The Girl with Dead Eyes Part 2
The spirit of a girl haunts a young woman15 total reviews
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Wow!
I never saw this story line developing but what a great idea.
The past and future look set to collide in a terrible way.
You really do have a knack for this and I'm keen to see your story develop.
Blessings
Shirley
reply by the author on 17-May-2019
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Wow!
I never saw this story line developing but what a great idea.
The past and future look set to collide in a terrible way.
You really do have a knack for this and I'm keen to see your story develop.
Blessings
Shirley
Comment Written 17-May-2019
reply by the author on 17-May-2019
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Thank you dear.
Comment from Artasylum
Hey Roxanna... thanks so much for another solid chapter kiddo... you always bring it and I get to enjoy it... looking forward to more chapters and more of your voice... yours, diana
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2019
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Hey Roxanna... thanks so much for another solid chapter kiddo... you always bring it and I get to enjoy it... looking forward to more chapters and more of your voice... yours, diana
Comment Written 25-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2019
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Thanks so much Dear. I hope to have the ending posted soon. As soon as I review enough to get more money. =} Have a great week. Rox
Comment from jmdg1954
Hi Rox. Wow! Filled with suspense and questions. I think you're onto a great short story. It reminds of books my kids read when they were in middle school. Keep up the good work.
One suggestion (but then, what the hell do I know)... I would not end the chapter with this line-
" I think our husbands may be serial killers."
Show, don't tell.. remember to let this idea fester in the minds of the reader.
Nicely done and looking forward to the next part, John
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2019
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Hi Rox. Wow! Filled with suspense and questions. I think you're onto a great short story. It reminds of books my kids read when they were in middle school. Keep up the good work.
One suggestion (but then, what the hell do I know)... I would not end the chapter with this line-
" I think our husbands may be serial killers."
Show, don't tell.. remember to let this idea fester in the minds of the reader.
Nicely done and looking forward to the next part, John
Comment Written 24-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2019
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Thank you John. I guess I gave away the mystery with telling, but I thought ending it that way would be shocking. I'll look at it again. Thanks a lot. Rox
Comment from Treischel
Ok, the car and flat tire seem like a probable cause of stopping and possible abduction.
Not that's a turn, that Rick may be involved somehow. Another twist. 5 ghosts.
Typo: motioned her to have a set (seat?).
The texting on cell phones makes this current and realistic. Hard to imagine where this is going. Good chapter
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2019
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Ok, the car and flat tire seem like a probable cause of stopping and possible abduction.
Not that's a turn, that Rick may be involved somehow. Another twist. 5 ghosts.
Typo: motioned her to have a set (seat?).
The texting on cell phones makes this current and realistic. Hard to imagine where this is going. Good chapter
Comment Written 24-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2019
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Thanks so much. Rox
Comment from royowen
Wow! What a discovery. Husband Rick and his friend Dave, are possibly serial killers, five women all dead have appeared to Lauren, and Carla needed to know also. What a dilemma for the girls. Great story Rox, you're doing well, great plot, characters and theme,well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : Two set(s) of friends.2: you're (nto) gong to want...not?
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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Wow! What a discovery. Husband Rick and his friend Dave, are possibly serial killers, five women all dead have appeared to Lauren, and Carla needed to know also. What a dilemma for the girls. Great story Rox, you're doing well, great plot, characters and theme,well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : Two set(s) of friends.2: you're (nto) gong to want...not?
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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Thanks so much Roy. I had a ton of errors in this one. I just don't see them. Maybe I need new glasses. = Thanks. Rox
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Good story thought.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
This is the sort of 'gift' no one wants. To be a ghost whisperer. Uh-uh, not me. She and Carla have a terrible future to face if what she expects is true. I can't imagine what I would do in such a situation. Leave him I think but maybe she shouldn't anger him. Well done. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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This is the sort of 'gift' no one wants. To be a ghost whisperer. Uh-uh, not me. She and Carla have a terrible future to face if what she expects is true. I can't imagine what I would do in such a situation. Leave him I think but maybe she shouldn't anger him. Well done. Nancy:)
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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No, I wouldn't want the gift. Thanks so much Nancy.
Comment from Michele Harber
I've just finished Part 2, and enjoyed it as well. I wondered, after the first story, where you would go with the second, and involving the two husbands was an interesting and unexpected twist. You've now got me looking forward to the next installment.
I do want to bring up a few technical issues, though. In the newspaper article, when the reporter suggests possible scenarios, she'd be required, for her own sake legally, to attribute them, i.e., "police speculate." Also, you really need to proof this better, as there were several noticeable errors. Here are just a couple, but I definitely noticed others:
"Several people where questions and cleared ..."
"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you?" said Rick ... "
Finally, this is just a question of which I'm not sure of the answer: Is a case still considered "active" if it's "gone cold?" If you're unsure, perhaps you might want to say, "The case is still unsolved, but has gone cold."
I hope you understand these comments and questions are only meant to help. You have a very good story here, but addressing these points could make it an even better one.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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I've just finished Part 2, and enjoyed it as well. I wondered, after the first story, where you would go with the second, and involving the two husbands was an interesting and unexpected twist. You've now got me looking forward to the next installment.
I do want to bring up a few technical issues, though. In the newspaper article, when the reporter suggests possible scenarios, she'd be required, for her own sake legally, to attribute them, i.e., "police speculate." Also, you really need to proof this better, as there were several noticeable errors. Here are just a couple, but I definitely noticed others:
"Several people where questions and cleared ..."
"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you?" said Rick ... "
Finally, this is just a question of which I'm not sure of the answer: Is a case still considered "active" if it's "gone cold?" If you're unsure, perhaps you might want to say, "The case is still unsolved, but has gone cold."
I hope you understand these comments and questions are only meant to help. You have a very good story here, but addressing these points could make it an even better one.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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Yes there were a ton of errors. I do proof, over and over until I hate the story by the time I post it. I put it thru spell check over and over, a grammar program. Glad I don't pay for it as it doesn't seem to work. Sorry about that. I get to where I dread posting because I know.... I just don't see them. ={ Thanks for haning in there and your time to fix me. =} Rox
Comment from Shirley McLain
I like the story, it is full of tension and leads you through the story. I can't say I liked that last sentence, it felt very blunt. There wasn't any tension or build up to it as she was talking to Carla. Just my opinion. Great job and I do look forward to reading more. Have a great day. Shirley
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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I like the story, it is full of tension and leads you through the story. I can't say I liked that last sentence, it felt very blunt. There wasn't any tension or build up to it as she was talking to Carla. Just my opinion. Great job and I do look forward to reading more. Have a great day. Shirley
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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Thanks, I'll take a look at it again. Thanks for hanging in there and reading. Rox
Comment from Miss Sherry
Excellent - scary - mysterious and no matter how much t.v. you watch, these guys exist. And as we know from Ted Bundy - they can look like regular guys, so I have my suspicions on these two. Will be back for more!!
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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Excellent - scary - mysterious and no matter how much t.v. you watch, these guys exist. And as we know from Ted Bundy - they can look like regular guys, so I have my suspicions on these two. Will be back for more!!
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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Thank you. Part 3 and the end soon. =}
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End - not good, but all good things come to one, they say!
Comment from robyn corum
Roxie, (4)
Nice direction. And this explains things very well - the dead girl (and now, GIRLS.) It would have to be rather horrid to think your hubby is a potential serial killer - though I know it does happen. YIKES. Wow.
I thought the writing was really good except for just a few places - made notes for you, of course:
1.) "We just want to know what happen(ed) to her,"
2.) Several people (were questioned)
3.) Rick Taylor and David Matthews (were) two who were
4.) to do with the girl(')s disappearance
5.) it had to be. I(t) couldn't be a coincidence that
6.) "Sorry I didn't mean to scare you(,)" said Rick
7.) They planned to meet at The Diner for (b)reakfast.
8.) But the girls(') spirits told her he was involved
9.) Lauren opened the door and motion(ed) Carla to sit.
Let me know when you edit, please! Thanks!
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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Roxie, (4)
Nice direction. And this explains things very well - the dead girl (and now, GIRLS.) It would have to be rather horrid to think your hubby is a potential serial killer - though I know it does happen. YIKES. Wow.
I thought the writing was really good except for just a few places - made notes for you, of course:
1.) "We just want to know what happen(ed) to her,"
2.) Several people (were questioned)
3.) Rick Taylor and David Matthews (were) two who were
4.) to do with the girl(')s disappearance
5.) it had to be. I(t) couldn't be a coincidence that
6.) "Sorry I didn't mean to scare you(,)" said Rick
7.) They planned to meet at The Diner for (b)reakfast.
8.) But the girls(') spirits told her he was involved
9.) Lauren opened the door and motion(ed) Carla to sit.
Let me know when you edit, please! Thanks!
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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Sorry about that. I always feel sorry for my reviewers. =} I think I fixed them all. Thanks so much for taking the time to write them all out. It can't be fun. Thanks for hanging in there. Rox
