Eyes on You
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Defeated"Tommy tries to rescue their family.
9 total reviews
Comment from krprice
Excellent post. Great car chase.
Vinnie and. . . Last sentence--Delete 'that was'
Strange that the person in the accident may be a donor to save Jen's life. However, Tommy may still end up in jail.
Karlene
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2019
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Excellent post. Great car chase.
Vinnie and. . . Last sentence--Delete 'that was'
Strange that the person in the accident may be a donor to save Jen's life. However, Tommy may still end up in jail.
Karlene
Comment Written 05-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2019
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Thank you so much for reading my chapter, I'm thrilled that you enjoyed it. More action like this will be coming up soon. Thank you so much for catching my mistake. It sounds a lot better without all the extra.
Fate works in strange ways. Lets just home he and Jen are a match.
Thank you again for your wonderful review, your encouragement, and friendship, take care.
PS. Are you going to post another story soon?
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No, I won't be posting anything for a while. I am having spine surgery on Thursday and will be spending time recovering from that.
Karlene
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I hope it goes well. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Melissa,
Your storyline has a great deal of potential. Your storytelling talents are firmly in place, but the actual writing could use some help with the mechanics.
a few notes:
'Finding out his pregnant wife Jen needs a heart transplant, and he needs $10,000 for her aftercare Tommy turns to a life of crime.' I might rewrite this sentence. If you break it up into more than one sentence, each element has more weight and contributes to the story in a bigger way.
' With an del>Aalibi for the time of the murders+, he's released.' Alibi doesn't need to be capitalized in this context. The comma is needed after murders because the words preceding it are an introductory phrase.
'Realizing they'd been found he and the crewruns run for the back door.' The subject of the sentence is plural, so it needs the plural form of the verb, which is 'run,' and not 'runs.'
'The door to her room slides open, several staff members race towards her.' This sentence needs to be rewritten. Currently, you have a plural subject, so the verb should be 'races.' It would read horribly. Perhaps, The door to her room slid open and several staff members raced towards her.
'...The crew grabsa hold of the closest secured...' The article 'a' doesn't belong here because it's not needed.'
'He grabsa hold of the first nurse he sees.' I think you are writing the phrase the way it is often said. In writing a narrative, we need to use the correct form and sentence structure.
'I just spoke to the doctor+, and he said you need a transplant soon."' In this compound sentence, you are joining two independent clauses with the conjunction 'and.' Therefore, it needs the comma before it.
'The nurse walks over to the doctor as hecontnues continues across the hall.' Misspelled words are easily caught by a spell-check or reading the piece OUT LOUD. You will notice the misspellings before you post.
In the Creative Writing class I teach, I urge my students to read their pieces out loud, and then after leaving the piece to sit for a bit, start at the bottom of the piece and analyze each sentence. The tools I give them for this analysis come from a style guide, 'Elements of Style 2017,' as well as several sheets I created for them. (They come directly from the pieces I posted on FS last year about sentence construction.)
KEEP WRITING--flexing that muscle and continuing to learn is the best way to develop the skills you want to have.
~MP~
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019
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Hi, Melissa,
Your storyline has a great deal of potential. Your storytelling talents are firmly in place, but the actual writing could use some help with the mechanics.
a few notes:
'Finding out his pregnant wife Jen needs a heart transplant, and he needs $10,000 for her aftercare Tommy turns to a life of crime.' I might rewrite this sentence. If you break it up into more than one sentence, each element has more weight and contributes to the story in a bigger way.
' With an del>Aalibi for the time of the murders+, he's released.' Alibi doesn't need to be capitalized in this context. The comma is needed after murders because the words preceding it are an introductory phrase.
'Realizing they'd been found he and the crew
'The door to her room slides open, several staff members race towards her.' This sentence needs to be rewritten. Currently, you have a plural subject, so the verb should be 'races.' It would read horribly. Perhaps, The door to her room slid open and several staff members raced towards her.
'...The crew grabs
'He grabs
'I just spoke to the doctor+, and he said you need a transplant soon."' In this compound sentence, you are joining two independent clauses with the conjunction 'and.' Therefore, it needs the comma before it.
'The nurse walks over to the doctor as he
In the Creative Writing class I teach, I urge my students to read their pieces out loud, and then after leaving the piece to sit for a bit, start at the bottom of the piece and analyze each sentence. The tools I give them for this analysis come from a style guide, 'Elements of Style 2017,' as well as several sheets I created for them. (They come directly from the pieces I posted on FS last year about sentence construction.)
KEEP WRITING--flexing that muscle and continuing to learn is the best way to develop the skills you want to have.
~MP~
Comment Written 02-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your review and your helpful advice. I've reworded the entire summary. So it now reads like this:
Tommy is told that his pregnant wife Jen?s condition is declining and that the only thing that?ll save her is a heart transplant. He?s then informed the hospital requires $10,000 for her aftercare. Being denied financial assistance, Tommy turns to a life of crime; robbing houses, and then selling the stolen goods for cash. He and his two friends are in the middle of a job when the owners returns. The police question Tommy, releasing him soon after. Tommy is attacked by a dog trying to rob a house on his own. He discovers three dead bodies when he makes it inside. Tommy grabs the contents of the safe and flees. The neighbor informs the police of his escape. He's taken to the station for the second time. With an alibi for the time of the murders, he's released. The doctor informs him that Jen needs the operation within a week. In great desperation, he asks Hernandez for his job back. A job he supported himself with until he was old enough to get a legitimate job. Tommy managed to evade the law at a job site and then again at his friend's house. Wanting to make sure he had enough money for Jen's care, he tries to pull another heist. Realizing they'd been found he and the crew run for the back door.
I do have a question about a suggestion. You suggested slid but isn't that the past tense of slide?
Thank you again for your helpful review it's how I learn and grow as a writer.
Comment from HealingMuse
Hi Misty,
This is a really intriguing story with lots of action and emotion. It is very well written.
Only one small offering:
""As you can see, The mortality rate is rather ..."
"The" shouldn't be capped.
Thanks for sharing. I am looking forward to the next chapter.
Jan
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019
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Hi Misty,
This is a really intriguing story with lots of action and emotion. It is very well written.
Only one small offering:
""As you can see, The mortality rate is rather ..."
"The" shouldn't be capped.
Thanks for sharing. I am looking forward to the next chapter.
Jan
Comment Written 02-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019
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Thank you so much for reading my chapter, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you catching that mistake. I do hope you come back to see if Jen gets her operation and to find out if Tommy is captured.
Thank you again for your kind review, take care.
Comment from royowen
Well done with this one, lots of "stuff" going on. Just loved it. Lots of suspense, there's lots going on concerning stem cell research, poor Jen, will she be OK? And Vinnie, will he be Ok? Well done. Good writen it, good job, blessjngs, Roy
Typo : (Varries) machines are bleeping.2: on his life (last the time) the last time? 3: he nervously reposition(s) himself... I think you mean Vinne in the last paragraph, you said "keeping him alive" Regards.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2019
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Well done with this one, lots of "stuff" going on. Just loved it. Lots of suspense, there's lots going on concerning stem cell research, poor Jen, will she be OK? And Vinnie, will he be Ok? Well done. Good writen it, good job, blessjngs, Roy
Typo : (Varries) machines are bleeping.2: on his life (last the time) the last time? 3: he nervously reposition(s) himself... I think you mean Vinne in the last paragraph, you said "keeping him alive" Regards.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2019
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Thank you so much for your helpful review, I'm so glad you enjoyed. Will everyone be alright? I hope so, but it's what ever Tommy and Jen decide. They're telling the story, I'm just their typist. There are times when it really seems like that, that they're dictating the story to me.
Thank you again for all your help, your support and friendship it means the world to me, take care.
Wait, I do have a question about one of your typo's you said I think you mean Vinne in the last paragraph, you said "keeping him alive" Is this the very last paragraph of the story? If so, I didn't say who on purpose, wanted to keep you guys wondering who the lone survivor is. It might just be Tommy, he was part of the robbery too.
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No, but it seemed to follow the Jen episode, I was wondering if indeed you meant Her, but you said him, have a look, that's what I meant, it wasn't clear if it was male or female. Roy
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I think I understand what you. So I added to. Does this help? The nurse walks over to the doctor as he continues across the hall. "Doctor, two detectives want to talk to you about the patient you consulted on in the ED, the man from the motor vehicle accident."
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That's clear now. Well done
Comment from Ulla
Hi Misty, I certainly hope that it is Tommy who survived, but we'll see. Meanwhile poor Jen is struggling for her life.I certainly hope the new treatment will save her. So many questions. I'll have to wait until you post more of the story. All best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2019
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Hi Misty, I certainly hope that it is Tommy who survived, but we'll see. Meanwhile poor Jen is struggling for her life.I certainly hope the new treatment will save her. So many questions. I'll have to wait until you post more of the story. All best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 27-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2019
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Thank you so much for your fabulous review, I'm glad the story line is keeping you intrigued. You'll have the answers to all your questions soon.
Thank you again for your great review, all your support and friendship, it means the world to me, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Exciting chapter. I'm guessing it's Tommy who survived, but just barely. Jen is still alive, thankfully. I am hoping the stem cell treatment will work so that she can recover. Then Tommy may recover, but will go to prison. He won't care, as long as Jen is okay. We'll see how good my guessing is...
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2019
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Exciting chapter. I'm guessing it's Tommy who survived, but just barely. Jen is still alive, thankfully. I am hoping the stem cell treatment will work so that she can recover. Then Tommy may recover, but will go to prison. He won't care, as long as Jen is okay. We'll see how good my guessing is...
Comment Written 27-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2019
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Thank you for your great review I'm so glad you enjoyed it. You're the second one that thinks Tommy is going to be the donor, it's possible. Yeah Tommy has already said going to jail will be worth saving Jen's life.
Thank you again for your great review, all your help, support and friendship, take care.
Comment from KatyM
You did a great job with the car chase! Wow! This was an exciting chapter. Glad you didn't kill off Tommy! Oh because I shortened this message I have to add more to it! Lol
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2019
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You did a great job with the car chase! Wow! This was an exciting chapter. Glad you didn't kill off Tommy! Oh because I shortened this message I have to add more to it! Lol
Comment Written 27-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2019
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Thank you for your fantastic review, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. They think Jimmy is Tommy. the doctor called him Mr. Campbell and Jimmy didn't correct him. Jen could give them permission to talk to Jimmy whether he's a relative or not. You think her donor is going to be Tommy, could be.
Thank you again for such a marvelous review, all your help, support and friendship, it means a lot to me, take care.
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Oh ok..ya got me there! lol Can't wait till your next chapter!
Comment from country ranch writer
With Tommy on the run who was the one in the hospital on life support? I hope Tommy can get out of trouble with kids to be taken care of and Jen and her condition lingering in the balance.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2019
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With Tommy on the run who was the one in the hospital on life support? I hope Tommy can get out of trouble with kids to be taken care of and Jen and her condition lingering in the balance.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2019
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Thank you for your great review. Is Tommy on the run, was he killed in the accident, or maybe he's the one on life support? Stay tuned to find out. You're right poor Jen's health is declining quickly.
Thank you again for all your support and your friendship, take care.
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According to your last write you said he escaped so he cant be in the care that got smashed. So I am hoping he can get clear away
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Are you talking about the chapter before this one? If so I left off where he says "Cops run." heading towards the back. When you said that I thought did I forget what I wrote, lol.
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The cops said he had got away before they got there
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Rachel said tommy has already gotten away in the report she got so how could he be still there
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Rachel said tommy has already gotten away in the report she got so how could he be still there
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Oh now I understand. He did get away from that. Then the dummy decides to rob another house with Vinnie and his crew. Tommy is snooping around the front room when he sees the cops. He yells run and heads towards the back. I then go into Vinnie and the crew trying to flee in Vinnie's jeep. I need to add that to my summary, don't I?
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Yep I thought Tommy got away Scot free
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This is what I added do you think it'll help?
Tommy managed to evade the law at a job and then again at his friend's house. Wanting to make sure he had enough money for Jen's care, he tries to pull another heist. Realizing they'd been found he and the crew runs for the back door.
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better
Comment from ciliverde
What a sad situation in this story, that a man has to turn to crime to pay for his wife's serious health problems. It really is a crime that serious health issues can bring financial ruin to a family. I look forward to reading more of your story,
Carol
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2019
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What a sad situation in this story, that a man has to turn to crime to pay for his wife's serious health problems. It really is a crime that serious health issues can bring financial ruin to a family. I look forward to reading more of your story,
Carol
Comment Written 27-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2019
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Thank you for your kind review, I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. Tommy was doing the wrong thing for good reason. He knew it was wrong, but was willing to sacrifice his own life to save hers.
Thank you again for your great review, take care.
