The Girl with Dead Eyes Part 2
The spirit of a girl haunts a young woman15 total reviews
Comment from 24chas
This was a good read, Roxanna. I was really surprised about Rick and Dave. Nice job in setting up this story and you leave the reader wanting more. Good job.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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This was a good read, Roxanna. I was really surprised about Rick and Dave. Nice job in setting up this story and you leave the reader wanting more. Good job.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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Thanks so much. Part 3 and the end soon. Rox
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Oh, dear. How will Carla react to that! To be told you see the spirits of the dead girls is not something many people will believe, especially when you continue on and say you think your's and her husband have something to do with it. I can't wait for the next part to see how she does take it. Love this story. A couple of little nits below. Well done. :) Sandra xxx
Lauren('s) heart had almost stopped
I(t) couldn't be a coincidence that there
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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Oh, dear. How will Carla react to that! To be told you see the spirits of the dead girls is not something many people will believe, especially when you continue on and say you think your's and her husband have something to do with it. I can't wait for the next part to see how she does take it. Love this story. A couple of little nits below. Well done. :) Sandra xxx
Lauren('s) heart had almost stopped
I(t) couldn't be a coincidence that there
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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Thanks so much Sandra. I had a ton of errors and hopefully have fixed them all. Rox
Comment from JudyE
This is getting very, very interesting. You're doing a great job with this.
I did wonder about the article saying that Elizabeth was abducted. The police didn't have any proof that that had happened.
"We just want to know what happen to her," - should be 'what happened to her'
Several people where questions and cleared - 'were questioned and cleared'
Rick Taylor and David Matthews where two who were questioned. - 'were two who were'
The boys said they had nothing to do with the girls disappearance - apostrophe needed after 'girl'
Lauren heart had almost stopped - 'Lauren' should be Lauren's.
I couldn't be a coincidence - It couldn't be
"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you?" said Rick. Did you mean to put a question mark?
Rick hadn't sleep well. - Rick hadn't slept well.
Unable to sleep he had gotten up in the middle of the night and randomly searching the internet, had found the online article about Elizabeth Snow's disappearance. Comma after 'and'
They planned to meet at The Diner for Breakfast. Breakfast should probably be lower case.
Tiredness over whelmed her and she slept. - over whelmed should be one word
But the girls spirits told her - apostrophe after 'girls'
There was nothing to link the men to the disappearances, the police could do nothing. - I might have put a period after 'disappearances'.
Lauren opened the door and motions Carla to sit. - and motioned Carla to sit.
I'm looking forward to reading the next episode.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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This is getting very, very interesting. You're doing a great job with this.
I did wonder about the article saying that Elizabeth was abducted. The police didn't have any proof that that had happened.
"We just want to know what happen to her," - should be 'what happened to her'
Several people where questions and cleared - 'were questioned and cleared'
Rick Taylor and David Matthews where two who were questioned. - 'were two who were'
The boys said they had nothing to do with the girls disappearance - apostrophe needed after 'girl'
Lauren heart had almost stopped - 'Lauren' should be Lauren's.
I couldn't be a coincidence - It couldn't be
"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you?" said Rick. Did you mean to put a question mark?
Rick hadn't sleep well. - Rick hadn't slept well.
Unable to sleep he had gotten up in the middle of the night and randomly searching the internet, had found the online article about Elizabeth Snow's disappearance. Comma after 'and'
They planned to meet at The Diner for Breakfast. Breakfast should probably be lower case.
Tiredness over whelmed her and she slept. - over whelmed should be one word
But the girls spirits told her - apostrophe after 'girls'
There was nothing to link the men to the disappearances, the police could do nothing. - I might have put a period after 'disappearances'.
Lauren opened the door and motions Carla to sit. - and motioned Carla to sit.
I'm looking forward to reading the next episode.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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Yes there were tons and tons and tons of errors in this. I just don't see them no matter how many times I read it which is like 80. I hate the story by the time I post and still have tons...I put it thru spell check, grammar check. Glad I don't pay for them because they stink. I think I fixed everything, but I doubt it. Thank for taking the time with the helps and for hanging in there. I know it can't be easy. =} rox
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Have you tried reading it slowly aloud? Or maybe covering most of the sentence with a piece of paper so you're only reading one word at a time? I guess I'm lucky as mistakes jump out at me although I still make them. I quite like correcting work as long as the author doesn't think I'm being picky or whatever.
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No I don't mind if you don't. It seems a lot of work for you. Sorry about that. =}
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
there are some good developments here but some bits feel a little stretched or understated. I made some notes as I read through-
Seventeen year old Elizabeth Snow disappeared without a trace February 2nd 2004.- insert a comma after 2nd. As this is an article it's probably going to have correct punctuation. Also the age should be hyphenated (seventeen-year-old).
"We just want to know what happen to her," said her father,- happened.
Several people where questions and cleared in connection with the disappearance. - were questioned.
Rick Taylor and David Matthews where two who were questioned. - were.
nothing to do with the girls disappearance - girl's.
Lauren heart had almost stopped at the mention of Rick's name. - Lauren's.
"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you?" said Rick as he poured himself a cup of coffee.- this reads more like a statement than a question.
middle of the night and randomly searching the internet, had found the online article about Elizabeth Snow's disappearance.- this is quite a contrivance to randomly find it.
They planned to meet at The Diner for Breakfast.- breakfast doesn't need capitalised. As it is written it looks like it's part of the name.
Tiredness over whelmed her and she slept. - overwhelmed is a single word.
Thirty minutes later she woke to five women standing in her living room. "Oh no, not more of you." - her reaction here feels very understated.
But the girls spirits told her he was involved in something beyond sinister - girls'.
"I need to talk to you. Can I come by?" / "I'm on my way out, I'll stop by your place." - in the first instalment, you don't use quote/speech marks for the text, just capitals. It's best to stick to one form of the presentation.
All the best
GMG
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reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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Hi there,
there are some good developments here but some bits feel a little stretched or understated. I made some notes as I read through-
Seventeen year old Elizabeth Snow disappeared without a trace February 2nd 2004.- insert a comma after 2nd. As this is an article it's probably going to have correct punctuation. Also the age should be hyphenated (seventeen-year-old).
"We just want to know what happen to her," said her father,- happened.
Several people where questions and cleared in connection with the disappearance. - were questioned.
Rick Taylor and David Matthews where two who were questioned. - were.
nothing to do with the girls disappearance - girl's.
Lauren heart had almost stopped at the mention of Rick's name. - Lauren's.
"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you?" said Rick as he poured himself a cup of coffee.- this reads more like a statement than a question.
middle of the night and randomly searching the internet, had found the online article about Elizabeth Snow's disappearance.- this is quite a contrivance to randomly find it.
They planned to meet at The Diner for Breakfast.- breakfast doesn't need capitalised. As it is written it looks like it's part of the name.
Tiredness over whelmed her and she slept. - overwhelmed is a single word.
Thirty minutes later she woke to five women standing in her living room. "Oh no, not more of you." - her reaction here feels very understated.
But the girls spirits told her he was involved in something beyond sinister - girls'.
"I need to talk to you. Can I come by?" / "I'm on my way out, I'll stop by your place." - in the first instalment, you don't use quote/speech marks for the text, just capitals. It's best to stick to one form of the presentation.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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Hi, thanks again for your time and for hanging in there. It can't be easy. I think I fixed everything, will look at the story too. I do want to do my best. I read it over until I'm so sick of it and just want to get rid of it. I just can't see my errors. My brain just blocks it out. It doesn't want to believe I'm this dumb. =} I will carefully look at the ending, maybe have my sis read it through, though she won't like the story. =} Thank you again, rox
Comment from Cass Carlton
A repeating Spag 'where" is incorrect.Try "were". Be careful about using the right tense . "motioned Carla to sit " not "motions". This is an intriguing story line with plenty of opportunities to scare the reader's socks off. Ghostly apparitions, a deceitful husband (and his mate) the possibility of a serial killer!!
Wowie! Girl you've got it all to play with here. Go get 'em kid and frighten them all into sleeping with the light on. cheers Cass
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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A repeating Spag 'where" is incorrect.Try "were". Be careful about using the right tense . "motioned Carla to sit " not "motions". This is an intriguing story line with plenty of opportunities to scare the reader's socks off. Ghostly apparitions, a deceitful husband (and his mate) the possibility of a serial killer!!
Wowie! Girl you've got it all to play with here. Go get 'em kid and frighten them all into sleeping with the light on. cheers Cass
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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I for some reason I don't want to look too closely at, love stories about serial killers. I thinks its horrible and terrifying and all, but I am fascinated by it. I know its sick and I will go very long periods without letting myself watch stuff because I don't believe its good for anyone. Thank you for the read and fun review. Part 3 and the end very soon. Rox
