Wilderness Redemption Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Bright Lights, Big City"Shenanigans on the frontier
18 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
I enjoy this banter as the group makes their way through the last rough area before getting to the settlement. One thing I noticed that you do consistently is not placing a comma before the name in a direct address. A couple of examples are:
"You could be right(,) Clancy."
I do not think so(,) Little On..."
I love the vernacular and the interaction between all the characters.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2019
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I enjoy this banter as the group makes their way through the last rough area before getting to the settlement. One thing I noticed that you do consistently is not placing a comma before the name in a direct address. A couple of examples are:
"You could be right(,) Clancy."
I do not think so(,) Little On..."
I love the vernacular and the interaction between all the characters.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2019
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Thanks for the tip Bill. Someone else pointed that out and I thought I had fixed it. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Joy Graham
Hello Earl,
I believe this is my first time reading your work. I enjoyed the story very much and if it were for the story alone I would have given a six star rating. However, I found your spag (spelling, punctuation, and grammar) issues got frustrating half way through the chapter. I do believe spag is important. I rarely give a rating below a five, but this time I'm sorry to say it can't be avoided.
Here are just a few things I took note of as after a while it got too frustrating:
- "I dunno, it don't hurt to ask .It ain't like I've never..." - after, "ask" you need to take out the space before the period and then put a space after the period before starting the new sentence.
- "They could become infected Little One" - I recommend putting a comma after, "infected". That indicates addressing someone. Just like I'd say, "You should fix it, Earl."
- "Sleep well Little One." - should have a comma because you are addressing, "Little One". So say "Sleep well, Little One."
*I like the warmth in that statement, especially after her fearing they had no use for her.
- you should put a space before the ***** which shows a change of scene. It looks too squishy the way it is.
- "I sometimes wonder if I will (I) ever learn and be great like you(?)" I recommend fixing this sentence up as it doesn't make sense to me: "I sometimes wonder if I will ever be great like you.
- "It was nothing, Little One." Add the comma again
- "Doo (Looked) Clancy square in the eyes" - looked
- "On the other hand, Doo was" - I don't know why this paragraph is suddenly indented. You also have the next paragraph indented. It just doesn't keep the consistency of no indentations so far in this chapter.
I will watch to read your next chapter as I believe this is a fabulous story filled with great characters and images. I believe you have great potential as a writer.
Sincerely Joy xx
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2019
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Hello Earl,
I believe this is my first time reading your work. I enjoyed the story very much and if it were for the story alone I would have given a six star rating. However, I found your spag (spelling, punctuation, and grammar) issues got frustrating half way through the chapter. I do believe spag is important. I rarely give a rating below a five, but this time I'm sorry to say it can't be avoided.
Here are just a few things I took note of as after a while it got too frustrating:
- "I dunno, it don't hurt to ask .It ain't like I've never..." - after, "ask" you need to take out the space before the period and then put a space after the period before starting the new sentence.
- "They could become infected Little One" - I recommend putting a comma after, "infected". That indicates addressing someone. Just like I'd say, "You should fix it, Earl."
- "Sleep well Little One." - should have a comma because you are addressing, "Little One". So say "Sleep well, Little One."
*I like the warmth in that statement, especially after her fearing they had no use for her.
- you should put a space before the ***** which shows a change of scene. It looks too squishy the way it is.
- "I sometimes wonder if I will (I) ever learn and be great like you(?)" I recommend fixing this sentence up as it doesn't make sense to me: "I sometimes wonder if I will ever be great like you.
- "It was nothing, Little One." Add the comma again
- "Doo (Looked) Clancy square in the eyes" - looked
- "On the other hand, Doo was" - I don't know why this paragraph is suddenly indented. You also have the next paragraph indented. It just doesn't keep the consistency of no indentations so far in this chapter.
I will watch to read your next chapter as I believe this is a fabulous story filled with great characters and images. I believe you have great potential as a writer.
Sincerely Joy xx
Comment Written 08-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2019
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I went through a reedited the piece. I hope you can now finish it without becoming frustrated.
Comment from kiwijenny
Earl this has me mesmerized ..I loved the poultices and backwoods medicine
I use elderberry everyday. I make a syrup of dried elderberries and when it's cool I add honey . It wards off colds and flu
Well penned
God bless
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2019
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Earl this has me mesmerized ..I loved the poultices and backwoods medicine
I use elderberry everyday. I make a syrup of dried elderberries and when it's cool I add honey . It wards off colds and flu
Well penned
God bless
Comment Written 08-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2019
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Thank you very much. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from c_lucas
Unless the male is the biggest and meanest man around, he shouldn't try to manhandle a woman. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2019
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Unless the male is the biggest and meanest man around, he shouldn't try to manhandle a woman. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2019
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Thank you for reading adc
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You're welcome.
Comment from apky
This is extremely well written and engaging. Many a moment I almost gave up, not because I wasn't enjoying the story, but because of the length. But I failed each time around because the story wouldn't let me go.
Just like the narrator and her listeners, you, writer, had me lock stock and barrel.
Wish I had a six left...
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2019
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This is extremely well written and engaging. Many a moment I almost gave up, not because I wasn't enjoying the story, but because of the length. But I failed each time around because the story wouldn't let me go.
Just like the narrator and her listeners, you, writer, had me lock stock and barrel.
Wish I had a six left...
Comment Written 08-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2019
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I'm, sorry it's so long but I wanted Doo and Janie to make it to Pittsburg in this chapter Thanks for reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from WryWriter
A very good tale that holds the reader's attention right to the end. The story follows logical progression and transitions well from paragraph to paragraph. I've included the following examples as suggestions for your consideration when you edit:
"I dunno, it don't hurt to ask(.) (It) it ain't like I've never heard the man say no before."
"I guess that's true but I don't envy you that task.(")
"Little One's feet need cared for before we move on(.) (She) she cut them up walking in her bare feet."
"Listen to Mighty Beaver Janie,(.) (H) he's doctored many a feet.(,)" Clancy said,(.) "(B)besides how will you continue if you can't walk with us?"
kept safe,(.) (T) this young lady was meant for great things.
Less can be more:
"Once the mixture was at the consistency Mighty Beaver wanted he brought the poultices over to Janie. He started tying the mixtures onto Janie's feet."
Once the mixture was the consistency Might Beaver wanted, he tied the poultices onto Janie's feet.
Clancy threw his head back and roared with laughter at that. (Doo a few sentences before this performed these same actions. Maybe let Clancy grin?)
I especially like the bits of history and old ways of doing things you've added in this chapter. Enjoyed!
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2019
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A very good tale that holds the reader's attention right to the end. The story follows logical progression and transitions well from paragraph to paragraph. I've included the following examples as suggestions for your consideration when you edit:
"I dunno, it don't hurt to ask(.) (It) it ain't like I've never heard the man say no before."
"I guess that's true but I don't envy you that task.(")
"Little One's feet need cared for before we move on(.) (She) she cut them up walking in her bare feet."
"Listen to Mighty Beaver Janie,(.) (H) he's doctored many a feet.(,)" Clancy said,(.) "(B)besides how will you continue if you can't walk with us?"
kept safe,(.) (T) this young lady was meant for great things.
Less can be more:
"Once the mixture was at the consistency Mighty Beaver wanted he brought the poultices over to Janie. He started tying the mixtures onto Janie's feet."
Once the mixture was the consistency Might Beaver wanted, he tied the poultices onto Janie's feet.
Clancy threw his head back and roared with laughter at that. (Doo a few sentences before this performed these same actions. Maybe let Clancy grin?)
I especially like the bits of history and old ways of doing things you've added in this chapter. Enjoyed!
Comment Written 08-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2019
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Thank you for ypour review and the suggestions I have implemented them if you want to take a look. I'm out of nominations or you would get one.
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I'll settle for the virtual vote...it means a lot and I appreciate your thank you. Just hope to help in some small way. Your story is very good! : )
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Earl. The story itself is a good one. Sometimes it's difficult to follow the backwoods jargon and dialect. LOL The good books recommend we not use any dialect or accents if at all possible. The reality is the same story can be told without doing it. Readers will understand where the people are from without doing it, believe it or not. Just tell the story.
Some of your imagery is great, like here:
"He wiped his mouth with his forearm before he spoke." Just the first part of this is good. Leave off the extras like "before he spoke" Just say. "He wiped or swiped his mouth with his forearm."
Suggestions: To avoid confusion for the reader and make your work easier to read you have got to space properly, Earl. for instance here: when you have two people having a conversation be sure to separate their dialogue with a new paragraph each time a new person speaks:
""I sure did," Janie said proudly as she sat up straighter.
"It warn't like that at all," Doo growled."
And: Stick to two forms of tags only: "he said, she said" or he asked , she asked" Trying to come up with new ideas for tags is not the way to go, like here for instance:
""It is too, you'd have drowned twice if I hadn't helped you," Janie argued." (Janie argued)
And one more: "The ferret-faced man gripped her wrist hard and twisted it so hard she let out a moan and dropped the apple." (Don't overdo your actions. "let out a moan" No
just say The man grabbed her wrist and twisted so hard she moaned."
Keep writing, Earl. You just need to polish some things here and there, my friend. And get in the habit of doing these things I suggested each and every time you write. (Nobody said it was easy.) :) Blessings, Bob
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2019
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Hi, Earl. The story itself is a good one. Sometimes it's difficult to follow the backwoods jargon and dialect. LOL The good books recommend we not use any dialect or accents if at all possible. The reality is the same story can be told without doing it. Readers will understand where the people are from without doing it, believe it or not. Just tell the story.
Some of your imagery is great, like here:
"He wiped his mouth with his forearm before he spoke." Just the first part of this is good. Leave off the extras like "before he spoke" Just say. "He wiped or swiped his mouth with his forearm."
Suggestions: To avoid confusion for the reader and make your work easier to read you have got to space properly, Earl. for instance here: when you have two people having a conversation be sure to separate their dialogue with a new paragraph each time a new person speaks:
""I sure did," Janie said proudly as she sat up straighter.
"It warn't like that at all," Doo growled."
And: Stick to two forms of tags only: "he said, she said" or he asked , she asked" Trying to come up with new ideas for tags is not the way to go, like here for instance:
""It is too, you'd have drowned twice if I hadn't helped you," Janie argued." (Janie argued)
And one more: "The ferret-faced man gripped her wrist hard and twisted it so hard she let out a moan and dropped the apple." (Don't overdo your actions. "let out a moan" No
just say The man grabbed her wrist and twisted so hard she moaned."
Keep writing, Earl. You just need to polish some things here and there, my friend. And get in the habit of doing these things I suggested each and every time you write. (Nobody said it was easy.) :) Blessings, Bob
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2019
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Thanks Bob. I count on your reviews to keep me honest. If I had a reviewer nomination left I would give it to you. Your reviews are honest and constructive. I just got a three star from someone becausi i missed two commas and two paragraphs were indented she didnt think should be.
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Thank you, Earl. I'm glad you take criticism well and not get all bent out of shape with suggestions. I figure, if you don't agree with what i say you need not follow my advice. I try to steer you right though and always will, my friend. :) Bob
Comment from LaFrance
Earl, excellent continuing story, the dialogue is great between the characters. The characters are descriptive and interesting and go will with the storyline. A fun read.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2019
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Earl, excellent continuing story, the dialogue is great between the characters. The characters are descriptive and interesting and go will with the storyline. A fun read.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2019
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You'll like the next chapter, I'm introducing three new characters. I'm honored you found this worthy of a six star rating. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Janilou
Your story was easy to visualize.
Notes:
"NO GRANNY DON"T," they all yelled in unison. Granny raised an eyebrow and gave the young'uns "the look" silence and stillness met her gaze.
Here I would suggest ending the sentence after young'uns the look.
"NO GRANNY DON"T," they all yelled in unison. Granny raised an eyebrow and gave the young'uns "the look." Silence and stillness met her gaze.
"You still haven't learned to swim but that don't stop you from jumping in deep water that pretty much describes yer whole life Doo, even if you don't know whut's going on you plunge right in anyway."
any way?
These men were not like Pa.( close extra space here) Pa kept her around to work as free help. He had stated many times that she owed him for her life on the river.
Mighty Beaver made eye contact with Clancy and gave an imperceptible nod of thank you. He knew the little one was troubled by the way she (close extra space here) was acting.
Interesting to learn of the Indian's "Our Grandmother." I am studying some Indian history right now myself for my latest book. :-)
Hope this helps.
All the best,
Jan Anderegg
(Author of the Julu series)
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2019
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Your story was easy to visualize.
Notes:
"NO GRANNY DON"T," they all yelled in unison. Granny raised an eyebrow and gave the young'uns "the look" silence and stillness met her gaze.
Here I would suggest ending the sentence after young'uns the look.
"NO GRANNY DON"T," they all yelled in unison. Granny raised an eyebrow and gave the young'uns "the look." Silence and stillness met her gaze.
"You still haven't learned to swim but that don't stop you from jumping in deep water that pretty much describes yer whole life Doo, even if you don't know whut's going on you plunge right in anyway."
any way?
These men were not like Pa.( close extra space here) Pa kept her around to work as free help. He had stated many times that she owed him for her life on the river.
Mighty Beaver made eye contact with Clancy and gave an imperceptible nod of thank you. He knew the little one was troubled by the way she (close extra space here) was acting.
Interesting to learn of the Indian's "Our Grandmother." I am studying some Indian history right now myself for my latest book. :-)
Hope this helps.
All the best,
Jan Anderegg
(Author of the Julu series)
Comment Written 05-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2019
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Thanks for your suggestions, I implemented them already. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from SLMorrical
I like this very much. The best way to get a story told and handed down is by telling it to each generation. That is what the American Indians did and I believe still do. This was an easy read to follow. I didn't find any errors at this time. Very well done. Keep writing.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2019
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I like this very much. The best way to get a story told and handed down is by telling it to each generation. That is what the American Indians did and I believe still do. This was an easy read to follow. I didn't find any errors at this time. Very well done. Keep writing.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2019
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Thank you very much, I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work
