Troubled Times
Become3 total reviews
Comment from Blue Hendrix
I needed to read this so badly today and isn't it funny how sometimes when you aren't for something it just finds you and saves the day. Well your amazing poem just found me and saved the day! Thanks!
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
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I needed to read this so badly today and isn't it funny how sometimes when you aren't for something it just finds you and saves the day. Well your amazing poem just found me and saved the day! Thanks!
Comment Written 20-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
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Hi Blue Hendrix , I am so glad my poem lifted you . And I would like to say a big thank you for the six star rating
Comment from kiwisteveh
Hi, Jean.
I liked the message of your poem - as the old proverb says, 'Every dog has his day.'
However, I thought your presentation of it could definitely be improved, hence the four-star rating.
Firstly, the versification - it just appears a bit ragged. You begin with a 4-line stanza rhyming abcb. The final stanza has the same rhyme pattern although the lines are longer, but the middle stanza has only 3 lines rhyming aba It's not a big deal on its own, but I would suggest either making all three stanzas the same or going all out and writing free verse where there are no restrictions on lines/rhyme.
Then there's word choice and imagery. I like your first two lines with the strong opposition between short and long, but 'hold your head high.To stay grounded' doesn't quite work for me. Then in the final stanza you have luck 'striking' which makes the person 'blossom' - it's just a strange juxtaposition of ideas, a mixed metaphor. Also you have a very weak rhyme come/become. You should try to avoid using rhymes on the same or nearly the same words.
In general, that last stanza is quite weak - I'm not even sure if the last two lines are really making the exact point that you want them to make
Please accept what I have said as constructive criticism and good luck with your future writing.
PS Here's what Shakespeare had to say on a similar theme:
There is a tide in the affairs of men, Which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat. And we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures.
(from Julius Caesar)
Steve
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2019
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Hi, Jean.
I liked the message of your poem - as the old proverb says, 'Every dog has his day.'
However, I thought your presentation of it could definitely be improved, hence the four-star rating.
Firstly, the versification - it just appears a bit ragged. You begin with a 4-line stanza rhyming abcb. The final stanza has the same rhyme pattern although the lines are longer, but the middle stanza has only 3 lines rhyming aba It's not a big deal on its own, but I would suggest either making all three stanzas the same or going all out and writing free verse where there are no restrictions on lines/rhyme.
Then there's word choice and imagery. I like your first two lines with the strong opposition between short and long, but 'hold your head high.To stay grounded' doesn't quite work for me. Then in the final stanza you have luck 'striking' which makes the person 'blossom' - it's just a strange juxtaposition of ideas, a mixed metaphor. Also you have a very weak rhyme come/become. You should try to avoid using rhymes on the same or nearly the same words.
In general, that last stanza is quite weak - I'm not even sure if the last two lines are really making the exact point that you want them to make
Please accept what I have said as constructive criticism and good luck with your future writing.
PS Here's what Shakespeare had to say on a similar theme:
There is a tide in the affairs of men, Which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat. And we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures.
(from Julius Caesar)
Steve
Comment Written 08-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2019
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Thank you for your in depth review but I am happy with my poem and so will be leaving it as it is : )
Comment from Artasylum
This is lovely Jean... I love ever thought your present to us:
Fate will turn things around
But you need to be patient
And not dwell and feel down
Great read... yours, diana
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2019
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This is lovely Jean... I love ever thought your present to us:
Fate will turn things around
But you need to be patient
And not dwell and feel down
Great read... yours, diana
Comment Written 08-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2019
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Thank you
