Little Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 478 "Traces Left"Small and Specialty Poems
11 total reviews
Comment from Pantygynt
This is indeed complex to describe byuut easy to see with your colour coding. I hate to say this but your first line has only seven syllables. Might I suggest the line could read:
'Some traces left where we could read' -- that would bring the total up to the mark.
Hey! Wouldn't it be fun if the last words of the last stanza could loop back to the first words of the first, or would that be a repeat too far?
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2019
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This is indeed complex to describe byuut easy to see with your colour coding. I hate to say this but your first line has only seven syllables. Might I suggest the line could read:
'Some traces left where we could read' -- that would bring the total up to the mark.
Hey! Wouldn't it be fun if the last words of the last stanza could loop back to the first words of the first, or would that be a repeat too far?
Comment Written 17-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2019
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Thank you Jim, I like that 1st line suggestion. Gosh, when will I learn to count? I thought about doing the last Stanza using the First stanzas rhymes again myself, bringing it back full circle. There certainly no impediment to that. I did think it might be a bit too much.
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You are probably right about being abit too much.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written interecting new format Helicon harmony that seems to take a lot of careful planning to get it perfectly right as your beautiful poem illustrates this format.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2019
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A very well-written interecting new format Helicon harmony that seems to take a lot of careful planning to get it perfectly right as your beautiful poem illustrates this format.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2019
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Thank you Sandra. I appreciate the review and comments
Comment from LIJ Red
Yep, threaded like a lag bolt...ambitious word-juggling indeed...in a cemetery whose church had evaporated, I found a very old version of "Stranger pause as you pass by" on an impressive monument to a lady of twenty placed by a young man of twenty-four...story there--1861....impressive post...
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2019
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Yep, threaded like a lag bolt...ambitious word-juggling indeed...in a cemetery whose church had evaporated, I found a very old version of "Stranger pause as you pass by" on an impressive monument to a lady of twenty placed by a young man of twenty-four...story there--1861....impressive post...
Comment Written 17-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2019
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Thank you LIJ Red, I hadn't thought of a lag bolt, but definitely a good comparison.
Comment from Joan E.
Thank you for sharing Gungalo's complex form with us and highlighting the rhymes in color to highlight the pattern. I admired your description of how we leave traces of our mortality, plus your parallel photograph. I am sorry I do not have the six stars this ensemble deserves. Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Thank you for sharing Gungalo's complex form with us and highlighting the rhymes in color to highlight the pattern. I admired your description of how we leave traces of our mortality, plus your parallel photograph. I am sorry I do not have the six stars this ensemble deserves. Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 17-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Thank you Joan. Always happy to hear from you.
Comment from robyn corum
Tom,
Wow. This seems awfully complicated to me, but it's so nice to remember Gungalo in this way. So you decided not to center-align? *smile* You REBEL!
haha! I enjoyed!
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Tom,
Wow. This seems awfully complicated to me, but it's so nice to remember Gungalo in this way. So you decided not to center-align? *smile* You REBEL!
haha! I enjoyed!
Comment Written 16-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Dang, I thought I did. I'l have to fix it.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This is the first time I've seen this form since Gungalo died, and I still miss her. I'm so pleased you have brought it back to life, Tom, and made such a good job of it too. She would be pleased. I love what you have done with this poem, the history of what we have left in our wake. The symbols and markings, the cave drawings, so much that map out our evolution. What marking do we leave? Everything we write, every bit of art, every poem, there is so much we can leave for them, my only fear is it will be over-ridden by the rubbish and plastic we have left everywhere as well. Well done, my friend, this was a pleasure to read and I must try writing one myself. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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This is the first time I've seen this form since Gungalo died, and I still miss her. I'm so pleased you have brought it back to life, Tom, and made such a good job of it too. She would be pleased. I love what you have done with this poem, the history of what we have left in our wake. The symbols and markings, the cave drawings, so much that map out our evolution. What marking do we leave? Everything we write, every bit of art, every poem, there is so much we can leave for them, my only fear is it will be over-ridden by the rubbish and plastic we have left everywhere as well. Well done, my friend, this was a pleasure to read and I must try writing one myself. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 16-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Thank you Sandra. I miss her too. So glad you liked it, and I feel the same about the harm we do to the environment.
Comment from tfawcus
Good to be reminded of Gungalo, even if only by this fiendish creation of hers! You've done a great job with it. I guess that 'techniques' just passes muster as a slant rhyme! I'll forgive you for not centring the poem, it being so darned good in all other respects! Six, if I had one.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Good to be reminded of Gungalo, even if only by this fiendish creation of hers! You've done a great job with it. I guess that 'techniques' just passes muster as a slant rhyme! I'll forgive you for not centring the poem, it being so darned good in all other respects! Six, if I had one.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Thank you tony. Dang. I was centered in my word document , but Evil Eddie went and undid it when I pasted it n here. Glad you liked it. I am pleased that you remember her.
Comment from sunnilicious
I enjoyed your poem. The highlighting of rhymes was a great idea. It was good for presentation too. Well thought out and nicely written. Great work. Have a nice day :)
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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I enjoyed your poem. The highlighting of rhymes was a great idea. It was good for presentation too. Well thought out and nicely written. Great work. Have a nice day :)
Comment Written 16-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Thank you Alicia. I am delighted with this review and the stars as well.
Comment from trimple
Good evening, Tom
A fabulous poem in a style that I have never seen before.
I read this and wondered if it's me that found a slight bump on the tongue, here and there.
Forgive me if I'm wrong. I've made a few suggestions that you may or may not wish to consider.
Traces left where we have been,
the petroglyphs of modern men [,]--move over a notch :)
by paths that come and go again,
we mark with chisel, chalk, and pen.
Pen to paper, or knife to stone,
Again give messages unknown.
Men [will]--omit] declare their presence shown.
"Been [here before, though not alone? here once, and was not alone."
Alone, yet we will take this path,
shown by the[ ]marking's[marker's?] autograph.
Unknown symbols [in][on?] fool's behalf,
Stones' ?[is]omit the ancient lithograph.
Lithograph note on etched relief's
behalf[,]--omit may often preach beliefs.
Autograph's transient motifs,
Path reveals the unique techniques.
kind regards
tracey
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Good evening, Tom
A fabulous poem in a style that I have never seen before.
I read this and wondered if it's me that found a slight bump on the tongue, here and there.
Forgive me if I'm wrong. I've made a few suggestions that you may or may not wish to consider.
Traces left where we have been,
the petroglyphs of modern men [,]--move over a notch :)
by paths that come and go again,
we mark with chisel, chalk, and pen.
Pen to paper, or knife to stone,
Again give messages unknown.
Men [will]--omit] declare their presence shown.
"Been [here before, though not alone? here once, and was not alone."
Alone, yet we will take this path,
shown by the[ ]marking's[marker's?] autograph.
Unknown symbols [in][on?] fool's behalf,
Stones' ?[is]omit the ancient lithograph.
Lithograph note on etched relief's
behalf[,]--omit may often preach beliefs.
Autograph's transient motifs,
Path reveals the unique techniques.
kind regards
tracey
Comment Written 16-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Thank you Tracey, thoise are definite improvements
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is so true, we all leave our mark on life, no matter how insignificant we think it is, we leave our footprint in the sand and on the land, traces of us in our offspring, words and atmospheric particles, everyone of us leave something behind, Your words are much enjoyed, love Dolly x
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reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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This is so true, we all leave our mark on life, no matter how insignificant we think it is, we leave our footprint in the sand and on the land, traces of us in our offspring, words and atmospheric particles, everyone of us leave something behind, Your words are much enjoyed, love Dolly x
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2019
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Thank you Dolly
