Debt Collector
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Under Suspicion"Unpaid loans can be deadly.
8 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Hi Misty, that was a good chapter but it also ended on a worrying not. The police are really on his scent now aren't they? It's very worrying. One part of me tells me that what's he's doing is all wrong, but another part of me is one of sympathy. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 10-May-2019
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Hi Misty, that was a good chapter but it also ended on a worrying not. The police are really on his scent now aren't they? It's very worrying. One part of me tells me that what's he's doing is all wrong, but another part of me is one of sympathy. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 10-May-2019
reply by the author on 10-May-2019
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Thank you for your lovely review, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Jeff is breaking the law for a good cause. So I can see how you'd be torn.
Thank you again for our kind review all your help and support. It's always greatly appreciated, take care.
Comment from Sugarray77
Good story, Misty. This is my first time to read "Under Suspicion". I thought your character development was fine and each one added to the entire story. You do have a lot of folks to keep up with at this point of your tale. Well done.
Melissa
reply by the author on 08-May-2019
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Good story, Misty. This is my first time to read "Under Suspicion". I thought your character development was fine and each one added to the entire story. You do have a lot of folks to keep up with at this point of your tale. Well done.
Melissa
Comment Written 08-May-2019
reply by the author on 08-May-2019
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Thank you for your lovely review I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for your words of encouragement they are always appreciated, take care.
Comment from 24chas
Oh, boy, Jeff may be in for it now. It seems the noose is starting to tighten and he has nowhere to go unless he confesses to the police and tries to get protection. Good job.
They've withdrawn twenty-five hundred dollars each month for three consecutive months. (put opening quote mark in)
"I'll show you too early, Little One. He picks her up and kisses her entire face. (need closing quote mark after One)
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
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Oh, boy, Jeff may be in for it now. It seems the noose is starting to tighten and he has nowhere to go unless he confesses to the police and tries to get protection. Good job.
They've withdrawn twenty-five hundred dollars each month for three consecutive months. (put opening quote mark in)
"I'll show you too early, Little One. He picks her up and kisses her entire face. (need closing quote mark after One)
Comment Written 06-May-2019
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
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Thank you so much for your great review, I'm glad you enjoyed it. He could confess. If he does, he better hope and pray Luigi and his crew won't find him and the police is willing to protect his mother. Luigi has already visited with his mom once, told Jeff as much.
Thank you again for your great review and for catching my mistakes, it's always greatly appreciated, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Uh, oh. If the police arrest Jeff, what will his tormentors do? Will they blame him for being careless and getting caught? This is turning into a real mess. Jeff can't risk telling the cops why he is committing crimes, so what will he say?
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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Uh, oh. If the police arrest Jeff, what will his tormentors do? Will they blame him for being careless and getting caught? This is turning into a real mess. Jeff can't risk telling the cops why he is committing crimes, so what will he say?
Comment Written 06-May-2019
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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Thank you for your great review. It is a mess. They're going to go after Julie and the girls if Jeff gets arrested. So, hopefully, he'll figure something out before the cops get there.
Thank you again for your great review, all your help, support and friendship, it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from F. Wehr3
I enjoyed this part of the story, Misty. I haven't read any parts before, so it's a little difficult to give out any plot or character advice. I made a couple of notes for your consideration.
"He's not coming in today, he's at home with his sick daughter.--I'd call this a comma splice. Suggest two sentences.
"Copy that, Sergeant." Springing from her chair, Rachel heads towards the door.
"See you, Captain," she says as she rushes past him.--This is Rachel speaking in both sentences, right? They need to be in the same paragraph. There are many occasions, especially when you have more than two characters present, when you need some form of action or speech tag to identify the speaker. The Captain appears out of nowhere.
Pulling her notebook from her pocket she continues.--Suggest a comma after pocket.
Tell me about the twenty-four hundred dollar withdrawals each month?"--twenty-five hundred, wasn't it?
Scooping the scrubber up she sops up the mess.--suggest a comma after up.
"Please hurry," he looks out the window again.--This I'm seeing more of and I'm not sure why.I hasten to say it's wrong. However my recommendation is that this is not a speech tag, and place a period after hurry and capitalize He.
Overall,I enjoyed the piece and would be interested in reading more.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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I enjoyed this part of the story, Misty. I haven't read any parts before, so it's a little difficult to give out any plot or character advice. I made a couple of notes for your consideration.
"He's not coming in today, he's at home with his sick daughter.--I'd call this a comma splice. Suggest two sentences.
"Copy that, Sergeant." Springing from her chair, Rachel heads towards the door.
"See you, Captain," she says as she rushes past him.--This is Rachel speaking in both sentences, right? They need to be in the same paragraph. There are many occasions, especially when you have more than two characters present, when you need some form of action or speech tag to identify the speaker. The Captain appears out of nowhere.
Pulling her notebook from her pocket she continues.--Suggest a comma after pocket.
Tell me about the twenty-four hundred dollar withdrawals each month?"--twenty-five hundred, wasn't it?
Scooping the scrubber up she sops up the mess.--suggest a comma after up.
"Please hurry," he looks out the window again.--This I'm seeing more of and I'm not sure why.I hasten to say it's wrong. However my recommendation is that this is not a speech tag, and place a period after hurry and capitalize He.
Overall,I enjoyed the piece and would be interested in reading more.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 06-May-2019
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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Thank you for your very helpful review. Your help is always greatly appreciated. I think I fixed all the mistakes and made who's speaking a little clearer. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter, knowing that means a lot to me.
Thank you again for all your help, it's how I learn, grow as a writer, take care.
Comment from Bill Pinder
Good job with this chapter in your book. The story was interesting, and the pace keeps the reader interested. I like the contrast between the normal family routine and the issue coming up with the police investigation.
Bill
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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Good job with this chapter in your book. The story was interesting, and the pace keeps the reader interested. I like the contrast between the normal family routine and the issue coming up with the police investigation.
Bill
Comment Written 06-May-2019
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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Thank you for reading the chapter, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Liked the variety of the different scenes.
Thank you again for all your support, it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from robyn corum
MD, (4)
A nice, tense chapter. Sound like there's a lot going on beneath the surface here. I haven't been on-site a lot lately so I guess I've missed a bunch. But it sounds like you've got a little mystery going on. Nice job.
I did see a few things that need a bit more attention, if you don't mind me pointing them out?
1.) One thing I noticed is a tendency to use lower case in situations when you should be capitalizing. In any setting when you refer to someone DIRECTLY, using their title, please capitalize - as in the following situations:
--> "Me too, (C)aptain, me too."
--> Rebecca tearfully glances up. "Sorry, (D)addy."
--> "Yes, (M)ommy."
--> "How can I help you, (O)fficer?"
2.) The child squeals in delight. (")I'll show you too early, (L)ittle (O)ne.(") He picks her up and kisses her entire face.
3.) He runs over, stopping just inches from the mass of undigested food.
--> if you are saying that she has vomited, you need to make that more clear
4.) "I can stay with her if you want(,)" Jeff offers.
5.) "You('re) next(,) Abigail." He turns towards her.
6.) "Can I help you?" (t)he receptionist asks as the officer steps up to her desk.
7.) when I spoke to him; like you (were) afraid he'd say too much."
8.) She tosses the rag into the bucket again.
--> first of all, you said it was a sponge and secondly, you never said it popped out when she threw it in, only that water splashed out.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you edit! Thanks! Sounds like a highly intriguing story-line.
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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MD, (4)
A nice, tense chapter. Sound like there's a lot going on beneath the surface here. I haven't been on-site a lot lately so I guess I've missed a bunch. But it sounds like you've got a little mystery going on. Nice job.
I did see a few things that need a bit more attention, if you don't mind me pointing them out?
1.) One thing I noticed is a tendency to use lower case in situations when you should be capitalizing. In any setting when you refer to someone DIRECTLY, using their title, please capitalize - as in the following situations:
--> "Me too, (C)aptain, me too."
--> Rebecca tearfully glances up. "Sorry, (D)addy."
--> "Yes, (M)ommy."
--> "How can I help you, (O)fficer?"
2.) The child squeals in delight. (")I'll show you too early, (L)ittle (O)ne.(") He picks her up and kisses her entire face.
3.) He runs over, stopping just inches from the mass of undigested food.
--> if you are saying that she has vomited, you need to make that more clear
4.) "I can stay with her if you want(,)" Jeff offers.
5.) "You('re) next(,) Abigail." He turns towards her.
6.) "Can I help you?" (t)he receptionist asks as the officer steps up to her desk.
7.) when I spoke to him; like you (were) afraid he'd say too much."
8.) She tosses the rag into the bucket again.
--> first of all, you said it was a sponge and secondly, you never said it popped out when she threw it in, only that water splashed out.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you edit! Thanks! Sounds like a highly intriguing story-line.
Comment Written 06-May-2019
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind, helpful review. I appreciate the time you took to help me make it better. I think I've fixed them all. Poor Jeff is going through he** to save his family. His nervous bladder and stomach, doesn't help.
Thank you again for your review, it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from royowen
So now Joe has cottoned on to the fact that Jeff has been both an arsonist and a thief, I think he'll be a mystery and a contradiction to the policemen, because he's a family man without a record, Luigi will get back to him, well done, great episode, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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So now Joe has cottoned on to the fact that Jeff has been both an arsonist and a thief, I think he'll be a mystery and a contradiction to the policemen, because he's a family man without a record, Luigi will get back to him, well done, great episode, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 06-May-2019
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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Thank you for reading my chapter. You're right if Jeff goes down Luigi will go after his family. Unless they can get away.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship, take care.
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Most welcome
