Scarred
An idea14 total reviews
Comment from Miss Sherry
Just head it somewhere and post it, because this is good and you have your first avid fan right here. I love the psychology of the story and the mystery. As a Hospice nurse for many years I do not agonize over the morality of this issue. What fascinates me with your story is the self-debate of whether it is the thrill or the mercy that will tip the scales - or if it ever will.
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2019
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Just head it somewhere and post it, because this is good and you have your first avid fan right here. I love the psychology of the story and the mystery. As a Hospice nurse for many years I do not agonize over the morality of this issue. What fascinates me with your story is the self-debate of whether it is the thrill or the mercy that will tip the scales - or if it ever will.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2019
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Thank you for your encouraging comments. Sadly I'm struggling with the next post. I hope to have it ready within a couple of days. Thank you for your read and review.
Comment from kiwijenny
Oooooooooo this is tough...tough tough tough
Now as to title....Scarred...or Scar...or Soul Scar or Put the Scar in Scared... Or Momma Look Out.. or Skilled ....S-killed
God bless
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2019
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Oooooooooo this is tough...tough tough tough
Now as to title....Scarred...or Scar...or Soul Scar or Put the Scar in Scared... Or Momma Look Out.. or Skilled ....S-killed
God bless
Comment Written 16-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2019
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Scarred is the title, it was suggested by an earlier reviewer. I must confess I'm have a little trouble getting the next instalment right. Hope to have it posted in a couple of days. Thank you for reviewing.
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You?re welcome
Comment from giraffmang
hi Bob, this has the makings of an interesting piece. Quite psychological in nature. The internal struggle is clear and could be richly mined here for tension and intrigue.
A few things I noted as I read through-
Once it had, but he'd learned to live with it.- perhaps re-order this to It had once.
I think your opening three or four paragraphs are a little pedestrian in places. Streamlining them could help with this. It's a bit repetitive and the same thing could be established a lot quicker within a few lines.
Or, of any operation on him. - no need for the comma here.
Had it been the work of an Afghan doctor trained in the US.- perhaps a question mark in here.
History would define his colleague's deaths - in this instance it would be colleagues'.
He needed a way of concealing it - need end punctuation here.
He head was at war again, reliving his yesterdays - His head.
He found no counter argument - counterargument can be a single word here.
But was it love of mother, or love of asserting the ultimate power - need a question mark here.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2019
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hi Bob, this has the makings of an interesting piece. Quite psychological in nature. The internal struggle is clear and could be richly mined here for tension and intrigue.
A few things I noted as I read through-
Once it had, but he'd learned to live with it.- perhaps re-order this to It had once.
I think your opening three or four paragraphs are a little pedestrian in places. Streamlining them could help with this. It's a bit repetitive and the same thing could be established a lot quicker within a few lines.
Or, of any operation on him. - no need for the comma here.
Had it been the work of an Afghan doctor trained in the US.- perhaps a question mark in here.
History would define his colleague's deaths - in this instance it would be colleagues'.
He needed a way of concealing it - need end punctuation here.
He head was at war again, reliving his yesterdays - His head.
He found no counter argument - counterargument can be a single word here.
But was it love of mother, or love of asserting the ultimate power - need a question mark here.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 15-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2019
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Thank you so much for providing such a comprehensive review. Reviewers like you are what makes Fanstory such a valuable source. I will thoroughly read my next instalment before posting. Again Thank you.
Comment from TheStoryMan
I don't know where this story is heading either but I'd like to find out. I wonder what happened to give him that scar. Personally, I couldn't kill someone even if they are in pain. I believe whatever happened in Afghanistan changed Chris Stanley and turned him into a killer.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2019
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I don't know where this story is heading either but I'd like to find out. I wonder what happened to give him that scar. Personally, I couldn't kill someone even if they are in pain. I believe whatever happened in Afghanistan changed Chris Stanley and turned him into a killer.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2019
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Thank you Story Man. I could never kill in real life, but gee I enjoy it in my writings.
Like you I'm unsure where this is headed. Actually I've totally rewritten the piece and changed the character's name to Clinton rather than Chris.
Thank you for stopping by and reviewing.
Comment from JudyE
This flows nicely and I had no trouble believing the story. My husband plays golf with a group of Vietnam vets, three of whom are now TPI with mental conditions. Who knows what horrors they're concealing?
One edit I might suggest:
When these explanations were challenged, he next suggested involvement in a drunken brawl, this quickly gained credence. I would probably put a period after 'brawl'.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2019
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This flows nicely and I had no trouble believing the story. My husband plays golf with a group of Vietnam vets, three of whom are now TPI with mental conditions. Who knows what horrors they're concealing?
One edit I might suggest:
When these explanations were challenged, he next suggested involvement in a drunken brawl, this quickly gained credence. I would probably put a period after 'brawl'.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2019
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Judy, firstly thank you for reading and reviewing. I've made the change you suggested, in fact I've rewritten the entire piece. I thank the Lord daily for escaping the Vietnam War. Luckily for me and my twin brother, our birthdate wasn't drawn in the conscription ballot. Several of my friends served in Vietnam and some of them returned home as disturbed young men.
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My husband missed out too. I can't think of one Vietnam vet that hasn't come back without some form of hang-up. But for many it does seem to hit them later in life.
Comment from Rob Caudle
Whether or not you know here its is going it is certainly well written up to this point. As a viet-Nam vet I felt tremendous empathy for you character. I can't remember reading you before but I must have at some point. MY wife worked for Gail and Jeff a few time we sure miss her I am glad you got work with on your books.
Rob
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Whether or not you know here its is going it is certainly well written up to this point. As a viet-Nam vet I felt tremendous empathy for you character. I can't remember reading you before but I must have at some point. MY wife worked for Gail and Jeff a few time we sure miss her I am glad you got work with on your books.
Rob
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Rob, I appreciate your kind words. I agree with your opinion of Gayle and Jeff, they were really fine people. They published a book of mine called The Ultimate Betrayal. In every way they were professional.
As a Vietnam Vet you might be interested in a poem I wrote three years ago. It's titled The Vet From Vietnam, it's still in my portfolio dated Jan, 2016.
Thank you for stopping by and reviewing my latest work.
Bob
Comment from royowen
I think you've created a marvellous character, certainly an ato hero. But in this you've created another paradox, is he a hero, or the spawn of the devil? He want to kill again, almost acting like God, a mercy killing, an ultimate of of kindness? Mercy killing...his mother? Well done Bob, good job, blessings, Roy
Typo : (He) head was at war again. His?
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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I think you've created a marvellous character, certainly an ato hero. But in this you've created another paradox, is he a hero, or the spawn of the devil? He want to kill again, almost acting like God, a mercy killing, an ultimate of of kindness? Mercy killing...his mother? Well done Bob, good job, blessings, Roy
Typo : (He) head was at war again. His?
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Roy,
Thanks for taking a look at my latest idea and for offering such a positive review. I've changed his name from Chris to Clinton, the reasons will become obvious as the story rolls on. Your comment about his character is much appreciated. It's precisely how I see him.
Comment from HealingMuse
Hi Bob,
WOW! I believe you have the beginning of a great series of novels here, my friend, if you choose to pursue all the writing. (G)
His thought process is amazing in rationalizing mercy killing. And his traumatic brain injury is an interesting twist, as those who suffer with this condition are often quite explosive and impulsive. (Sort of like Intermittent Explosive Disorder in kids and teens. This dynamic could potentially play well into your story lines.)
Nothing at all to suggest reworking here - it's great "as-is!"
Thanks for sharing,
Jan
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Hi Bob,
WOW! I believe you have the beginning of a great series of novels here, my friend, if you choose to pursue all the writing. (G)
His thought process is amazing in rationalizing mercy killing. And his traumatic brain injury is an interesting twist, as those who suffer with this condition are often quite explosive and impulsive. (Sort of like Intermittent Explosive Disorder in kids and teens. This dynamic could potentially play well into your story lines.)
Nothing at all to suggest reworking here - it's great "as-is!"
Thanks for sharing,
Jan
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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I really appreciate your vision of my character, it's precisely how I picture him. By the way, I've changed his name from Chris to Clinton. Thanks for taking the time to review my work. Thanks to another reviewer, I think I've come up with a name for the story. Scarred.
Comment from Debbie Pope
Up front, let me say that your are such a fine writer. This piece, regardless of where it is going, deserves a perfect rating. I am just out.
I hope you will continue this piece. Chris is suffering from mental delusion and illness. He has killed so many people, but I still like him. There is so much conflict in the story--internal and external. I am intrigued. I was engaged with every word.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Up front, let me say that your are such a fine writer. This piece, regardless of where it is going, deserves a perfect rating. I am just out.
I hope you will continue this piece. Chris is suffering from mental delusion and illness. He has killed so many people, but I still like him. There is so much conflict in the story--internal and external. I am intrigued. I was engaged with every word.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Debbie, we writer's are such an insecure breed, especially when our submissions keep coming back rejected. Doubts questioning our ability keep jumping at us. Let me say, comments like yours provide the inspiration to keep going and for that I thank you. By the way, Chris has had a name change, he is now Clinton. The reason for the change will become apparent in future postings. Thanks again, Debbie.
Comment from Mastery
Well, hello, stranger. Where in the hell have you been? I missed your writing.
First of all...great opening "hook"
Your writing is exciting and well done. However, I am afreaid it is all generalization, Bob. You are "telling" it all instead of "showing"
I realize you are treating it as sort of an "outline" foer something yo are not sure of yet, but yo still should shorten it up and allow space for a lot of detail in order to "show" the actions of Chris.
Good writing, though. I sense a good story forthcoming.
Bless you, my friend. Bob
Suggestions: Perhaps a question mark needed here: "Had it been the work of an Afghan doctor trained in the US."
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Well, hello, stranger. Where in the hell have you been? I missed your writing.
First of all...great opening "hook"
Your writing is exciting and well done. However, I am afreaid it is all generalization, Bob. You are "telling" it all instead of "showing"
I realize you are treating it as sort of an "outline" foer something yo are not sure of yet, but yo still should shorten it up and allow space for a lot of detail in order to "show" the actions of Chris.
Good writing, though. I sense a good story forthcoming.
Bless you, my friend. Bob
Suggestions: Perhaps a question mark needed here: "Had it been the work of an Afghan doctor trained in the US."
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Great to hear from you Bob. I've not been doing much writing as I've been busy submitting my work to agents. To date I've received two requests for the full manuscript, which boosts one's ego, sadly both were subsequently rejected.
Could I ask a favour. You are not the first one to tell me 'to show not tell' but I must confess to not grasping the expression. If you have time, could you please highlight an example of this and suggest how I should change it.
Thank you for reading, your comments honestly are valued,
Bob
