Estranged
Even in dysfunction, a sister's bond is strong26 total reviews
Comment from Christine C Autry
I truly enjoyed all of this story. It was so much like how people get mad and stay apart and never let go of anger. It happens in every family. It was a great story. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2019
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I truly enjoyed all of this story. It was so much like how people get mad and stay apart and never let go of anger. It happens in every family. It was a great story. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2019
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Thank you, Christine. It's sad to see it, isn't it? And from the feedback I've gotten, it's very common. That surprised me, I have to say.
Anyway, thank you for your five stars and your words of encouragement. I appreciate it very much.
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You are Welcome.
Comment from LisaMay
This is a believable scenario written in an engaging manner... we like and dislike various characters that you have skilfully brought to life. I felt a bit conflicted reading it as I come from a dysfunctional background myself... I am adopted and discovered my birth family has a generational history of estrangement where the mothers reject the daughters. Sad but true... thank heavens I was adopted into a loving family. I loved some of the details in your story, such as the hair brushing. All in all a very well presented story.
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2019
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This is a believable scenario written in an engaging manner... we like and dislike various characters that you have skilfully brought to life. I felt a bit conflicted reading it as I come from a dysfunctional background myself... I am adopted and discovered my birth family has a generational history of estrangement where the mothers reject the daughters. Sad but true... thank heavens I was adopted into a loving family. I loved some of the details in your story, such as the hair brushing. All in all a very well presented story.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2019
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Dear LisaMay -
I'm sorry parts of this story evoked feelings of conflict for you, but I'm happy to read that, through adoption, you were given the gift of a family who was loving. On the Balance Sheet of Life, it sounds as if the assets far outweigh deficits.
Thank you for this beautiful review and the five stars. xo
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi there,
A very intense scene and there is a great deal of emotion. I do think you owe it to yourself and your readers to go back and do an extensive edit.
A few notes:
'The mechanical octopus attached to my sister fails to hide the gashes across her now-flattened nose+, and the florid bulge webbed with angry blue veins on her forehead, but I still recognize her.' This sentence is too long. It is a compound sentence comprised of two independent phrases, so you could split in two at the 'and.' But, if you leave the 'and' where it is, you need to have a comma before it.
'...but even in this depleted half-self+, This is an introductory phrase, so it needs a comma after it.
'"She's my baby sister+, and you're hurting her,"' Another compound sentence where a comma is needed before the conjunction, 'and.'
'I loved that time together every morning before school, not only because of how beautiful she made my hair look, or that she never hurt me in the process, but because I would tell Lindy things I could never tell our mother--like that I tripped a girl in gym class and had to go to the principal's office and that I gave the naughty boy in our class a kiss on the playground. And Lindy told me stories about her high school friends and boys she liked and what it was like to go on dates. "These are Sister Secrets," she said. "So we'll never tell them to Mom."' This sentence is way too long. The word, 'tell' appears over and over throughout the text. It might be a good idea to find some synonyms. Otherwise, the writing becomes monotonous.
'The door opened+, and a twenty-something version of my sister fastened a gaze on me...' Another missing comma in a compound sentence comprised of two independent clauses.
'"You don't know+, or you don't want to tell me?" my mother persisted, her voice rising.'
'"Okay.," I said quietly, defeat choking off each word.' Though this is a one-word sentence, you need to have a comma before the quotation mark, because you have included a speech tag.
There are a lot more grammatical errors, and I'd rather have you find them yourself when you do an extensive edit.
I'm not sure if I mentioned it to you in an earlier critique, but I highly suggest you get a good style guide to help acquaint you with grammatical rules. I use the text, 'Elements of Style 2017,' in my Creative Writing class, and my students love it.
KEEP WRITING - the craft becomes easier with practice,
~Mustang Patty~
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2019
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Hi there,
A very intense scene and there is a great deal of emotion. I do think you owe it to yourself and your readers to go back and do an extensive edit.
A few notes:
'The mechanical octopus attached to my sister fails to hide the gashes across her now-flattened nose+, and the florid bulge webbed with angry blue veins on her forehead, but I still recognize her.' This sentence is too long. It is a compound sentence comprised of two independent phrases, so you could split in two at the 'and.' But, if you leave the 'and' where it is, you need to have a comma before it.
'...but even in this depleted half-self+, This is an introductory phrase, so it needs a comma after it.
'"She's my baby sister+, and you're hurting her,"' Another compound sentence where a comma is needed before the conjunction, 'and.'
'I loved that time together every morning before school, not only because of how beautiful she made my hair look, or that she never hurt me in the process, but because I would tell Lindy things I could never tell our mother--like that I tripped a girl in gym class and had to go to the principal's office and that I gave the naughty boy in our class a kiss on the playground. And Lindy told me stories about her high school friends and boys she liked and what it was like to go on dates. "These are Sister Secrets," she said. "So we'll never tell them to Mom."' This sentence is way too long. The word, 'tell' appears over and over throughout the text. It might be a good idea to find some synonyms. Otherwise, the writing becomes monotonous.
'The door opened+, and a twenty-something version of my sister fastened a gaze on me...' Another missing comma in a compound sentence comprised of two independent clauses.
'"You don't know+, or you don't want to tell me?" my mother persisted, her voice rising.'
'"Okay.
There are a lot more grammatical errors, and I'd rather have you find them yourself when you do an extensive edit.
I'm not sure if I mentioned it to you in an earlier critique, but I highly suggest you get a good style guide to help acquaint you with grammatical rules. I use the text, 'Elements of Style 2017,' in my Creative Writing class, and my students love it.
KEEP WRITING - the craft becomes easier with practice,
~Mustang Patty~
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2019
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Thank you, Mustang Patty. I'll take care of these today.
Comment from seaglass
This is a beautiful essay. I'm not sure if it's biographical or if it's fiction, but I'm sure it has been re-enacted many times, in some variation throughout the world. It is true that when people are raised without continuity in relationships they seem to have problems knowing how to maintain them in their adult lives and the pain keeps on going generation after generation. The message is very clear, we must overcome these tendencies, and keep a relationship strong.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2019
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This is a beautiful essay. I'm not sure if it's biographical or if it's fiction, but I'm sure it has been re-enacted many times, in some variation throughout the world. It is true that when people are raised without continuity in relationships they seem to have problems knowing how to maintain them in their adult lives and the pain keeps on going generation after generation. The message is very clear, we must overcome these tendencies, and keep a relationship strong.
Comment Written 09-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2019
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Seaglass - I think it comes under the heading "You plant corn, you get corn." Thank you for the high marks and for sharing your thoughts tonight. They're spot on.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Ending is surprising. Shows the type of person the sister was. Interesting read. Sad she did not survive though. Held attention throughout.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2019
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Ending is surprising. Shows the type of person the sister was. Interesting read. Sad she did not survive though. Held attention throughout.
Comment Written 09-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2019
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Thank you, Brett. At least there was some solace in a mended family, though, you're right; it's sad she wasn't able to see it. Thank you for your high marks and your feedback. I appreciate both very much.
Comment from Scarbrems
Here is the amazing writer I could see existed beneath the floral phrases of the piece I've just read. This is a perfect story, complete, engaging, realistic, packed with emotion.
You've still got your wonderful turns of phrase, like this simile, here:
'My mother's eyes grew even angrier, and her mouth curled like an upside-down orange slice.'
In this story, though, you've used them to enhance, rather than smother. Excellent. Keep going.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2019
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Here is the amazing writer I could see existed beneath the floral phrases of the piece I've just read. This is a perfect story, complete, engaging, realistic, packed with emotion.
You've still got your wonderful turns of phrase, like this simile, here:
'My mother's eyes grew even angrier, and her mouth curled like an upside-down orange slice.'
In this story, though, you've used them to enhance, rather than smother. Excellent. Keep going.
Comment Written 09-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2019
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I so look forward to your reviews, Sarkems. You have the nicest way of teaching me well while still being so encouraging. I feel so lucky that our paths have crossed here.
Thank you for your help and also for this generous review. xo
Comment from TheStoryMan
This a lesson many must learn. People will do things that upset you, hurt you but you need to forgive and put the relationship back together. Don't let it wait to long or you won't get the chance. This is such a sad story.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2019
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This a lesson many must learn. People will do things that upset you, hurt you but you need to forgive and put the relationship back together. Don't let it wait to long or you won't get the chance. This is such a sad story.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2019
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Sometimes it's easier to learn from a bad example. You can learn what you never want for your life. Thank you for your sensitive words; they matter to me very much. xo
Comment from Rhonda Skinner
This is a beautiful story with a powerful lesson to it. We miss out on so much when we let past hurts fester to the point where we cut people out of lives.
This is very well-written. Thanks for sharing it.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2019
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This is a beautiful story with a powerful lesson to it. We miss out on so much when we let past hurts fester to the point where we cut people out of lives.
This is very well-written. Thanks for sharing it.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2019
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You are so right - and for what? Who wins when things get to that point? And yet it happens a lot. Sad but true.
I SO appreciate the six star rating, Rhonda. Very generous of you. And I appreciate the encouraging words that came with it. xo
Comment from 24chas
This was a great story, Rachelle. It was written very clearly and with a lot of emotion. Good characters that you cared about (or hated). Descriptions were well penned as well. Only one small nit: I won't have a home wrecker in my house. (homewrecker). Nice job.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2019
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This was a great story, Rachelle. It was written very clearly and with a lot of emotion. Good characters that you cared about (or hated). Descriptions were well penned as well. Only one small nit: I won't have a home wrecker in my house. (homewrecker). Nice job.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2019
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Thanks, 24chas - for the "nit" as well as the really nice review. I appreciate it very much and will take care of it at once!
Comment from Stephanie Launiu
This was superb writing, and it got me emotionally involved from the first paragraph. I have a sister who is ten years younger than I am, and that scene you introduced with the sisters brushing each other's hair brought back memories. Fortunately, we are very close and stories like yours remind me how blessed I am. Thanks so much for sharing your writing.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2019
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This was superb writing, and it got me emotionally involved from the first paragraph. I have a sister who is ten years younger than I am, and that scene you introduced with the sisters brushing each other's hair brought back memories. Fortunately, we are very close and stories like yours remind me how blessed I am. Thanks so much for sharing your writing.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2019
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I loved reading what you wrote, Stephanie. Thank you. And thank you for the high marks, as well. xo
