Saboteur (an excerpt)
Boy sent to summer camp after writing about school massacres29 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Awe, Andre, I'm so sorry to see you go. As you know I've always loved to read your work and I will dearly miss it. Good luck in your new endeavours. All the best, and a very Merry Christmas. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
  |
Awe, Andre, I'm so sorry to see you go. As you know I've always loved to read your work and I will dearly miss it. Good luck in your new endeavours. All the best, and a very Merry Christmas. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 24-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
-
Thank you, Ulla, for your review and for wishing me luck in my new endeavors. I wish the same for you and will miss you, too.
Comment from krys123
Cheers, Andre and blessings to you in your endeavors;
Sorry to see yo, leave, My friend, but fortune does not recognize moss growing on a standalone stone, but one that is moving forward.
>A heck of a story that held onto my attention, like superglue And I relish in the interest of your history that was both definitively and demonstratively exercised in an expressionistic way.
>Beautiful picture my friend an appropriate.
> Take care and hope you have a very Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Andre', may you and your family and friends enjoy your life without amends.
Alx & Cathy
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
|
Cheers, Andre and blessings to you in your endeavors;
Sorry to see yo, leave, My friend, but fortune does not recognize moss growing on a standalone stone, but one that is moving forward.
>A heck of a story that held onto my attention, like superglue And I relish in the interest of your history that was both definitively and demonstratively exercised in an expressionistic way.
>Beautiful picture my friend an appropriate.
> Take care and hope you have a very Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Andre', may you and your family and friends enjoy your life without amends.
Alx & Cathy
Comment Written 24-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
-
Thank you, Alex, for your encouraging review and for being a supporter of my work over the years. You are one heck of a writer yourself, and I will miss you, although I will send you an update from time to time. Please keep me posted on your accomplishments. Because the next scene in my essay is a camp square dance, I do want to know if you and Cathy square dance. It might be interesting to get feedback on that section from people who actually square dance. In any event, it has been a great pleasure knowing you. I wish you and all a Merry Christmas.
Comment from krys123
Cheers, Andre and blessings to you in your endeavors;
Sorry to see yo, leave, My friend, but fortune does not recognize moss growing on a standalone stone, but one that is moving forward.
>A heck of a story that held onto my attention, like superglue And I relish in the interest of your history that was both definitively and demonstratively exercised in an expressionistic way.
>Beautiful picture my friend an appropriate.
> Take care and hope you have a very Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Andre', may you and your family and friends enjoy your life without amends.
Alx & Cathy
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
|
Cheers, Andre and blessings to you in your endeavors;
Sorry to see yo, leave, My friend, but fortune does not recognize moss growing on a standalone stone, but one that is moving forward.
>A heck of a story that held onto my attention, like superglue And I relish in the interest of your history that was both definitively and demonstratively exercised in an expressionistic way.
>Beautiful picture my friend an appropriate.
> Take care and hope you have a very Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Andre', may you and your family and friends enjoy your life without amends.
Alx & Cathy
Comment Written 24-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
-
Thank you, Alex, for your encouraging review and for being a supporter of my work over the years. You are one heck of a writer yourself, and I will miss you, although I will send you an update from time to time. Please keep me posted on your accomplishments. Because the next scene in my essay is a camp square dance, I do want to know if you and Cathy square dance. It might be interesting to get feedback on that section from people who actually square dance. In any event, it has been a great pleasure knowing you. I wish you and all a Merry Christmas.
-
No, we don't square dance, but we do the Polka! Chuckle!
Yes, Always keep me informed of your HEALTH and YOUR accomplishments.
Last thing I Achieved was October's
Writer of the Month.
Take care my Artist Dreamer and Maker of Emotions and may all your blessings come true.
Alx (831-601-28280
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This could be my brother talking, he was quite a bit like you at school. It's not always a barrel of fun going to school, children can be cruel, and teachers, although they think they are helping, most certainly aren't. I'm sorry to see you are leaving, I've read a lot of your work and I'll miss it. But, I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavours, perhaps you'll come on here now and again to let us know how you are getting on. Good luck. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
|
This could be my brother talking, he was quite a bit like you at school. It's not always a barrel of fun going to school, children can be cruel, and teachers, although they think they are helping, most certainly aren't. I'm sorry to see you are leaving, I've read a lot of your work and I'll miss it. But, I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavours, perhaps you'll come on here now and again to let us know how you are getting on. Good luck. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 24-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
-
Yes, Sandra, this could be your brother talking. After the Columbine shooting in 1999 and every school shooting since, I was stunned at how closely I mirrored the profiles of those school shooters. The only differences was that my mother did not have guns around the house and my teachers intervened to avoid a disaster. But I wonder and worry about kids today. Are we catching all of them and preventing them from slipping through the cracks?
Thank you for your review and for wishing me the best of luck in my future endeavors.
-
No, guns don't even come into it, we don't have them in England and I'm thankful for it. Like your mother, mine did go and talk to the headmaster of my brothers school, and things were talked about in class. Everything was resolved, but my brother was still happy when he came of age to leave. He's done well for himself so all is well. You did too. :) xx
Comment from bichonfrisegirl
This is a terrific, touching write, Andre. Your story evokes sympathy for this poor "invisible" teen who felt like he didn't fit in with the white kids or the black kids ... a boy who just needed a friend and a little attention. Being a teenager is tough enough even if one does have friends.
Your story provides insight as to why some school massacres may occur. Your teacher, Mr. Berry, was a darn good one. That he recognized what was needed, and that he was instrumental in making the camp trip possible for you delighted this reader. So wonderful to read that things turned around at camp, friends were made, and you even got the added bonus of being asked to a dance by a girl. :))
Sorry to read that you will be leaving Fanstory. You are a class act, and I have enjoyed reading your work. Wishing you all the best, Andre, and a very Merry Christmas to you.
Cheers,
Connie
Your story is exceptionally well written. Great descriptions that give your reader crystal clear imagery. Your set the time period very well with your references to Reagan and Brenda Ann Spenser and the Boomtown Rat's song.
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
 |
This is a terrific, touching write, Andre. Your story evokes sympathy for this poor "invisible" teen who felt like he didn't fit in with the white kids or the black kids ... a boy who just needed a friend and a little attention. Being a teenager is tough enough even if one does have friends.
Your story provides insight as to why some school massacres may occur. Your teacher, Mr. Berry, was a darn good one. That he recognized what was needed, and that he was instrumental in making the camp trip possible for you delighted this reader. So wonderful to read that things turned around at camp, friends were made, and you even got the added bonus of being asked to a dance by a girl. :))
Sorry to read that you will be leaving Fanstory. You are a class act, and I have enjoyed reading your work. Wishing you all the best, Andre, and a very Merry Christmas to you.
Cheers,
Connie
Your story is exceptionally well written. Great descriptions that give your reader crystal clear imagery. Your set the time period very well with your references to Reagan and Brenda Ann Spenser and the Boomtown Rat's song.
Comment Written 24-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
-
Yes, yes, yes, Connie, after the Columbine school shooting in 1999 and every school shooting since, I began to think back to that essay I wrote in 1980 and the efforts of Mr Berry to get me help. The only difference between me and those school shooters is that I did not have access to guns around the house.
Thank you for giving my last post an encouraging six star review. Thank you also for all of the fine reviews you have given me over the years and for sharing your work with me. I will miss you.
Cheers,
Andre
-
Ditto, Andre.
Comment from AdaJulie
This is a joy to read, very nice job.
I enjoy your writing style very much. Artistic and very
expressive. You are deeply Talented for sure
Merry Christmas
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
|
This is a joy to read, very nice job.
I enjoy your writing style very much. Artistic and very
expressive. You are deeply Talented for sure
Merry Christmas
Comment Written 24-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
-
Thank you, Ada, for your review and compliment. I am glad you enjoyed my writing style.
Comment from Heather Knight
It's nice to read you again, Andre. This is a very moving write. I'm sorry to see you go, but wish you the best of luck.
Take care of yourself.
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
|
It's nice to read you again, Andre. This is a very moving write. I'm sorry to see you go, but wish you the best of luck.
Take care of yourself.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 24-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
-
Thank you, Maria, for your review and compliment of my moving write. I will miss you because I love your writing and encouragement. I am still writing.
-
Never stop. You're very good at it. You have a gift.
-
That?s right, Maria. I will keep writing. Thanks for everything, including your inspiring example.
Andre
Comment from c_lucas
Puberty is a hard row to hoe for many young teenagers. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. Your post has very good imagery.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
|
Puberty is a hard row to hoe for many young teenagers. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. Your post has very good imagery.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
-
Thank you, c_lucas, for your review and compliment. Yes, puberty is a hard row to hoe for many teens. Thank you for all of the reviews you have given me over the years and for sharing your wonderful writing. I will miss you.
Comment from rama devi
So sorry to see you go, dear Andre. Do keep in touch off site! I wish you well with your book (and let me know if you want a discount on editing when your book is ready!) You will be missed. Fanstory is a time vortex, so I support your choice to leave and focus on your book.
You have a unique voice. Your storytelling style drew me right in. Excellent deep POV and descriptive detail. Good characterization and dialog too.
Love this imaginative description:
Clouds bumped against the San Gabriel Mountains and pissed on my northern outpost of the Los Angeles Unified School District on Valentine's Day in 1980.
Some spag notes:
* the sixteen-year-old(,) who(,) a year earlier in '79(,) had shot up that grade school down in San Diego,
* Imagine, I'm eating lunch in class(,) and he didn't say a thing about it.
POIGNANT:
Now I sat in Berry's class on Valentine's Day. I blinked at him, relieved that someone had finally seen the Invisible Boy, that my essay shouted loud enough to get someone's attention. I trembled, not knowing what was going to happen next.
Love this line: I would like to have given Popeye's answer, "I yam what I yam."
*Instead, I say(said) nothing and cry in bed at night, unable to make friends with any race. Maybe I'll have better luck at camp.
* I largely believed(,) at the time(,) that Mr. Berry orchestrated getting me into this camp, because I knew my mother couldn't afford it.
*I never thanked him(,) and he never told me, but I knew he did this.
I tried attaching names to faces--Anthony Nunez, my bunkmate(,) who took the bottom while I took the top;
*No dash before parenthesis. Also, this section is arduous to read the way you've structured it...consider revising:
After his cabin had exhausted debate about who would win the election--("I don't care if Reagan was our governor. No one is gonna elect an actor President of the United States," I said.), whether or not a new draft for men and women was a good idea--("If I have to be drafted, it's only fair that girls have to be drafted, too."), and if the Ayatollah would ever free our fifty-two American hostages in Iran, we told ghosts stories that devolved into nasty sexual jokes, and then we went to bed.
Idea:
His cabin first had exhausted debate about who would win the election.
"I don't care if Reagan was our governor. No one is gonna elect an actor President of the United States," I said, whether or not a new draft for men and women was a good idea. "If I have to be drafted, it's only fair that girls have to be drafted, too."
We discussed if the Ayatollah would ever free our fifty-two American hostages in Iran. Then we told ghosts stories that devolved into nasty sexual jokes, and then we went to bed.
*
I noticed that none of the other boys in my cabin asked a girl to dance(,) and no girl asked any of them to dance. M
Blessings!
Happy Holy Daze...
Your friend,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
|
So sorry to see you go, dear Andre. Do keep in touch off site! I wish you well with your book (and let me know if you want a discount on editing when your book is ready!) You will be missed. Fanstory is a time vortex, so I support your choice to leave and focus on your book.
You have a unique voice. Your storytelling style drew me right in. Excellent deep POV and descriptive detail. Good characterization and dialog too.
Love this imaginative description:
Clouds bumped against the San Gabriel Mountains and pissed on my northern outpost of the Los Angeles Unified School District on Valentine's Day in 1980.
Some spag notes:
* the sixteen-year-old(,) who(,) a year earlier in '79(,) had shot up that grade school down in San Diego,
* Imagine, I'm eating lunch in class(,) and he didn't say a thing about it.
POIGNANT:
Now I sat in Berry's class on Valentine's Day. I blinked at him, relieved that someone had finally seen the Invisible Boy, that my essay shouted loud enough to get someone's attention. I trembled, not knowing what was going to happen next.
Love this line: I would like to have given Popeye's answer, "I yam what I yam."
*Instead, I say(said) nothing and cry in bed at night, unable to make friends with any race. Maybe I'll have better luck at camp.
* I largely believed(,) at the time(,) that Mr. Berry orchestrated getting me into this camp, because I knew my mother couldn't afford it.
*I never thanked him(,) and he never told me, but I knew he did this.
I tried attaching names to faces--Anthony Nunez, my bunkmate(,) who took the bottom while I took the top;
*No dash before parenthesis. Also, this section is arduous to read the way you've structured it...consider revising:
After his cabin had exhausted debate about who would win the election--("I don't care if Reagan was our governor. No one is gonna elect an actor President of the United States," I said.), whether or not a new draft for men and women was a good idea--("If I have to be drafted, it's only fair that girls have to be drafted, too."), and if the Ayatollah would ever free our fifty-two American hostages in Iran, we told ghosts stories that devolved into nasty sexual jokes, and then we went to bed.
Idea:
His cabin first had exhausted debate about who would win the election.
"I don't care if Reagan was our governor. No one is gonna elect an actor President of the United States," I said, whether or not a new draft for men and women was a good idea. "If I have to be drafted, it's only fair that girls have to be drafted, too."
We discussed if the Ayatollah would ever free our fifty-two American hostages in Iran. Then we told ghosts stories that devolved into nasty sexual jokes, and then we went to bed.
*
I noticed that none of the other boys in my cabin asked a girl to dance(,) and no girl asked any of them to dance. M
Blessings!
Happy Holy Daze...
Your friend,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
-
Thank you, Rama, for your detailed, thorough review. I noticed that you caught many of my comma spags that my editor had missed. And your suggestion to rewrite the paragraph about boys arguing at camp was a good one. I rewrote it to make if flow more smoothly. I have not signed a contract yet for my editor to take a second look at my 7,200 word essay after I made revisions based upon her recommendations, but we did discuss it and I want to give her the first shot unless her rates would be too costly for an essay that was originally 4,500 words. It is beginning to dawn on me that I may need two editors, so I will PM you about your discount editing rates.
I do want to take the time to thank you immensely for your edits, reviews, and encouragement over the years. You are truly one of the saints of FanStory. Your poetry inspires, uplifts, and challenges. I will miss you.
Blessings,
Your friend,
Andre Le Mont Wilson
-
AW, thanks for your lovely compliments and esteem--means a lot to me, coming from you. I would definitely offer you a discount...and I do think having two sets of eyes is ideal, if you can afford it. So you could give it to the other editor first, and to me for final proofing (as it would be an even less price for that). You're a gem. And you're talented and original. I love to work with artists like YOU!
Blessings, rd
-
PS - you can contact via email: ramadevinina@yahoo.com
-
Yes, Rama, my current editor did stunning work on my essay, but I am shocked that even she missed some of the smaller things with punctuation. I was just reading online that there are different types of editors who perform different functions. I am haunted by the book that my brother published. It had so many errors in it that I talk about them to this day.
-
Do let your brother know I'd be happy to edit his book for a new printing, if he likes, at a similar discount rate (if he is still alive?)
Often editors may miss a few things on a first edit because the brain is looking for too many things at once if doing a full edit in one sweep. That's why it is indeed optimal to do three edits or more.
Warmly, rd
-
Yes, he?s still alive. He?s an Episcopal minister now but used to be a reporter, which makes the errors in his book more surprising, but at the papers he had copy editors. If he writes another book, I will let him know of your services,
-
Glad he's still around. How cool he is a minister! Warmly, rd
