet once hovered convinces him the last few
minutes were just another bad dream. Yet, his state of continuous
paralysis implies the event is real, and unfinished.
Suggest: convinces him that the last few minutes
No comma after "real."
Suggest dash for emphasis. the event is real--and unfinished.
The features of her face are hidden underneath thick black hair that
seem to mock the dawn's light.
"s" on seem -- seems to mock the dawn's light.
fueled by curiosity, rather than fear. -- no comma
Oblivious to the potential danger, El smiles towards his silent visitor,
never understanding he has been displaced into a place not of his
world.
Suggest not use "place" so close together.
Maybe: he has been relegated to a place not of his world.
one evil; the other naive. -- comma rather than semicolon
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2019
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Fascinating story, although this is my first chapter. Your book has a fascinating title.
I did some editing I hope you can use. I notice a prolific use of semicolons, which are to separate two complete sentences, so I indicated where they should be commas.
*****************************************
The silence gives way to the rusted hinges as El's partial consciousness
makes out a familiar, but unwanted recognition of a pale foot.
Need comma after "unwanted"
Again, the foot drags slowly; touching, just barely, the carpet that
saturates from the water dripping at the seams of its dirty white
dress that ends above a pair of deathly white ankles. With morbid
grace, this uninvited guest completely reveals itself from behind the
rusty door in a surreal hover; each long, pointed toenail grazing the
bumpy carpet as if without concern, or soul.
Suggest no semicolons, only commas, after "slowly" and "hover" -- no
comma after "concern".
time and tangibility had been replaced
Tense: time and tangibility have been replaced
It pauses either to be noticed, or to issue a silent warning to El, whose
conscious has partially returned to a faint wake disturbed only by
the noticeable chill of mist that he exhales from his deep breaths.
Suggest no comma after "noticed". -- "consciousness" rather than
"conscious"
stopping as each of its sharp toenails point toward the bedside, where El
is now panicking.
Suggest: each of their sharp toenails
He is able to turn his neck to get a better view of his guest; his efforts
angering the stranger.
Comma rather than semicolon
El continues struggling to take sight of what he believes is a dream as
the moment steadily materializes into a convincing, undeniable truth
he refuses to accept.
Comma after "dream"
The feet come in and out of sight with each of his struggling glance,
floating closer with each passing beat of his rising pulse which equals
the intensity of the drumbeat in a song by New Order: "Bizarre Love
Triangle" (The Extended Dance Mix Version).
Suggest: glances [plural] -- comma after "pulse"
El turns one last time, and discovers the feet have vanished.
No comma.
The vacant spot where the feet once hovered convinces him the last few
minutes were just another bad dream. Yet, his state of continuous
paralysis implies the event is real, and unfinished.
Suggest: convinces him that the last few minutes
No comma after "real."
Suggest dash for emphasis. the event is real--and unfinished.
The features of her face are hidden underneath thick black hair that
seem to mock the dawn's light.
"s" on seem -- seems to mock the dawn's light.
fueled by curiosity, rather than fear. -- no comma
Oblivious to the potential danger, El smiles towards his silent visitor,
never understanding he has been displaced into a place not of his
world.
Suggest not use "place" so close together.
Maybe: he has been relegated to a place not of his world.
one evil; the other naive. -- comma rather than semicolon
Comment Written 11-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2019
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Well noted. Thank you for taking a great effort and time to review and provide grammatical assistance. My ability to provide adequate grammar has always been my Achilles heel.
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You're welcome, for sure.
Comment from Tpa
Although, I have not read previous chapters and therefore dubious of your present chapter. But, reading from the standpoint of your tone of writing, I thought your writing was very vivid in putting this reader into a macabre frenzy of entertainment. I shall look into your past chapters.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2019
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Although, I have not read previous chapters and therefore dubious of your present chapter. But, reading from the standpoint of your tone of writing, I thought your writing was very vivid in putting this reader into a macabre frenzy of entertainment. I shall look into your past chapters.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2019
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Thank you for an uplifting and motivating review! Feel free to browse my profile, where the remainder of the book can be found. This is an ongoing project. Hope to receive more insight of your reaction to the story. Thank you again!
Regards,
Euell
Comment from Gail Denham
This is a creepy intrusion into the boy's room. Altho I have not read the other chapters, I do have a couple comments. This could be a really scary scene, but for my taste, there are a few too many words that stop the action. The boy can slowly awake, yes, but then the action might get more heightened, quicker, scarier.
Just my opinion.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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This is a creepy intrusion into the boy's room. Altho I have not read the other chapters, I do have a couple comments. This could be a really scary scene, but for my taste, there are a few too many words that stop the action. The boy can slowly awake, yes, but then the action might get more heightened, quicker, scarier.
Just my opinion.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2019
Comment from Iza Deleanu
I like how you chose to end this chapter :"The gesture connects a bridge of emotion between the awkward pair, one evil; the other naive. And, in that moment, time stops long enough for El to witness the parting of her hair that opens wide enough to reveal one of two eyes.
As their gaze connects, she feels...
salvation." Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writing.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2019
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I like how you chose to end this chapter :"The gesture connects a bridge of emotion between the awkward pair, one evil; the other naive. And, in that moment, time stops long enough for El to witness the parting of her hair that opens wide enough to reveal one of two eyes.
As their gaze connects, she feels...
salvation." Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writing.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2019
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Thank you for an encouraging review.
Regards,
Euell
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This is well penned and hold the reader's attention admirably from beginning to end. I always look for something that encapsulates the overall tone of a piece and the emotion it evokes, some have it and some don't. In this piece, for me it was:
"The moment feels as if the familiarity of time and tangibility had been replaced by a realm governed not by the laws of physics, but by the forces of a dark, unseen power." Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2019
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This is well penned and hold the reader's attention admirably from beginning to end. I always look for something that encapsulates the overall tone of a piece and the emotion it evokes, some have it and some don't. In this piece, for me it was:
"The moment feels as if the familiarity of time and tangibility had been replaced by a realm governed not by the laws of physics, but by the forces of a dark, unseen power." Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2019
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Thank you! Your uplifting and encouraging review is tightly embraced and much appreciated!
Regards,
Euell
Comment from giraffmang
this continues to fascinate me. it has an odd tone and word choices aren't obvious but it all ads to the piece and works well.
end in the all boy's floor of Mary Park Hall- in this instance it would be boys' as it's referring to more than one boy.
be careful with adverb usage, particularly clumping them together.
Both feet begin turning counterclockwise in a complete, awkward circle that implies some disturbing sign of disagreement with the world's normalcy- liked this line a lot. eerie.
And, without effort, the feet complete its twist,- maybe their twist rather than its.
a convincing, undeniable truth he refuses to accept.- that's quite a juxtaposition.
one evil the other naive.- maybe some punctuation in here after evil. dash, comma or semi-colon perhaps.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2019
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this continues to fascinate me. it has an odd tone and word choices aren't obvious but it all ads to the piece and works well.
end in the all boy's floor of Mary Park Hall- in this instance it would be boys' as it's referring to more than one boy.
be careful with adverb usage, particularly clumping them together.
Both feet begin turning counterclockwise in a complete, awkward circle that implies some disturbing sign of disagreement with the world's normalcy- liked this line a lot. eerie.
And, without effort, the feet complete its twist,- maybe their twist rather than its.
a convincing, undeniable truth he refuses to accept.- that's quite a juxtaposition.
one evil the other naive.- maybe some punctuation in here after evil. dash, comma or semi-colon perhaps.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2019
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Thank you, Giraffmang! It was nice to hear your review again. Always a welcomed and embraced feedback and advise. Thank you, again!
Euell
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
When gesture is the matter, nightmare goes beyond the vision or imagination, only feeling entangles with the imagination; fantastic taletelling with summative plot development of mysterious hiding of shadow revelation; well said, well done.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2019
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When gesture is the matter, nightmare goes beyond the vision or imagination, only feeling entangles with the imagination; fantastic taletelling with summative plot development of mysterious hiding of shadow revelation; well said, well done.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2019
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Thank you!
Comment from blondee
Wow! The descriptions put me right there in the story! I really like this idea, and I want to read the other parts to this story! Well done. The only thing I thought sounded out of place is in the first paragraph when you say "to add to the mystery" Other than that, fantastic piece!
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2019
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Wow! The descriptions put me right there in the story! I really like this idea, and I want to read the other parts to this story! Well done. The only thing I thought sounded out of place is in the first paragraph when you say "to add to the mystery" Other than that, fantastic piece!
Comment Written 08-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2019
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Thank you! There may be other chapters that may equally intrigue you from this book. Hope to hear more of your comments and thoughts. Thank you again!
Regards,
Euell
Comment from Micah Sincere
Wow this was pretty amazing captured and held my attention the entire time. Now I'm off to read the other chapters before this one thanks for sharing looking forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2019
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Wow this was pretty amazing captured and held my attention the entire time. Now I'm off to read the other chapters before this one thanks for sharing looking forward to reading more.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2019
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Thank you! Unexpected reviews are my favorite. This genuinely made my day. Thank you again!
