St Louis
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "St. Louis Chapter 5 part 3"Can McKenzie solve Megan Nelson?s murder?
18 total reviews
Comment from tfawcus
Love the dialogue in this chapter. You have brought these two to a closer understanding in a sensitive and believable way. Very good writing. Six all the way.
Only one small suggestion here:
Follow him, but not close enough that he knows (he's being followed)." [redundant words]
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2019
  |
Love the dialogue in this chapter. You have brought these two to a closer understanding in a sensitive and believable way. Very good writing. Six all the way.
Only one small suggestion here:
Follow him, but not close enough that he knows (he's being followed)." [redundant words]
Comment Written 04-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2019
-
I will see if I can reword it. You're correct. Thank you.
Comment from sandragee
Mac has many questions about who wants to harm her and why. Logan doesn't have the answers to any of those questions for her, but he lets her know he has her back. She answers, "I know." Her two-word response represents a major change in their relationship.
This chapter gives us more insight into your characters, especially Mac. The self-sufficient, sometimes sassy woman is scared. We see a side to her not seen before. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 25-May-2019
 |
Mac has many questions about who wants to harm her and why. Logan doesn't have the answers to any of those questions for her, but he lets her know he has her back. She answers, "I know." Her two-word response represents a major change in their relationship.
This chapter gives us more insight into your characters, especially Mac. The self-sufficient, sometimes sassy woman is scared. We see a side to her not seen before. Nicely done.
Comment Written 23-May-2019
reply by the author on 25-May-2019
-
Thank you. That's the side I wanted to come out. I am sure we will see sassy pants off and on. LOL
Comment from Dawn Munro
Ahhhhhhh, romance blossoms... It's about time Mac got her head out of the sand. I mean she didn't really because she let Logan stick around, but she sure did give him a runaround.
reply by the author on 25-May-2019
|
Ahhhhhhh, romance blossoms... It's about time Mac got her head out of the sand. I mean she didn't really because she let Logan stick around, but she sure did give him a runaround.
Comment Written 22-May-2019
reply by the author on 25-May-2019
-
She will continue to give him a run around. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
-
Very much my pleasure, Barbara. Looking forward to the next chapter. :))
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
That's a surprise. I didn't expect her to cry. I thought she was tougher than that. So she really is scared. She's been acting braver than she is.
Since Logan is an active soldier, how does he have the time to spend with Max?
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
|
That's a surprise. I didn't expect her to cry. I thought she was tougher than that. So she really is scared. She's been acting braver than she is.
Since Logan is an active soldier, how does he have the time to spend with Max?
Comment Written 21-May-2019
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
-
The soldiers automatically get 30 days leave a year, plus it can build. On top of that if they've been deployed they get additional leave. His sister was murdered so he would get leave for that. He's got plenty. He will get emergency called back before it's over. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from SLMorrical
An excellent chapter to the story. I like that Logan went on the stakeout with Mac. I also think it was funny that he picked up snacks so she wouldn't be grumpier. Logan definitely is smitten with Mac and joking with her is a way to show it. I understand her response on the crying thing. Some women feel if they cry it shows weakness. I like that there is a mystery inside a mystery. Not knowing who or why she was drugged is something she will try to find out along with looking into Logan's sister's death. I like the bond that is occurring between those two. Well done. I like your writing it grabs me and keeps me.
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
|
An excellent chapter to the story. I like that Logan went on the stakeout with Mac. I also think it was funny that he picked up snacks so she wouldn't be grumpier. Logan definitely is smitten with Mac and joking with her is a way to show it. I understand her response on the crying thing. Some women feel if they cry it shows weakness. I like that there is a mystery inside a mystery. Not knowing who or why she was drugged is something she will try to find out along with looking into Logan's sister's death. I like the bond that is occurring between those two. Well done. I like your writing it grabs me and keeps me.
Comment Written 20-May-2019
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from light
Mac has every right to be scared. When you put yourself in the middle of a situation like this, you might be in danger. She is blessed to have Logan there at her side. This is an especially well written chapter.
Elaine
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
|
Mac has every right to be scared. When you put yourself in the middle of a situation like this, you might be in danger. She is blessed to have Logan there at her side. This is an especially well written chapter.
Elaine
Comment Written 20-May-2019
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from susand3022
Hi Barbara, I make tons of last-minute changes!!! Then again, I'm making tons of changes period... I originally wrote my story years ago so heavy revisions are needed throughout! If someone had drugged me, I'd be totally freaked out, especially if I was in her line of work! :)
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
|
Hi Barbara, I make tons of last-minute changes!!! Then again, I'm making tons of changes period... I originally wrote my story years ago so heavy revisions are needed throughout! If someone had drugged me, I'd be totally freaked out, especially if I was in her line of work! :)
Comment Written 20-May-2019
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from robyn corum
Barbara,
Nice chapter. I like the fact that she's finally opening up. That's a great sign in this character and makes her much more likable.
I paused at the mention of finding her address in the phone book - who does that anymore? If she works from home - her business, I mean -- it would be more likely they looked it up online.
Thanks!
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
|
Barbara,
Nice chapter. I like the fact that she's finally opening up. That's a great sign in this character and makes her much more likable.
I paused at the mention of finding her address in the phone book - who does that anymore? If she works from home - her business, I mean -- it would be more likely they looked it up online.
Thanks!
Comment Written 20-May-2019
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Alex Rosel
This was a pleasant read. The prose flows, and you've added some good characterization.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
"Nobody would ever notice a purple Dodge Super Bee with a Hemi. There are plenty of them on the road." -- I like using dialogue to supplement characterization. A big THUMBS UP. :)
McKenzie paused and then continued, "I..." -- A lot of writers do this :( The correct punctuation for an interruption is an em dash, not an ellipsis.
After a long silence and eating Fritos, -- the eating Fritos is repeating information. On its own there's little wrong with it, but if you do this often it will detract from the pace of the narrative.
She gulped loudly. "I know." I like this ending to the piece. However, personally, I'd nix loudly. Adverbs and adjectives rarely add much to a narrative. Gulped is comprehensive enough; it's a strong verb.
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
|
This was a pleasant read. The prose flows, and you've added some good characterization.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
"Nobody would ever notice a purple Dodge Super Bee with a Hemi. There are plenty of them on the road." -- I like using dialogue to supplement characterization. A big THUMBS UP. :)
McKenzie paused and then continued, "I..." -- A lot of writers do this :( The correct punctuation for an interruption is an em dash, not an ellipsis.
After a long silence and eating Fritos, -- the eating Fritos is repeating information. On its own there's little wrong with it, but if you do this often it will detract from the pace of the narrative.
She gulped loudly. "I know." I like this ending to the piece. However, personally, I'd nix loudly. Adverbs and adjectives rarely add much to a narrative. Gulped is comprehensive enough; it's a strong verb.
Comment Written 20-May-2019
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
-
Thank you for the kind review. I will take a look at the areas you mentioned.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I'd be scared too, if that had happened to me. Heck, who wants to be targeted for something you don't know why? At least they now talk to each other and Mac has told him in many ways that she trusts him. Now to find out why Logan's sister was murdered. It's a big mystery. Well done, Barbara. :)) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
|
I'd be scared too, if that had happened to me. Heck, who wants to be targeted for something you don't know why? At least they now talk to each other and Mac has told him in many ways that she trusts him. Now to find out why Logan's sister was murdered. It's a big mystery. Well done, Barbara. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 20-May-2019
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
-
Thank you for the kind review.
