Baker's Dozen
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Wake Up Call"Ben Baker has to hunt down and kill twelve people
26 total reviews
Comment from Kiera Haley
I'll admit that I haven't read any of your other chapters, but despite not being familiar with the story, this chapter was captivating! Your writing is fantastic and you use vivid descriptions and interesting words to really bring the reader in. I love how you brought some humour into the otherwise serious situation. I have a few suggestions that I'll include just in case you are interested, but you are absolutely free to ignore them! Most of your sentences were strong, which is great, but a few stood out to me that I thought could maybe be improved. For example, the sentence, "He tried to force his mind to comprehend faster and his vision to sharpen." I think it might be stronger if worded something along the lines of "He willed his mind to comprehend faster and blinked furiously in an attempt to sharpen his vision." Also the following line: "The pain in his neck and his shoulder were becoming more noticeable as he began sensing his environment." I think this could be more impactful if you describe his pain (is it dull, is it sharp, is it muscle or skin, etc.) and focus on what he begins to sense within his environment because it wouldn't all come through at once, but he would first see a shape coming towards him or an object near him or something like that. The same idea about being specific could be applied to the phrase "a bunch of rounds" as that seems a bit too general and it comes across as amateur writing, especially in comparison to the excellent writing of the majority of the chapter. One last thing about the sentence "The voice from the amorphous form before him was either trying to test whether he knew his own name, or didn't actually know who he was." This seems like a general statement and I think it could be more effective if written more like: "Ben couldn't tell whether the voice from the amorphous form actually didn't know his name or whether he was testing to see if Ben knew his own name." Once again, you are absolutely free to ignore these suggestions! Overall, I think you are a great writer and it sounds like you are really going somewhere with this book so keep it up!
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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I'll admit that I haven't read any of your other chapters, but despite not being familiar with the story, this chapter was captivating! Your writing is fantastic and you use vivid descriptions and interesting words to really bring the reader in. I love how you brought some humour into the otherwise serious situation. I have a few suggestions that I'll include just in case you are interested, but you are absolutely free to ignore them! Most of your sentences were strong, which is great, but a few stood out to me that I thought could maybe be improved. For example, the sentence, "He tried to force his mind to comprehend faster and his vision to sharpen." I think it might be stronger if worded something along the lines of "He willed his mind to comprehend faster and blinked furiously in an attempt to sharpen his vision." Also the following line: "The pain in his neck and his shoulder were becoming more noticeable as he began sensing his environment." I think this could be more impactful if you describe his pain (is it dull, is it sharp, is it muscle or skin, etc.) and focus on what he begins to sense within his environment because it wouldn't all come through at once, but he would first see a shape coming towards him or an object near him or something like that. The same idea about being specific could be applied to the phrase "a bunch of rounds" as that seems a bit too general and it comes across as amateur writing, especially in comparison to the excellent writing of the majority of the chapter. One last thing about the sentence "The voice from the amorphous form before him was either trying to test whether he knew his own name, or didn't actually know who he was." This seems like a general statement and I think it could be more effective if written more like: "Ben couldn't tell whether the voice from the amorphous form actually didn't know his name or whether he was testing to see if Ben knew his own name." Once again, you are absolutely free to ignore these suggestions! Overall, I think you are a great writer and it sounds like you are really going somewhere with this book so keep it up!
Comment Written 16-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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Hi, Kiera. I appreciate your close reading and helpful suggestions. I get a bit excited with a plot coming together and I get a bit lazy at times. Your examples of changes look good and I will consider them in the next revision. Thanks. Bill
Comment from SLMorrical
This is very good. This type of story makes a good read. I was glued to it. I think it was a good idea for Ben to give the wrong name. Apparently G.I. Joseph didn't know who Ben was. I love the cliff hanger it made me want to know more. Very well done. Keep writing.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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This is very good. This type of story makes a good read. I was glued to it. I think it was a good idea for Ben to give the wrong name. Apparently G.I. Joseph didn't know who Ben was. I love the cliff hanger it made me want to know more. Very well done. Keep writing.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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Thanks, SL, for the upbeat review. Bill
Comment from krys123
Cheers, Bill;As
> Robert Butcher, a gumshoe of gumshoes Within Corporation force that makes easy searches of public privacy. What a great ending. So. I can definitely see, where Robert Butcher would have a list of names on his arm. Chuckle!
>The macabre sarcastic humorous outlook, especially this=>"...Connor bringing him a prize for surviving. That would hopefully be presented as a 'Get out of execution free card', or other facsimile acknowledging he was done with this and able to leave." Ha! Ha! Ha! This fits in so well for both characters and I can see this actually happening.
> Really entertaining, Bill to go back and read the first part.
>Take care and have a good one, Especially because you deserve it.
Alx
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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Cheers, Bill;As
> Robert Butcher, a gumshoe of gumshoes Within Corporation force that makes easy searches of public privacy. What a great ending. So. I can definitely see, where Robert Butcher would have a list of names on his arm. Chuckle!
>The macabre sarcastic humorous outlook, especially this=>"...Connor bringing him a prize for surviving. That would hopefully be presented as a 'Get out of execution free card', or other facsimile acknowledging he was done with this and able to leave." Ha! Ha! Ha! This fits in so well for both characters and I can see this actually happening.
> Really entertaining, Bill to go back and read the first part.
>Take care and have a good one, Especially because you deserve it.
Alx
Comment Written 16-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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I?m glad you like the cliffhanger, Alx. The use of the name Robert Butcher may be coincidental, though, to what you?re thinking. The name figures into the end of the story being related to Baker.
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That's what I thought about Baker, this coincidental it's one of the best coincidental contents I've read.
> Take care Bill and have a good one.
Alx
Comment from lyenochka
Oh this guy seems like someone Ben could trust, maybe. I believe him. Is it just protocol to come up with a fake name? Good telling of the internal hesitation and the grogginess.
Did I miss something cause the last time I was in this book, he was almost being killed by his buddy...
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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Oh this guy seems like someone Ben could trust, maybe. I believe him. Is it just protocol to come up with a fake name? Good telling of the internal hesitation and the grogginess.
Did I miss something cause the last time I was in this book, he was almost being killed by his buddy...
Comment Written 16-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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The flashback is in 1991, during the invasion of Kuwait. We haven?t seen the end of that yet. Having GI Joe in this present day setting ought to give some clue as to the outcome.
Comment from Rob Caudle
Bill, this was an enjoyable read tension and comic relief love the barbie bit. I hope you wont find this to nit picky as I really enjoyed the write. I just thought the line a bunch of rounds from his pistol was a little weak. Iloved how you described his comming to. all in all a very good bit.
Rob
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reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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Bill, this was an enjoyable read tension and comic relief love the barbie bit. I hope you wont find this to nit picky as I really enjoyed the write. I just thought the line a bunch of rounds from his pistol was a little weak. Iloved how you described his comming to. all in all a very good bit.
Rob
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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I see what you mean and will give it another look.
Comment from Earl Corp
What's GI Joe doing here? He wasn't part of the Most Deadliest Game , was he? I don't remember him in the up to date stuff just in the flashbacks. This could be an interesting turn of events. Can't wait for the next installment.
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reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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What's GI Joe doing here? He wasn't part of the Most Deadliest Game , was he? I don't remember him in the up to date stuff just in the flashbacks. This could be an interesting turn of events. Can't wait for the next installment.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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This is where the two stories meet.
