Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Excellent

A bit confusing at first. It becomes clear that the bold type represents texting, but it would be much easier to follow had you told us that at the start. I don't like to work to understand a story. I want things to be as clear as possible, especially at the start, where we have little context to work with.

Where is Maggie now? Some of the names suggest Carribean, but that's another thing I would like to know at the outset. We'd also like to know where Addy is.

It's hard to get a mental picture of the characters in their setting/s without basic who, where, and when. I don't mind waiting for the how and why, but with no info at all, the reader (namely me) can let lost and wander off.

 Comment Written 26-Jan-2019

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reply by the author on 26-Jan-2019

Hi Phyllis - the sentence right before the first text states that she is texting Addy. In the character listing at the bottom, it has Dorothy listed as Addy's mother...I did add "(deceased)" to make that clearer. Also, the name of the prologue is 'Six and a Half Years ago" and the title tag for this chapter is 'present day New York - six and a half years later'. Sorry if you are confused -- hope you hang in there! :) :) Thanx for the review, ma'am - your time is so appreciated! :) ;) Yvette :)

Comment from Debbie Pope

Excellent

I have no six stars to award, and I hesitate to even review your works this week. I'm sure plenty of people will award this first chapter the best rating possible.
I must say, I am more confused than ever. This is not what I was expecting from your prologue. That is a very good thing. I love the unique quirkiness of your work. Always the unexpected. Who is Dorothy? What happened to the boys in the flat caps?
You've got my interest.

 Comment Written 25-Jan-2019

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reply by the author on 25-Jan-2019

Yeah, don't count on that second sentence there...you'd be amazed at the number of folks that just don't get the whole 'texting mentality' and such. I'm trying to write this so that the younger generation will be able to enjoy as there's lots in here that they will be able to 'enjoy' (for lack of a better word), but...well, let's just say there's a huge difference in generational understanding these days...we'll see. :) :) After a couple of reviews mentioned it, I actually printed it out and let some of my students look at it (no explanation, no coaching, just asked what they thought), none of them had trouble following at all, bar none -- they even explained stuff back to me in their own words and it was pretty much spot on. :) ;) Hope you weren't completely lost...the title of the prologue was 'six and a half years ago'...that really meant that it was in the past to 'show something', but the story itself takes place 'present day' (I noted the six and a half years later in the title tag line to help). It's hard posting only a little bit at a time...sorry.
Let me know if it sucks too bad, I might not bother....fantasy/sci-fi writes always have lots of 'twists' and stuff that are best enjoyed/discovered/revealed as the story develops....so if it's not enjoyable here online, I might just finish the book offline and publish as a complete write....some of the students were like: so, what happens next? I'll leave out the remainder of their questions about 'Man-bun' and such -- LOL! :) :)
Thanx so much for your support, MQ -- let me know your thoughts. Thanx :)

reply by Debbie Pope on 25-Jan-2019

I was not being critical. I assumed everything was intentional. I like being confused in a story. Who doesn't? It builds excitement.
I read it last night when I was really tired, and I did not get the texting thing.
This morning on a reread, it was perfectly clear. Six and a half years ago is not enough time for her to grow up. Or maybe it is, I need to look back at her age when she was left. Is Dorothy her mother? I will look back on that as well. The age thing and Dorothy were the only things that I was confused about. And, the fact that I expected to be taken back in time. Like I said, I like the unexpected.
I see absolutely nothing wrong with the texting thing. Modern books have to be like that. That's how life functions.

If you aren't getting great reviews, they are not reading it carefully enough.

reply by the author on 25-Jan-2019

Hey -- wasn't directed at you, MQ -- guess I just kinda used you to vent a bit -- I know your review was positive. :) ;) We'll see...maybe folks just need to adjust to the style...we'll see...goodness knows this is me and, at our age, it ain't changin! :) ;) ;) LOL! :) Oh, and there in the author notes it says that Dorothy is Addison's mother and, back in the prologue, states that she was 14 at the time... :) Take care -- I'm off to bring Sheridan to the movie and enjoy some serious eye-candy...Aquaman!! :) ;) Yvette :)

reply by Debbie Pope on 25-Jan-2019

You off today? Good!
Thanks for saving me the time of looking back. The age thing works. She's just young to have that responsibility. She had to grow up quickly.

Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell

Excellent

I was stumped for a minute, wandering what had happened in the transition from the prologue, then I saw it was 6 years later. This was another excellent part, and I'm already looking for the next one. :)) Sandra xx

 Comment Written 25-Jan-2019

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reply by the author on 25-Jan-2019

Hooray! You caught the texting and such ... a number of folks have had trouble following so, good to hear that you're caught up! :) ;) Thanx for taking the time on these, Sandra -- I really appreciate it! :) ;)

Comment from Mustang Patty

Excellent

Hi, Yvette,

I love the interaction between Mom and her son, Addy. Your description of the cat reminded me of my beloved Simba - a huge Norwegian Forest Cat that graced our lives for five years after we adopted him from the Humane Society. (He got a massive kidney infection and passed.) His growl could scare folks away!

I love the use of bold italics for her texts, and you did a good job of showing us, rather than telling us her internal thoughts.

A note:

'The store room storeroom was organized from the last shipment; she'd finished the books for this week and placed the orders for next week; and, given the looks of the remaining tables, she was getting out of here on time this Saturday evening.' This is a whopper of a sentence. Even with the punctuation, when reading it out loud, you get breathless at the end. You may want to consider breaking it up into two more sentences.

Looking forward to more,

~Mustang Patty~

 Comment Written 25-Jan-2019

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reply by the author on 25-Jan-2019

Agreed! :) ;) Hadn't even really noticed that -- brain knowing what I meant when I read it and all...LOL! :) ;) Let me know what you think (if you have a chance - understand if you don't). I do so appreciate your review, Patty - really made me feel good as I respect your input! :) ;) I invite you to continue to follow along (and look over my should for me!) -- take care and have a wonderful weekend! :) ;) Yvette

reply by Mustang Patty on 25-Jan-2019

Your revision is definitely much better - just as a caution - resist the urge to write incomplete sentences - a string of them all together.

Thank you for sharing and your kind response. I'm glad to help,

~MP~

Comment from TheStoryMan

Excellent

This is a very well written chapter. Addy seems to be a very smart little boy. You've done a great job starting your story. I'm interested in learning more about your characters and seeing where the story goes.

 Comment Written 24-Jan-2019

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reply by the author on 25-Jan-2019

Thank you for stopping by, Story Man -- appreciate you time in reviewing! :) ;) Be sure to stay tuned and have a wonderful weekend! :) Yvette

Comment from country ranch writer

Excellent

Sounds like a quiet night for all, sounds like the cat scared who ever it was away. Makes a good guard kitty.so we wonder who is twilight nice work up for this story.

 Comment Written 24-Jan-2019

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reply by the author on 25-Jan-2019

Thank you for your time in reviewing - much appreciated. :) ;) Yvette

Comment from poetwatch

Excellent

I take it Marguerite is grown up now, right Yvette. I like it, its a good beginning to a story. These through me off a little, "Yep, Maggie would call it a win so far. Had your shower and you're reading in bed, yeah?" There is no transition from work to home. She didn't take Addy with her to work that day because of the weather. Bongo is a character that I will have to learn about later. Waiting on the next.

 Comment Written 24-Jan-2019

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reply by the author on 24-Jan-2019

Yeah, the prologue was titled "six and a half years ago" .... I went ahead and added a bit in the 'Present Day' title tag to indicate the 'six and a half years later'. Those kind of things are a problem with posting only a little at a time...there's a lot to grasp in the big picture and folks have to remember A LOT longer than they would if they had the book in their hands. :) :) Thanx for the note.
There is no transition...she is at work, Addy's at home, they're texting....I added a note at the beginning of the first text so that it's more evident to those whose brains aren't wired that way so, thanx for the feedback there. :) :) :) Texting is pretty much the ONLY communication young folks use these days....they use their phones for everything but an actual telephone. :) ;) LOL! :)

Comment from Mastery

Average

Hi, Yvette. I really hate to write this review because you ar one of my favorite people on here and I can see you are trying hard to write this story.

However, the entire piece is telling instead of showing first of all. seconly, you are in and out of past tense and present tense like in your opening paragraph. I couldn't tell if it was in the past or you intended it to be in the present tense.

And, what is with the bold type here and there? Are they supposed to be thoughts or what? In any event they only serve to distract from the story and I don't think they are dialogue because there are no quote marks identifying dialogue.

You need dialogue in any story to propel the story forward and it helps to "show" the story rather than "tell"

I wsh I could grade you better on this, Yvette. don't just go by me and my review...see what other people say.

(I think you would rather have my honesty than B.S.)

Bless you, Bob

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 24-Jan-2019

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reply by the author on 24-Jan-2019

Thank you for your review, Bob. Appreciate the input.

reply by Mastery on 24-Jan-2019

I'm so glad you don't seem to be offended. I am only trying to help...know that please. Bob

Comment from aryr

Excellent

This was very well done Yvette and thoroughly enjoyed. I like the devotion Maggie has committed to in regards to Addison, it was a wonderful tribute to Dorothy. The chapter had a great reading flow and tons of suspense and intrigue. Now of course, I am saying MMMMM regarding Twilight. Thanks so much for sharing.

 Comment Written 24-Jan-2019

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reply by the author on 24-Jan-2019

Hooray! You picked up on the 'flow' with texting and all! I cannot tell you what an awesome feeling I got reading your review....a number of folks didn't so I added a note at the beginning of the first text so that it's more evident to those whose brains aren't wired that way -- when I let some of my students look at it, they had no trouble following at all, bar none - even clearly explained it to me. :) :) Texting is pretty much the ONLY communication young folks use these days....their brains are just wired differently, I guess! :) They use their phones for everything but an actual telephone. :) ;) LOL! :) Thank you for making me smile, aryr -- Yvette

reply by aryr on 25-Jan-2019

You are so welcome Yvette, I guess I dwell in a different mental zone lol, my husband texts all the time, if it is not a call for his work, so texting is part of life. It was great, hey, glad your students caught on.

Comment from robyn corum

Excellent

Yvette,

This was very well-written with no nits visible - and believe me, I have an eagle eye for them. hahaha!

The only things I WOULD mention is that when the chapter started I had no idea that she was texting on a cell phone and it took me a while to get that. It would have been helpful to have been given that info sooner rather than having to piece it together.

Also, the info contained here was rather disjointed. (To me) And a bit more clarity in the form of backstory or extra descriptions or etc would have really helped. When a reader has to STOP reading to try to THINK something through, it means stopping the FLOW which is always, always bad news.

Just some thoughts - do with them what you wish. *smile*

Thanks!

 Comment Written 24-Jan-2019

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reply by the author on 24-Jan-2019

When we have coffee, I have some insights to share, but I'm too %^%#& slow of a typist to speak to them here. :) ;) ;) Suffice to say that I believe authors in general are going to have to decide on their audience these days: younger or older...it's a matter of 'brain wiring', but I digress. :) ;) I added a note at the beginning of the first text so that it's more evident to those whose brains don't automatically 'go there' so, thanx for the heads up! :) ;) Thanx for taking the time to read -- I so very much appreciate it! :) Yvette