Mysterious Woman
A man encounters a mysterious woman.22 total reviews
Comment from shaffer40
Hi Lance,
I like this story about attraction and man-woman meetings. I especially like the line about not getting the wrong idea -- yet. I have quite a few suggestions:
Third line: Omit "train" -- no need to repeat.
wouldn't be another for over an hour.
Second paragraph: Omit "damp" -- Mist is damp.
Hyphen: "shoulder-length"
Suggest: Her attractive figure, obvious even under the raincoat, kept his attention.
Omit passive voice & combine sentences: He needed to make a quick decision,
continue to the train or cross to her side of the street.
Suggest: He realized he was staring at her, but he didn't care.
Suggest reorganize paragraph: He hoped to make eye contact. As he approached
her, he realized he didn't know what to say; no cute ice breaker came to
mind. After all, he didn't usually chase women on the street. His mind raced
back and forth; this venture suddenly seemed like a bad idea but only for a
moment. Oh, damn, he didn't want to fumble this meeting. The chill
returned.
Suggest: He walked up to her and stopped. Before he could say a word, she spoke.
"Hello, stranger. You didn't waste a moment beating a path over to me." She
was smiling.
Suggest no assignation. "I didn't realize I was that obvious."
Suggest: Silently, they looked each other over, then made eye contact.
'I'm Dan Harris."
"I'm Shirley."
Suggest: Seizing the opportunity to be clever he punned, "'Shirely' you have a last
name."
Suggest [sentences seem long]: Realizing no last name was forthcoming, he moved
on. "What's a beautiful woman doing on a street corner on such a cold
evening?"
Suggest: She smirked. "Perhaps I'm a street walker trying to make a buck."
Omit: Dan leaned back speechless.-- They are still standing so he probably isn't
leaning back.
Suggest: To his startled look, she laughed out loud. "Got you with that one."
Omit: "They both chuckled," because she's already laughing.
Suggest: His expression relaxed and she continued. "I enjoy the cold weather. It
makes warming up all the better."
Suggest: Yes[in Italics], he thought, [Italics]I hit myself on the head with a hammer
because it felt so good when I stopped. He said instead, "Any suggestions
on how two cold people could warm up?"
Suggest: Shirley batted her eyelashes. "A glass of wine would be a good start."
It's not clear who yells, "Taxi!" Could omit and just start with: They jumped into
a cab, and she issued the address of a nearby pub. He was enjoying her
flirty personality and loved her easygoing smile. It didn't hurt that she
was attractive.[Could say "pretty" or "gorgeous". -- omit "very" -- it poses
as a strengthening word but it weakens.]
Suggest: table for two near a roaring fireplace--near enough to warm them, as
they shed their coats and he looked her over like a fox in the chicken
coup.
"Down, boy," she ordered him, "at least wait for the wine."
Suggest: For two hours their talk was about life in general but nothing personal;
Shirley cleverly avoided such topics. After two hours, Dan suggested going
someplace else.
"Wherever would we go?" she asked. "My place?"
"That sounds great", Dan quickly replied, "assuming you live nearby and
have wine."
[Suggest tightening up the ending to make it stronger.]
"You pay the check," she directed, heading for the door, "and I'll hail a cab."
In the name of speed, Dan handed the waiter cash, then grabbed his coat.
Once outside, Shirley was nowhere in sight.
Suggest not asking if he'd been dumped. Reader knows he's been dumped &
last line will be stronger and more ironic.
He had also missed his train.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2019
  |
Hi Lance,
I like this story about attraction and man-woman meetings. I especially like the line about not getting the wrong idea -- yet. I have quite a few suggestions:
Third line: Omit "train" -- no need to repeat.
wouldn't be another for over an hour.
Second paragraph: Omit "damp" -- Mist is damp.
Hyphen: "shoulder-length"
Suggest: Her attractive figure, obvious even under the raincoat, kept his attention.
Omit passive voice & combine sentences: He needed to make a quick decision,
continue to the train or cross to her side of the street.
Suggest: He realized he was staring at her, but he didn't care.
Suggest reorganize paragraph: He hoped to make eye contact. As he approached
her, he realized he didn't know what to say; no cute ice breaker came to
mind. After all, he didn't usually chase women on the street. His mind raced
back and forth; this venture suddenly seemed like a bad idea but only for a
moment. Oh, damn, he didn't want to fumble this meeting. The chill
returned.
Suggest: He walked up to her and stopped. Before he could say a word, she spoke.
"Hello, stranger. You didn't waste a moment beating a path over to me." She
was smiling.
Suggest no assignation. "I didn't realize I was that obvious."
Suggest: Silently, they looked each other over, then made eye contact.
'I'm Dan Harris."
"I'm Shirley."
Suggest: Seizing the opportunity to be clever he punned, "'Shirely' you have a last
name."
Suggest [sentences seem long]: Realizing no last name was forthcoming, he moved
on. "What's a beautiful woman doing on a street corner on such a cold
evening?"
Suggest: She smirked. "Perhaps I'm a street walker trying to make a buck."
Omit: Dan leaned back speechless.-- They are still standing so he probably isn't
leaning back.
Suggest: To his startled look, she laughed out loud. "Got you with that one."
Omit: "They both chuckled," because she's already laughing.
Suggest: His expression relaxed and she continued. "I enjoy the cold weather. It
makes warming up all the better."
Suggest: Yes[in Italics], he thought, [Italics]I hit myself on the head with a hammer
because it felt so good when I stopped. He said instead, "Any suggestions
on how two cold people could warm up?"
Suggest: Shirley batted her eyelashes. "A glass of wine would be a good start."
It's not clear who yells, "Taxi!" Could omit and just start with: They jumped into
a cab, and she issued the address of a nearby pub. He was enjoying her
flirty personality and loved her easygoing smile. It didn't hurt that she
was attractive.[Could say "pretty" or "gorgeous". -- omit "very" -- it poses
as a strengthening word but it weakens.]
Suggest: table for two near a roaring fireplace--near enough to warm them, as
they shed their coats and he looked her over like a fox in the chicken
coup.
"Down, boy," she ordered him, "at least wait for the wine."
Suggest: For two hours their talk was about life in general but nothing personal;
Shirley cleverly avoided such topics. After two hours, Dan suggested going
someplace else.
"Wherever would we go?" she asked. "My place?"
"That sounds great", Dan quickly replied, "assuming you live nearby and
have wine."
[Suggest tightening up the ending to make it stronger.]
"You pay the check," she directed, heading for the door, "and I'll hail a cab."
In the name of speed, Dan handed the waiter cash, then grabbed his coat.
Once outside, Shirley was nowhere in sight.
Suggest not asking if he'd been dumped. Reader knows he's been dumped &
last line will be stronger and more ironic.
He had also missed his train.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2019
-
Thank you. I?ll begin work on your edits and suggestions.
Comment from Rikki66
In the time of 'me too,' it would be said that Dan got what he deserved for crossing boundaries without invitation. the story is well written and presented
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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In the time of 'me too,' it would be said that Dan got what he deserved for crossing boundaries without invitation. the story is well written and presented
Comment Written 24-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
-
Thank you
-
welcome
Comment from Wabigoon
Hi Lance--
I liked this. I hope it hasn't happened to you! My only problem with it is I think you explain Dan's dilemma at the end too much. Seems to me all you need to say is "Shirley was nowhere in sight. Dan had missed the last train home." Maybe we need to know if there is a wife waiting for him at home? Seems to me, too, that the story could have some further legs to it.
Thanks
Wabigoon
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
|
Hi Lance--
I liked this. I hope it hasn't happened to you! My only problem with it is I think you explain Dan's dilemma at the end too much. Seems to me all you need to say is "Shirley was nowhere in sight. Dan had missed the last train home." Maybe we need to know if there is a wife waiting for him at home? Seems to me, too, that the story could have some further legs to it.
Thanks
Wabigoon
Comment Written 24-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
-
Thank you for the review and suggestions.
Comment from Artasylum
This feels like it was a true to life adventure Lance Loria... if so, good for you kiddo... very nicely done and looking forward to more of your adventures... yours, diana
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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This feels like it was a true to life adventure Lance Loria... if so, good for you kiddo... very nicely done and looking forward to more of your adventures... yours, diana
Comment Written 24-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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Fictional (this time). Thanks for the review.
Comment from S.M.E.Schultz
Very intriguing...no personal information about either of them but lots of possibilities run through the reader's head. One small typo- 2nd last sentence para 1 - should be "out" . It would be easier to read if you separate all the dialogue in paragraph 5...just makes the form consistent. Too bad he missed the train!
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
|
Very intriguing...no personal information about either of them but lots of possibilities run through the reader's head. One small typo- 2nd last sentence para 1 - should be "out" . It would be easier to read if you separate all the dialogue in paragraph 5...just makes the form consistent. Too bad he missed the train!
Comment Written 24-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
-
Thank you. I was editing it while you read it. I appreciate the detail edits.
Comment from Shirley McLain
This gave me a laugh. it served him right for picking up a stranger. This was a good story and as you can tell I enjoyed reading it. I didn't find a thing wrong. Great job.
Shirley
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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This gave me a laugh. it served him right for picking up a stranger. This was a good story and as you can tell I enjoyed reading it. I didn't find a thing wrong. Great job.
Shirley
Comment Written 24-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
-
Thanks for the review.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Well, certainly sounds like Dan just taken for a ride, but not on the bus....
Nice fun piece.
few things I jotted down as I read through-
You have three sentences in the first short paragraph all starting with 'He', might want to look at that.
Sometimes things don't work our as planned.- out rather than our here.
As he closed the distance he took careful note to confirm she was alone. - perhaps a comma after distance.
He was staring at her, but didn't care. - no need for the comma here.
In fact he hoped to make eye contact with her. - comma after fact.
. As he approached her he suddenly realized he didn't know what to say. - should probably have a comma after her.
He walked up to her and stopped facing her and before he could say a word she smiled and said, "Hello stranger, you didn't waste a moment beating a path over to me."- the section starting with this sentence would maybe be better if you inserted a clear line between all paragraphs.
they took the opportunity to look over each other and back eye to eye. - this scans a little awkwardly.
"I'm Dan Harris"- need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
the shadows on a street corner on a cold weather evening. - you could omit weather from this line and lose nothing.
She laughed out loud. "Got you with that one," - full stop / period rather than a comma before the closing speech marks.
Probably be a good idea to insert clear lines between the paragraphs in that last section as well.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
 |
Hi there,
Well, certainly sounds like Dan just taken for a ride, but not on the bus....
Nice fun piece.
few things I jotted down as I read through-
You have three sentences in the first short paragraph all starting with 'He', might want to look at that.
Sometimes things don't work our as planned.- out rather than our here.
As he closed the distance he took careful note to confirm she was alone. - perhaps a comma after distance.
He was staring at her, but didn't care. - no need for the comma here.
In fact he hoped to make eye contact with her. - comma after fact.
. As he approached her he suddenly realized he didn't know what to say. - should probably have a comma after her.
He walked up to her and stopped facing her and before he could say a word she smiled and said, "Hello stranger, you didn't waste a moment beating a path over to me."- the section starting with this sentence would maybe be better if you inserted a clear line between all paragraphs.
they took the opportunity to look over each other and back eye to eye. - this scans a little awkwardly.
"I'm Dan Harris"- need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
the shadows on a street corner on a cold weather evening. - you could omit weather from this line and lose nothing.
She laughed out loud. "Got you with that one," - full stop / period rather than a comma before the closing speech marks.
Probably be a good idea to insert clear lines between the paragraphs in that last section as well.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
-
I really appreciate your detail review and recommendations. I?ll get busy on them. Thanks.
Comment from Sanku
i liked this very much. Clever female ,smartly sharing an evening with a man and then disappearing.She could just be scared of being alone and wanted someone's company Who knows? intriguing.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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i liked this very much. Clever female ,smartly sharing an evening with a man and then disappearing.She could just be scared of being alone and wanted someone's company Who knows? intriguing.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2019
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Thank you.
Comment from JudyE
Oh dear, what a sad ending. I wonder where she went? More chapters would be good.
I picked up a few spags.
The shed their coats - They shed..
He looked her over slowly like fox looking at chickens - like a fox....?
nothing really persona - really personal
Have a great day.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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Oh dear, what a sad ending. I wonder where she went? More chapters would be good.
I picked up a few spags.
The shed their coats - They shed..
He looked her over slowly like fox looking at chickens - like a fox....?
nothing really persona - really personal
Have a great day.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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Thanks for your findings and for the review.
Comment from Colin John
This is a well written story and it kept my attention throughout . I could find no spags and wish you well with developing new characters if need be.
Kind Regards John
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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This is a well written story and it kept my attention throughout . I could find no spags and wish you well with developing new characters if need be.
Kind Regards John
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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Thank you!!
