Never...Once Again
The family traditions and legacies lives on...9 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I liked this. It's quite clever and nice use of some of the characters in 'hidden' little ways.
Few things I noted on reading through-
Be careful of using adverbs close together it makes them stand out a little more than they should. For example - light mysteriously glowing brightly again / door carefully, eyeing Wendall suspiciously / solemnly at attention, fighting a nearly losing battle [there are more instances].
Wendall just shrugged non-chalantly - nonchalantly is a single word.
"Yeah," Wendall nodded and turned to walk back up the stairs, "Guess it could have been my mu-" - technically the first piece of dialogue isn't closed off here inside the speech marks or after the tag. this means the second piece is continuiing dialogue and should start with lower case lettering.
"Yes, Daddy," he tried hard to sound thoroughly contrite, even though his smile kept threatening to expose him, "Can I go back upsta-"- same rule as above. [there be more of these]
her short bright pink bodice - maybe some commas in here to separate out the descriptors.
around Wendall to light on his desktop. - possibly alight rather than light here?
He chuffed and couldn't help but smile.- chuffed means farted...lol
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2019
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Hi there,
I liked this. It's quite clever and nice use of some of the characters in 'hidden' little ways.
Few things I noted on reading through-
Be careful of using adverbs close together it makes them stand out a little more than they should. For example - light mysteriously glowing brightly again / door carefully, eyeing Wendall suspiciously / solemnly at attention, fighting a nearly losing battle [there are more instances].
Wendall just shrugged non-chalantly - nonchalantly is a single word.
"Yeah," Wendall nodded and turned to walk back up the stairs, "Guess it could have been my mu-" - technically the first piece of dialogue isn't closed off here inside the speech marks or after the tag. this means the second piece is continuiing dialogue and should start with lower case lettering.
"Yes, Daddy," he tried hard to sound thoroughly contrite, even though his smile kept threatening to expose him, "Can I go back upsta-"- same rule as above. [there be more of these]
her short bright pink bodice - maybe some commas in here to separate out the descriptors.
around Wendall to light on his desktop. - possibly alight rather than light here?
He chuffed and couldn't help but smile.- chuffed means farted...lol
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 19-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2019
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Thanx, GMG! :) Always appreciate your looking over my shoulder ... I figure I'll get every quote correct within a piece in when the pigs join the fairies in the air, huh? :) LOL! Happy 2019! :) ;)
Comment from Dawn Munro
Well, well, I have to say, fantasy has not been a favourite genre of mine for a long, long time, but this story transported me, both into the story and back to a time when fantasy was everything. VERY well done!
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2019
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Well, well, I have to say, fantasy has not been a favourite genre of mine for a long, long time, but this story transported me, both into the story and back to a time when fantasy was everything. VERY well done!
Comment Written 18-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2019
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Wow! I'm so glad you enjoyed this one, Dawn -- thank you for those wonderful comments! :) ;) You know I like my outlandish fantasies and such, but this day I was just feeling 'old fashion' I guess, and Peter Pan is definitely my childhood fantasy doorway! :) :) Thanks for the honor of the six and for the 'sunshine' you sent along with them! :)
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Oh, I enjoyed it very much!
Comment from Rhonda Skinner
This was a fun adaptation of beloved stories. I spotted one error. The horses had reigns instead of reins. I got a laugh out of the pixies drawing moustaches on his posters. Good story. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2019
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This was a fun adaptation of beloved stories. I spotted one error. The horses had reigns instead of reins. I got a laugh out of the pixies drawing moustaches on his posters. Good story. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2019
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Thanx for the review and the 'heads-up', Rhonda -- much appreciated! :) ;) May you have a weekend full of magical adventures! :)
Comment from TheStoryMan
This was an interesting and well written story. I didn't notice any grammar or spelling issues. I enjoyed your take on Peter Pan. It was fun and entertaining. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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This was an interesting and well written story. I didn't notice any grammar or spelling issues. I enjoyed your take on Peter Pan. It was fun and entertaining. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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Thank you for your review, StoryMan -- much appreciated! :)
Comment from Graybærd
I do like the modern day rewrite. This was very well thought out as seen in the puddles which I assume were for the sea horses to get about. At first I thought you were making a story "like" Peter Pan because Wendall/Wendy comparison but it was nice to see that The father named his son after his aunt (Wendy and Michael Darling were brother and sister, right?)
Fun to read.
Good luck
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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I do like the modern day rewrite. This was very well thought out as seen in the puddles which I assume were for the sea horses to get about. At first I thought you were making a story "like" Peter Pan because Wendall/Wendy comparison but it was nice to see that The father named his son after his aunt (Wendy and Michael Darling were brother and sister, right?)
Fun to read.
Good luck
Comment Written 16-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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Thank you for the wonderful comments, Greybeard - have a wonderful day in Neverland! :) :)
Comment from Teresa Alford
You really did a good job of meeting the prompt. This was a fun story, cleverly written. Keep on writing. The picture is a good match for the story. TA ";~)
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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You really did a good job of meeting the prompt. This was a fun story, cleverly written. Keep on writing. The picture is a good match for the story. TA ";~)
Comment Written 16-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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Hi Teresa, What are your suggestions for improvement? Your score of 4 stars indicates some fixes are in order...you only have positive comments written here. What should be done, in your opinion, to 'fix' it? Thank you.
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Have you read it out loud or asked someone else to read it? The flow is choppy in some areas. Also, 1) When I read the required words in quotes, I did not at first realized they were spoken words and that they were spoken by Michael?s son. 2) Speaking of Michael?s son, it seems a good time to state his name, Warren, is when the son is first referred to. 3) surreptitiously- while the word is correctly used it feels awkward. The paragraph feels awkward in regards to the description of the light bulb, or lack thereof.
I see great potential in your story, just needs a refresh, but that is just my opinion. Teresa
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Thank you.
Comment from way2gokevs
Nice writing my friend, you have spun a tale that is both a good story and fills one with imagination. Well written, thanks for sharing.
Have a good day and cheers for now.
kev
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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Nice writing my friend, you have spun a tale that is both a good story and fills one with imagination. Well written, thanks for sharing.
Have a good day and cheers for now.
kev
Comment Written 16-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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Thank you for the wonderful comments, kev - have a wonderful day in Neverland! :) :)
Comment from royowen
I enjoy d this trip back down memory lane, to never land, well, a little short, Dad Michael, who originally made the trip with John and sister Wendy. Despite Michael's forbidding dad's persona, he was still on his son's sid, know ing the time would pass. Beautifully written, with great characters, and a familiar story line. Well done, good characters and plot, we'll done, blessings, Roy ,
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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I enjoy d this trip back down memory lane, to never land, well, a little short, Dad Michael, who originally made the trip with John and sister Wendy. Despite Michael's forbidding dad's persona, he was still on his son's sid, know ing the time would pass. Beautifully written, with great characters, and a familiar story line. Well done, good characters and plot, we'll done, blessings, Roy ,
Comment Written 16-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2019
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Thank you for the wonderful comments, Roy - have a wonderful day in Neverland! :) :)
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You too
Comment from called2rite
This story had an unexpected ending. I never once thought the father knew what was going on until he saw the fairies fly away.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2019
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This story had an unexpected ending. I never once thought the father knew what was going on until he saw the fairies fly away.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2019
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Noted
