Comment from Jason A. Kilgore

Needs Improvement

The names of the two characters are interesting. The discovery of the dead body was a good twist. Honestly, though, I don't get a sense of where this excerpt is heading. They see a half-sunken boat (why is it at a boat rental place?), remember an incident from long ago when their father shot a shotgun from a boat, fell in, and discovered a body, think about "Sheriff Shawn," then the odd bit at the end about life "bubbles." I feel it was a bit rambling. Maybe it would seem in better context with the rest of the play or screenplay, but I'm not compelled by this excerpt.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 21-Dec-2018

---

reply by the author on 21-Dec-2018

This was the fourth independent scene with Pez and Pallas. It would seem out of left field and unsupported on its own, I suppose. I thnk two of the other three sre still promoted if you wsnt to look them up.

reply by Jason A. Kilgore on 21-Dec-2018

Thank you. Will do.

Comment from Sugarray77

Excellent

You did a great job, Bill, on this dialogue only script. The continuation from before of the conversation between Pez and Pallas is well constructed, logical and colorful .... the family history and dynamics. i am enjoying reading good stories in script form.

Melissa

 Comment Written 19-Dec-2018

---

reply by the author on 19-Dec-2018

Thank you, Melissa, for the positive review. Bill

Comment from judiverse

Excellent

Pez and Pallas have been mixed up in a lot of murders, it seems. It's amazing what things you can remember. Pez clearly remembers all those details about being out on the lake with his father and little Pallas. With a murder involved, though, it's no wonder that Pez has those memories. He even recalls the spot where the body was found. Wonder why the murder was hushed up the way it was. Great comment from Pallas about living in a bubble. It a nice thought for children to be protected. judi

 Comment Written 18-Dec-2018

---

reply by the author on 18-Dec-2018

Thanks, Judi, for giving this a look. Pez could write a book about the goings on in his town.

reply by judiverse on 18-Dec-2018

He would have a lot to confess to. Who knows what mystery might lurk in a small town. It certainly happened in Cabot Cove. judi

Comment from Y. M. Roger

Excellent

Yeah...that Sheriff Shawn guy was/is definitely a loose cannon, so to speak. And what a hilarious conversation between the two brothers -- very entertaining!! ;) :) Some small messages written in-between the lines as well...great write! ;) ;) Thanx for sharing! :) Yvette

 Comment Written 18-Dec-2018

---

reply by the author on 18-Dec-2018

Thanks, Yvette. I have a couple more scenes for these two.

Comment from Dean Kuch

Excellent

Pez: "Bubbles are good. They mean life. It's when the bubbles stop you're done. Then it's just time to take the boat into the shore." ... or simply go down with the ship, as all good captains are wont to do.
Are these based on real-life experiences, Bill.
Or are they merely fiction?
Just curious, not important, really.
Good stuff...

 Comment Written 17-Dec-2018

---

reply by the author on 17-Dec-2018

First two, funeral and street are based on true stories. The porch and boat are stories from my home town that are re-envisioned. You?d think I lived in Peyton Place.

reply by Dean Kuch on 17-Dec-2018

Hahaha, I know what you mean.

Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Excellent

Bubbles are good. They mean life. <-- Brilliant lines!
Good story. We all have those early half-memories that make no sense to a toddler, yet the mood of the moment remains. It's a kind of understanding that's purely purely emotional. I have some really weird ones myself. :)

 Comment Written 17-Dec-2018

---

reply by the author on 17-Dec-2018

Thanks, Phyllis, for the positive review and pointing out what works. Bill

Comment from Teri7

Excellent

Bill, This this is a very cute and very funny script you have penned about two guys at a boat rental. You used very cute and good descriptive words with good imagery from the art work. You are very good at these scripts. Blessings, Teri


Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

 Comment Written 17-Dec-2018

---

reply by the author on 17-Dec-2018

Thanks, Teri.

Comment from Miss Sherry

Excellent

Great story - one that tells of some history. It is not over-written, but subtle and easy to get lost in. Love it! It reminded me of my Grandfather and uncles. All the food we ate came from their hunting and gathering. Nice trip down memory lane.

 Comment Written 17-Dec-2018

---

reply by the author on 17-Dec-2018

Thanks for giving this a look.

Comment from lyenochka

Excellent

Boy that Pez sure has some stories. I would guess that the Dad was babysitting both of them so wouldn't he say, "us" instead of "you?" But then again, he might have been old enough to not need babysitting. Guess it was that sheriff again.

 Comment Written 17-Dec-2018

---

reply by the author on 17-Dec-2018

Pez was in school (We assume). He?s ten years older than Pallas.

Comment from country ranch writer

Excellent

Hum, goings on around there when they were youngn's seems to keep popping up as to who did what to whom back then. Well, we shall see what pops up next.

 Comment Written 17-Dec-2018

---

reply by the author on 17-Dec-2018

Thanks, CRW, for following the boys.