Thoughts About Love
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Caged Heart"My Collection of Love Poetry
7 total reviews
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You have a good start on your sonnet, Bucketlist. The picture is great. Your theme is well-expressed. I know meter is difficult as it is for me. Try this line, it is from a song but shows the stressed/unstressed 5 iambic feet-da Dum / da Dum/ da Dum/ da Dum / da Dum
da= unstressed
Dum= stressed
I'd ra / ther be / a ham / mer than / a nail
u s u s u s u s u s
u=unstressed
s=stressed
Your 14 lines need to match this pattern
Maybe this will help--it has helped me
Thanks for sharing. Best wishes.
Jan
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
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You have a good start on your sonnet, Bucketlist. The picture is great. Your theme is well-expressed. I know meter is difficult as it is for me. Try this line, it is from a song but shows the stressed/unstressed 5 iambic feet-da Dum / da Dum/ da Dum/ da Dum / da Dum
da= unstressed
Dum= stressed
I'd ra / ther be / a ham / mer than / a nail
u s u s u s u s u s
u=unstressed
s=stressed
Your 14 lines need to match this pattern
Maybe this will help--it has helped me
Thanks for sharing. Best wishes.
Jan
Comment Written 27-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
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Obviously I?m in the right direction, and I appreciate your input. I didn?t expect to win anyway I like the style challenge.! I?m too short of time with this one, but I?ll keep trying.
Hugs, Trisha
Comment from Carola Fernandez
Lovely sonnet entry. Very romantic and written with a lot of emotion. Nice flow. Good selection of rhyming words. I got a little stuck with the comma after released - I don't know if you need it there - "My spirit soared, which released ,all my strife"
Again...it's just my humble opinion. The picture/video is perfect for your poem. Best wishes!
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
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Lovely sonnet entry. Very romantic and written with a lot of emotion. Nice flow. Good selection of rhyming words. I got a little stuck with the comma after released - I don't know if you need it there - "My spirit soared, which released ,all my strife"
Again...it's just my humble opinion. The picture/video is perfect for your poem. Best wishes!
Comment Written 27-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
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Thank you so much again for your lovely review Carola,
Hugs,
Comment from Dean Kuch
Everyone knows why the caged heart sings. Right, Trisha?
For the very same reasons a caged bird does, of course.
And why, you might ask, does the caged bird sing?
Because the caged bird is trapped by the bars of rage - it has no other way to express itself but to sing with a fearful trill. It sings of freedom and love loudly enough so it can be heard on the distant hill.
Lovely sonnet.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2019
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Everyone knows why the caged heart sings. Right, Trisha?
For the very same reasons a caged bird does, of course.
And why, you might ask, does the caged bird sing?
Because the caged bird is trapped by the bars of rage - it has no other way to express itself but to sing with a fearful trill. It sings of freedom and love loudly enough so it can be heard on the distant hill.
Lovely sonnet.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2019
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I?myou are SO smart Mr K! Thanks a million for your great review. You left me crying while I was trying to trill
Hugs, Trisha
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You're very welcome. :-)))
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Oh, Trisha - I absolutely love the theme of your write here -- it's really awesome with it being more of tribute than a 'love letter' as so many sonnets can be -- great job. :) The only issue that stands out is that each line is too short to call the poem an actual sonnet -- each line is usually in iambic pentameter with that age-old rhythmic sound that I can still see my nutty English teacher dancing around and up and down as she sang "tee-TUM, tee-TUM, tee-TUM...." Well, I think you get the picture! :) LOL! :) You know who writes tons of sonnets and she's great at it here on FanStory? It's Dolly -- her call-sign is Dolly'sPoems and if you look up her portfolio you'll find lots of examples there! :) ;) Sonnets are NOT in my wheel house so you are braver than I, ma'am!! :) ;) Thanx for sharing and good luck making this one fit. :) ;) Yvette :)
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2019
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Oh, Trisha - I absolutely love the theme of your write here -- it's really awesome with it being more of tribute than a 'love letter' as so many sonnets can be -- great job. :) The only issue that stands out is that each line is too short to call the poem an actual sonnet -- each line is usually in iambic pentameter with that age-old rhythmic sound that I can still see my nutty English teacher dancing around and up and down as she sang "tee-TUM, tee-TUM, tee-TUM...." Well, I think you get the picture! :) LOL! :) You know who writes tons of sonnets and she's great at it here on FanStory? It's Dolly -- her call-sign is Dolly'sPoems and if you look up her portfolio you'll find lots of examples there! :) ;) Sonnets are NOT in my wheel house so you are braver than I, ma'am!! :) ;) Thanx for sharing and good luck making this one fit. :) ;) Yvette :)
Comment Written 23-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2019
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Thanks for your review and kind- help
Hugs Trisha
Comment from KyColonel Randal
Thank you for sharing. Your rhyme scheme is on point but your meter is uneven. I love the animated illustration. I don't know how strict the contest committee is on meter, but good luck with your contest entry!
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2019
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Thank you for sharing. Your rhyme scheme is on point but your meter is uneven. I love the animated illustration. I don't know how strict the contest committee is on meter, but good luck with your contest entry!
Comment Written 23-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2019
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Thanks for your review and kind- help
Hugs Trisha
Comment from meeshu
You have created some great images here, Trisha. and I love the message in this poem. your writing is thoughtful and descriptive, but to be a sonnet you need five foot meter. there are so many variations I could be mistaken, I wish you contest luck.........................meeshu
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2019
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You have created some great images here, Trisha. and I love the message in this poem. your writing is thoughtful and descriptive, but to be a sonnet you need five foot meter. there are so many variations I could be mistaken, I wish you contest luck.........................meeshu
Comment Written 23-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2019
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Thanks for your review and kind- help
Hugs Trisha
Comment from kiwisteveh
Your poem is an emotive write expressing love and you have followed the required rhyme scheme for a Shakespearean sonnet. Unfortunately, you have not understood the requirement for a sonnet to be written in iambic pentameter. That is, every line must be ten syllables and in iambic form, like this:
dee-DUM, dee-DUM, dee-DUM, dee-DUM, dee-DUM
As an example, I have taken one of your stanzas and expanded it to meet the required meter. You had:
You showed me the way
filled my caged heart with love
To break its chains that day
To fly free like a dove
This could be rewritten something like this:
When I was lost, you helped me find the way.
My prisoned heart you filled with your sweet love
to break the chains that bound it on that day
and let it fly as freely as a dove.
Good luck with fixing this.
Steve
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2019
 |
Your poem is an emotive write expressing love and you have followed the required rhyme scheme for a Shakespearean sonnet. Unfortunately, you have not understood the requirement for a sonnet to be written in iambic pentameter. That is, every line must be ten syllables and in iambic form, like this:
dee-DUM, dee-DUM, dee-DUM, dee-DUM, dee-DUM
As an example, I have taken one of your stanzas and expanded it to meet the required meter. You had:
You showed me the way
filled my caged heart with love
To break its chains that day
To fly free like a dove
This could be rewritten something like this:
When I was lost, you helped me find the way.
My prisoned heart you filled with your sweet love
to break the chains that bound it on that day
and let it fly as freely as a dove.
Good luck with fixing this.
Steve
Comment Written 23-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2019
-
Thanks for your review and kind- help
Hugs Trisha
