Scarred
An idea14 total reviews
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi there,
The premise of this storyline is very interesting. You have a great way of telling a story. However, there are some technical aspects of your writing needing help.
a few notes:
'In truth+, he didn't know how the scar appeared.'
' When these explanations were challenged+, he next suggested involvement in a drunken brawl, this quickly gained credence.'
'In that sense+, he'd saved them from further agony.'
'Moreover+, it identified him.
In these four instances, you need a comma after an introductory phrase. There are more within the rest of the post.
'It served as a reminder to everything and asa motivation.'
'His ugliness took ona permanency.
The article 'a' is clumsy in this context.
'He needed a way of concealing it+.
I'm assuming this is a rough draft, so that's why these glaring errors are present. In my creative writing class, I require students to always present their best efforts. FanStory shouldn't be any different.
I look forward to reading more of your work because I enjoy your stories.
~Mustang Patty~
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Hi there,
The premise of this storyline is very interesting. You have a great way of telling a story. However, there are some technical aspects of your writing needing help.
a few notes:
'In truth+, he didn't know how the scar appeared.'
' When these explanations were challenged+, he next suggested involvement in a drunken brawl, this quickly gained credence.'
'In that sense+, he'd saved them from further agony.'
'Moreover+, it identified him.
In these four instances, you need a comma after an introductory phrase. There are more within the rest of the post.
'It served as a reminder to everything and as
'His ugliness took on
The article 'a' is clumsy in this context.
'He needed a way of concealing it+.
I'm assuming this is a rough draft, so that's why these glaring errors are present. In my creative writing class, I require students to always present their best efforts. FanStory shouldn't be any different.
I look forward to reading more of your work because I enjoy your stories.
~Mustang Patty~
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Thank you Mustang Patty. Those faults have been rectified and I thank you for pointing them out. Sometimes I'm a little careless with my punctuation. I really appreciate you taking your time to read and review my work. May 2019 bring you the success you seek. Me too, by the way.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I think this has been posted twice, I've already reviewed it, unless it went into cyber space! LOL. Any way, if it did, it was brilliant, and can't wait for the next part. Well done! :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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I think this has been posted twice, I've already reviewed it, unless it went into cyber space! LOL. Any way, if it did, it was brilliant, and can't wait for the next part. Well done! :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Sandra, my incompetence on the lap top exceeds my grasp of the Chinese language, and there my knowledge is zilch. I'll only respond to one posting.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
A tale of suffering, anger and pain, first about himself and then for his Mother. I think release from pain is what we all want whether it be physical or mental pain. Your story touches on so many human emotions and your words are delivered with tenderness and empathy, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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A tale of suffering, anger and pain, first about himself and then for his Mother. I think release from pain is what we all want whether it be physical or mental pain. Your story touches on so many human emotions and your words are delivered with tenderness and empathy, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Dolly, thank you for such a delightful review. Your perception of my character is precisely how I wanted to portray him. Interestingly, he's had a name change, he's now Clinton, not Chris Stanley. I'm hoping reasons for the change will become apparent as the story rolls on. Thank you again for taking the time to review my work.
Comment from phill doran
Hello Bob
Very good. I would suggest "Scars" as your working title. It allows the reader to contemplate the physical and the emotional scarring of the central character. just a thought.
I'd take it forward in a series of two or three blackouts after which a murder is uncovered - was it Chris or was it not? Perhaps his pursuit of the truth leads to is being him, or being another? The 'other' might be a fellow vet and, having tracked him and confronted him, Chris strangles him to save him from himself: there are multiple variations. You have a good character and a great base to leap off from.
A few points "...from a still-open grave..." I would suggest the hyphen. I also stumbled on "...From nowhere headaches attacked..." I think it requires either a comma "...From nowhere, headaches attacked..." or a reversal "..."...Headaches attacked from nowhere... These are really small points.
It'd be a pity to let this idea go as there's plenty of depth to dive into and I look forward to you developing the plot and narrative further.
I wish you well
cheers
phill
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Hello Bob
Very good. I would suggest "Scars" as your working title. It allows the reader to contemplate the physical and the emotional scarring of the central character. just a thought.
I'd take it forward in a series of two or three blackouts after which a murder is uncovered - was it Chris or was it not? Perhaps his pursuit of the truth leads to is being him, or being another? The 'other' might be a fellow vet and, having tracked him and confronted him, Chris strangles him to save him from himself: there are multiple variations. You have a good character and a great base to leap off from.
A few points "...from a still-open grave..." I would suggest the hyphen. I also stumbled on "...From nowhere headaches attacked..." I think it requires either a comma "...From nowhere, headaches attacked..." or a reversal "..."...Headaches attacked from nowhere... These are really small points.
It'd be a pity to let this idea go as there's plenty of depth to dive into and I look forward to you developing the plot and narrative further.
I wish you well
cheers
phill
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Phil,
Sorry about the stuff up of posting twice, guess it shows my true computer skills. I'll only provide one review, I hope. I must thank you for suggesting the title. I'm going to call the manuscript 'Scarred.' If published I'll give you credit.
Your review to me, highlights the true value of Fanstory. Your constructive criticism provides exactly what this author required. I eagerly look forward to receiving further reviews from you Phil.
