Redemption II
Viewing comments for Prologue "Lance is back"Lance is back
27 total reviews
Comment from Maria Millsaps
Excellent reintroducing where you left off in the last writing. It keeps us all in suspends of what this Lance is going to do next, but most importantly, how he has gotten more wicked in his redemption.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2019
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Excellent reintroducing where you left off in the last writing. It keeps us all in suspends of what this Lance is going to do next, but most importantly, how he has gotten more wicked in his redemption.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your review and rating. I am glad you are interested in what will happen with Lance. Stay tune, because I don't even know what is going to happen with Lance. Thank you for reading.
Comment from AngelineMelin
Hi Writer, this is good, and I enjoy the premise. I have read another chapter, if my memory serves me well, and this is a strong additional one. I haved edited it a little, but you can choose not to take the edits on board, but I did have a tinker as I read through.
Edited Version:
Two years ago with Susie's help Detective Case trapped Lance in the mirror. Susie Morrell decides to move in with Detective Robert Case. Susie was involved with him, for the last two years. During the packing up of Susie's place, her friend Donna cracked the lower right corner of the mirror before it was put in the box. Susie should have buried the mirror, but couldn't because she couldn't let go of Lance.
Lance can exit through that broken corner. Susie and Robert don't know this fact. Robert believes the mirror is buried. But Lance will come after them with the full force of redemption. Susie starts to see Lance in her nightmares until the nightmares become a reality.
Lance is in the mirror, but the mirror is cracked. The mirror may be in a box in a storage unit, but with the broken corner, he can still escape. Lance takes his time with what he considers the redemption that is owed to him by his wife. He realises he completed his redemption last time with the salesmen too quickly, and this created questions. This time there will be no questions only redemption.
By not burying the mirror, Susie sealed her fate, and possibly the fate of others. Susie may have loved Lance with her heart and soul and would do anything for him, Two years later that is not the case anymore, and Lance knows it, feeling betrayed. The truth is, the power of evil never dies, it transforms.
The reason for the four is passive voice and some clutter. Words like 'just' are not necessary and often tell a publisher the writing is immature. Also, has sealed, is passive, just ditch the 'has', and say 'Susie sealed her fate'. And 'Lance will be coming' is also passive, just try 'Lance will come after them...' etc. And as far as excess words go, the less is more theory is never so true as with writing. To quote one of my favorites, Heminway says of writing, 'it is like life with the boring bits taken out.'
I also think a bit more world building for the reader would be good. Even if you flesh out the bones during a final edit, but any litttle bit about the mirror is adding to this creation of your imagination. I often close my eyes and imagine it, because if you see it in your minds eye, you can then write what you see.
Hope that helps, and I found this a good story which held my attention and if you are chasing stars, get back to me when you remove those few useless words and some passive voice and it will be my pleasure to change the rating, cheers, Angeline.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2019
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Hi Writer, this is good, and I enjoy the premise. I have read another chapter, if my memory serves me well, and this is a strong additional one. I haved edited it a little, but you can choose not to take the edits on board, but I did have a tinker as I read through.
Edited Version:
Two years ago with Susie's help Detective Case trapped Lance in the mirror. Susie Morrell decides to move in with Detective Robert Case. Susie was involved with him, for the last two years. During the packing up of Susie's place, her friend Donna cracked the lower right corner of the mirror before it was put in the box. Susie should have buried the mirror, but couldn't because she couldn't let go of Lance.
Lance can exit through that broken corner. Susie and Robert don't know this fact. Robert believes the mirror is buried. But Lance will come after them with the full force of redemption. Susie starts to see Lance in her nightmares until the nightmares become a reality.
Lance is in the mirror, but the mirror is cracked. The mirror may be in a box in a storage unit, but with the broken corner, he can still escape. Lance takes his time with what he considers the redemption that is owed to him by his wife. He realises he completed his redemption last time with the salesmen too quickly, and this created questions. This time there will be no questions only redemption.
By not burying the mirror, Susie sealed her fate, and possibly the fate of others. Susie may have loved Lance with her heart and soul and would do anything for him, Two years later that is not the case anymore, and Lance knows it, feeling betrayed. The truth is, the power of evil never dies, it transforms.
The reason for the four is passive voice and some clutter. Words like 'just' are not necessary and often tell a publisher the writing is immature. Also, has sealed, is passive, just ditch the 'has', and say 'Susie sealed her fate'. And 'Lance will be coming' is also passive, just try 'Lance will come after them...' etc. And as far as excess words go, the less is more theory is never so true as with writing. To quote one of my favorites, Heminway says of writing, 'it is like life with the boring bits taken out.'
I also think a bit more world building for the reader would be good. Even if you flesh out the bones during a final edit, but any litttle bit about the mirror is adding to this creation of your imagination. I often close my eyes and imagine it, because if you see it in your minds eye, you can then write what you see.
Hope that helps, and I found this a good story which held my attention and if you are chasing stars, get back to me when you remove those few useless words and some passive voice and it will be my pleasure to change the rating, cheers, Angeline.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your review and rating. I always love critique type of input/review. This is the type of review that has helped me become a better writer. I will take your recommendations and place them where needed. Thank you so much for pointing these things out. Thank you for reading.
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I placed all of your recommendations except one. I didn't like the but in the beginning of the sentence.Thank you for your input and for reading.
Comment from Candace Nola
Intriguing start. Makes me curious enough to want to seek out your first novel. I did not notice any errors. This does read more like a synopsis rather than a prologue so maybe a few tweaks there? Overall , well written and draws the reader in.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2019
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Intriguing start. Makes me curious enough to want to seek out your first novel. I did not notice any errors. This does read more like a synopsis rather than a prologue so maybe a few tweaks there? Overall , well written and draws the reader in.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your review and your rating. I a glad this has you seeking out the first book. The chapters from the first book are in my portfolio if you are interested in reading. I am trying to get it published at this time. Thank you for reading.
Comment from Lobber
I find two major weaknesses with your writing:
- too many passive verbs
- text that offer little excitement
I will offer some rewrites as how to fix and improve
PASSIVE:
It's been two years since Susie helped Detective Case trap Lance into the mirror.
ACTIVE
Two years ago Detective Case with Susie's help trapped Lance in the mirror.
PASSIVE
Hi Susie Morrell has become involved with Detective Robert Case and is moving in with him.
ACTIVE
Susie decided to move in with Case after becoming involved with him.
How about engaging the reader bit adding some previous dialogue to sex it up. This makes the text less flat and robotic:
EXAMPLE
Susie strokes Cash's as she whispers, "Don't you think I should move in"
Cash kisses her the breast, "I'll get another key cut tomorrow."
I hope you get my points. Also, the web offers many free "passivity" checkers.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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I find two major weaknesses with your writing:
- too many passive verbs
- text that offer little excitement
I will offer some rewrites as how to fix and improve
PASSIVE:
It's been two years since Susie helped Detective Case trap Lance into the mirror.
ACTIVE
Two years ago Detective Case with Susie's help trapped Lance in the mirror.
PASSIVE
Hi Susie Morrell has become involved with Detective Robert Case and is moving in with him.
ACTIVE
Susie decided to move in with Case after becoming involved with him.
How about engaging the reader bit adding some previous dialogue to sex it up. This makes the text less flat and robotic:
EXAMPLE
Susie strokes Cash's as she whispers, "Don't you think I should move in"
Cash kisses her the breast, "I'll get another key cut tomorrow."
I hope you get my points. Also, the web offers many free "passivity" checkers.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your review and rating. Thank you for pointing those things out. I have a problem with the passive and active, but I am getting better with it. I will take your recommendations into consideration, and make changes. Thank you for reading.
Comment from Raul1
This is some creepy horror story. It scares the beejeezess out of me. Creepy is what this expresses. Excellent story! Sounds like a novel in the works. It sure will scare off the pants of someone. Thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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This is some creepy horror story. It scares the beejeezess out of me. Creepy is what this expresses. Excellent story! Sounds like a novel in the works. It sure will scare off the pants of someone. Thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 17-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your review and rating. I appreciate you saying this is creepy. Thank you for reading.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Colin John
Hi, very well written and i like the way you layout each section, I could not find any mistakes as i believe five stars mean. Continue the good work and i will check out your authors page.
Kind Regards Colin
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2019
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Hi, very well written and i like the way you layout each section, I could not find any mistakes as i believe five stars mean. Continue the good work and i will check out your authors page.
Kind Regards Colin
Comment Written 16-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your review and rating. I am glad you didn't find any mistakes. Thank you for reading.
Comment from Regal Bellford
First time reading anything of your writing. I love the whole idea of lance trapped in the mirror. The fact that he has an out now is suspenseful! You can see how Susie still has some feelings when she didn't burry it.
I only have one question: I am not familiar with the structure of your writings. the first two paragraphs seem like a very quick synopsis of what is going on, in fact everything does. The reason I say the first two is because the third one repeats the fact that lance is in the mirror and the mirror is cracked. The next chapter gives more info on the story. I mean, this is a fantastic story line!! i meant it! this is really really good! But, is this the actual start of the story??? Or, is this kind of like a pitch to the reviewers? It kinda seems like a pitch or a peak into what could be written, if so this is great and I get it. If it is the actual story, which I don't think it is, then I have a few suggestions. I wont write them out, because I kinda feel like it's the pitch. =)
But this is great!! you have some real talent!!!! I'm hooked.
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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First time reading anything of your writing. I love the whole idea of lance trapped in the mirror. The fact that he has an out now is suspenseful! You can see how Susie still has some feelings when she didn't burry it.
I only have one question: I am not familiar with the structure of your writings. the first two paragraphs seem like a very quick synopsis of what is going on, in fact everything does. The reason I say the first two is because the third one repeats the fact that lance is in the mirror and the mirror is cracked. The next chapter gives more info on the story. I mean, this is a fantastic story line!! i meant it! this is really really good! But, is this the actual start of the story??? Or, is this kind of like a pitch to the reviewers? It kinda seems like a pitch or a peak into what could be written, if so this is great and I get it. If it is the actual story, which I don't think it is, then I have a few suggestions. I wont write them out, because I kinda feel like it's the pitch. =)
But this is great!! you have some real talent!!!! I'm hooked.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your review and rating. This is the second book. The first one was called Redemption. It was the beginning of the story. Susie and Lancre were so in love that she brought him back when he died of a stress-induced heart attack, which was brought on by his job and coworkers. She brought him back for justice against his coworkers. I was only going to write the one book, but as I came near the end, my mind went cray thinking about a sequel. Thank you for the wonderful 6 stars. I really appreciate it. Thank you for your wonderful words of encouragement. Thank you for reading.
Comment from Pink Petals
This is a scary thought. But is it Lance or herself in the mirror, or a part of her? Shouldn't keep broken mirrors I suspect is the moral of your story. Interesting!!!
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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This is a scary thought. But is it Lance or herself in the mirror, or a part of her? Shouldn't keep broken mirrors I suspect is the moral of your story. Interesting!!!
Comment Written 15-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your review and rating. It is Lance in the mirror. This is a continuation from the book I just finished. Thank you for reading.
Comment from lucky linda
Sure grabbed my attention. Can hardly wait to see what evil Lance will bring with him when he gets out of the mirror.I hope you will describe all the characters as you go so I can catch up. Keep on writing. I like creepy and unusual too.
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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Sure grabbed my attention. Can hardly wait to see what evil Lance will bring with him when he gets out of the mirror.I hope you will describe all the characters as you go so I can catch up. Keep on writing. I like creepy and unusual too.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your review and rating. I am also waiting to see what Lance will do. I will describe my characters as I write more, because this is a sequel to the book I just finished on FanStory.
Comment from Boyce Robbins
Imaginative with revenge and carelessness. Very human. Reflections on the nature of evil are intriguing. All in all, I like it. Work could be improved by more detail of the relationship as it now stands. Also, how will the revenge be achieved. I will read the next chapter, which is a recommendation from me.
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2019
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Imaginative with revenge and carelessness. Very human. Reflections on the nature of evil are intriguing. All in all, I like it. Work could be improved by more detail of the relationship as it now stands. Also, how will the revenge be achieved. I will read the next chapter, which is a recommendation from me.
Comment Written 12-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your review and rating. I plan on showing more of the relationship and the evil in the next few chapters. I like to build things up a little at a time. Thank you for your recommendation, all is appreciated. It helps me become a better writer. Thank you for reading.
