Blind Justice
A verdict is difficult to accept15 total reviews
Comment from LIJ Red
Vengeance is mine, sayeth the obsessed. A well-written story...I'm a bit drowsy, but I cruised through with no spag stumbles, and the story of misguided vendetta is paced well.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2019
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Vengeance is mine, sayeth the obsessed. A well-written story...I'm a bit drowsy, but I cruised through with no spag stumbles, and the story of misguided vendetta is paced well.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2019
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Thank you. Appreciate you taking the time to read my writing.
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Ohhh, TPA, you got me good with this one. I was rooting for Cindy's mom from the first paragraph. Each thwarted attempt frustrated me that much more. Your pacing was EXCELLENT, all the set-ups perfect, and your word choices were so descriptive I was totally immersed. TERRIFIC read!!!
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2019
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Ohhh, TPA, you got me good with this one. I was rooting for Cindy's mom from the first paragraph. Each thwarted attempt frustrated me that much more. Your pacing was EXCELLENT, all the set-ups perfect, and your word choices were so descriptive I was totally immersed. TERRIFIC read!!!
Comment Written 06-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2019
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Thank you for your kind words. I am very grateful.
Comment from LynSys
WOW...that's quite a tale TPA. Very well written allowing the reader to feel her anguish and heartbreak, not to mention her anger. Sometimes, the Universe sends us messages...like the times her plans were thwarted.
Great story with a great ending.
Lynda
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2019
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WOW...that's quite a tale TPA. Very well written allowing the reader to feel her anguish and heartbreak, not to mention her anger. Sometimes, the Universe sends us messages...like the times her plans were thwarted.
Great story with a great ending.
Lynda
Comment Written 06-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2019
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Thank you. Your words make it a pleasure to write.
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You're very welcome...and thank you for the compliment!
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi there,
Wow - I guess this is exactly why vigilante justice is wrong. However, who could blame her?
You set up the story great - starting with the court scene and taking us through her machinations to kill this man.
Thank you for sharing,
~Mustang Patty~
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2019
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Hi there,
Wow - I guess this is exactly why vigilante justice is wrong. However, who could blame her?
You set up the story great - starting with the court scene and taking us through her machinations to kill this man.
Thank you for sharing,
~Mustang Patty~
Comment Written 05-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2019
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Thank you. Coming from you, your words mean plenty. I try reading your work as much as possible. You are very creative and entertaining. So, a review from you is most welcome
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Thank YOU!
Comment from Colleen Pinner
Interesting for sure. As others have mentioned, a number of typos and other issues to clarify but the idea comes through. I have to admit, the ending did catch me. I was waiting to find out that Ed's brother was wheelchair bound and that Ed was his only caregiver. So she couldn't kill Ed since his brother needed him. Hmmm I have to think about that.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2019
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Interesting for sure. As others have mentioned, a number of typos and other issues to clarify but the idea comes through. I have to admit, the ending did catch me. I was waiting to find out that Ed's brother was wheelchair bound and that Ed was his only caregiver. So she couldn't kill Ed since his brother needed him. Hmmm I have to think about that.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2019
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Thank you
Comment from giraffmang
hi there,
there is some good tension in this piece and the emotional aspect of it comes across well.
there are quite a few inconsistencies though in regard to timeframe, police procedure and investigation times.
there are also significant edits/proofing still to be done. I made some notes as I read through-
as people stood up with looks of disbelief.- you could streamline this to 'stood up in disbelief.'
a snickering smile as women embraced him - I'm not sure snickering works as a descriptor here.
realizing her eighteen-year-old daughter was never coming home as she realized she will never see Cindy's infectious smile,- maybe use an alternative for one of the variants of realizing here to avoid the close repetition.
never comb her daughter's sandy, long hair. - long, sandy may flow a little better.
If only, she had one more time to wrap her arms around Cindy's tall - the comma is unnecessary here.
The jury believed all those people that said that bastard - when referring to people it's usually best to use who rather than that.
"I know," she cried "His friends lied for him. I know they did."- need punctuation after cried.
she requested and given a leave of absence, stating to her superiors that she needed extra time to grieve. - and was given.
The time frame seems a little muddled as the court case seems to have taken place very quickly after the death which is not normally the case. If there are time shifts in this piece, they are not apparent and should be made so.
"I from out-of-town. I'm here on business." - I'm?
"Well, your presence sure decorate this place." - decorates?
Their conversations were trivia. - trivial?
"The only job my brother knows is pressing the buttons on the remote. - need closing speech marks here.
knocked the glass out of Mr. Kent hand - Kent's.
Liz threaded the floors of her apartment, - treaded?
The week before he deplored to Afghanistan. - deployed.
or a man who disabled the joys that Cindy will never have.
- maybe use destroyed or ended here rather than disabled.
She did, however, shattered the front window and broke two tables. - shatter.
Mr. Sawyer reluctantly caved into his friend's argument. - perhaps use request here rather than argument.
and brought out a nine-millimeter silencer. Identifying numbers on the gun were erased.- maybe nine millimetre WITH silencer, otherwise he just lifted a silencer and NO gun.
If Liz had been in the military would she have needed a couple of weeks of practice?
making some hairpins curves before reaching his destiny.- destination?
hidden in weeds that were as tall as evergreens and just as thick. perhaps tone down the description here.
A few hours passed when Liz heard the front door creaked open. - creak open.
Her left eye half-cocked as she steady her hand,- half-closed, and steadied.
Surely the twin brother would have come up during the investigation the police carried out before the case when to court?
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2019
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hi there,
there is some good tension in this piece and the emotional aspect of it comes across well.
there are quite a few inconsistencies though in regard to timeframe, police procedure and investigation times.
there are also significant edits/proofing still to be done. I made some notes as I read through-
as people stood up with looks of disbelief.- you could streamline this to 'stood up in disbelief.'
a snickering smile as women embraced him - I'm not sure snickering works as a descriptor here.
realizing her eighteen-year-old daughter was never coming home as she realized she will never see Cindy's infectious smile,- maybe use an alternative for one of the variants of realizing here to avoid the close repetition.
never comb her daughter's sandy, long hair. - long, sandy may flow a little better.
If only, she had one more time to wrap her arms around Cindy's tall - the comma is unnecessary here.
The jury believed all those people that said that bastard - when referring to people it's usually best to use who rather than that.
"I know," she cried "His friends lied for him. I know they did."- need punctuation after cried.
she requested and given a leave of absence, stating to her superiors that she needed extra time to grieve. - and was given.
The time frame seems a little muddled as the court case seems to have taken place very quickly after the death which is not normally the case. If there are time shifts in this piece, they are not apparent and should be made so.
"I from out-of-town. I'm here on business." - I'm?
"Well, your presence sure decorate this place." - decorates?
Their conversations were trivia. - trivial?
"The only job my brother knows is pressing the buttons on the remote. - need closing speech marks here.
knocked the glass out of Mr. Kent hand - Kent's.
Liz threaded the floors of her apartment, - treaded?
The week before he deplored to Afghanistan. - deployed.
or a man who disabled the joys that Cindy will never have.
- maybe use destroyed or ended here rather than disabled.
She did, however, shattered the front window and broke two tables. - shatter.
Mr. Sawyer reluctantly caved into his friend's argument. - perhaps use request here rather than argument.
and brought out a nine-millimeter silencer. Identifying numbers on the gun were erased.- maybe nine millimetre WITH silencer, otherwise he just lifted a silencer and NO gun.
If Liz had been in the military would she have needed a couple of weeks of practice?
making some hairpins curves before reaching his destiny.- destination?
hidden in weeds that were as tall as evergreens and just as thick. perhaps tone down the description here.
A few hours passed when Liz heard the front door creaked open. - creak open.
Her left eye half-cocked as she steady her hand,- half-closed, and steadied.
Surely the twin brother would have come up during the investigation the police carried out before the case when to court?
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 03-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2019
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Thank you for the review. will adjust the short-story the best I can in the 3,000 words required, certainly will use your suggestions.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Oh no! Just think how awful she must feel to find she killed an innocent man. She really should shoot the brother now, so at least the killer would not go free. Then she'd have only one mistake to live with. Good shocker!
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2019
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Oh no! Just think how awful she must feel to find she killed an innocent man. She really should shoot the brother now, so at least the killer would not go free. Then she'd have only one mistake to live with. Good shocker!
Comment Written 03-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2019
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Thank you,
Comment from Jamie P
Quite honestly, I was going to give this a four-star review because there are many writing issues that need to be addressed. Then, I got to the ending, which I didn't expect (I really thought the twist was going to be another one) and felt that the ending earned the five stars. There are a few corrections I would like to suggest, however:
Chills slithered down her spine, realizing her eighteen-year-old daughter was never coming home as she realized she will never see Cindy's infectious smile, --> she would never see
she requested and given a leave of --> and was given
having been childless in her ten-year of marriage. --> ten years of
and pray she will abandon the evilness that imprisoned her. --> she would abandon, could abandon?
Their conversations were trivia. --> were trivial
He did most of the talking, bragging of being a star quarterback --> bragging about having been
"The only job my brother knows is pressing the buttons on the remote. --> Close the quotations
She smirked, knowing the stranger was too intoxicated to see his glass let alone Ed's. --> his glass, let alone Ed's
The week before he deplored to Afghanistan. --> I believe the word you want is deployed
Liz threaded the floors of her apartment, --> I think you meant treaded
became hardened for a man who disabled the joys that Cindy will never have. --> Cindy would never have
Thank you for sharing!
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2019
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Quite honestly, I was going to give this a four-star review because there are many writing issues that need to be addressed. Then, I got to the ending, which I didn't expect (I really thought the twist was going to be another one) and felt that the ending earned the five stars. There are a few corrections I would like to suggest, however:
Chills slithered down her spine, realizing her eighteen-year-old daughter was never coming home as she realized she will never see Cindy's infectious smile, --> she would never see
she requested and given a leave of --> and was given
having been childless in her ten-year of marriage. --> ten years of
and pray she will abandon the evilness that imprisoned her. --> she would abandon, could abandon?
Their conversations were trivia. --> were trivial
He did most of the talking, bragging of being a star quarterback --> bragging about having been
"The only job my brother knows is pressing the buttons on the remote. --> Close the quotations
She smirked, knowing the stranger was too intoxicated to see his glass let alone Ed's. --> his glass, let alone Ed's
The week before he deplored to Afghanistan. --> I believe the word you want is deployed
Liz threaded the floors of her apartment, --> I think you meant treaded
became hardened for a man who disabled the joys that Cindy will never have. --> Cindy would never have
Thank you for sharing!
Comment Written 02-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2019
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Thank you for reading my story. Appreciate your suggestions and apply them in the into the final draft.
Comment from Rhonda Skinner
This was a great story. I like how you included some failed attempts first. Just spotted a few things: she requested and (was) given a leave...
-- in her ten-year (omit the of) marriage.
-- and pray she will (would) abandon the evilness(evil)
-- Their conversations were trivia. Their conversation was trivial.
--Liz threaded the floors of her apartment, - don't know what this means
--She looked at the (person or man) who killed Cindy.
It's cool how she found out seconds after killing Ed that he had a twin brother. Good job.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2019
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This was a great story. I like how you included some failed attempts first. Just spotted a few things: she requested and (was) given a leave...
-- in her ten-year (omit the of) marriage.
-- and pray she will (would) abandon the evilness(evil)
-- Their conversations were trivia. Their conversation was trivial.
--Liz threaded the floors of her apartment, - don't know what this means
--She looked at the (person or man) who killed Cindy.
It's cool how she found out seconds after killing Ed that he had a twin brother. Good job.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2019
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Thank you, appreciated your help, will apply them in my final draft.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Tom. So good to see you posting again, my friend.
Excellent job on this one. Your opening "hook" "Not Guilty" is a real grabber. Perfect.
The pacing is good and the story's backstory is handled well for the most part.
Good natural sounding dialogue for the most part.
Suggestions: "My Cindy is gone." (add on "And that bastard is walking free"
Also: Watch your use of tense. Rewrite this part: "Chills slithered down her spine, realizing her eighteen-year-old daughter was never coming home. She will never see Cindy's infectious smile,.....etc." Try: "Chills ran down her back, as she realized her teenage daughter was never coming home. She would never see her infectious smile etc..." (You were using present tense)
And don't be so formal, like: " Her sister placed her arms around Liz's narrow shoulders....." Just say "Her sister PUT or WRAPPED her arms around Liz's shoulders..."
And here: "They stepped into the car," No....They GOT into the car." (relax tom)
And last: You left out a word here, I think: "She looked at the who killed Cindy."
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2019
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Hi, Tom. So good to see you posting again, my friend.
Excellent job on this one. Your opening "hook" "Not Guilty" is a real grabber. Perfect.
The pacing is good and the story's backstory is handled well for the most part.
Good natural sounding dialogue for the most part.
Suggestions: "My Cindy is gone." (add on "And that bastard is walking free"
Also: Watch your use of tense. Rewrite this part: "Chills slithered down her spine, realizing her eighteen-year-old daughter was never coming home. She will never see Cindy's infectious smile,.....etc." Try: "Chills ran down her back, as she realized her teenage daughter was never coming home. She would never see her infectious smile etc..." (You were using present tense)
And don't be so formal, like: " Her sister placed her arms around Liz's narrow shoulders....." Just say "Her sister PUT or WRAPPED her arms around Liz's shoulders..."
And here: "They stepped into the car," No....They GOT into the car." (relax tom)
And last: You left out a word here, I think: "She looked at the who killed Cindy."
Comment Written 02-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2019
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Thank you for your help. will make those corrections, appreciate the help very much/tom
