Mmm, Darling
Can't wait10 total reviews
Comment from apky
Hello there,
You have a great story here which I'd have loved to read to the end. But there are so many little nits in the writing that irritate the reader. You need to go over the story again and get rid of them. I'll be only too happy to come back and read the story again. You'll find my corrections below, and they'll alert you to the kind of little mistakes you need to edit out.
"(delete space) Pippa is no match for Jeffersons(do you mean Jefferson's or Jeffersons'? At any rate, you need the apostrophe in the right place.) wild ways(,)(delete space) " I croaked, as I dabbed each corner of my mouth with the freshly laundered serviette.
It'(Its, that is, the restaurants's sexy waiters. It's with the apostrophe is short for: It is) sexy waiters and their charm had lured us in on a regular basis.
So,(add space here to separate the two words)we had continued to come here every Friday for the past two years
full of banter and gossip galore,(add space to separate the two words)and my favourite(delete apostrophe ') topics of the latest fashion and makeup
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2018
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Hello there,
You have a great story here which I'd have loved to read to the end. But there are so many little nits in the writing that irritate the reader. You need to go over the story again and get rid of them. I'll be only too happy to come back and read the story again. You'll find my corrections below, and they'll alert you to the kind of little mistakes you need to edit out.
"(delete space) Pippa is no match for Jeffersons(do you mean Jefferson's or Jeffersons'? At any rate, you need the apostrophe in the right place.) wild ways(,)(delete space) " I croaked, as I dabbed each corner of my mouth with the freshly laundered serviette.
It'(Its, that is, the restaurants's sexy waiters. It's with the apostrophe is short for: It is) sexy waiters and their charm had lured us in on a regular basis.
So,(add space here to separate the two words)we had continued to come here every Friday for the past two years
full of banter and gossip galore,(add space to separate the two words)and my favourite(delete apostrophe ') topics of the latest fashion and makeup
Comment Written 03-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2018
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Okay , sorry you didn't read the story anyway
: )
Comment from Marc Grimaldi
What in the? Talk about laying on the shock! That was just crazy. You definitely have a knack for shock value. There are some punctuational adjustments that should be made and for some reason, there are a lot of spacing issues. Maybe, this has something to do with the way it translated from your original document? Anyway, look it over.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2018
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What in the? Talk about laying on the shock! That was just crazy. You definitely have a knack for shock value. There are some punctuational adjustments that should be made and for some reason, there are a lot of spacing issues. Maybe, this has something to do with the way it translated from your original document? Anyway, look it over.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2018
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Thank you
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Well, now there's surprising ending...but it would explain Pippa's vacancy toward the guys. :) ;) ;) Absolutely loved it!! :) ;) ;) Great job on the set-up and keeping the mystery veiled until the very end -- you did a great job with that! :) Have included below some grammatical catches that may help the flow of the piece - feel free to ignore if you like. :) Great steamy write to start the week! :) ;)
"basis.So we" -- 'basis. So, we'
"galore ; and my favourite" -- 'galore; my favourite' OR 'galore, and my favourite'
"my brother Jefferson. He had been nicknamed the lion.Jefferson" -- 'my brother, Jefferson. He had been nicknamed 'the lion'. Jefferson'
"but unluckily for them the only" -- 'but, unluckily for them, the only'
"wilder cat Pippa" -- 'wilder cat, Pippa'
"man lusted her, but she lusted no one" -- 'man lusted after her, but she lusted after no one'
"So dear Jefferson amongst many others waited in a queue, but unlike those others; my brother" -- 'So, dear Jefferson, amongst many others, waited in a queue, but, unlike those others, my brother'
"gets, and so the" -- 'gets; so the'
"car,but the annoying sounding horn did" -- 'car, but the annoying horn did'
"then with foot down, carried on to" -- 'then, with foot down, carried on to'
"being, he was worried someone might take his dream girl Pippa away" -- 'being that he was worried someone might take his dream girl, Pippa, away'
"party Jefferson wanted to do a peace offering and so disapeared" -- 'party, Jefferson wanted to do a peace offering and disappeared'
"drinks it was" -- 'drinks, it was'
"chatted , but it was not for long, because unluckily for Jefferson - his friends pulled him away to go join them" -- 'chatted but not for long. Unluckily for Jefferson, his friends pulled him away to go join them'
"I too mingled but some how ended up alone at the bar, though was" -- 'I, too, mingled but some how ended up alone at the bar where I was'
"barriers and so it was" -- 'barriers, and it was'
"hypnotic. our stares could not be broken ." -- 'hypnotic. Our stares could not be broken.'
[need to add some 'line spacings' in this grouping of sentences and quotes here]
"Then as our eyes again met, our lips did too." -- 'Then, as our eyes again met, our lips did, too.'
"The kiss passionate and hot. took me to a place that no other had, so I could not help but tingle as the surge of excitement kept me in a volcano of pleasure, and as it continued to erupt I knew I was not the only one to feel this electricity of lust." -- 'The kiss was passionate and hot. It took me to a place that no other had, and I could not help but tingle as the surge of excitement kept me in a volcano of pleasure. As it continued to erupt, I knew I was not the only one to feel this electricity of lust.'
"does this mean you are mine" -- 'Does this mean you are mine?'
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2018
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Well, now there's surprising ending...but it would explain Pippa's vacancy toward the guys. :) ;) ;) Absolutely loved it!! :) ;) ;) Great job on the set-up and keeping the mystery veiled until the very end -- you did a great job with that! :) Have included below some grammatical catches that may help the flow of the piece - feel free to ignore if you like. :) Great steamy write to start the week! :) ;)
"basis.So we" -- 'basis. So, we'
"galore ; and my favourite" -- 'galore; my favourite' OR 'galore, and my favourite'
"my brother Jefferson. He had been nicknamed the lion.Jefferson" -- 'my brother, Jefferson. He had been nicknamed 'the lion'. Jefferson'
"but unluckily for them the only" -- 'but, unluckily for them, the only'
"wilder cat Pippa" -- 'wilder cat, Pippa'
"man lusted her, but she lusted no one" -- 'man lusted after her, but she lusted after no one'
"So dear Jefferson amongst many others waited in a queue, but unlike those others; my brother" -- 'So, dear Jefferson, amongst many others, waited in a queue, but, unlike those others, my brother'
"gets, and so the" -- 'gets; so the'
"car,but the annoying sounding horn did" -- 'car, but the annoying horn did'
"then with foot down, carried on to" -- 'then, with foot down, carried on to'
"being, he was worried someone might take his dream girl Pippa away" -- 'being that he was worried someone might take his dream girl, Pippa, away'
"party Jefferson wanted to do a peace offering and so disapeared" -- 'party, Jefferson wanted to do a peace offering and disappeared'
"drinks it was" -- 'drinks, it was'
"chatted , but it was not for long, because unluckily for Jefferson - his friends pulled him away to go join them" -- 'chatted but not for long. Unluckily for Jefferson, his friends pulled him away to go join them'
"I too mingled but some how ended up alone at the bar, though was" -- 'I, too, mingled but some how ended up alone at the bar where I was'
"barriers and so it was" -- 'barriers, and it was'
"hypnotic. our stares could not be broken ." -- 'hypnotic. Our stares could not be broken.'
[need to add some 'line spacings' in this grouping of sentences and quotes here]
"Then as our eyes again met, our lips did too." -- 'Then, as our eyes again met, our lips did, too.'
"The kiss passionate and hot. took me to a place that no other had, so I could not help but tingle as the surge of excitement kept me in a volcano of pleasure, and as it continued to erupt I knew I was not the only one to feel this electricity of lust." -- 'The kiss was passionate and hot. It took me to a place that no other had, and I could not help but tingle as the surge of excitement kept me in a volcano of pleasure. As it continued to erupt, I knew I was not the only one to feel this electricity of lust.'
"does this mean you are mine" -- 'Does this mean you are mine?'
Comment Written 03-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2018
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Thank you so much for taking time to show me the errors . It is so appreciated ! I have done as you suggested .
Could you take another look and let me know if it is any better now ? Big thanks
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The reason I used the single quote on the correction was to discern it from the actual quotes of words I took out of your writing. The first in double quotes (i.e, "word" ) is to denote that was what you had and the second in single quotes (i.e., 'words') is to denote the suggested change -- the quotes, whether double or single on the ends are simply to define beginning and ending. :) ;) ;) ;) So, don't put them into the piece, just the words themselves. :) ;) ;) Does that make sense? :) ;)
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Hi : )
No I don't understand : (
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When you put in my suggestion corrections, do not include the quotation mark at the beginning and at the end of each suggestion. ;) ;)
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Could you write a little sentence to show what you are meaning ?
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Here is a copied line from your current write:
He had been nicknamed the lion'.Jefferson always got the girl,'but,unluckily for them,the
It should not have those single quotation marks in it...like this:
He had been nicknamed the lion. Jefferson always got the girl, but,unluckily for them,the
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Thanks . Another thing I am doing wrong is the spacing.
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Yep....and be sure to add either a comma or a period inside your quotation marks at the end of someone speaking (just before the she said or he said...) :) ;) Just love your story!! ;) ;)
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I just added another bit towards the end when they were kissing : )
Comment from DonandVicki
It sounds like the night is getting more and more interesting. You certainly know how to end a story keeping the reader in suspence. Well written and easy to read.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2018
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It sounds like the night is getting more and more interesting. You certainly know how to end a story keeping the reader in suspence. Well written and easy to read.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2018
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Thank you
Comment from royowen
It's good to see the person who is the hero and narrator of this story finally winning the object of his affection. I found it both enjoyeble and readable. Perhaps personal physical and personality descriptions of the characters in the story could be on greater detail. Well done, good job, blessings, Roy.
Typo : Impatience of car(')s persistent noise. But with wink in Pippa(')s way.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2018
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It's good to see the person who is the hero and narrator of this story finally winning the object of his affection. I found it both enjoyeble and readable. Perhaps personal physical and personality descriptions of the characters in the story could be on greater detail. Well done, good job, blessings, Roy.
Typo : Impatience of car(')s persistent noise. But with wink in Pippa(')s way.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2018
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Hi Roy , I have just added a bit more to the ending if you would like to have another look : )
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Good job Jean
Comment from Sefiros
It's definitely better. You use your paragraphs to exhibit detail, which creates an orderly feel for your descriptions. One, two, three, etc. The trouble with that tactic is that you can easily make the story unreadable by making the story into a list of every little thing. You have to choose what details to explain and which ones to leave behind. You've done a good job so far, so don't be worried.
You still do more telling more than showing. Jefferson is a flat character. Some actual dialogue on his part could flesh him out. Or, if he's supposed to be two-dimensional, the words he chooses could emphasize his nature. It's a win-win.
Good luck with future posts.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2018
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It's definitely better. You use your paragraphs to exhibit detail, which creates an orderly feel for your descriptions. One, two, three, etc. The trouble with that tactic is that you can easily make the story unreadable by making the story into a list of every little thing. You have to choose what details to explain and which ones to leave behind. You've done a good job so far, so don't be worried.
You still do more telling more than showing. Jefferson is a flat character. Some actual dialogue on his part could flesh him out. Or, if he's supposed to be two-dimensional, the words he chooses could emphasize his nature. It's a win-win.
Good luck with future posts.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2018
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I think I have done what you advised. Could you take another look and let me know ?
Comment from susand3022
Okay, that's just mean!! Leaving with the girl your brother has a thing for? I don't want to think about what would have happened if one of my sisters had done that to the other. Overall interesting though. It does need some cleaning up. I had a tip from another at fanstory who said to put an extra space between paragraphs, it makes it easier to read. They were right of course. ð??? Also you need to go over your punctuation, just little things that make the difference. Make sure of spacing around peroids, commas, quotation marks and that sort of thing. Silly stuff really. Keep it up!
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2018
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Okay, that's just mean!! Leaving with the girl your brother has a thing for? I don't want to think about what would have happened if one of my sisters had done that to the other. Overall interesting though. It does need some cleaning up. I had a tip from another at fanstory who said to put an extra space between paragraphs, it makes it easier to read. They were right of course. ð??? Also you need to go over your punctuation, just little things that make the difference. Make sure of spacing around peroids, commas, quotation marks and that sort of thing. Silly stuff really. Keep it up!
Comment Written 22-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2018
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Yes this story has a twist to it , lol.
I have tieded this up a few times now so don't know where the existing errors could be : (
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HELP ! I am having difficulty to polish this up as was previously advised to not do any spacing. And as for the punctuation I really can't see how to improve this ?
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Okay Jean... here it comes! -again because I was halfway through the punctuation part and something happened and I lost the whole thing. You may get this in parts! LOL
Okay then... Re: spacing... Some do, some don't. I don't think there is a hard and fast rule about it either way. It was suggested to me as a way of differentiating paragraphs in this format. You can either leave an extra space between paragraphs or you can indent the beginning of each paragraph like they do in a book. The idea is to BE CONSISTENT! Do it with every paragraph. You can't do some and not others the way you have done here. If you don't want to leave spaces between paragraphs then just indent the first line of each. Don't forget that each time you change character you start a new paragraph!
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Next!!! LOL ...RE: Punctuation...
I noticed that when you use quotes that you leave a space between the word and the quote. It doesn't belong there. You also need punctuation at the end of each sentence. Your first sentence says, " Mmm darling I can't wait " It should read, "Mmm, darling I can't wait." I did add the extra comma after Mmm because it feels like a person would naturally pause there when speaking. If you are reading your work out loud to yourself, and you should, and you find that you naturally pause somewhere that way when you're reading, that's a good indication that you can use a comma in that space. If a quotation mark begins a sentence, the word is capitalized. "It's going to be..." You really need to watch the punctuation placement and spaces together. "lunch now over , we..." there is no space between over and the comma. "lunch now over, we..."
these are just some examples of what you need to look for. You may just be typing too fast and your keys are getting away from you! LOL Just proof a little better, maybe read your things aloud to yourself and FEEL where your commas go more than try to figure it out by rules, I find that a lot easier. Best of luck, Come back any time! Susan (with the useless English degree)
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Have I not spaced it correctly now ?
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Jean,
Let me know when your edit is all finished. I'll be happy to take another look for you. Susan
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Thank you so much Susan . I have completed it now so could you please take another look ?
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Hi Jean, I looked but I can't tell what you changed. Am I looking at an old message? Susan
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Hi , this is a new message . I have adjusted the spacing and added some more plot to the story
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Jean, I read it again and yes, you have added new text but I never spoke with you about text. I spoke with you about your punctuation, which hasn't changed at all, which is why I didn't think you changed it. Still spaces that don't belong, words that should be capitalized but aren't etc... And I'm sorry... does he have to be her brother? Can't he just be an acquaintance of some sort? That she takes the girl from her own brother just really makes her look so unfeeling. 😞
Comment from kahpot
A wonderful read, while reading, about halfway through I was wondering if Pippa may have been chasing something or someone different, this is an excellent story, very well written****kahpot
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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A wonderful read, while reading, about halfway through I was wondering if Pippa may have been chasing something or someone different, this is an excellent story, very well written****kahpot
Comment Written 21-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Thank you
Comment from Ricky1024
This read smooth and creepy.
It read well and Flowed Well with no Grammar Issues.
Adjective Content was excellent while Objective Content was Exceptional.
Descriptive Measures Aligned Perfectly.
Doctor Ricky1024
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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This read smooth and creepy.
It read well and Flowed Well with no Grammar Issues.
Adjective Content was excellent while Objective Content was Exceptional.
Descriptive Measures Aligned Perfectly.
Doctor Ricky1024
Comment Written 21-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Thank you
Comment from Natalie Walker
This is an interesting story. I like the protaganist's voice and the dialogue. There are a lot of grammar and formatting errors, though. There are spaces between the quotation marks and dialogue and sometimes no punctuation at the end of the dialogue. I also think the last section should be separated into more paragraphs. It's a great story, just needs a little editing.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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This is an interesting story. I like the protaganist's voice and the dialogue. There are a lot of grammar and formatting errors, though. There are spaces between the quotation marks and dialogue and sometimes no punctuation at the end of the dialogue. I also think the last section should be separated into more paragraphs. It's a great story, just needs a little editing.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Hi , can you tell me where the errors are?
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Yes, for some reason there are spaces between the quotation marks and the dialogue in every line of dialogue. There should be no space between the quotation marks and the first/last word of dialogue.
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Could you write a bit of an example to what you mean? because it is not showing spaces here
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Maybe it's not showing it in the editor, but if you click the "read it" button and read the first few sentences you'll see there is a space between the dialogue and quotation marks in every line of dialogue. This is the reader's view, maybe it looks different from the editing view.
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There are also a few missing punctuation marks, such as the first sentence doesn't end in a period.
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I think I have corrected the space issue. Could you take a look and let me know ?
is it any better now ? ?
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I think I have corrected the space issues .
Could you take a look and let me know if it is now any better ?
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Hi, sorry for the late reply. I just took another look at the story and noticed a lot of the same issues. Maybe it's not saving correctly? I'm going to raise my rating to four stars since I see that you're trying to fix it and I do really like the story/characters. But, even more important than the spacing, there is still a lot of improperly formatted dialogue (such as the third line of dialogue not beginning with a capital letter and ending with a period/comma). If you're able to fix some of these grammar mistakes, I think the story would really benefit because it would be less of a distraction. Have a great day, and I hope you keep working at it because it has a lot of potential!
