The Convict Train
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "The Devils Tornado"Levi escorts a train full of dangerous convicts
6 total reviews
Comment from royowen
Kyle, John Barnabus and Joseph Patterson are searching the Blackurn property for Samuel Blackburn, when they are confronted by the property foreman and six hidden ranch hands, the foreman says Sam is estranged from his family. They work out there might be trouble at the Seatco prison, Barnabus promises they will be gone before sunup. Good episode, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : He saw (butterfly's) butterflies? 2: he's the bosse('s) son.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2019
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Kyle, John Barnabus and Joseph Patterson are searching the Blackurn property for Samuel Blackburn, when they are confronted by the property foreman and six hidden ranch hands, the foreman says Sam is estranged from his family. They work out there might be trouble at the Seatco prison, Barnabus promises they will be gone before sunup. Good episode, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : He saw (butterfly's) butterflies? 2: he's the bosse('s) son.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2019
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Thank you royowen, for your kind review. I have been bouncing on and off of this computer for short periods of time, as I am also trying to put everything in order so I can retire by the end of June. I have found it to be more involved than I thought it would be. I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner.
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Well done
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Larry,
Your writing continues to improve. I think this is a natural progression as you go from a 'reader' to a writer, and you grow more comfortable with structuring sentences.
This chapter was interesting and you created some vivid imagery here. In addition to the notes below, I urge you to read some of your favorite writing and pay attention to how things are phrased, and organized. This will help you put this story together.
a few notes:
...John Barnabus once again looked at the map Sheriff Cooley and his deputy providedNO comma needed before they left Olympia. In the construction of this sentence, the word 'before' denotes the beginning of a 'dependent clause.' When a compound sentence has dependent components, there is NO need for commas at the conjoining words.
...Kyle looked at the flat rocks along the bank of the streamNO comma needed and listened to... This is a tougher concept for me to explain - you have a compound predicate here and the comma was splitting it - something that shouldn't be done.
The rules for punctuation in quotations are predicated on speech tags and action tags. For instance, in this sentence: "We must be getting into some grazing land then." Paterson said. The use of the period at the end of the quote is incorrect. A comma is used and is placed INSIDE of the quotation marks because you've used a speech tag. There are several instances of this same problem within your text.
Hope this helps,
~patty~
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2020
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Hi, Larry,
Your writing continues to improve. I think this is a natural progression as you go from a 'reader' to a writer, and you grow more comfortable with structuring sentences.
This chapter was interesting and you created some vivid imagery here. In addition to the notes below, I urge you to read some of your favorite writing and pay attention to how things are phrased, and organized. This will help you put this story together.
a few notes:
...John Barnabus once again looked at the map Sheriff Cooley and his deputy providedNO comma needed before they left Olympia. In the construction of this sentence, the word 'before' denotes the beginning of a 'dependent clause.' When a compound sentence has dependent components, there is NO need for commas at the conjoining words.
...Kyle looked at the flat rocks along the bank of the streamNO comma needed and listened to... This is a tougher concept for me to explain - you have a compound predicate here and the comma was splitting it - something that shouldn't be done.
The rules for punctuation in quotations are predicated on speech tags and action tags. For instance, in this sentence: "We must be getting into some grazing land then." Paterson said. The use of the period at the end of the quote is incorrect. A comma is used and is placed INSIDE of the quotation marks because you've used a speech tag. There are several instances of this same problem within your text.
Hope this helps,
~patty~
Comment Written 20-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2020
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Patty, I have been terrible about keeping up on my fanstory page, and my reviews. In June of 2019 my wife retired and in July I retired. This was a busy time. Since then I have been adjusting to retirement, and finishing this book. It was published on April 4th of 2020, thanks to good people like you. I went back and re-read my book so many times, but it is now finished and on Amazon. I am sorry for not getting back to you regarding this review. I have been lost in the path of life for a while. I just wanted to say thank you for all of the help you have provided. Take care, and happy holiday's. Mr. Green
Comment from poetwatch
Thank you Mister Green I like the ride so far. The way you describe the scenery when Kyle was watering the horses. Yeah, the woods is beautiful but dangerous. I like the way you write in the characters. This is a good story. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
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Thank you Mister Green I like the ride so far. The way you describe the scenery when Kyle was watering the horses. Yeah, the woods is beautiful but dangerous. I like the way you write in the characters. This is a good story. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
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Thank you for your review, I am very glad to hear from you. I do hope you will continue the story to see how it ends. Mr. Green
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I was afraid for our trio for a bit there. I thought for sure the outlaws were the one's they had found at that cabin. Your imagery is just beautiful Larry. I always love that about your writing. I miss riding and being out on the range. They must hurry now to stop a prison break. Will they make it in time? Nancy:)
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I was afraid for our trio for a bit there. I thought for sure the outlaws were the one's they had found at that cabin. Your imagery is just beautiful Larry. I always love that about your writing. I miss riding and being out on the range. They must hurry now to stop a prison break. Will they make it in time? Nancy:)
Comment Written 17-Mar-2019
Comment from Shirley McLain
Good chapter that I enjoyed reading. I did not see anything that would need changing. Your characters are strong and the dialogue is good. Have a great afternoon. Shirley
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
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Good chapter that I enjoyed reading. I did not see anything that would need changing. Your characters are strong and the dialogue is good. Have a great afternoon. Shirley
Comment Written 17-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
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Shirley, wow! I am not retired yet, so every now and then I find that life still gets in the way, and here I am once again, trying catch up on my review responses. Thank you very much for yours. I should have gotten back to you sooner.
Comment from Bill Pinder
That's some good down-home, Western writing. You did a good job of making it believable and I look forward to the rest of the story. I like the image of the devils tornado.
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
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That's some good down-home, Western writing. You did a good job of making it believable and I look forward to the rest of the story. I like the image of the devils tornado.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
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Bill, I am not retired yet, and I still find that life gets in the way of my review responses. I am sorry, I should have gotten back to you sooner. I did a lot of research regarding this transfer of inmates. The first convicts to arrive at the Washington Territorial Prison (that does in fact set just outside the city of Walla Walla), did arrive by train. Today, this would be the Washington State Penitentiary. These convicts did arrive from the Seatco Penitentiary. Since this is a fictional story, I have taken some artistic privileges. I hope you enjoy the the story. Mr. Green
