Dad's Favourite
(When ignorance led to bliss)4 total reviews
Comment from Beri Bee
This is absolutely charming! I love when she says she hopes it will last longer than a day! Those funny pieces of language that we take for granted after we're grown make great tidbits of color in a story. Whether she knew he was teasing, it's adorable! (I think she was teasing!) Excellent story! Thank you for sharing it! You know how to give her character and make her real in that one repeated line about the preference of her name! I could go on, but then I'd be babbling like Catherine, not Cat!
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2019
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This is absolutely charming! I love when she says she hopes it will last longer than a day! Those funny pieces of language that we take for granted after we're grown make great tidbits of color in a story. Whether she knew he was teasing, it's adorable! (I think she was teasing!) Excellent story! Thank you for sharing it! You know how to give her character and make her real in that one repeated line about the preference of her name! I could go on, but then I'd be babbling like Catherine, not Cat!
Comment Written 26-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2019
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Babble away Beri, I enjoy what you write. This is the longest story I have ever written, so It was an interesting exercise for me to see how I could stitch it together with little pieces, exactly like the ones you have picked out. I am learning more about story-telling by reading other FS writers.
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Author,
What a fun story! This is the first one I have read in this contest, but I think it will be hard to beat. It is well-constructed, well-paced, and well-populated. *smile* I liked the characters and was nicely surprised at the ending. This story has all the elements you could ask for and I can't think of a single thing that could make it better. Kudos! Much good luck to you!
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2019
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Dear Mystery Author,
What a fun story! This is the first one I have read in this contest, but I think it will be hard to beat. It is well-constructed, well-paced, and well-populated. *smile* I liked the characters and was nicely surprised at the ending. This story has all the elements you could ask for and I can't think of a single thing that could make it better. Kudos! Much good luck to you!
Comment Written 26-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2019
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Thanks so much Robyn for your terrific comments. This is the longest short story I have written so I was concentrating on maintaining the 'feel' throughout. I rather fancied that Robert myself!
Comment from beizanten
a very interesting story with interesting characters. THe emotion of the chaaracter fow well bringing them into life. I love how you describe rober character and the growing attraction between them
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2019
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a very interesting story with interesting characters. THe emotion of the chaaracter fow well bringing them into life. I love how you describe rober character and the growing attraction between them
Comment Written 26-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2019
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Thanks so much for reading that rather long story (it's the longest I have written). I'm pleased you enjoyed it. I quite fancied Robert myself!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This is a very nice piece for the competition. the characters are well-drawn and described. Good point of view maintained throughout.
Be careful of your adverb usage. They cab be very effective when used sparingly but there is a danger that they can expose a weakness in verb choice.
Her Dad arrives half an hour or so afterwards,- dad doesn't need capitalised here.
One thing that struck me was the lack of contractions used in the general narrative. It gives a particular cadence to the lines which could be shock up once in while.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2019
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Hi there,
This is a very nice piece for the competition. the characters are well-drawn and described. Good point of view maintained throughout.
Be careful of your adverb usage. They cab be very effective when used sparingly but there is a danger that they can expose a weakness in verb choice.
Her Dad arrives half an hour or so afterwards,- dad doesn't need capitalised here.
One thing that struck me was the lack of contractions used in the general narrative. It gives a particular cadence to the lines which could be shock up once in while.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 26-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2019
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Thanks for your review. That is the longest story I have ever written, so I am pleased that you commented on the point of view being maintained.
I can see that I can ditch a couple of 'suddenly's and maybe other adverbs. Regarding contractions (pregnant pause....) is that such things as 'isn't' for 'is not' for instance?
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Yes, it's good to mix them up a bit to break and vary the sentence structure.
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Good advice thank you. I've changed the dad's, weeded out some adverbs, and had my contractions seen to. My baby is a better read with your helpful input.
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awesome :)
