Eyes on You
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Beginning of the End"Tommy tries to rescue their family.
13 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
The saying, desperate times need desperate measures, come to mind here. Who wouldn't try anything to save the one he/she loves? It will be interesting to see how this works out. Well done! :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2019
  |
The saying, desperate times need desperate measures, come to mind here. Who wouldn't try anything to save the one he/she loves? It will be interesting to see how this works out. Well done! :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 05-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2019
-
Thank you so much for kind review I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. Tommy is madly in love with Jen and will do everything he can to save her.
Thank you again for taking the time to read my story, take care.
Comment from Ulla
Great start to a new story here. I liked it. What about the mother in law though. We know she has a drinking problem but where could that stem from? What does se looks like? Is she a divorcée or a widow? Or was she just a single mother. All this would also give a take on Tommy's wife. Now, I don't like the venue Tommy is taking. Doesn't bode well. I'm looking forward to reading on. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2019
|
Great start to a new story here. I liked it. What about the mother in law though. We know she has a drinking problem but where could that stem from? What does se looks like? Is she a divorcée or a widow? Or was she just a single mother. All this would also give a take on Tommy's wife. Now, I don't like the venue Tommy is taking. Doesn't bode well. I'm looking forward to reading on. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 03-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2019
-
Thank you so much for your encouraging review. I'm glad that you enjoyed it. You're right I should add more about the mother. I'll work on that tonight.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship, take care.
Comment from Sam Saylor
Well I thought it was good and then at the same time I thought it was a bit messy.
However I really dont think the messy is so much to worry about, I think it just needs a bit of cleaning up.
I really liked the premise of the story and I liked how quickly we got into it. No messing around and within a five to eight minute read I understand the basic premise, what might and might not happen (ie robberies going good or bad, people dying or not, being born or not, addictions continuing or not) Ive also got a good bit of history, all packed in a short space! Thats awesome.
I think the dialogue needs a bit of work, and also I would recommend going through and checking your tenses, they hop around a bit and im not so sure we are quite in the tenses you intend us to be?
Another small note, If the mother of Tommy's wife is going to be important I'd like just the tiniest little bit more of a description. I love how quick you went but slowing down a tiny bit for things like this wouldn't hurt. Also I really wouldn't mind waiting a chapter or two to find out more about the plan, but thats just me.
Otherwise good work keep it up!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2019
 |
Well I thought it was good and then at the same time I thought it was a bit messy.
However I really dont think the messy is so much to worry about, I think it just needs a bit of cleaning up.
I really liked the premise of the story and I liked how quickly we got into it. No messing around and within a five to eight minute read I understand the basic premise, what might and might not happen (ie robberies going good or bad, people dying or not, being born or not, addictions continuing or not) Ive also got a good bit of history, all packed in a short space! Thats awesome.
I think the dialogue needs a bit of work, and also I would recommend going through and checking your tenses, they hop around a bit and im not so sure we are quite in the tenses you intend us to be?
Another small note, If the mother of Tommy's wife is going to be important I'd like just the tiniest little bit more of a description. I love how quick you went but slowing down a tiny bit for things like this wouldn't hurt. Also I really wouldn't mind waiting a chapter or two to find out more about the plan, but thats just me.
Otherwise good work keep it up!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2019
-
Thank you so much for your review. I do wished you enjoyed it more. I will go back and work on dialogue, tenses and and more about the mother.
Thank you again for your helpful review, take care.
-
Oh but to be clear Mistydawn I did enjoy it and I am looking forward to read more! My notes shouldn't be confused for lack of enjoyment, quite the opposite just a desire to get the most out of it ;)
Comment from krprice
Excellent post, though I have a few suggestions.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.'
"It's a girl. . . After having three boys,
The storry started off strong, catching my attention immediately and kept that ateention throughout the post.
I look forward to more.
Karlene
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2019
|
Excellent post, though I have a few suggestions.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.'
"It's a girl. . . After having three boys,
The storry started off strong, catching my attention immediately and kept that ateention throughout the post.
I look forward to more.
Karlene
Comment Written 02-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2019
-
Thank you for your wonderful review, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I deleted half the that's like you suggested,
Thank you again for your review and for your suggestion, it's always greatly appreciated, take care.
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
I loved it. You had me hooked from beginning to end. I'm so glad I stop by on the first chapter. I'm looking forward to finding out whether they can pull it all off. And how long it takes the detectives to make the connection between the satellites and the houses getting robbed.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2019
|
I loved it. You had me hooked from beginning to end. I'm so glad I stop by on the first chapter. I'm looking forward to finding out whether they can pull it all off. And how long it takes the detectives to make the connection between the satellites and the houses getting robbed.
Comment Written 01-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2019
-
Thank you so much for your wonderful review I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
I hope you stick around because there is a lot more excitement to come.
Thank you again for your kind review, take care.
Comment from robyn corum
MD,
Sounds like a terrible idea! But I don't guess this fellow will listen to me, huh? I can guarantee you that there will be problems and pain for him if he takes this route. But -- sigh -- we'll see what happens, I suppose. *smile*
Some notes, if I may?
1.) My name is Tommy Campbell, and this is my story.
--> you also open the story with Tommy's name. I would delete the first mention, I think?
2.) There are several moments where you have a bit of dialogue and then follow it up with a speech tag like 'she sobs' or etc. In such cases, the dialogue should have a comma before the tag, not a period. EX:
--> "I'm so sorry, Tommy, so sorry this happened(,)" Mary bawls.
--> each instance should be resolved, please
3.) "I've been placing cameras in the customers homes when I install their (satellite)."
Thanks and good luck! Sounds good!
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2019
|
MD,
Sounds like a terrible idea! But I don't guess this fellow will listen to me, huh? I can guarantee you that there will be problems and pain for him if he takes this route. But -- sigh -- we'll see what happens, I suppose. *smile*
Some notes, if I may?
1.) My name is Tommy Campbell, and this is my story.
--> you also open the story with Tommy's name. I would delete the first mention, I think?
2.) There are several moments where you have a bit of dialogue and then follow it up with a speech tag like 'she sobs' or etc. In such cases, the dialogue should have a comma before the tag, not a period. EX:
--> "I'm so sorry, Tommy, so sorry this happened(,)" Mary bawls.
--> each instance should be resolved, please
3.) "I've been placing cameras in the customers homes when I install their (satellite)."
Thanks and good luck! Sounds good!
Comment Written 01-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2019
-
Thank you so much for your helpful review your notes are always greatly appreciated. I've gone back and fixed what you suggested.
Thank you again for all your help, take care.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Mistydawn
I like how you got me to continue reading the first chapter of your new book.
There is as I was reading what Tommy plans to do pay for his wife's heart transplant ( I say that you did well telling us of his scheme)
Gert
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
 |
Hello Mistydawn
I like how you got me to continue reading the first chapter of your new book.
There is as I was reading what Tommy plans to do pay for his wife's heart transplant ( I say that you did well telling us of his scheme)
Gert
Comment Written 01-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
-
Thank you so much for your exceptinal review, I'm honored you enjoyed it so much. Tommy loves Jen very much and will do whatever he can to save her.
Thank you again for your excelent review, your help support and friendship, it means a lot to me, take care.
-
You are welcome Mistydawn Gert
Comment from KatyM
Misty, I really like this beginning of the story. Can't wait to find out what happens. Hope you have a wonderful new year! I think I am going to go to Barnes and Noble and do some writing. Get away from the house for a while. James just left to go back to Asheville. He will be back on Friday. ttyl katy
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
|
Misty, I really like this beginning of the story. Can't wait to find out what happens. Hope you have a wonderful new year! I think I am going to go to Barnes and Noble and do some writing. Get away from the house for a while. James just left to go back to Asheville. He will be back on Friday. ttyl katy
Comment Written 01-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
-
Thank yo so much for your great review. I'm so glad you like the beginning of the story. Tommy and Jen have a wild journey ahead.. Lucky you, being able to go to Barnes and Noble. The nearest one to me is over an hour away. Hope you enjoy your time, have a great new year too, take care.
-
Well, if i stay here I will just take a nap or think of other things I need to do instead. lol I am glad I have a B&N so close to me right now. It's barely 3 miles away. :) I hope the next place we live has a B&N close as well!
Comment from Sugarray77
You have done a very good job creating a suspenseful story full of tension from the first to the last word. No problem keeping the attention of the readers... it is riveting and absorbing. Very good, Misty
Melissa
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
|
You have done a very good job creating a suspenseful story full of tension from the first to the last word. No problem keeping the attention of the readers... it is riveting and absorbing. Very good, Misty
Melissa
Comment Written 01-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
-
Thank you so much for your fantastic review I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Tommy has a frightful journey ahead. that's for sure.
Thank you again for your marvelous review, all your help, suppport and friendship, take care.
Comment from royowen
A good opening to this new story. Tommy has been virtually forced to rob since he was a ten year old, and it takes on arlarming proportions since his wife needs a heart transplant. Although the accident is a little sketchy with his mother in law doing something she shouldn't have.
Good opening to your story, characters and plot are good, well done, good start, happy hew year, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
|
A good opening to this new story. Tommy has been virtually forced to rob since he was a ten year old, and it takes on arlarming proportions since his wife needs a heart transplant. Although the accident is a little sketchy with his mother in law doing something she shouldn't have.
Good opening to your story, characters and plot are good, well done, good start, happy hew year, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 01-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
-
Thank you for your great review I am so glad you enjoyed the first chapter of my story. Tommmy thinks that the mother in law only reneged on her promise, but you'll find what else she's done in the following chapters.
Thank you so much for your kind review all your help support and friendship, take care. Happy new year to you as well.
-
A pleasure
-
Congratulations on placing second.
-
Thank you
