Sins of Chaos
Viewing comments for Chapter 31 "Savage"A Novel of the Breedline series
8 total reviews
Comment from ngage
Outstanding writing, Ms. Shana!
You definitely captured my attention throughout this chapter. Fantastic scene with the two detectives. You brought me right there as I read along. Great imagination!
The part with Anna and Apollyon was excellent. The bar scene seemed realistic and full of action. I'm looking forward to the next scene. Your story is by far one of the best here.
Nate
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2018
  |
Outstanding writing, Ms. Shana!
You definitely captured my attention throughout this chapter. Fantastic scene with the two detectives. You brought me right there as I read along. Great imagination!
The part with Anna and Apollyon was excellent. The bar scene seemed realistic and full of action. I'm looking forward to the next scene. Your story is by far one of the best here.
Nate
Comment Written 28-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2018
-
Awww... thank you, Nate! :)
I really enjoyed writing this chapter. I've always wanted to put a little thriller/horror into my story. The bar scene was brutal, but I love to put my imagination to work. Stay tuned my friend. More to come!
Big hug,
Shana :)
Comment from apky
Once again you've woven your magical tapestry here and left the reader gasping to know what happens next. I hope Anna escapes the clutches of Apollyon, but who knows? And will Nate recognize anybody in the video? What exactly is going on outside there?
Fabulous storytelling, darling.
They recognized the faces of meaningless(the use of this adjective as is, here, rings wrong; as if they're not worth anything as people, which I don't think is what you mean to say. Perhaps inconsequential OR insignificant for their case?) strangers, but unfortunately, no one caught their attention.
his head spraying like a red geyser ~ I'd be careful with this one in consideration of credibility; unless the guy is some alien, human head wounds don't spray because there are no major arteries or veins in the head. Head injuries tend to leak out the blood in a flow, not a spray.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2018
 |
Once again you've woven your magical tapestry here and left the reader gasping to know what happens next. I hope Anna escapes the clutches of Apollyon, but who knows? And will Nate recognize anybody in the video? What exactly is going on outside there?
Fabulous storytelling, darling.
They recognized the faces of meaningless(the use of this adjective as is, here, rings wrong; as if they're not worth anything as people, which I don't think is what you mean to say. Perhaps inconsequential OR insignificant for their case?) strangers, but unfortunately, no one caught their attention.
his head spraying like a red geyser ~ I'd be careful with this one in consideration of credibility; unless the guy is some alien, human head wounds don't spray because there are no major arteries or veins in the head. Head injuries tend to leak out the blood in a flow, not a spray.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2018
-
Thank you, girl :)
This chapter was so fun to write even though it was somewhat brutal in some of the parts. I will take your advice and thanks so much. I do appreciate all your help. This is the best part of FanStory. I am so lucky to have learned and continue to learn from awesome writers. You're the best!
Always your fan,
Shana :)
-
Hello again,
I just remembered you asked me about how I found trad publishers. Actually I only have two trad publishers, in in New York for my nonfiction stuff, and one in Munich for my German version novels. When it comes to Golden Shana, all the publishers suggested I should bring in the usual hardcore BDSM. I refused and decided to self-publish. Can you imagine Rome whipping or flogging his Golden? Can you imagine Shana enjoying a "golden shower" from her Rome? Can you imagine Rome sharing his Golden with two other men all penetrating her every orifice?
Right. Neither could I. In this series, I'm actually writing for myself, stealing/borrowing what I enjoy with hubby and lending them to Shana and Roman. I particularly love their psychological mind games during sex; this sword-clashing that is so sizzling hot!
BTW have you read Untouchable to the end? Working on the conquest. I want Shana to be the kickass who deals with Sggirb once and for all!
Fondly,
Aki
-
I do have one other question. Who would you suggest to me for a traditional publisher with my genre? I would be grateful for all the tips you can give me. I'm pretty much on my own, and I'm tired of paying self-publishers.
Thanks so much!
BTW... yes I love the whole book (Golden Shana), and you need to write another one. I think Shana would be a great kick-ass character!
Hugs,
Shana :)
Comment from royowen
Amazingly you've switched to the bar scenes, where it was the scene of several horrid, cannabalistic murder mutilations. Nate Gage is the owner of the nightclub where Appolyon is hanging out there, with lots of problems coming up. Nate and his detective uncle Sanchez, are breedline, but Sanchez wasn't aware his dad was breedline, so now, we've got a different, are you blending them together Shana? Fantastic episode dear friend, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : WW wrest(l)er woman
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2018
|
Amazingly you've switched to the bar scenes, where it was the scene of several horrid, cannabalistic murder mutilations. Nate Gage is the owner of the nightclub where Appolyon is hanging out there, with lots of problems coming up. Nate and his detective uncle Sanchez, are breedline, but Sanchez wasn't aware his dad was breedline, so now, we've got a different, are you blending them together Shana? Fantastic episode dear friend, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : WW wrest(l)er woman
Comment Written 27-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2018
-
Thank you Roy :)
I had fun writing the bar scene even though it was a bit brutal. The character named Nate was written for my son. He gave me the ideas for the name of the clubs in my story since he knows a lot about that.
Thanks for always supporting me. You're awesome!
Always your fan,
Shana :) .
-
Always my pleasure Shana
Comment from rwilliam
I recognize HIM. :))) Great photo.
As they entered the room at the White Swan Inn Mr. Taylor had checked into, the walls were painted with his blood. --something feels off with this sentence. Maybe... They entered the room at the White Swan Inn where Mr Taylor had checked in. The walls were painted with his blood....IDK? Something like that?
Anna froze and stared up into Apollyon's face. Fear thickened the air around her, turning it into a blanket that covered her from head to toe. --I love this line!
EXCELLENT chapter, my friend. Really good!! I like how you always leave us at the end of the chapter, wanting more. Great writing!!
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2018
|
I recognize HIM. :))) Great photo.
As they entered the room at the White Swan Inn Mr. Taylor had checked into, the walls were painted with his blood. --something feels off with this sentence. Maybe... They entered the room at the White Swan Inn where Mr Taylor had checked in. The walls were painted with his blood....IDK? Something like that?
Anna froze and stared up into Apollyon's face. Fear thickened the air around her, turning it into a blanket that covered her from head to toe. --I love this line!
EXCELLENT chapter, my friend. Really good!! I like how you always leave us at the end of the chapter, wanting more. Great writing!!
Comment Written 27-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2018
-
Thank you, girl! :)
I sure appreciate the advice and fantastic feedback. I need another pair of eyes that see what I over look. This is why I want to keep putting chapters here. I get so much help from you, and a few others.
I wanted to create a character for my son. Nate is supposed to be Nathan. That's his nickname or they call him Gage. He gave me the ideas for the names of the bars in my story. I hope he enjoys reading about his character.
Thanks again!
Always your fan,
Shana :)
-
Oh that is so cool. Yeah you do a fantastic job of naming things. VERY realistic!
Comment from DonandVicki
You have gone into great depth and detail on creating your plot and dialogue. Very suspencefull and You certainly know how to keep the reader on edge. Well written.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2018
|
You have gone into great depth and detail on creating your plot and dialogue. Very suspencefull and You certainly know how to keep the reader on edge. Well written.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2018
-
Thank you! :)
It's so nice to hear from you again! Glad you enjoyed this chapter. I had fun writing it. It's fun to be the bad guy sometimes even if its just make believe. Haha!
Hope your enjoyed your holiday!
Sincerely,
Shana :)
Comment from bluish
What a suspense? I like mystery and suspense story. Thumbs up for this story. I can wait for the next events.Hope it can televise. Surely it will be great!
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2018
|
What a suspense? I like mystery and suspense story. Thumbs up for this story. I can wait for the next events.Hope it can televise. Surely it will be great!
Comment Written 26-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2018
-
Thanks so much! :)
So glad to hear you enjoyed this chapter. I know I had fun writing it. My dream would be for a big publishing company to take my Breedline stories serious. A girl can always dream, right?
Stay tuned my friend, more Breedline adventures to come!
Sincerely,
Shana :)
Comment from fm wright
Did you mean wrestler as opposed to wrester? Anyway, it is another intriguing chapter that has me on edge as to what is going to happen next. It continues to be interesting as more of each of their backgrounds are brought out. GOOD WRITE!
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2018
|
Did you mean wrestler as opposed to wrester? Anyway, it is another intriguing chapter that has me on edge as to what is going to happen next. It continues to be interesting as more of each of their backgrounds are brought out. GOOD WRITE!
Comment Written 26-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2018
-
Thank you! :)
Wow! Awesome review and feedback. I do appreciate it! And thanks for catching my typo. It is supposed to be wrestler. It's funny how you read your story a hundred times and never catch the obvious. Haha!
Thanks again!
Big hug!
Shana :)
-
Have to say failing to catch my own errors happens to me more times than I'd like and you're welcome!
Comment from robyn corum
S,
First of all, I wanted to say congrats on the publishing of your first book in the series. Way to go! I know you're thrilled, and you should be!
I enjoyed this active chapter and only saw a couple spots you may want to re-check:
1.) A thin looking guy with a nervous expression on his face was being escorted past them
--> you can leave off the thin-(looking) part. Right? He either was thin or he wasn't.
2.) like the guy selling drugs in his bar (who) had just been taken to his office.
--> when referring to humans, use 'who' instead of what or that
Thanks!
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2018
|
S,
First of all, I wanted to say congrats on the publishing of your first book in the series. Way to go! I know you're thrilled, and you should be!
I enjoyed this active chapter and only saw a couple spots you may want to re-check:
1.) A thin looking guy with a nervous expression on his face was being escorted past them
--> you can leave off the thin-(looking) part. Right? He either was thin or he wasn't.
2.) like the guy selling drugs in his bar (who) had just been taken to his office.
--> when referring to humans, use 'who' instead of what or that
Thanks!
Comment Written 26-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2018
-
Thank you, Robyn :)
I appreciate the awesome feedback and the advice. I love to learn from other writers here. If it wasn't for FanStory and all the people here, I would have never started this book and certainly never progressed.
Wishing you happy holidays!
Thanks again,
Shana :)
