Infinite love
If I take this potion7 total reviews
Comment from C. Gale Burnett
I totally loved this! I enjoyed reading of the back and forth struggle, as you were trying to make a decision. I was surprised and delighted at the answer you came up with in making your choice. (Careful of spelling ... I do the same thing, getting too wrapped up in my words sometimes and the excitement of writing.) This was excellent, and I truly wish you the best in the contest!
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2018
  |
I totally loved this! I enjoyed reading of the back and forth struggle, as you were trying to make a decision. I was surprised and delighted at the answer you came up with in making your choice. (Careful of spelling ... I do the same thing, getting too wrapped up in my words sometimes and the excitement of writing.) This was excellent, and I truly wish you the best in the contest!
Comment Written 25-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2018
-
Thank you
Comment from lyenochka
Sounds really intriguing and you met the challenge well. Still, I'm a little confused because early on, it says:
"But will I be happy never to experience maternal love , never to hold a child in my arms?"
Yet, it seems to drink that infinity potion, the narrator has chosen to be a mother - always, nurturing one child after another. It seems the best situation - to continually mother and experience giving maternal love.
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
|
Sounds really intriguing and you met the challenge well. Still, I'm a little confused because early on, it says:
"But will I be happy never to experience maternal love , never to hold a child in my arms?"
Yet, it seems to drink that infinity potion, the narrator has chosen to be a mother - always, nurturing one child after another. It seems the best situation - to continually mother and experience giving maternal love.
Comment Written 19-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
-
Yes at the beggining her thoughts are questioning what it would be like to be childless so she then turns it around so she is able able to experience both the potion and have a child
Comment from Y. M. Roger
what a beautiful write extolling the virtues and blessings of adoption as a viable option to those for whom childbirth is no longer one!! :) ;) Thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest! :) ;)
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
|
what a beautiful write extolling the virtues and blessings of adoption as a viable option to those for whom childbirth is no longer one!! :) ;) Thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest! :) ;)
Comment Written 19-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
-
Thank you
Comment from Sugarray77
I really like your answer to this prompt... having it all, would be a forever choice.... you could even take a break from raising really small children and then pick it back up.... what a choice!!
I would mention there is a bit of editing
There was one last thing to do before everything (was) complete
Melissa
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
|
I really like your answer to this prompt... having it all, would be a forever choice.... you could even take a break from raising really small children and then pick it back up.... what a choice!!
I would mention there is a bit of editing
There was one last thing to do before everything (was) complete
Melissa
Comment Written 19-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
-
Thank you for your review and pointing out the needed editing
Comment from giraffmang
I have to admit that when I first saw this comp, this is exactly what I thought about. Nicely played out.
its magnetic force that seem to be drawing me in - need end punctuation here.
Be careful with your end line punctuation as sometimes you put a space before it and other times not. There's no need for one but consistency is key.
As I swallowed the potion of life I felt its glow light up my insides I felt its life surge through my body as it made its forever claim . - should have some form of punctuation after insides - probably a full stop / period.
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
|
I have to admit that when I first saw this comp, this is exactly what I thought about. Nicely played out.
its magnetic force that seem to be drawing me in - need end punctuation here.
Be careful with your end line punctuation as sometimes you put a space before it and other times not. There's no need for one but consistency is key.
As I swallowed the potion of life I felt its glow light up my insides I felt its life surge through my body as it made its forever claim . - should have some form of punctuation after insides - probably a full stop / period.
Comment Written 19-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
-
Thank you
Comment from Lady Jane
If I take this potion I will be cured. No more ageing, no more wondering when my last breath is going to be , no more trying to aquire all my wants in this short lived life and no more bucket list. - edit suggestion
If I take this potion(,) I will be cured. No more (aging.) No more wondering when my last breath (will be.) No more trying to acquire all my wants in this short lived life(,) and no more bucket list.
But will I really be happy never to experience maternal love , never to hold a child in my arms. - edit suggestion
But will I be happy never to experience maternal love, never to hold a child in my arms?
My eyes now focused on the powder blue liquid before me, I then become lost in its neon glow, mesmerized (by) its magnetic force that seem(s) to be drawing me in(.) -edit sentence
This collection of thoughts travelled in my mind and they were not going anywhere except in a never ending circle . -edit suggestion
This collection of thoughts traveled in my mind, and they were not going anywhere except in a never-ending circle.
As I swallowed the potion of life(,) I felt its glow light up my insides(.)-edited sentence
So I now reached for the phone. -edit suggestion
I reached for my phone, dialed the number, (then) the voice on the other end of the line told me they recieved the signed contract(.)
I smiled (in confirmation.) I was (now) ready to offer a forever home for the baby(.) (And) when (she is grown,) I (will) be in a position to offer a home to another(,) then another. - edited sentence for structure
The adoption agency thanked me for my (infinite) love and told me...
What an interesting take on the prompt, writer. I've made some edit suggestions to help with flow and fluidity of read. This piece, however, has definite potential. The build up to the ending was executed in a profound way. Good luck in the contest. Keep writing! It suits you...
Janelle
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
|
If I take this potion I will be cured. No more ageing, no more wondering when my last breath is going to be , no more trying to aquire all my wants in this short lived life and no more bucket list. - edit suggestion
If I take this potion(,) I will be cured. No more (aging.) No more wondering when my last breath (will be.) No more trying to acquire all my wants in this short lived life(,) and no more bucket list.
But will I really be happy never to experience maternal love , never to hold a child in my arms. - edit suggestion
But will I be happy never to experience maternal love, never to hold a child in my arms?
My eyes now focused on the powder blue liquid before me, I then become lost in its neon glow, mesmerized (by) its magnetic force that seem(s) to be drawing me in(.) -edit sentence
This collection of thoughts travelled in my mind and they were not going anywhere except in a never ending circle . -edit suggestion
This collection of thoughts traveled in my mind, and they were not going anywhere except in a never-ending circle.
As I swallowed the potion of life(,) I felt its glow light up my insides(.)-edited sentence
So I now reached for the phone. -edit suggestion
I reached for my phone, dialed the number, (then) the voice on the other end of the line told me they recieved the signed contract(.)
I smiled (in confirmation.) I was (now) ready to offer a forever home for the baby(.) (And) when (she is grown,) I (will) be in a position to offer a home to another(,) then another. - edited sentence for structure
The adoption agency thanked me for my (infinite) love and told me...
What an interesting take on the prompt, writer. I've made some edit suggestions to help with flow and fluidity of read. This piece, however, has definite potential. The build up to the ending was executed in a profound way. Good luck in the contest. Keep writing! It suits you...
Janelle
Comment Written 18-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
-
Thank you so much for your review and taking the time to help edit.
I know I am no good at the edit side of writing so this really helped me : )
Do you know of any one that will do proof reading for the book I am writing ?
-
Most people on here might for a nominal fee because it does take time and editing smarticles ;-) you?re writing a book is way cool! Congratulations, dear.
-
Yes writing is my passion : )
Just no good at the editing part of it
Comment from J. Dennis
Infinity Cure has a story line that makes one think. Especially if that person is a woman. Most women want a family or at least one child.
Here the character got an offer of longer than a mortal's lifetime. I could not tell you what my decision would be. It's that tough.
So you have written a very interesting story. There are no mistakes in spelling or grammar. The story is short but complete.
Very nice job.
Have a nice week.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2018
|
Infinity Cure has a story line that makes one think. Especially if that person is a woman. Most women want a family or at least one child.
Here the character got an offer of longer than a mortal's lifetime. I could not tell you what my decision would be. It's that tough.
So you have written a very interesting story. There are no mistakes in spelling or grammar. The story is short but complete.
Very nice job.
Have a nice week.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2018
-
Thank you
