Wilderness Redemption Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart"Shenanigans on the frontier
22 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
I enjoy the snappy dialogue you have between all parties. The tone is light, even with the squabble, but muxch darker as we move to the Shawnee. You have many punctuation errors. I started listing them, but it was too much. The two consistent ones are 'comma splices, and 'personal address commas'.
Comma splice:
The following are two complete thoughts, so they need either a period and capital letter or a semicolon to distinguish them.
"Well let's put them on a plate and pass them out(;) they're best when they're warm."
Direct address: When speaking to someone, a comma separates what's said from who is being addressed.
"Oh, that won't be necessary(,) Mr. Carter; I'll be fine on my own."
You are actually hit and miss on these, so I guess just another look is what's needed.
Happy day.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2019
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I enjoy the snappy dialogue you have between all parties. The tone is light, even with the squabble, but muxch darker as we move to the Shawnee. You have many punctuation errors. I started listing them, but it was too much. The two consistent ones are 'comma splices, and 'personal address commas'.
Comma splice:
The following are two complete thoughts, so they need either a period and capital letter or a semicolon to distinguish them.
"Well let's put them on a plate and pass them out(;) they're best when they're warm."
Direct address: When speaking to someone, a comma separates what's said from who is being addressed.
"Oh, that won't be necessary(,) Mr. Carter; I'll be fine on my own."
You are actually hit and miss on these, so I guess just another look is what's needed.
Happy day.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2019
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Thanks for pointing that out, Bill. Punctuation is kind of my Achilles heel in writing. It's good I have reviewers to look at my work. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my writing.
Comment from Miss Sherry
Like this story very much. The pace is good and the story easy to follow. Characters are well developed and interesting. Your Native Americans are named with believable names and everything seems authentic. I will be watching for more of your writing. This is great!
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2019
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Like this story very much. The pace is good and the story easy to follow. Characters are well developed and interesting. Your Native Americans are named with believable names and everything seems authentic. I will be watching for more of your writing. This is great!
Comment Written 15-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2019
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Thank you for your kind words. It's good I have reviewers to look at my work. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my writing.
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You are most welcome. I love to review and read other people's work.
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I love reviewing ohter people's work, so was happy to do it!
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You are always more than welcome!
Comment from Thomas Bowling
This is longer than most FanStory post, but it's very well-written and should attract a lot of reviews. It holds the reader's attention from beginning until the end.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2019
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This is longer than most FanStory post, but it's very well-written and should attract a lot of reviews. It holds the reader's attention from beginning until the end.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2019
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Thanks, I know they're long but I asked Mastery and mine is on par with his. On length, not quality.. It's good I have reviewers to look at my work. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my writing.
Comment from AdaJulie
Hi there,
Great story.
Couple of suggestions. No comma after sheepishly
I think Roger's Rangers should be upper case
researching the work manhandled, it does not appear to be a word of the era.
and marched - extra space.
Zack felt himself drawn toward - consider removing the pronoun.
Good job,very interesting. Hope this helps.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Hi there,
Great story.
Couple of suggestions. No comma after sheepishly
I think Roger's Rangers should be upper case
researching the work manhandled, it does not appear to be a word of the era.
and marched - extra space.
Zack felt himself drawn toward - consider removing the pronoun.
Good job,very interesting. Hope this helps.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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I fixed the other errors. I looked up manhandled which came into the vernacular in 1834. I could say that Roseanna is telling the tale in 1860 and had a senior moment and misremembered exactly what was said. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work,
Comment from QC Poet
Very expressive and interesting story of a time gone by told in great terminology and time frame contexts of civil war era days lots of characters with interesting roles.
Good Luck with its success.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2019
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Very expressive and interesting story of a time gone by told in great terminology and time frame contexts of civil war era days lots of characters with interesting roles.
Good Luck with its success.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2019
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Thanks for your kind words. It's good I have reviewers to look at my work. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my writing.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I really enjoy this story, it's well written, the plot is excellent, and the characters are well described. It's not going to be good for Doo, not with both Swooping Eagle and Godfrey out to kill him. I can't wait to read the next part. :)) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2019
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I really enjoy this story, it's well written, the plot is excellent, and the characters are well described. It's not going to be good for Doo, not with both Swooping Eagle and Godfrey out to kill him. I can't wait to read the next part. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2019
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Thank you Sandra. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Earl,
This story continues to amuse me and you're writing is clear, but not concise. I went through and identified a lot of missing punctuation - and I've listed some of them below.
a few notes:
'"Yes'm," the boy said sheepishly, while rubbing his hand.' There isn't a need for the comma there--it isn't an introductory phrase or a prepositional phrase.
'"Now where was I? Oh+, that's right Doo almost killed the ferret-faced stranger."' You need the comma after the 'Oh,' because it is an introductory remark.
'With the help of his three sons+, he carved out a 200-acre farm north of Pittsburgh.' The comma is needed after sons because it ends an introductory phrase. The hyphen is added between 200 and acres to correct the form.
' At first+, he had operated a small trading post near the Shenango River. Again, 'at first' is an introductory phrase.
'Doo felt color creeping into his cheeks+, and he felt tongue-tied in front of the beautiful dark-haired girl.
'Doo's face felt flushed+, and he began to sweat.'
So, we have a compound sentence containing two independent clauses joined with the conjunction 'and.' You need a comma before the and.
'"And just where were you+, Sinclair, you were willing to let Doo get hung over trash like Godfrey Smythe."'
'"Mr. Carter+, how did you know that dandy's name?"
When you are speaking directly to people, the name needs to be set off by commas.
'"Ooof... Yeah+, Pa it would be a pleasure."' Again, this is an interjection and needs a comma.
Storytelling is half the battle, and you've got that element. Now, you just need to work on grammar and sentence structure. I use the 'Elements of Style 2017' with my Creative Writing students. They like it a lot - it's organized well and easy to understand.
Keep writing - I love this story,
~patty~
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2019
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Hi, Earl,
This story continues to amuse me and you're writing is clear, but not concise. I went through and identified a lot of missing punctuation - and I've listed some of them below.
a few notes:
'"Yes'm," the boy said sheepishly
'"Now where was I? Oh+, that's right Doo almost killed the ferret-faced stranger."' You need the comma after the 'Oh,' because it is an introductory remark.
'With the help of his three sons+, he carved out a 200-acre farm north of Pittsburgh.' The comma is needed after sons because it ends an introductory phrase. The hyphen is added between 200 and acres to correct the form.
' At first+, he had operated a small trading post near the Shenango River. Again, 'at first' is an introductory phrase.
'Doo felt color creeping into his cheeks+, and he felt tongue-tied in front of the beautiful dark-haired girl.
'Doo's face felt flushed+, and he began to sweat.'
So, we have a compound sentence containing two independent clauses joined with the conjunction 'and.' You need a comma before the and.
'"And just where were you+, Sinclair, you were willing to let Doo get hung over trash like Godfrey Smythe."'
'"Mr. Carter+, how did you know that dandy's name?"
When you are speaking directly to people, the name needs to be set off by commas.
'"Ooof... Yeah+, Pa it would be a pleasure."' Again, this is an interjection and needs a comma.
Storytelling is half the battle, and you've got that element. Now, you just need to work on grammar and sentence structure. I use the 'Elements of Style 2017' with my Creative Writing students. They like it a lot - it's organized well and easy to understand.
Keep writing - I love this story,
~patty~
Comment Written 12-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2019
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Thanks for pointing out my punctuation errors, I fixed them. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from TheStoryMan
This is a very interesting story. I'm going to have to go back and read the earlier chapters. Your characters are well developed. Their dialogue matches the speech patterns of the time.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2019
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This is a very interesting story. I'm going to have to go back and read the earlier chapters. Your characters are well developed. Their dialogue matches the speech patterns of the time.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2019
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Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Earl, I think it's great writing and the dialogue is spot on. I like it and I'm looking forward to reading on. I only think, it's too long, for Fanstory that is. Break it up. You will benefit and so will the reader. We have so much to read to earn the Dollars, and then find time to write our own work. I hope that makes sense. All best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2019
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Hi Earl, I think it's great writing and the dialogue is spot on. I like it and I'm looking forward to reading on. I only think, it's too long, for Fanstory that is. Break it up. You will benefit and so will the reader. We have so much to read to earn the Dollars, and then find time to write our own work. I hope that makes sense. All best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 12-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2019
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Thank you Ulla. It's long because I'm actually writing it for publication. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Tpa
I thought your sentences flowed very nicely. Your dialogue was very genuine and common. The paragraphs were short and easy on this reader, which made your story more enjoyable.
I did think there was a lot to absorb about Zack. At that point, my interest lax, waiting for the story to move on, which it did at the dialogue. Maybe, Zake bio can be given in small doses throughout the chapter or the book.
EXCELLENT WORK wishing you the best
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2019
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I thought your sentences flowed very nicely. Your dialogue was very genuine and common. The paragraphs were short and easy on this reader, which made your story more enjoyable.
I did think there was a lot to absorb about Zack. At that point, my interest lax, waiting for the story to move on, which it did at the dialogue. Maybe, Zake bio can be given in small doses throughout the chapter or the book.
EXCELLENT WORK wishing you the best
Comment Written 12-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2019
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Thank you. Actually Cack won't be playing a major part moving forward, that's why I shoved it all in now.I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
