Renaissance of Enchantment
Viewing comments for Prologue "About six and a half years ago..."It was their world long before our existence...
35 total reviews
Comment from meeshu
such an excellent bit of storytelling, Vette. I cannot wait to see where this goes. I love your style, so smooth. you got me hooked, reel me in................meeshu
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2019
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such an excellent bit of storytelling, Vette. I cannot wait to see where this goes. I love your style, so smooth. you got me hooked, reel me in................meeshu
Comment Written 21-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2019
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Thanx for coming along for the ride, sir -- hoping to prep the next entry by Friday morning....I gotta play the 'slice it up' game and decide where to cut up the chapter I banged out when I was feeling 'dumpy' a couple of weeks ago. :) It's such great therapy for me that I'm already working on Chapter 2 .... crazy blonde!! :) ;) So, stay tuned to be reeled in, sir! :) MD :)
Comment from giraffmang
Hmm... no idea what's going on with this just yet, but I like that. It certainly has my interest right from the off. very neat. the emotions are rife and raw here. Always good to keep those bits as real as possible and then you can swing the tale any which way. good stuff.
Some things I spotted as I read through-
"But daddy, why? I don't understand," - Daddy should probably be capitalised here.
Just a little word to be careful with your adverb usage. Early on they sort of stuck out a little. They can expose a weakness in verb choice. (you also use the same ones over again)
Not with puberty and...," he sobbed - you don't need the comma when using the ellipsis. they signify a longer pause or trailing off anyway.
to the soft-spoken caseworker."You'll find the proper - spacing here.
Maggie resisted their goading, hands covering her eyes, - maybe not use goading here as it has connotations with teasing and riling, maybe use urging or cajoling.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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Hmm... no idea what's going on with this just yet, but I like that. It certainly has my interest right from the off. very neat. the emotions are rife and raw here. Always good to keep those bits as real as possible and then you can swing the tale any which way. good stuff.
Some things I spotted as I read through-
"But daddy, why? I don't understand," - Daddy should probably be capitalised here.
Just a little word to be careful with your adverb usage. Early on they sort of stuck out a little. They can expose a weakness in verb choice. (you also use the same ones over again)
Not with puberty and...," he sobbed - you don't need the comma when using the ellipsis. they signify a longer pause or trailing off anyway.
to the soft-spoken caseworker."You'll find the proper - spacing here.
Maggie resisted their goading, hands covering her eyes, - maybe not use goading here as it has connotations with teasing and riling, maybe use urging or cajoling.
All the best
G
Comment Written 21-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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Good morning, G! :) Thank you for being my second set of eyes - your time and your efforts are always greatly appreciated! :) Have gone through and put in changes ... think I've eliminated the adverb problem (or at least most of them), but there's something about them that must be addictive to my brain when I 'get into' my prose...they must have something like a chocolate appeal to my subconscious cuz chocolate is always irresistible, right? :) ;) LOL! Seriously, though, thanx for your awesome help! :) ;) Appreciate your following -- glad to have you on board! :) ;) Yvette :)
Comment from Debbie Pope
Oh, I am going to love this, Yvette. I have been entertaining company for the last couple of days, and I have not been able to review like I wanted. I saw your posting and was anxious to read your story, but I wanted time to myself to enjoy it.
Now with toast and coffee in hand, I am in heaven. I am thinking that Maggie's mom has special powers and obligations that separate her from modern day times. She left Maggie because she had to. I'm not so sure about Maggie's dad. His comment that she was too much like her mother indicates the danger involved. Maybe he was trying to protect everyone by removing her from her home, but my impression is that he was trying to protect himself from the stepmother. She clearly has evil power, but it may be ordinary human evil.
Maggie has clearly been transported back in time. I think that her mother did it. Why the skateboards? Is there a blending of time periods?
These are just my impressions. I hope it is helpful to see where you are taking the reader.
As to improvements, there is only one phrase that bothered me--"just her and the boys." Shouldn't that be "just she and the boys." I researched it, but I am not positive that I am right. You probably know or ask your AP English teacher.
Can't wait for the next installment. I see that it is waiting.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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Oh, I am going to love this, Yvette. I have been entertaining company for the last couple of days, and I have not been able to review like I wanted. I saw your posting and was anxious to read your story, but I wanted time to myself to enjoy it.
Now with toast and coffee in hand, I am in heaven. I am thinking that Maggie's mom has special powers and obligations that separate her from modern day times. She left Maggie because she had to. I'm not so sure about Maggie's dad. His comment that she was too much like her mother indicates the danger involved. Maybe he was trying to protect everyone by removing her from her home, but my impression is that he was trying to protect himself from the stepmother. She clearly has evil power, but it may be ordinary human evil.
Maggie has clearly been transported back in time. I think that her mother did it. Why the skateboards? Is there a blending of time periods?
These are just my impressions. I hope it is helpful to see where you are taking the reader.
As to improvements, there is only one phrase that bothered me--"just her and the boys." Shouldn't that be "just she and the boys." I researched it, but I am not positive that I am right. You probably know or ask your AP English teacher.
Can't wait for the next installment. I see that it is waiting.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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Wow - what beautiful stars that I woke up to this morning -- thanx MQ! ;) ;) And, I'm gonna tell you a secret (and this might be cuz you've grown to know me too well): your the only one that's beginning to ask the right kind of questions...but others might just not have taken the time to type them as you did (cuz you're awesome!). :) ;) I'll let you discover which assumptions/questions were the right ones...:) :) ;) Oh, and the English thing....and here's where my outrageous Senior English teacher's impressions on me shine through (I think I learned more from high school English than I've learned in the decades since!)....'her and the boys' is a compound object of the proposition...so you have to make sure each one would be correct following the prep if it were by itself. :) ;) I did find this for you on some website when I searched on 'compound object of preposition':
The object of the preposition is the noun at the end of a prepositional phrase. If there are two nouns, that is a compound object of the preposition. Examples: Give it to him and me. It is across from the post office and the police station.
But thank you SO MUCH for looking over my shoulder! :) PLEASE continue to do so! :) ;) Thanx for everything, MQ -- I'm so glad to have you on board!! :) ;) Yvette
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Thank you for taking the time to explain that grammar rule. I really did want to know and researched it to no avail. It makes sense with just as a preposition. I just did not know what part of speech just was.
I have another chapter to read today. I can't wait.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Yvette,
I'm so glad I caught this right at the beginning. Your book will be one of the ones I follow...
a few notes:
'Yours and mine! It was ours before her+, or the others even came along!"' A comma is needed before the conjunction 'or,' in a compound sentence.
'"Hey+< Miss?"' Grammatically, in any type of greeting, there is a comma between the greeting and a name or pronoun.
'...to the governmentcase worker caseworker. Compound word
Looking forward to see what happens next,
~Mustang Patty~
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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Hi, Yvette,
I'm so glad I caught this right at the beginning. Your book will be one of the ones I follow...
a few notes:
'Yours and mine! It was ours before her+, or the others even came along!"' A comma is needed before the conjunction 'or,' in a compound sentence.
'"Hey+< Miss?"' Grammatically, in any type of greeting, there is a comma between the greeting and a name or pronoun.
'...to the government
Looking forward to see what happens next,
~Mustang Patty~
Comment Written 21-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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Good morning, Patty! :) Thank you for being my second set of eyes - your time and your efforts are always greatly appreciated! :) Have gone through and put in changes -- you're awesome! :) ;) Thanx for following -- glad to have you on board! :) ;) Yvette :)
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Well you have certainly set the scene here Yvette and now the journey begins for poor Maggie! It doesn't sound like the best of starts, without family, but I am keen to know what happens, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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Well you have certainly set the scene here Yvette and now the journey begins for poor Maggie! It doesn't sound like the best of starts, without family, but I am keen to know what happens, love Dolly x
Comment Written 21-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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Oh, I'm so glad you enjoyed this one, Dolly, and I'm honored to have you along for the ride! :) Take care! :) Yvette
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written start to your story, the background of the coming events is already intriguing and the presence of a very bad stepmother that causing Maggie to be send away by her own father, is heartbreaking to begin with.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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A very well-written start to your story, the background of the coming events is already intriguing and the presence of a very bad stepmother that causing Maggie to be send away by her own father, is heartbreaking to begin with.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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Thanx for the positive review, Sandra -- so glad to have you on board! :) ;) Have a great week! :) Yvette
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Yvette. so you are going to try a book, eh? Good for you. I found this prologue interesting and it caught my attention alright, but actually you could have trimmed it way down and accomplished the same thing Girl leaves home, girl finds no help and is alone.
You did prey good,but there was a lot of "telling" and very little "showing" and you know what a cardinal rule that is in any writing, I'm sure.
You would garner a lot more interest in this if you slowed way down and put a lot of detail and imagery in it. What does Maggie look like? What do the other people look like. I cannot see them, because you did not "show" me.
Don't get me wrong, Yvette. this is a good effort and with some trimming and concentrating on just the girl and her leaving for a prologue you will be fine.
Blessings. Bob
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reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
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Hi, Yvette. so you are going to try a book, eh? Good for you. I found this prologue interesting and it caught my attention alright, but actually you could have trimmed it way down and accomplished the same thing Girl leaves home, girl finds no help and is alone.
You did prey good,but there was a lot of "telling" and very little "showing" and you know what a cardinal rule that is in any writing, I'm sure.
You would garner a lot more interest in this if you slowed way down and put a lot of detail and imagery in it. What does Maggie look like? What do the other people look like. I cannot see them, because you did not "show" me.
Don't get me wrong, Yvette. this is a good effort and with some trimming and concentrating on just the girl and her leaving for a prologue you will be fine.
Blessings. Bob
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
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Thanx so much for your time and your advice, Bob -- will definitely focus on those points. Have a great evening! :)
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I will be glad to guide and help you in anyway I can behind the scenes if you prefer. :) Bob
Comment from poetwatch
Alright, Yvette! Good start to the story. Like the wicked stepmother in Cinderella to home away from home caseworker and then the boys of the park. Wonder where Miss Marguerite wander into? guess I'll read your other chapter and find out.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
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Alright, Yvette! Good start to the story. Like the wicked stepmother in Cinderella to home away from home caseworker and then the boys of the park. Wonder where Miss Marguerite wander into? guess I'll read your other chapter and find out.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
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LOL! Never thought about the Cinderella aspect, Jose -- good one! Although this was just a 'set-up' for the beginning of chapter 1, we'll have to see how things go....and, don't worry, this little incident will certainly be revisited! :) :) Thank you for your support, Jose - it really means a lot, sir! :) ;) Take care and have a great week ahead! :) :) Yvette
Comment from lyenochka
Super start, Yvette! You got this reader completely engaged and worrying for this poor youngster. It is probably the worst thing for a child that is going through so much internal changes of the hormonal flux of puberty and now being rejected and forced out of all that's familiar. But who are these young boys and where are they taking her to? And what happened to the case worker... so many questions!
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
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Super start, Yvette! You got this reader completely engaged and worrying for this poor youngster. It is probably the worst thing for a child that is going through so much internal changes of the hormonal flux of puberty and now being rejected and forced out of all that's familiar. But who are these young boys and where are they taking her to? And what happened to the case worker... so many questions!
Comment Written 20-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
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Hooray, Helen! :) ;) Good to hear that enjoyed! :) Oh, I am so glad you're already thinking outside the box cuz there are definitely some things here that may need to be 'thought about' ... :) :) And, although this is just to 'set the stage' for the beginning of chapter 1, it will be re-visited. :) ;) Thanx so much for the review and for your great comments, and, most of all, for your support -- that means a lot from such a prolific author as yourself! :) ;) Take care! :) Yvette
Comment from aryr
This was an exciting introduction chapter, Yvette. It gave us, the readers an insight into Miss Marguerite Atkinson aka Maggie but called Magpie by her deserting father. I chuckled at your narrative making the reference to being on an airplane, nice touch.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
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This was an exciting introduction chapter, Yvette. It gave us, the readers an insight into Miss Marguerite Atkinson aka Maggie but called Magpie by her deserting father. I chuckled at your narrative making the reference to being on an airplane, nice touch.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
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Yes - deserting father...such a loser, yeah? :) :) I am so glad you enjoyed, aryr -- and, although this is just to 'set the stage' for the beginning of chapter 1, it will definitely be re-visited. :) ;) Thanx for your review and for your support, ma'am, and have a wonderful week ahead! :) ;) Yvette
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You are so welcome Yvette, I look forward to following this.
