Debt Collector
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "No Rest for the Wicked"Unpaid loans can be deadly.
8 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Hi Misty , So the story continues and the family has no idea what is going on. I wonder how far it will go before the discover that something is wrong.
I have a suggestion, if I may
"Their description fits half the men in Berryville." Jerry started on the force ten years ago, he's been a detective for five.
"Maybe the security footage will help?" Joe's been on the force fifteen years the last five as a sergeant.
I think the description of how long Jerry and Joe have been in the force could be a paragraph on its own and not attached to the speech. The same goes for Rachel later on.
"Did to."= "Did too."
I'm looking forward to reading on. All best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2019
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Hi Misty , So the story continues and the family has no idea what is going on. I wonder how far it will go before the discover that something is wrong.
I have a suggestion, if I may
"Their description fits half the men in Berryville." Jerry started on the force ten years ago, he's been a detective for five.
"Maybe the security footage will help?" Joe's been on the force fifteen years the last five as a sergeant.
I think the description of how long Jerry and Joe have been in the force could be a paragraph on its own and not attached to the speech. The same goes for Rachel later on.
"Did to."= "Did too."
I'm looking forward to reading on. All best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 31-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2019
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Thank you so much for your helpful review, your suggestions are always greatly appreciated. Jeff is smart, thinks on his feet which will keep his family in the dark for quite a while.
Thank you again for your great review, all your help and support, take care.
Comment from 24chas
This was a good chapter, Mistydawn. I like the way the characters are still being developed and the flow of the story. Poor Jeff, I don't know how he's going to continue getting away with this.
Just that he's a Hispanic male in his early thirties." (open quote marks needed)
They (had) just bowed their heads when Jeff's cell phone rings.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2019
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This was a good chapter, Mistydawn. I like the way the characters are still being developed and the flow of the story. Poor Jeff, I don't know how he's going to continue getting away with this.
Just that he's a Hispanic male in his early thirties." (open quote marks needed)
They (had) just bowed their heads when Jeff's cell phone rings.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2019
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Thank you so much for reading my post, your encouraging words and for catching my mistakes. You're right, Jeff has himself in a heck of a mess and the only thing he can do is play along.
Thank you again for all your help, your support and friendship, it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from HealingMuse
Hi Misty,
Ooooh - Another intriguing chapter you have crafted, my friend. Very well done.
Just a few offerings):
"Jeff is summonsed to another job"
I think you meant summoned.
Where Julie takes dish into the dining room, I think into would read more fluidly than "in."
And, where the detectives are chatting, I think you meant "fixin))," rather than "fixen."
Thanks for a great read.
Jan
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2019
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Hi Misty,
Ooooh - Another intriguing chapter you have crafted, my friend. Very well done.
Just a few offerings):
"Jeff is summonsed to another job"
I think you meant summoned.
Where Julie takes dish into the dining room, I think into would read more fluidly than "in."
And, where the detectives are chatting, I think you meant "fixin))," rather than "fixen."
Thanks for a great read.
Jan
Comment Written 30-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your kind review and your helpful suggestions. They are always greatly appreciated. Things are going to start heating up here on out.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship, it means a lot to me, take care.
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Oooh, sounds wonderful. Can't wait! And, of course, I am dying to know if he is going to be found out and how the family will take it. Maybe I missed a chapter, but each time they discuss the accident, no one talks about the dad's possible role in it, as he was drinking and driving with his son in the car! Is that the great irony of the story?
Your friendship means a great deal to me, too. I appreciate you.
Jan :-)
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PS - Not to say Max should be absolved for a hit and run by any means, but you know what I mean. LOL
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good episode. They sure are working Jeff hard. He can't even enjoy dinner.
Found some things to fix:
He jumps again. "I wish you guys wouldn't sneak up on me." His partner snickers. Noticing Joe shooting daggers at him, Jerry glances towards his desk as he tries to stifle a grin. <-- Separate into paragraphs.
He jumps again. "I wish you guys wouldn't sneak up on me."
His partner snickers. Noticing Joe shooting daggers at him, Jerry glances towards his desk as he tries to stifle a grin. <-- Two diff people spoke and/or acted, so two paragraphs are needed.
"Grab the shovel cause it's [fixen] to get deep in here." <-- fixin'
"The owners claim they haven't loaned their vehicle to anyone and they obviously haven't driven them in a while." <-- Make both singular OR both plural. Use 'vehicles' with 'them' OR 'vehicle' with 'it'.
"Give your sister [,] her doll, Abby." <-- Remove first comma.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2019
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Good episode. They sure are working Jeff hard. He can't even enjoy dinner.
Found some things to fix:
He jumps again. "I wish you guys wouldn't sneak up on me." His partner snickers. Noticing Joe shooting daggers at him, Jerry glances towards his desk as he tries to stifle a grin. <-- Separate into paragraphs.
He jumps again. "I wish you guys wouldn't sneak up on me."
His partner snickers. Noticing Joe shooting daggers at him, Jerry glances towards his desk as he tries to stifle a grin. <-- Two diff people spoke and/or acted, so two paragraphs are needed.
"Grab the shovel cause it's [fixen] to get deep in here." <-- fixin'
"The owners claim they haven't loaned their vehicle to anyone and they obviously haven't driven them in a while." <-- Make both singular OR both plural. Use 'vehicles' with 'them' OR 'vehicle' with 'it'.
"Give your sister [,] her doll, Abby." <-- Remove first comma.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your great review, I'm glad you enjoyed it and thank you so much for catching my mistakes. Your help is always appreciated, take care.
Comment from Lance S. Loria
I enjoyed the read. The setting up of some mystery to hook the reader was goid. The story flows well. I didn't do a grammatical review but nothibg caught my eye.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2019
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I enjoyed the read. The setting up of some mystery to hook the reader was goid. The story flows well. I didn't do a grammatical review but nothibg caught my eye.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review, and your encouraging words I'm glad you enjoyed it. There is a lot more mystery, suspense to come as Jeff continues his life of crime to save his family from a slow painful demise. Poor guy is in deep. Take care.
Comment from Henry King
This segment has several excellent scenes. There are two scenes in the Police Station, one with the Captain and one with Rachel. The at-home dinner and Luigi phone call is next scene. Then a transitional scene about the wreck at the mall is next. Then home again into the spider theme.
The dialog is excellent like normal communication between the varied subjects. The transition between scenes police activity to home life needs one or two transitional sentences, because they are very abrupt. The bowling alley scene is missing, while an accident in the square is mentioned.
The only foretelling seems to be about Luigi's call. The captain talking about the car stealing doesn't seem to promote foretelling. Do these scenes carry the story to an ending? I'm of the opinion this segment is transitional and doesn't carry the story forward except, it's now suppertime and a spider has interrupted.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2019
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This segment has several excellent scenes. There are two scenes in the Police Station, one with the Captain and one with Rachel. The at-home dinner and Luigi phone call is next scene. Then a transitional scene about the wreck at the mall is next. Then home again into the spider theme.
The dialog is excellent like normal communication between the varied subjects. The transition between scenes police activity to home life needs one or two transitional sentences, because they are very abrupt. The bowling alley scene is missing, while an accident in the square is mentioned.
The only foretelling seems to be about Luigi's call. The captain talking about the car stealing doesn't seem to promote foretelling. Do these scenes carry the story to an ending? I'm of the opinion this segment is transitional and doesn't carry the story forward except, it's now suppertime and a spider has interrupted.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review. Sounds like you kind of enjoyed it a little.
I can see where you might think that, all the hints that led nowhere. The things I mentioned: the bowling alley, the car wreck, the carjacking and its investigation are important and will lead to some suspenseful chapters starting with the next one and then on to what I hope to be a jaw dropping ending.
Thank you again for taking the time to read my chapter, take care.
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You are welcome.
Comment from Ben Colder
Interesting story. My compliments on using catch you sleepy reader. Your character jumpy, sets the reader back in the flow. Nice work. I see nothing wrong. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2019
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Interesting story. My compliments on using catch you sleepy reader. Your character jumpy, sets the reader back in the flow. Nice work. I see nothing wrong. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your kind review, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Jeff, the poor guy has a long trying road ahead. But he loves his family and will do whatever it takes to keep them alive. despite the personal cost.
Thank you again for your kind review, take care.
Comment from royowen
So. The investigion rolls on with Jerry, Joe and Rachel, Joe seemingly doing his old sergeant's gig. Meanwhile, Jeff and family are having tea, which to her is family catch up time. The phone rings and its Luigi with another job for Him, nobody wants to kill a spider encountered by the girls, even Jeff is a big sissy. Then....? Well done, good scribing, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2019
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So. The investigion rolls on with Jerry, Joe and Rachel, Joe seemingly doing his old sergeant's gig. Meanwhile, Jeff and family are having tea, which to her is family catch up time. The phone rings and its Luigi with another job for Him, nobody wants to kill a spider encountered by the girls, even Jeff is a big sissy. Then....? Well done, good scribing, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 30-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review, I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter, maybe got a laugh with the sissy's on the furniture. I hate to admit it but that's actually a true story. We had a big old hairy spider in the house that'd charge at you if you tried to hit it. Had all of us on furniture. Luckily, our dog saved the day.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship, it means a lot to me, take care.
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Heh heh. Love it
