Death by Delivery
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Down for the Count"Nick takes down criminals that cost him his job.
9 total reviews
Comment from apky
Misty, I'll be honest and say I rushed through this somewhat and skipped looking too closely at plot, dialogue, credibility and so on this time. I have my hands full lately and can hardly get here on FanStory.
I'm trusting on your great improvement over the last months and I'm sure you're keeping that up.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2018
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Misty, I'll be honest and say I rushed through this somewhat and skipped looking too closely at plot, dialogue, credibility and so on this time. I have my hands full lately and can hardly get here on FanStory.
I'm trusting on your great improvement over the last months and I'm sure you're keeping that up.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2018
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Thank you so much for your great review, and all your help, support, friendship, it's always greatly appreciated. Hope all is well with you. Take care.
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Well I'm glad Rachel survived but she may have killed her friend. Brother. Nick has to find his phone and figure out what the police know. So much happening. Looking forward to the next chapter. Rox
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2018
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Well I'm glad Rachel survived but she may have killed her friend. Brother. Nick has to find his phone and figure out what the police know. So much happening. Looking forward to the next chapter. Rox
Comment Written 17-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2018
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Thank you so much for reading my chapter, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Like most criminals, Nick got overly confident made a rookie mistake.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship. It means so much to me, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Exciting episode. Who is her best friend that she killed? What a horrendous thought! Well, at least Tito is dead, and his mother too. She's better off, since it would have killed her to live without her son anyway. A lot of human emotion of all kinds in this. Bravo!
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2018
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Exciting episode. Who is her best friend that she killed? What a horrendous thought! Well, at least Tito is dead, and his mother too. She's better off, since it would have killed her to live without her son anyway. A lot of human emotion of all kinds in this. Bravo!
Comment Written 15-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2018
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Thank you so much for your marvelous review, I'm very honored. Rachel took down the last of the Italian cartel on her own, but did it cost her, her and her best friends life? Who do think the best friend is?
Thank you again for your fantastic review all your help support and friendship, it means a lot to me, take care.
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I don't think it's really her best friend. I think she's being sarcastic. Maybe it's someone who pretended to be a friend but was using or abusing her?
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Oh NO! She hit Joe! She was only trying to survive.
Perhaps in her weakened condition she didn't hurt
him too bad. So I guess Tito and his mother Anna are out of the picture now and it looks as thought Rachael has been found. Well done Dawn. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2018
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Oh NO! She hit Joe! She was only trying to survive.
Perhaps in her weakened condition she didn't hurt
him too bad. So I guess Tito and his mother Anna are out of the picture now and it looks as thought Rachael has been found. Well done Dawn. Nancy:)
Comment Written 15-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2018
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Thank you so much for reading my story, I truly appreciate it. I didn't stump you with the unknown visitor, now did I? Guess I'll have to try a little harder, lol. Joe's a big guy, he can take a lot. Both the kidnappers are dead which puts an end to the Greco clan. Between the last story and this, Rachel has stopped the Italian mafia from coming into the town. Let's hope it didn't cost her her life.
Thank you again for your kind review, all your support, encouragement and friendship. It means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from royowen
I guess the burning question is , did she really kill her best frien, or did she miss because she was so groggy. Silly Nick has misplaced his phone, decides he has to go back to sus it out. Rachel is a real hard nut, she's killed Tito and his mother, . Well done, my friend, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2018
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I guess the burning question is , did she really kill her best frien, or did she miss because she was so groggy. Silly Nick has misplaced his phone, decides he has to go back to sus it out. Rachel is a real hard nut, she's killed Tito and his mother, . Well done, my friend, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 15-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2018
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Thank you for taking the time to read my chapter I really do appreciate all your help and support. You're right that is an important question. The second one is will they get to Rachel in time?
Thank you again for all your help, support and your friendship. It truly means a lot to me, take care.
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Most welcome
Comment from Sugarray77
You developed another great read with this for Death by Delivery. Rachel seems to have been badly hurt and I'm anxious to see what happens next. Good dialogue and plot development. The Italian adds to this a lot. Well done.
Melissa
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2018
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You developed another great read with this for Death by Delivery. Rachel seems to have been badly hurt and I'm anxious to see what happens next. Good dialogue and plot development. The Italian adds to this a lot. Well done.
Melissa
Comment Written 14-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2018
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Thank you so much for all your encouragement and continuing to follow the story, your support is always greatly appreciated. I was having so much fun learning a new language, makes me kind of wish I didn't kill Anna off. Maybe I'll have her family claim the body or something along those lines.
Thank you again for all your support it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Angela Paulson
This chapter was phenomenal. I was a little bummed out it ended this early. I hope Rachel didn't kill her best friend. Very good read, and I can't wait to read more.
Angela
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2018
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This chapter was phenomenal. I was a little bummed out it ended this early. I hope Rachel didn't kill her best friend. Very good read, and I can't wait to read more.
Angela
Comment Written 14-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2018
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Thank you so much for your fabulous review and your wonderful six-stars I am very grateful and honored that you like the chapter so much.
Thank you again for all your support, it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from robyn corum
MD,
I have been off-site so much lately, and I've had to just jump in here where I've found myself, but with your summary, I think I was able to understand things and keep up okay. Thanks to your clear and succinct writing. *smile*
Sounds like an intriguing story-line. Poor, poor girls!
The writing was easy to follow and I had no problems, generally with following what as going on. I did see a few small issues and have made some notes below for your perusal, though you are welcome to use or toss them as you see fit. Only you know what you're trying to accomplish, yes?
To consider:
1.) "This road dead ends in a few feet, so you might as well turn around."
--> possibly reword? If it's truly only a few FEET, they can probably both SEE THAT.
2.) to include air and canines, I'll comb the area.(")
3.) from her restraints as the blood continues to gush down her face.
--> this info may be from a previous passage, but here the only thing you've mentioned is tears down her face
4.) famiglia." You did this to him, to our family, she hisses(.)
--> also --not sure how to tell you to pull this off, but when followed by a speech tag, the punctuation INSIDE that quote mark should be a comma...??
5.) across the room. Just a little further
--> when speaking of distances, it's 'farther'
6.) Nick is driving back to his apartment, thinking about what his bosses had said.
--> Not italics - not thoughts
7.) shoe impression or a piece of thread from my clothes(?)
8.) do I prove that's how he's laundering money(?)
9.) through his vehicle. I(')m sure I picked it up, he
--> swingle q mark, not the double
10.) in the last few paragraphs, you mention the characters 'thinking' quite a bit, though in earlier paragraphs you just SHOW the thoughts without mentioning 'thinking'. Don't think you need to TELL this - just show it.
Thanks - hope this helps!
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2018
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MD,
I have been off-site so much lately, and I've had to just jump in here where I've found myself, but with your summary, I think I was able to understand things and keep up okay. Thanks to your clear and succinct writing. *smile*
Sounds like an intriguing story-line. Poor, poor girls!
The writing was easy to follow and I had no problems, generally with following what as going on. I did see a few small issues and have made some notes below for your perusal, though you are welcome to use or toss them as you see fit. Only you know what you're trying to accomplish, yes?
To consider:
1.) "This road dead ends in a few feet, so you might as well turn around."
--> possibly reword? If it's truly only a few FEET, they can probably both SEE THAT.
2.) to include air and canines, I'll comb the area.(")
3.) from her restraints as the blood continues to gush down her face.
--> this info may be from a previous passage, but here the only thing you've mentioned is tears down her face
4.) famiglia." You did this to him, to our family, she hisses(.)
--> also --not sure how to tell you to pull this off, but when followed by a speech tag, the punctuation INSIDE that quote mark should be a comma...??
5.) across the room. Just a little further
--> when speaking of distances, it's 'farther'
6.) Nick is driving back to his apartment, thinking about what his bosses had said.
--> Not italics - not thoughts
7.) shoe impression or a piece of thread from my clothes(?)
8.) do I prove that's how he's laundering money(?)
9.) through his vehicle. I(')m sure I picked it up, he
--> swingle q mark, not the double
10.) in the last few paragraphs, you mention the characters 'thinking' quite a bit, though in earlier paragraphs you just SHOW the thoughts without mentioning 'thinking'. Don't think you need to TELL this - just show it.
Thanks - hope this helps!
Comment Written 14-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2018
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Thank you for your helpful review and all your suggestions. I've made the necessary changes How does this sound? Tears mix with the stream of blood coming from her head wound as a similar scene replays in her mind. I did mention the detectives finding Rachel's blood in the car in the previous section, but your right I should mention it again.
Please clarify your last comment, I'm not sure I understand.
Thank you again for your helpful review, take care.
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Like this:
Judy strode down the school hallway. 'I'll get that Trisha, if it's the last thing I do.' She grabbed her geometry book and then slammed her locker door.
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But imagine that instead of the q marks I use italics, maybe. (And some people don't use anything.)
I think in some places in your post, you used this method and then in the last couple paragraphs, you used the 'she;'s thinking' method -- actually SAYING that they ARE thinking.
I think you should pick one method.
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I understand now. Thanks for clearing that up. I've gone back and made the changes. Thanks again for all your help, glad your back, take care.
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No problem. I was thinking I might have imagined it. Thanks for your kindness and sweet heart in receiving my comments. Have a marvelous weekend!
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Misty, a real good fast moving chapter between Joe finding Rachael's badge, then Nick cannot find his phone in his car, left me wondering if he found the phone .
Then back again to where Rachel is getting ready to clobber with a crowbar and collapses and leaving us wondering who she killed .
Gert
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2018
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Hello Misty, a real good fast moving chapter between Joe finding Rachael's badge, then Nick cannot find his phone in his car, left me wondering if he found the phone .
Then back again to where Rachel is getting ready to clobber with a crowbar and collapses and leaving us wondering who she killed .
Gert
Comment Written 14-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2018
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Thank you for your great review, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Rachel and her friend are down for the count, hopefully, someone will find them.
Thank you again for your kind review, all your help, support, and friendship, it means a lot to me, take care.
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You are so welcome Mistydawn
Gert
