Eyes on You
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "First Date"Tommy tries to rescue their family.
10 total reviews
Comment from TheStoryMan
I feel for their situation. It can't be easy watching the one you love be sick. I can tell though that Jen wouldn't approve of what Tommy is doing. If only healthcare wasn't so expensive. This is a very well written chapter.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2019
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I feel for their situation. It can't be easy watching the one you love be sick. I can tell though that Jen wouldn't approve of what Tommy is doing. If only healthcare wasn't so expensive. This is a very well written chapter.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review, I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter. Jen got Tommy away from that life once away from Hernandez. So, she'll be very upset if she finds out.
Thank you again for another great review, take care.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Melissa, It's quite a sad chapter and a nostalgic chapter. I'm afraid that Tommy is on a downward slope however honourable his motives are.
A few things
It was Tommy and I's first and I wanted everything to be perfect. I think I would rephrase this to: It was my first date with Tommy and I wanted everything to be perfect
Being rather plainly, = Being rather plain,
I part of me thought he was going to stand me up like the ones in the past. = A part of me ...
The chaffer laughs. = The chauffeur
What's next I wonder. All best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2019
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Hi Melissa, It's quite a sad chapter and a nostalgic chapter. I'm afraid that Tommy is on a downward slope however honourable his motives are.
A few things
It was Tommy and I's first and I wanted everything to be perfect. I think I would rephrase this to: It was my first date with Tommy and I wanted everything to be perfect
Being rather plainly, = Being rather plain,
I part of me thought he was going to stand me up like the ones in the past. = A part of me ...
The chaffer laughs. = The chauffeur
What's next I wonder. All best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 23-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2019
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Thank you for your wonderful review and all your helpful suggestions. it's always greatly appreciated. The path doesn't look so bright for Tommy on the path he's taking that's for sure. Take care.
Comment from krprice
Great post, but I have a few suggestions.
My friend, Jessie,...commas before and after Jessie
It was our....
Oh, Jess,. . .Change I to A part
My chaffer. . . chauffeur
Tommy and I...stopping. . . w in waltz should not be in caps.
Karlene
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2019
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Great post, but I have a few suggestions.
My friend, Jessie,...commas before and after Jessie
It was our....
Oh, Jess,. . .Change I to A part
My chaffer. . . chauffeur
Tommy and I...stopping. . . w in waltz should not be in caps.
Karlene
Comment Written 23-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review and all your helpful suggestions. They are always greatly appreciated, take care.
Comment from apky
You grabbed me with the romance in the second half of the chapter - yes, your Aki and romance... I simply swoon in the face of true love.
Grave thoughts run through his mind as (he) races to her side
It was Tommy and I's first and I wanted everything to be perfect. ~ This sentence is rather awkward, but it's probably acceptable in American English.
Suggestion: It was our first date, Tommy and I, and I wanted everything to be perfect.
Being rather plainly(plain), I didn't have much experience with the guys.
(delete-I) (add-A) part of me thought he was going to stand me up like the ones in the past.
"I.. I'm Miss(delete-.) Lowe."
The chaffer(chauffeur - unless you have this as the American spelling?) laughs.
"Your suitor awaits(,) madam."
"But I..." I begin.(delete-")
"Please, Tommy, Please(please) tell me your(you're) not."
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2019
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You grabbed me with the romance in the second half of the chapter - yes, your Aki and romance... I simply swoon in the face of true love.
Grave thoughts run through his mind as (he) races to her side
It was Tommy and I's first and I wanted everything to be perfect. ~ This sentence is rather awkward, but it's probably acceptable in American English.
Suggestion: It was our first date, Tommy and I, and I wanted everything to be perfect.
Being rather plainly(plain), I didn't have much experience with the guys.
(delete-I) (add-A) part of me thought he was going to stand me up like the ones in the past.
"I.. I'm Miss(delete-.) Lowe."
The chaffer(chauffeur - unless you have this as the American spelling?) laughs.
"Your suitor awaits(,) madam."
"But I..." I begin.(delete-")
"Please, Tommy, Please(please) tell me your(you're) not."
Comment Written 23-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2019
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My romantic scene grabbed your attention, that is a compliment all in itself, thank you and thank you for the fantastic review and for all of your help, support, and friendship, it's always greatly appreciated, take care.
Comment from Sugarray77
Misty, your development of this chapter pulls on the heartstrings in a big way. The urgent needs that Jen has are so all consuming that it is the driving factor for everything that happens in this story. Good story development.
Melissa
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2019
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Misty, your development of this chapter pulls on the heartstrings in a big way. The urgent needs that Jen has are so all consuming that it is the driving factor for everything that happens in this story. Good story development.
Melissa
Comment Written 22-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2019
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Thank you for your marvelous review I'm so glad you found the chapter enjoyable and that my plot, characters, their love for each other pulled you into their story.
Thank you again for all your reviews, your help, support and friendship, it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from royowen
This Love is such a poignant event forbthis young fictional characters, the beautiful young woman, Jen, and her true lover Tommy. It is most touching and we want Tommy to do well, and for Jen to return to normal health. Well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2019
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This Love is such a poignant event forbthis young fictional characters, the beautiful young woman, Jen, and her true lover Tommy. It is most touching and we want Tommy to do well, and for Jen to return to normal health. Well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 22-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2019
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review, I'm glad the storyline drew you in, helped you connect with the characters.
Thank you again for such a great review all your help support and your friendship it means a lot to me, take care.
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Most welcome
Comment from country ranch writer
It is so sad to go through this please help them get what she needs so tommy don't have to go to jail. It is such a tough break for them to go through so much
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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It is so sad to go through this please help them get what she needs so tommy don't have to go to jail. It is such a tough break for them to go through so much
Comment Written 21-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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thank you so much for your great review, I'm glad you're so connected with the characters to worry so much about their well-being. I'll be sure to keep your request in mind.
Thank you again for your wonderful eview, all your help, support and friendship it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from BigPoppaJrock
Very written chapter, I like how you bounce from present day to the past and back to the present so easily. It had a great flow and ease of transition between the interactions with your character. Nice response at the end "Yes, baby, I swear." He never promised, nice twist.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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Very written chapter, I like how you bounce from present day to the past and back to the present so easily. It had a great flow and ease of transition between the interactions with your character. Nice response at the end "Yes, baby, I swear." He never promised, nice twist.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review and your encouraging words, I'm glad you enjoyed it take care.
Comment from Douglas Paul
I stepped into the middle of your story, but it captured my attention. Your writing flows well and the scenes progress smoothly. You are doing a good job with this
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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I stepped into the middle of your story, but it captured my attention. Your writing flows well and the scenes progress smoothly. You are doing a good job with this
Comment Written 21-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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Thank you for reading my story I'm glad you enjoyed it.I'm almost midway in.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Mistydawn
Oh my, Jen's first date with Tommy, sounds like a girls wish came true is beautifully told.
The scene with Tommy and Jen was written with so much emotion and I could feel the desperation where Tommy is and friends, Vinnie any Larry must rob more homes, enough to pay for Jen's surgery before she dies.
Gert
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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Hello Mistydawn
Oh my, Jen's first date with Tommy, sounds like a girls wish came true is beautifully told.
The scene with Tommy and Jen was written with so much emotion and I could feel the desperation where Tommy is and friends, Vinnie any Larry must rob more homes, enough to pay for Jen's surgery before she dies.
Gert
Comment Written 21-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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Thank you so much for your fantastic review, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I was picturing what I'd like the date to be like if I were Jen.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship, it means a lot to me, take care.
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You are welcome Mistydawn
I'm anxious to see what is going on with Jen with her being so ill and in the hospital.
Gert
