The VR Booth
Parent and Child Memory contest entry.4 total reviews
Comment from Cyndee Paulson-Heer
I like your overall message, and how with one quote from your daughter I gained insight into her personality, and was left liking her. I also like the image of him fighting. It nicely foreshadows what's in "the booth."
My suggestions are as follow: Tell your story in the active voice, and start with a hook. Perhaps your daughter's quote, for example, as a stand alone paragraph. It would serve as both hook and close:
"I wonder if he bites your ear off."
When my children were young my husband and I took them to Six Flags. Walking about the attractions we came across "the booth:" A small 5 x 5 box (you could use two or three sentences to describe it) that invited participants to escape into a virtual reality.
One could enter "the booth," don a bulky headset and a pair of oversized gloves and be teleported to a boxing ring with none other than Mike Tyson. You could also use this place to enter your opinion about Mike Tyson, for example . . . One could enter "the booth," don a bulky headset and a pair of oversized gloves and be teleported to a boxing ring with none other than the (arrogant or champion--whichever suits your opinion) Mike Tyson . . .
Twenty years have passed . . . My daughter looked at me and said, "I wonder if he bites your ear off."
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2019
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I like your overall message, and how with one quote from your daughter I gained insight into her personality, and was left liking her. I also like the image of him fighting. It nicely foreshadows what's in "the booth."
My suggestions are as follow: Tell your story in the active voice, and start with a hook. Perhaps your daughter's quote, for example, as a stand alone paragraph. It would serve as both hook and close:
"I wonder if he bites your ear off."
When my children were young my husband and I took them to Six Flags. Walking about the attractions we came across "the booth:" A small 5 x 5 box (you could use two or three sentences to describe it) that invited participants to escape into a virtual reality.
One could enter "the booth," don a bulky headset and a pair of oversized gloves and be teleported to a boxing ring with none other than Mike Tyson. You could also use this place to enter your opinion about Mike Tyson, for example . . . One could enter "the booth," don a bulky headset and a pair of oversized gloves and be teleported to a boxing ring with none other than the (arrogant or champion--whichever suits your opinion) Mike Tyson . . .
Twenty years have passed . . . My daughter looked at me and said, "I wonder if he bites your ear off."
Comment Written 11-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2019
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Thanks. Maybe next time I'll just contact you and have you write it for me Then perhaps it'll be more to your liking.
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The objective of a review is to get feedback, and perspective from others. I simply made suggestions. I had no intention of insulting you. In the courses I have taken on writing and reviewing I have been taught to share things I like about a piece, and give examples when I make a suggestion. That is exactly what I did. I gave my honest feedback. I have had my work shredded, and learn from that, I did. It appears to me that you are looking only for praise. If you want to grow as a writer you will need to get thicker skin, and not turn on those who dare to speak their review truth.
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Thank you for the reply, Cyndee. No, I'm not just looking for praise. I'm all for people critiquing my stuff. Wherever I have mistakes in spelling or grammar or whatnot, I'd love to be corrected. But there's a difference between downgrading someone's piece simply because you'd rather it be worded differently. You suggested saying the same thing I did, just with your own words.
I didn't feel adding the line, "I wonder if he bites your ear off," as a hook because, to me, that would be like giving the punchline to a joke before the joke is told.
If I were writing a story, yes, there would have to be a considerable amount of detail added. But this was just a short little memory that my daughter and I will remember all our lives. I barely even remember the booth, and the details of how it looks are irrelevant. People can picture what a booth looks like. My thoughts on Mike Tyson are also not needed. Everyone has their own opinion of him.
I wasn't trying to lure the reader into a elaborate story with an intriguing plot. I was just sharing a memorable little moment we had as per the contest requirements.
But again, I think the review and star rating should be based on what corrections are needed to what they have written rather than just one's opinion of how it should have been written.
Thank you for your review and suggestions. I just don't feel that it should have been rated 3 stars, 'lower than average' from what the review offered. Have a wonderful weekend.
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Thank you for a more considered response.
Without getting into details, I think it safe to say we come from different schools of thought. Personally, I would prefer a deep-review such as the one I gave you, over a cursory "punctuation/grammar check;" because, I would learn more from it. Even if I didn't agree with everything.
As far as the star rating goes, 3 stars is average not below average. We agree that your piece shouldn't have been rated "lower than average." That's why I rated it average.
Unfortunately, I think the days of direct and honest critiquing are all but gone. I will miss that with my own work as it will slow my growth as a writer.
From this experience I learned to give less. I will still be true to my opinion, but I will share only one or two ideas.
Thank you for the conversation. I would offer to not review any more of your work, but I don't know who you are.
The best of luck to you on your writing journey.
Cyndee
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If you go up to the top of the page under 'Community' then to 'Q&A' then scroll down to rating you'll see that 3 stars actually means 'below average.' 4 stars means 'Good, adjustments needed.'
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Thanks for that info. I updated my rating accordingly.
Comment from Mimi Linny
I don't remember that type of virtual reality, but I'm sure you have some fun times sitting with your daughters and remembering the scene as it unfolded back then! Great lesson for the kids in not wasting your hard earned money - especially with your 11 year old daughter summing the potential experience with... "Wonder if he bites your ear off!" Nicely written and much luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2019
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I don't remember that type of virtual reality, but I'm sure you have some fun times sitting with your daughters and remembering the scene as it unfolded back then! Great lesson for the kids in not wasting your hard earned money - especially with your 11 year old daughter summing the potential experience with... "Wonder if he bites your ear off!" Nicely written and much luck in the contest!
Comment Written 11-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2019
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Thank you for the great review, Mimi. I really appreciate the generous stars and good luck wishes. I'm glad you liked my little trip down memory lane.
Comment from Earl Corp
What your daughter asked you was priceless!! This was the absolute best Parenthood Memory story I've read, you have my vote. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2019
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What your daughter asked you was priceless!! This was the absolute best Parenthood Memory story I've read, you have my vote. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2019
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Thank you for the fantastic review, Earl. Yeah, I laughed until I cried. It was hysterical. I really appreciate the generous stars and support, friend. I'm glad you liked my little trip down memory lane. Have a great weekend.
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Parent,
This is a really cool memory between parent and child, one that you can share together and laugh over forever. Isn't it neat that small things like this - so insignificant and unexpected, can pop up in crazy small moments, and leave impressions forever. haha!
Thanks for sharing and good luck!
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2019
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Dear Parent,
This is a really cool memory between parent and child, one that you can share together and laugh over forever. Isn't it neat that small things like this - so insignificant and unexpected, can pop up in crazy small moments, and leave impressions forever. haha!
Thanks for sharing and good luck!
Comment Written 11-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2019
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That's so true. Thank you so much for the fantastic review, Robyn. I really appreciate the generous stars and good luck wishes. I'm glad you liked my little trip down memory lane. Have a great weekend.
