A Fly on the Wall
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "On Changing Routines"A journal musings and assessments about situations
30 total reviews
Comment from Debbie Pope
Your posts are always so delightful. Your style reminds me a little of Sasha's. The two of you simply talk about your day-- the people that you meet, how you spent your hours. But, you do so with such a sense of humor. You see the fun in everything and don't mind poking fun at yourself. I look forward to hearing about your life.
My only suggestion would be to define phlebotomy in your notes. I had to look it up.
This is a great entry. Thanks for putting a smile on my face.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2019
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Your posts are always so delightful. Your style reminds me a little of Sasha's. The two of you simply talk about your day-- the people that you meet, how you spent your hours. But, you do so with such a sense of humor. You see the fun in everything and don't mind poking fun at yourself. I look forward to hearing about your life.
My only suggestion would be to define phlebotomy in your notes. I had to look it up.
This is a great entry. Thanks for putting a smile on my face.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2019
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You're now the second reviewer with this suggestion, so off I go right now to do that edit. Thanks very much for the suggestion.
And, as always, thanks for the review. And I'll check out Sasha! I don't believe I've had the pleasure of her work yet! xo
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Read some of her early rambles to catch up on her fascinating life. Do that first.
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Yeah, they're classics, aren't they? I like the ones with the hope that America is destroyed. She's very healthy and well. No problems there whatsoever...
Comment from Adelphos Vasa
Always up for a challenge, so here I am. Interesting as it is real-life, always a safe bet, IF your life is interesting. If you sent this in as a manuscript, I would bet quite a bit that it won't fly, you make a classic mistake in writing. You haven't got an interesting job, taking bloods, and you load your story down with unnecessary 'literary junk'. Here:
I walk into the empty phlebotomy lab waiting room and see what amounts to a life-size model of a 1999 Medical Office Supplies catalogue: a vast blue carpet beneath a conjoined row of textured blue chairs perched on black aluminium legs. They flank a low, faux wooden corner table for magazines (Forbes and Sports Illustrated. Do women patronize a different phlebotomist or something?) In the centre of the room, a cream-colored floor-to-ceiling acrylic fortress rises up like an iceberg with a wide, plexiglass portal, and behind it sits Will Ferrell's humourless twin brother.
Do you really think that me, the reader, or no matter who they are, are interested in the colour of the chairs? Look how much detail you have about chairs, it's boring. But you don't finish there, we get the color of the floor and the ceiling, and the details of the portal. I'm certainly not interested in this, and I don't think a publisher will be either.
I did a master class of Margaret Attwood's that I thoroughly recommend to you for improving your prose. She says to make every word count, and make every word a force for the story, always moving it forward. You are yet to learn to do that, because after the portal we get the details of the reading matter, etc, etc. Cut to the core with every sentence. Why do I need to know the color of the furniture, is it adding to the driving factor of the story? Because it doesn't matter if it is fiction or non-fiction, the characters have to be engaging, and in non-fiction, they have to stand out from the crowd for some great endeavour , because you still need a challice. Take a biography for the captain of the Aussie Cricket team, big cricket devotee, for example. He still needs a challice, it could be to get his baggy green, or something equally momentous. What we don't need to know is facts about his barbeque and outdorr setting, or that the computer graphics expert in their second year. They are boring details that don't take the story anywhere and they scream rooky writer to a publisher. Most people have lashings of bordom on a daily basis.
I think you need to find the driving factor for your story and punch it out fast and furious because this reader wants to get to the meat and eat, and they couldn't because of all the dross clogging up the path.
Have a great day, Joy, or whatever else you want to tag me.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2019
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Always up for a challenge, so here I am. Interesting as it is real-life, always a safe bet, IF your life is interesting. If you sent this in as a manuscript, I would bet quite a bit that it won't fly, you make a classic mistake in writing. You haven't got an interesting job, taking bloods, and you load your story down with unnecessary 'literary junk'. Here:
I walk into the empty phlebotomy lab waiting room and see what amounts to a life-size model of a 1999 Medical Office Supplies catalogue: a vast blue carpet beneath a conjoined row of textured blue chairs perched on black aluminium legs. They flank a low, faux wooden corner table for magazines (Forbes and Sports Illustrated. Do women patronize a different phlebotomist or something?) In the centre of the room, a cream-colored floor-to-ceiling acrylic fortress rises up like an iceberg with a wide, plexiglass portal, and behind it sits Will Ferrell's humourless twin brother.
Do you really think that me, the reader, or no matter who they are, are interested in the colour of the chairs? Look how much detail you have about chairs, it's boring. But you don't finish there, we get the color of the floor and the ceiling, and the details of the portal. I'm certainly not interested in this, and I don't think a publisher will be either.
I did a master class of Margaret Attwood's that I thoroughly recommend to you for improving your prose. She says to make every word count, and make every word a force for the story, always moving it forward. You are yet to learn to do that, because after the portal we get the details of the reading matter, etc, etc. Cut to the core with every sentence. Why do I need to know the color of the furniture, is it adding to the driving factor of the story? Because it doesn't matter if it is fiction or non-fiction, the characters have to be engaging, and in non-fiction, they have to stand out from the crowd for some great endeavour , because you still need a challice. Take a biography for the captain of the Aussie Cricket team, big cricket devotee, for example. He still needs a challice, it could be to get his baggy green, or something equally momentous. What we don't need to know is facts about his barbeque and outdorr setting, or that the computer graphics expert in their second year. They are boring details that don't take the story anywhere and they scream rooky writer to a publisher. Most people have lashings of bordom on a daily basis.
I think you need to find the driving factor for your story and punch it out fast and furious because this reader wants to get to the meat and eat, and they couldn't because of all the dross clogging up the path.
Have a great day, Joy, or whatever else you want to tag me.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2019
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You sure do have a lot of misspellings and poor word choices in this rant, Joy/Deb. I wonder if it could be time for a refresher course at Margaret Atwood's clinic (you know, in between visits to your psychiatrist's office...)
Thanks so much for this entertaining review. It's, no doubt, the best laugh I'll have all day.
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Your very welcome. I love to laugh also and get so many laughs here. But you have shown you can't take instruction, because that is a stock answer of all the would-be-writers here who just don't cut it, they pick on the reviewers errors, so funny. But you have put your work out there for review, not me, but I gave you the most honest review you will get here in this elderly friend club full of meaningless fivers. I write for a living. So, my suggestion to you is to put your writing to the test in the real world. Send it out to publishers and you can find those who take unsolicited manuscripts by googling, 'publishers that take unsolicited manuscripts' and that will bring up a list or two. I am sure TOR is on one of them, although they might not take this genre. But you will get lots of rejections if you do, so you will have to develop a thicker skin because you have been hoodwinked by the sweet touchy feely reviews here that mean absolutely nothing. I challenge you, put your writing to the test and see what happens. But after your endless rejections, remember my advice, you need to get to the kernel of your story without all the meaningless boring descriptors of chairs and floors and ceilings, lol and I would bet my house that this would have no interest to any publisher, only here where you all mutually stroke each others bloated egos, lol And keep laughing, it's good for you. I'm laughing all the way to the bank that's how bad my writing is, hahaha.
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And btw, Margaret Attwood is one of the most brilliant writers of all time. If you set her as your standard, you would go far.
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Well, I would take your suggestion, but I fear that once I sold my work, I'd turn into a hateful FanStory troll like you, Joy, you oh-so successful, fabulously wealthy author extraordinaire...who doesn't even seem to know that the word 'your' needs an apostrophe and an e on the end. My very best to you always, Dear; you're dismissed now.
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Your jealousy and pettiness is on display, you are following the formula of the 'can't be told, I only deserve 5 star writer at this oh so important place called Fanstory' hahahaah I started here, but it has taken me 15 years to become a professional writer, that's why I try to give honest feedback to up and coming writers. I like it if you squelch though, it gets people like you out of the way so I am not wasting my time, and I couldn't care less what you think, I am rich too, btw, so eat your heart out sweetheart and don't let anyone tell you money doesn't make you happy. They're lying, lol.
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I can't tell you the delight it brings me, Joy/Deb to read of how happy you are. But surely you know that you never had to say so because of how vividly it shows through with the warm and loving words you write - not just to me, but to the scores of other (paying) members here on FS.
Here's what I find interesting, though: For someone who doesn't care what I think, you sure do waste so much of your precious time -time you could be devoting to that lucrative writing career of yours!- talking to me here on this site, your alma mater, which you respect and admire so profoundly. I guess giving selflessly of your time is your admirable calling card. I'll add that to my list of Things I Can Learn From Joy/Deb!
Personally, I think you're crazy about me and want to be BFF's. But maybe that's just a crazy pipe dream of mine. You're obviously too rich and talented (and kind) for someone like me to ever get to have as a friend. Such a social joy like that could never occur in my sad little listless life. I'll just have to continue to hope that someday I can be the gracious, charming, unrivaled success that you are. Not that I think that could actually HAPPEN, of course, since you're a once-in-a-lifetime kind of success story in the universe! But what is an aspiring writer like myself if not full of imagination and dreams! I'll never give up the hope, Joy/Deb, that someday I can be just like you!!!
Thank you for all you give to me with these never-ending, oh-so fascinating diatribes of yours. They mean the world to me, as does our continuing correspondence. I hope to hear from you again very soon, because a day without you in it would be a desolate one for me, indeed!xo
Comment from Mastery
LOL. I love it. Those people are another of my pet peeves. They are so anxious to exercise efficiency that they cannot see the forest for the trees, as it were.
I love your little pieces of snide humor in this one, Rach. Perfect writing in my estimation. Bless you, Bob
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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LOL. I love it. Those people are another of my pet peeves. They are so anxious to exercise efficiency that they cannot see the forest for the trees, as it were.
I love your little pieces of snide humor in this one, Rach. Perfect writing in my estimation. Bless you, Bob
Comment Written 17-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Thanks, Bob. I appreciate this very much. At least the aggravation made for a good Fly On The Wall entry! We were able to at least squeeze SOME lemonade from that lemon! xo
Comment from A. Willow Bends
Well done. We think a great deal alike. These are the type things that send me over the WALL. OVER it, way over it! This holds the attention and so many can relate to this feeling of "WHHHHAAAAATTTTTT?" Great job and keep it coming. OUT of sixes!
Wendy
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Well done. We think a great deal alike. These are the type things that send me over the WALL. OVER it, way over it! This holds the attention and so many can relate to this feeling of "WHHHHAAAAATTTTTT?" Great job and keep it coming. OUT of sixes!
Wendy
Comment Written 17-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Thanks, Wendy. As I get to know you more, I can see how this would just send you into orbit!! You remind me so very much of my favorite niece who would NOT be able to be quiet (and a "good girl" like her Auntie) in this situation. lol
Anyway, thank you for the cutest review ever!! I absolutely loved it. xo
Comment from HealingMuse
Hi Rachelle,
You have the patience of a saint to put up with such stupidity and rudeness. I have found I am much happier and feel much better if I only support businesses which treat their employees and customers well. Not always possible but I try. Thanks for sharing. Jan :-)
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Hi Rachelle,
You have the patience of a saint to put up with such stupidity and rudeness. I have found I am much happier and feel much better if I only support businesses which treat their employees and customers well. Not always possible but I try. Thanks for sharing. Jan :-)
Comment Written 17-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Sometimes it's more fun for me in retrospect. I mean, G-d did me a really good sense of humor, so I guess it's only right if He also gives me lots of opportunities to use it!
At any rate, thank you for a delightful review. xo
Comment from Ulla
Hi Rachelle, if this was not quite amusing,I would be rather worried. What's the point of acting like the waiting room was full of people? Is it some kind of a show of power? All best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Hi Rachelle, if this was not quite amusing,I would be rather worried. What's the point of acting like the waiting room was full of people? Is it some kind of a show of power? All best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 17-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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I'm still trying to figure that out, Ulla!! I think they're used to automotized, that's the way they conduct business, whether it's busy or whether it's dead in there. At least it made for a good Fly On The Wall entry!!!
Thanks for the great review. I always love hearing from you. xo
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It sure did. It makes me think of kafka. I know, I'm over the top!
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Hahahah!! You're right!! Hahahah! Omg. I never even gave that a thought.
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Smile!!!
Comment from DeborahWrite
Dear Author,
A gentle way to deal with a frustrating Phlebotomist appointment protocol! Your imagery is captivating to read. I am uncertain whether this dash is mean in its place in this line: "With practiced patience that is already wearing thin -at only...". It could be fine in creative writing :), but also, could it be an Em dash between "thin and at"?
Just a thought and excellent writing,
Deborah
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Dear Author,
A gentle way to deal with a frustrating Phlebotomist appointment protocol! Your imagery is captivating to read. I am uncertain whether this dash is mean in its place in this line: "With practiced patience that is already wearing thin -at only...". It could be fine in creative writing :), but also, could it be an Em dash between "thin and at"?
Just a thought and excellent writing,
Deborah
Comment Written 17-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Yes, I see what you're saying. It's to set off "at just 9:15 in the morning, mind you." Perhaps it needs an extra dash at each end. Thanks for catching that.
Thanks, too, for the very nice review. You made my day. xo
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Oops! I apologize for the typo: I meant meant! I guess I am not comfortable yet, making suggestions to edit others' poems. Thanks, Deborah
Comment from judiverse
This is great. You include such vivid details. I wish my power to recall was that great. We have that take a number routine at one of the doctor's offices I go to, but it's usually pretty busy there. How amusing that the staff you saw performed as if they had a waiting room full. The choice of magazines is also poor. Not only that, but all they have on the TV is some medical channel. What a great number of students you have! That surely keeps you busy. judi
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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This is great. You include such vivid details. I wish my power to recall was that great. We have that take a number routine at one of the doctor's offices I go to, but it's usually pretty busy there. How amusing that the staff you saw performed as if they had a waiting room full. The choice of magazines is also poor. Not only that, but all they have on the TV is some medical channel. What a great number of students you have! That surely keeps you busy. judi
Comment Written 17-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Ugh! As if having to be in a doctor's office isn't bad enough, Judi? They have you watching medical TV??!! Unconscionable!
Thanks for the terrific review. I loved it. xo
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I don't want to think about it. I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon. judi
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I don't know whether I would have burst out laughing or walked out! What a funny place! LOL, you were very good to have sat through all that stupidness. I wonder how many years it took for them to reach #383! LOL. This was a really funny, true story. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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I don't know whether I would have burst out laughing or walked out! What a funny place! LOL, you were very good to have sat through all that stupidness. I wonder how many years it took for them to reach #383! LOL. This was a really funny, true story. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 17-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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HAHAHAHAHA!! I bet if I go back there now, years later, they won't be at 400 yet! lol
Thanks for the hilarious review, Sandra. xo
Comment from susand3022
Rachelle... you kill me!!! Hahahahahaha!!! I've never had this problem at the Vampire lab, mainly because my lab is at the Doctors office and I have to check in at the front door. LOL I do have to always take a number (a wooden square with a # on it) to get an X-ray at the podiatrist, but that's because you never know who's coming down right behind you I think. I really think that's nuts. It's like having to take one at the deli if you're the only one standing there. ;)
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Rachelle... you kill me!!! Hahahahahaha!!! I've never had this problem at the Vampire lab, mainly because my lab is at the Doctors office and I have to check in at the front door. LOL I do have to always take a number (a wooden square with a # on it) to get an X-ray at the podiatrist, but that's because you never know who's coming down right behind you I think. I really think that's nuts. It's like having to take one at the deli if you're the only one standing there. ;)
Comment Written 17-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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JoAnn Fabrics started with it recently, too! No one's at the counter, and I have to take a number!! So WEIRD!
Thanks for the fun review, Susan. xo
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OMG! You're kidding me!!! Talk about idiotic!!! I'd just stand at the counter and yell... "Hello!!! Who works here!!! Anybody??? Or should I just walk out the door with this stuff!!!?? I'd be perfectly happy to!!?" If I were you I'd send an e-mail to their corporate office and tell them how stupid that is and how it's unappreciated. lol
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At least I got this good Fly On The Wall entry out if it!
