A Light in the Darkness
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Assignment"Young rookie detective is assigned a serial case
13 total reviews
Comment from Darlene BoClair
Hello Roxanne, I love a great mystery and crime novel. I recognized you have written more chapters, yet I want to start from chapter 1. I want to know the details before the crimes are solved. This is my Summer 2019 reading challenge. I love that you are writing about women, in crime and police work. The description of Sarah, the city and her relationship with the men is phenomenal. Nothing needs work. Just curious how many chapters will you write?
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
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Hello Roxanne, I love a great mystery and crime novel. I recognized you have written more chapters, yet I want to start from chapter 1. I want to know the details before the crimes are solved. This is my Summer 2019 reading challenge. I love that you are writing about women, in crime and police work. The description of Sarah, the city and her relationship with the men is phenomenal. Nothing needs work. Just curious how many chapters will you write?
Comment Written 28-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
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Thank you so much! I'm not sure how many more chapters I'll write. I'm thinking not more then 6 or 7 more. They are short. I don't like to have a story drag out too long. =} It gets tiresome after a while for everyone. =} Thank you again. Rox
Comment from kahpot
Excellent, I just came across chapters 5,6&7 ( I think) and knew I had to find the beginning, and I am glad I did, a wonderful read, " I think the start of the third paragraph" "Sarah was tall and thin, with blonde and her eyes blue" is the word ( hair ) missing? I will start to read the rest of this story, very well done****kahpot
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2019
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Excellent, I just came across chapters 5,6&7 ( I think) and knew I had to find the beginning, and I am glad I did, a wonderful read, " I think the start of the third paragraph" "Sarah was tall and thin, with blonde and her eyes blue" is the word ( hair ) missing? I will start to read the rest of this story, very well done****kahpot
Comment Written 05-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2019
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Yes, (hair) was missing, thanks for seeing that. Thanks for the great review. Rox
Comment from Mistydawn
So I decided to go back to the beginning, catch up to where I started, see if I can figure out who did it. The chapter is very well-written. Your description of your main character is perfect, really brought her to light. The hook at the end makes me glad I went back, makes me want to read more.
reply by the author on 29-May-2019
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So I decided to go back to the beginning, catch up to where I started, see if I can figure out who did it. The chapter is very well-written. Your description of your main character is perfect, really brought her to light. The hook at the end makes me glad I went back, makes me want to read more.
Comment Written 28-May-2019
reply by the author on 29-May-2019
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Thank you dear. =]
Comment from JudyE
I've picked up a few points here but it sounds a very interesting story.
In the second paragraph you have three sentences starting with 'She'. The third of these, you could perhaps say 'in eight years, she had helped solve....'
Sarah was tall and thin, her hair was blonde and her eyes blue, but could look turquoise depending on the color she wore. - Maybe 'Sarah was tall and thin, with blonde hair and blue eyes that could look turquoise depending on the color she wore.' But that's just a personal choice really.
It was an all male detective squad, Sarah was the only woman, and an attractive female could cause big problems and distractions no one needed. - period after 'squad'
Suspects would leave so much evidence at the scene, they were easily apprehended, few were proficient at their craft. - period after 'apprehended'
They were all presumed dead as they had been missing for two to six years. Lauren Taylor's and Carla Matthew's being the oldest. - comma after 'years'
This caused the less in-shape, not so attractive detectives, to give him the nickname, A-Don-us, but it was never said to his face. - hyphenate 'not so attractive'
He walked over to her desk and started picking up the photos and put them in a green file folder. - comma after photos, delete 'and' so 'picking up the photos, putting them....'
She'd been there since six A.M. and though bone weary, knew she wouldn't relax or sleep if she went home. - I think it should be lower-case for 'A.M.' and hyphenate 'bone weary'
I do too, but you gotta have a life outside of this," his hand motion encompassed the room. "Or you'll go crazy." - replace period with a comma.
You don't have upkeep on a car, no paying for gas or insurance, it was probably cheaper in the long run. - Maybe 'you wouldn't have upkeep.... Period after 'insurance'
Dozing in the recliner, Sarah woke to a noise. Her heart froze. Grabbing her gun from her purse, Sarah listened, trying to determine where the sound was coming from. It was her bedroom window. Standing at the door, a gun in her outstretched hands, she watched, her heart now pounding and hands shaking. - Maybe put something in here to show she moved to the bedroom door.
Her heart skidded to a halt, the gun was empty. - period after 'halt'
Oh, no, please ,no. - spacing issue here after 'please'
Was I about to become a statistic like the cases of the missing women I'm trying to solve? - Maybe 'Was I about to become another statistic like the cases I'm trying to solve?
The man forced her down the two steps on the porch, down the red brick path to the street. - maybe 'two porch steps then down...'
Cheers. Judy
reply by the author on 28-May-2019
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I've picked up a few points here but it sounds a very interesting story.
In the second paragraph you have three sentences starting with 'She'. The third of these, you could perhaps say 'in eight years, she had helped solve....'
Sarah was tall and thin, her hair was blonde and her eyes blue, but could look turquoise depending on the color she wore. - Maybe 'Sarah was tall and thin, with blonde hair and blue eyes that could look turquoise depending on the color she wore.' But that's just a personal choice really.
It was an all male detective squad, Sarah was the only woman, and an attractive female could cause big problems and distractions no one needed. - period after 'squad'
Suspects would leave so much evidence at the scene, they were easily apprehended, few were proficient at their craft. - period after 'apprehended'
They were all presumed dead as they had been missing for two to six years. Lauren Taylor's and Carla Matthew's being the oldest. - comma after 'years'
This caused the less in-shape, not so attractive detectives, to give him the nickname, A-Don-us, but it was never said to his face. - hyphenate 'not so attractive'
He walked over to her desk and started picking up the photos and put them in a green file folder. - comma after photos, delete 'and' so 'picking up the photos, putting them....'
She'd been there since six A.M. and though bone weary, knew she wouldn't relax or sleep if she went home. - I think it should be lower-case for 'A.M.' and hyphenate 'bone weary'
I do too, but you gotta have a life outside of this," his hand motion encompassed the room. "Or you'll go crazy." - replace period with a comma.
You don't have upkeep on a car, no paying for gas or insurance, it was probably cheaper in the long run. - Maybe 'you wouldn't have upkeep.... Period after 'insurance'
Dozing in the recliner, Sarah woke to a noise. Her heart froze. Grabbing her gun from her purse, Sarah listened, trying to determine where the sound was coming from. It was her bedroom window. Standing at the door, a gun in her outstretched hands, she watched, her heart now pounding and hands shaking. - Maybe put something in here to show she moved to the bedroom door.
Her heart skidded to a halt, the gun was empty. - period after 'halt'
Oh, no, please ,no. - spacing issue here after 'please'
Was I about to become a statistic like the cases of the missing women I'm trying to solve? - Maybe 'Was I about to become another statistic like the cases I'm trying to solve?
The man forced her down the two steps on the porch, down the red brick path to the street. - maybe 'two porch steps then down...'
Cheers. Judy
Comment Written 27-May-2019
reply by the author on 28-May-2019
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Thank you so much for the helps and your time. =} Haven't seen you for a while, glad you are back. Rox
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We're on holiday with our son in Ireland so I haven't been able to be on as much as usual. We have another 3-4 weeks away but I'll be here when I can. Cheers. Judy
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Have a great time!
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Thanks. :)
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Hi Roxanna,
Wow! Straight into the mystery, intrigue, drama and fear.
This young woman has quite a journey ahead I'm sure.
I like the way you have tied this story into your previous chapters as a follow up series.
Blessings
Shirley
reply by the author on 17-May-2019
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Hi Roxanna,
Wow! Straight into the mystery, intrigue, drama and fear.
This young woman has quite a journey ahead I'm sure.
I like the way you have tied this story into your previous chapters as a follow up series.
Blessings
Shirley
Comment Written 17-May-2019
reply by the author on 17-May-2019
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Thank you so much Shirley, especially since you didn't get any funny money for it. =} Rox
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Some very good descriptions contained in this and a very readable tone throughout. the tension also comes across well.
A few bits & pieces I noted down as I read through-
her hair was blond and her eyes blue, - generally speaking blonde for female, blond for male.
that she usually solved quickly. - be careful with your adverbs and try and not use them close together as it draws attention to them.
less in shape, - I would suggest hyphenating this.
Dosing in the recliner, Rachel woke to a noise - Dozing? (I believe dosing is a medical term)
Grabbing her gun from her purse, Rachel listened, - where was her purse? There's no mention of it earlier. She only put the mail & keys on the table.
a leg come through the open window,- came rather than come here.
Her heart skidded to a halt, she had forgotten to load it.- this is very lapse for a Detective.
Rachel backed away, they turned to run, legs feeling like lead. - then rather than they.
Oh, no, please ,no. Was she about to become a statistic like the cases of the missing women she was trying to solve? Would a detective study her picture and read the notes on her case, trying to find out if she was dead or alive, would her family have to live with the uncertainty and grief that so many families of the missing lived with?- this section doesn't really work. the first sentence is direct thought but the rest of it isn't. if it was it wouldn't utilise her/she, it would be me and my.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 14-May-2019
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Hi there,
Some very good descriptions contained in this and a very readable tone throughout. the tension also comes across well.
A few bits & pieces I noted down as I read through-
her hair was blond and her eyes blue, - generally speaking blonde for female, blond for male.
that she usually solved quickly. - be careful with your adverbs and try and not use them close together as it draws attention to them.
less in shape, - I would suggest hyphenating this.
Dosing in the recliner, Rachel woke to a noise - Dozing? (I believe dosing is a medical term)
Grabbing her gun from her purse, Rachel listened, - where was her purse? There's no mention of it earlier. She only put the mail & keys on the table.
a leg come through the open window,- came rather than come here.
Her heart skidded to a halt, she had forgotten to load it.- this is very lapse for a Detective.
Rachel backed away, they turned to run, legs feeling like lead. - then rather than they.
Oh, no, please ,no. Was she about to become a statistic like the cases of the missing women she was trying to solve? Would a detective study her picture and read the notes on her case, trying to find out if she was dead or alive, would her family have to live with the uncertainty and grief that so many families of the missing lived with?- this section doesn't really work. the first sentence is direct thought but the rest of it isn't. if it was it wouldn't utilise her/she, it would be me and my.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 14-May-2019
reply by the author on 14-May-2019
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Hi, thanks for all the helps, I think I fixed everything. Yes not having a loaded gun as a detective would be a huge lapse, but the reason will become clear in the next chapter. Of course in a real book it would all be in the same chapter, but here you have to keep it short or you don't get reviewed, which I understand. If you want to reread to see what you think.. but I don't want you to have to take up your time for free. =} Thank you again, you are always a huge help to a person who cannot see her own errors. Reviewers are really my teachers. Rox
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I hope she is just having a nightmare. It is doubtful a cop would forget to load his or her revolver. I wonder, she worried with the case all day and when she went to sleep did it kept going in her mind? It sounds as though she is a no nonsense type person. I find you story line to be interesting Rox. Well done. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 14-May-2019
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I hope she is just having a nightmare. It is doubtful a cop would forget to load his or her revolver. I wonder, she worried with the case all day and when she went to sleep did it kept going in her mind? It sounds as though she is a no nonsense type person. I find you story line to be interesting Rox. Well done. Nancy:)
Comment Written 14-May-2019
reply by the author on 14-May-2019
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It should become clearer in the next post, if I could post more, which I would like to, it would be helpful to everyone, but if they are long they don't get reviewed, which I understand. Thanks so much Nancy. Rox
Comment from light
I'm glad to get in on the beginning of this story. I am already drawn ito it. Your descriptions and dialogue are believable. I will try to catch the next chapter.
Elaine
reply by the author on 13-May-2019
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I'm glad to get in on the beginning of this story. I am already drawn ito it. Your descriptions and dialogue are believable. I will try to catch the next chapter.
Elaine
Comment Written 13-May-2019
reply by the author on 13-May-2019
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Thank you so much Elaine.
Comment from Gail Denham
Interesting story, but I'd guess it could be stronger with less description and much more on-going dialog, keeping the intensity of her desire to capture the killer. And a clue might be given that she had back issues or that she wondered if the killer was prowling around. Perhaps she'd felt she'd been followed.
Just thinking out loud and only my opinion.
This chapter ends on a cliff-hanger - always good.
I enjoyed reading this
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-May-2019
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Interesting story, but I'd guess it could be stronger with less description and much more on-going dialog, keeping the intensity of her desire to capture the killer. And a clue might be given that she had back issues or that she wondered if the killer was prowling around. Perhaps she'd felt she'd been followed.
Just thinking out loud and only my opinion.
This chapter ends on a cliff-hanger - always good.
I enjoyed reading this
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-May-2019
reply by the author on 13-May-2019
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Thank you, I'll take another look. Rox
Comment from robyn corum
Foxie,
Super job. I was able to get a great idea of all the important characters and a good idea of the setting and situation. Nice job.
Only a couple of small notes - toward the bottom:
1.) a leg (came) through, (then) an arm and a head.
2.) to live with the (uncertainty) and grief that so many (families) of the
The very concept that 600 THOUSAND people can go missing EVERY YEAR is appalling. That's over half a million people!
Anyway, keep it coming~!
reply by the author on 13-May-2019
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Foxie,
Super job. I was able to get a great idea of all the important characters and a good idea of the setting and situation. Nice job.
Only a couple of small notes - toward the bottom:
1.) a leg (came) through, (then) an arm and a head.
2.) to live with the (uncertainty) and grief that so many (families) of the
The very concept that 600 THOUSAND people can go missing EVERY YEAR is appalling. That's over half a million people!
Anyway, keep it coming~!
Comment Written 13-May-2019
reply by the author on 13-May-2019
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My spell check didn't catch those for some reason. I have two and neither alerted me. Strange, but thank you for catching them and the great review.
