Renaissance of Enchantment
Viewing comments for Prologue "About six and a half years ago..."It was their world long before our existence...
35 total reviews
Comment from Stephen Force
Great introduction! The action moved forward smoothly and rapidly, You have set the hook, and now I am looking forward to finding what happened and what is going to happen. I don't think the case worker and assistant went anywhere, but I want to know where Maggie has gotten to and how, excellent.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2019
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Great introduction! The action moved forward smoothly and rapidly, You have set the hook, and now I am looking forward to finding what happened and what is going to happen. I don't think the case worker and assistant went anywhere, but I want to know where Maggie has gotten to and how, excellent.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2019
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Oh, Stephen, I am so very glad you took advantage of the offer to catch up with Maggie's story.... I have been 'out of it' with family things (Easter and my middle son defended his honour's thesis yesterday out of state) and am slowly getting caught up.... but summer's coming soon (and we teachers LOVE summer!)! ;) ;) I am so very happy to have you on board and I look forward to hearing your feedback as we move along..... there will be a slight lull until probably sometime next month (got three boys graduating and have to 'move' two of them in addition to 'teacher duties' at home!), but I promise to resume sometime then! ;);) Welcome aboard, sir, and thanx again! ;) ;)
Comment from susand3022
Like Glinda the Good Witch said, "It's always best, to begin at the beginning. So, now I get to see just what happened to that poor little girl first hand that I read about before I got to the beginning! LOL
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2019
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Like Glinda the Good Witch said, "It's always best, to begin at the beginning. So, now I get to see just what happened to that poor little girl first hand that I read about before I got to the beginning! LOL
Comment Written 17-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2019
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Hooray!! So glad your jumping on for the ride -- welcome aboard! ;) Yvette
Comment from Bill Schott
Well, it seems that Magpie, or Maggie, has left the situation she was left in and ended up in a totally different one. Sounds good already.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2019
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Well, it seems that Magpie, or Maggie, has left the situation she was left in and ended up in a totally different one. Sounds good already.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2019
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Hey, so good to have you on board! ;) And I'm glad it looks good so far....be sure to stay tuned! ;) Tnanx again! ;) Yvette
Comment from Dawn Munro
Nope. No way to split this up IMO either--it's wonderful, and not long when the read is as compelling as this. I'm dying to follow the story now, so your opening couldn't be better. Moving on to the next bit...
But first, one small (and possibly NOT correct!!!) suggestion (because under extreme duress, even an older child might use "Daddy"). I pictured a very young child because of "Daddy", not "Dad", so I was surprised at one bit of dialogue -- when she had the gumption to call her stepmother his bitch of a wife.
I can't wait to read more!
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2019
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Nope. No way to split this up IMO either--it's wonderful, and not long when the read is as compelling as this. I'm dying to follow the story now, so your opening couldn't be better. Moving on to the next bit...
But first, one small (and possibly NOT correct!!!) suggestion (because under extreme duress, even an older child might use "Daddy"). I pictured a very young child because of "Daddy", not "Dad", so I was surprised at one bit of dialogue -- when she had the gumption to call her stepmother his bitch of a wife.
I can't wait to read more!
Comment Written 26-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2019
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You know, I never thought of that....down South, "Daddy" is always "Daddy" no matter the age, but we are talking New York so, I'll go in and change that...thank you for that 'bonk on the head'! :) :) It means a lot to have your support, Dawn -- afraid my style is different from what folks are used to...thank you! :) :) Yvette
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I missed this. It's a brilliant start. I'm glad I have the other part to read now. I think this young girl has just travelled back in time. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2019
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I missed this. It's a brilliant start. I'm glad I have the other part to read now. I think this young girl has just travelled back in time. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 25-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2019
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Oh, I'm glad you enjoyed, Sandra -- hope you hang in there for the whole story...it's a big,ol' wide world out there...:) ;) :) Yvette :)
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Oh my, what is to happen to poor little Maggie. How awful to be abandoned by a parent. I find this really well written. I didn't see any errors and am looking forward to the next chapter to see what becomes of Maggie.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2019
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Oh my, what is to happen to poor little Maggie. How awful to be abandoned by a parent. I find this really well written. I didn't see any errors and am looking forward to the next chapter to see what becomes of Maggie.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2019
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Oh, Roxanna, I am so glad you've joined Maggie for her story...and don't worry, this was just some necessary backstory, but I do hope you paid attention cuz there were a few hints/oddities in here...:) :) Thanx for the review, ma'am - and be sure to buckle up! :) Yvette :)
Comment from royowen
Great opening, I could feel the strong emotion emanating, but I did not understand the weak father's stance either, I couldn't have left eith one of my girls in the lurch like that. I'm sure this is going to be really interesting Yvette. Well this reader is all stirred up. Well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2019
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Great opening, I could feel the strong emotion emanating, but I did not understand the weak father's stance either, I couldn't have left eith one of my girls in the lurch like that. I'm sure this is going to be really interesting Yvette. Well this reader is all stirred up. Well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 22-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2019
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Oh, Roy, I am so glad you've joined Maggie for her story...and don't worry, this was just some necessary backstory, but I do hope you paid attention cuz there were a few hints/oddities in here...:) :) Thanx for the review, sir - and you've read my poetry...so, be sure to buckle up! :) Yvette :)
Comment from Bucketlist
Well! You have my interest peaked! I usually 'don't do' book reviews but I think I can't escape this eclecticly ordered, well written, bait! "Somewhere in Time" and space will unfold the big picture
Hugs, Trisha
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2019
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Well! You have my interest peaked! I usually 'don't do' book reviews but I think I can't escape this eclecticly ordered, well written, bait! "Somewhere in Time" and space will unfold the big picture
Hugs, Trisha
Comment Written 22-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2019
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Oh, Trisha, I am so glad you've joined Maggie for her story...and don't worry, this was just some necessary backstory, but I do hope you paid attention cuz there were a few hints/oddities in here...:) :) Thanx for the review, ma'am - and you've read this crazy blonde's poetry so, be sure to buckle up! :) Yvette :)
Comment from robyn corum
Yvette, (4)
I really liked this post! Wow. Sooooo very intriguing. And I'm guessing those 'couple pairs of shoes' belonged to a certain caseworker and her assistant - who are now: Poof! Hmmm... So, let's don't mess with Maggie, huh?
I thunked this was gonna be a situation where our heroine was taken back in time - thus the little boys in the strange hats -- but the skateboarders tossed that idea. So I suppose I shall have to wait until the creator of the tale deigns to share more. ugh. I hate waiting.
Impressions: Nice, tight, talented writing, that not only tells the story, but also shows the reader what's happening. Great job on that.
The characters are good. Well-defined - at least our little star. Her pain and heartache come through crystal clear. We are already pulling for her (and praying for a pleasant car wreck for good old dad and step-mom.)
I'm not sure if we've been in this situation yet, but I'm a pretty honest reviewer. I treat people the way I want to be treated, and I am certainly willing to hear any critiques if it will help me improve a story OR my craft. I'm hoping you feel the same way. (fingers crossed.) *smile*
I did see a few places where another look could help and made some notes for you. Of course, you are welcome to use these notes or chuck them, as you see fit. *smile*
1.) "But Daddy, why? I don't understand(.)" Maggie was choking on her sobs
--> Maggie was choking... is not a speech tag.
2.) as her dad handed her (suitcase) to
3.) "I can't keep up the charade, not after last week(.)" (H)er dad sounded
broken(.)
--> not a speech tag
4.) I'd hoped not, but you're too much like your mum,
--> IMO, the first part really isn't relevant - suggest:
--> You're too much like your mum,
5.) Not with puberty and..." (H)e sobbed as he kissed her cheek,
--> not a speech tag
6.) The government agent wore a warm smile as she put (a hand) out to reassure him(.)
--> I'm not sure what that arm would do -- or maybe I just can't picture it.
7.) Her father nodded his understanding.
--> Her father nodded.
8.) "Come on, Marguerite," the caseworker (said) as the much
--> using 'spoke' makes this a statement. Using 'said' makes it a speech tag.
9.) larger male assistant started to gently nudge her to follow,
--> did he START? Or did he NUDGE?
10.) Maggie felt her body go cold and seize within her
--> try to avoid 'felt'
--> Maggie's body went cold...
I sure hope you will find something helpful here. AND not be frustrated with me about the rating -- which I will *happily* return and change as soon as you let me know you've done a bit of editing.
I think I'm going to enjoy this story. Hurry with more!!
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2019
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Yvette, (4)
I really liked this post! Wow. Sooooo very intriguing. And I'm guessing those 'couple pairs of shoes' belonged to a certain caseworker and her assistant - who are now: Poof! Hmmm... So, let's don't mess with Maggie, huh?
I thunked this was gonna be a situation where our heroine was taken back in time - thus the little boys in the strange hats -- but the skateboarders tossed that idea. So I suppose I shall have to wait until the creator of the tale deigns to share more. ugh. I hate waiting.
Impressions: Nice, tight, talented writing, that not only tells the story, but also shows the reader what's happening. Great job on that.
The characters are good. Well-defined - at least our little star. Her pain and heartache come through crystal clear. We are already pulling for her (and praying for a pleasant car wreck for good old dad and step-mom.)
I'm not sure if we've been in this situation yet, but I'm a pretty honest reviewer. I treat people the way I want to be treated, and I am certainly willing to hear any critiques if it will help me improve a story OR my craft. I'm hoping you feel the same way. (fingers crossed.) *smile*
I did see a few places where another look could help and made some notes for you. Of course, you are welcome to use these notes or chuck them, as you see fit. *smile*
1.) "But Daddy, why? I don't understand(.)" Maggie was choking on her sobs
--> Maggie was choking... is not a speech tag.
2.) as her dad handed her (suitcase) to
3.) "I can't keep up the charade, not after last week(.)" (H)er dad sounded
broken(.)
--> not a speech tag
4.) I'd hoped not, but you're too much like your mum,
--> IMO, the first part really isn't relevant - suggest:
--> You're too much like your mum,
5.) Not with puberty and..." (H)e sobbed as he kissed her cheek,
--> not a speech tag
6.) The government agent wore a warm smile as she put (a hand) out to reassure him(.)
--> I'm not sure what that arm would do -- or maybe I just can't picture it.
7.) Her father nodded his understanding.
--> Her father nodded.
8.) "Come on, Marguerite," the caseworker (said) as the much
--> using 'spoke' makes this a statement. Using 'said' makes it a speech tag.
9.) larger male assistant started to gently nudge her to follow,
--> did he START? Or did he NUDGE?
10.) Maggie felt her body go cold and seize within her
--> try to avoid 'felt'
--> Maggie's body went cold...
I sure hope you will find something helpful here. AND not be frustrated with me about the rating -- which I will *happily* return and change as soon as you let me know you've done a bit of editing.
I think I'm going to enjoy this story. Hurry with more!!
Comment Written 22-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2019
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Thanx for the review, Robyn -- funny how some of your comments would undo those of other reviewers. :) ;) I think somehow, I'm just gonna have to go with my style on some things. I understand that you and others would re-do your stars if I go back and forth, but that's just an endless journey down a rabbit hole with so many different inputs, especially with the contradictions (fix something for one reviewer, get their stars to change, then put it back for another, get those stars to change...almost feels an underhanded and stressful way to get stars and I don't write for that kind of stress -- I teach school for that kind of stress!) - LOL! :) I so very much appreciate your comments as well as those of others -- seriously don't know what I'd do without them as they have truly helped and continue to help me as a writer -- and I certainly don't want you to stop at all (please know that!!) but I would be revising into perpetuity if I responded to all the pulls in all the different directions and back again. So, I will look at these and a few of them I will definitely implement -- just want you to know that I will not be going back for your approval or for star revision and I hope you understand that. :) :) Have a wonderful week, ma'am! :) Yvette
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I understand completely. It's not for my benefit I offer that. Most people get so freaked out by any reduction in stars it's crazy. They forget that FS deducts the lowest rating (and the highest one)
My advice is to always use your own good judgement. You will definitely get a lot of different opinions. But only you know what you want from your writing and what you goals are. And only you can create your own special and unique style. As you write, you will learn (as you already know) that some suggestions are good and others should be taken with a grain of salt. You can weigh them all and decide which work for YOU.
You don't hurt my feelings at all. MY job is to share all the things I see that might help you. YOUR job is to weed through the tips and find the ones that work for you.
If we both do that, the writing will SHINE.
Thanks so much!!
Comment from TheStoryMan
You have the start of what looks to be a fascinating story. One minor issue...would not meeting her gaze should be would not meet her gaze. Poor Maggie.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2019
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You have the start of what looks to be a fascinating story. One minor issue...would not meeting her gaze should be would not meet her gaze. Poor Maggie.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2019
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Thank you for the review and for the catch there, StoryMan -- appreciate your input and the time you put into the review! ;) Have a wonderful week! :) Yvette
