Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 103 "Chapter Einunddreissig part zwei"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
21 total reviews
Comment from Ben Colder
Those dogs protecting Shana I can see happening. Love to have one like that. Jeff and the biscuits placed me smelling some find baking. Made me hungry. LOL. Good one Barb.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2018
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Those dogs protecting Shana I can see happening. Love to have one like that. Jeff and the biscuits placed me smelling some find baking. Made me hungry. LOL. Good one Barb.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2018
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Thank you for the generous support.
Comment from country ranch writer
NICE WORK UP FOR THE STORY AS IT UNFOLDS IN THIS SEGMENT AND THE DOGS ARE VERY PROTECTIVE OF SHANA AND IT JUST MIGHT BE A GOOD THING.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2018
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NICE WORK UP FOR THE STORY AS IT UNFOLDS IN THIS SEGMENT AND THE DOGS ARE VERY PROTECTIVE OF SHANA AND IT JUST MIGHT BE A GOOD THING.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2018
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It is a good thing, plus the dogs also tend to play another role very soon. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
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Smiles
Comment from robyn corum
Barbara,
I've been off-site so much with my grandbabies that I've missed tons of this story, but this chapter, as always, was well done, tight and crisp. Your writing is always easy to read, with clearly delineated characters that readers can recognize and care about. Great job!
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2018
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Barbara,
I've been off-site so much with my grandbabies that I've missed tons of this story, but this chapter, as always, was well done, tight and crisp. Your writing is always easy to read, with clearly delineated characters that readers can recognize and care about. Great job!
Comment Written 15-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2018
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Grandbabies are a perfect reason to be off the site. My youngest grandbaby will be here to visit for Christmas. I am already getting ready for it.
Comment from rama devi
Hi dear B. good chapter section, as usual. Good dialog and characterization. Great pacing. Fine descriptive detail. Good extended metaphor with the biscuits
A few spags and suggestions:
*
"Okay, I got it. I won't go near the noise, but I would like to know what it is.
Suggest a contraction:
I'd instead of I WOULD
*"When did you talk to Emily(,) and how did you order the swimsuits and actually the food for dinner?"
* Anyway, Emily and I began talking(,) and one thing led to another."
*
"Little lady, Drew's been overprotective(,) and I told him so."
*
"Or(,) bluntly put, I needed protection.
*You have done a great job.
Suggest using you've instead of YOU HAVE
Good parallel with saying 'be careful, you'll burn yourself' about the biscuits as a metaphor for being careful about romance. Subtly woven!
Suggestion for this paragraph (optional)
As they walked through the patio door, Jeff asked, "Sure swimming with Shana's a good idea?" After Anderson's eyes widened, Jeff continued, "Shana in a swimsuit might be more than you can handle. She's definitely a looker."
As they walked through the patio door, Jeff asked, "Sure swimming with Shana's a good idea?"
Anderson's eyes widened
Jeff continued, "Shana in a swimsuit might be more than you can handle. She's definitely a looker."
Warmly,
rd
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2018
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Hi dear B. good chapter section, as usual. Good dialog and characterization. Great pacing. Fine descriptive detail. Good extended metaphor with the biscuits
A few spags and suggestions:
*
"Okay, I got it. I won't go near the noise, but I would like to know what it is.
Suggest a contraction:
I'd instead of I WOULD
*"When did you talk to Emily(,) and how did you order the swimsuits and actually the food for dinner?"
* Anyway, Emily and I began talking(,) and one thing led to another."
*
"Little lady, Drew's been overprotective(,) and I told him so."
*
"Or(,) bluntly put, I needed protection.
*You have done a great job.
Suggest using you've instead of YOU HAVE
Good parallel with saying 'be careful, you'll burn yourself' about the biscuits as a metaphor for being careful about romance. Subtly woven!
Suggestion for this paragraph (optional)
As they walked through the patio door, Jeff asked, "Sure swimming with Shana's a good idea?" After Anderson's eyes widened, Jeff continued, "Shana in a swimsuit might be more than you can handle. She's definitely a looker."
As they walked through the patio door, Jeff asked, "Sure swimming with Shana's a good idea?"
Anderson's eyes widened
Jeff continued, "Shana in a swimsuit might be more than you can handle. She's definitely a looker."
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 15-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2018
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Thank you for the help. I like the ending you suggested much better than mine.
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:-)))
Comment from Sugarray77
Your turn into homebaked goodies and swimming after dinner adds a new facet to your verse... all men like baked food and pretty women.... this will relate well to your readers. Good development and dialogue too. All the best.
Melissa
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2018
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Your turn into homebaked goodies and swimming after dinner adds a new facet to your verse... all men like baked food and pretty women.... this will relate well to your readers. Good development and dialogue too. All the best.
Melissa
Comment Written 13-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2018
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Thank you for the encouraging review.
Comment from Zue65
Wow, the next post will surely be exciting and quite a romantic swimming scenario. I am really a sucker for romance and I enjoy the story of Drew and Shana. I will surely wait for the next post.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2018
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Wow, the next post will surely be exciting and quite a romantic swimming scenario. I am really a sucker for romance and I enjoy the story of Drew and Shana. I will surely wait for the next post.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2018
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I have to share with you, so you won't be disappointed. They never actually make it to the pool. Something comes up.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
I like the idea of swimming, since he'll see her in a swimsuit. I'm sure she chose a grandmotherly one, but he'll see enough to get even more determined. And I love how Shana gets along with Emily. That's important if they get married, and they will. I know you won't let me down. :)
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2018
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I like the idea of swimming, since he'll see her in a swimsuit. I'm sure she chose a grandmotherly one, but he'll see enough to get even more determined. And I love how Shana gets along with Emily. That's important if they get married, and they will. I know you won't let me down. :)
Comment Written 13-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2018
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I have to share with you, so you won't be disappointed. They never actually make it to the pool. Something comes up. I think Emily will play a big part in this.
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Thanks. Nice of you, and I won't tell. :)
Comment from tfawcus
Great dialogue again and some good action tags along the way.
A couple of things:
how did you order swimsuits and actually the food for dinner? [word missing?]
They just came from the oven. They're hot. [Do you need to repeat 'They're hot' after the 'Ouch! Hot, hot hot.'?]
Another good chapter.
"Since I found out you can swim(,) how about swimming after dinner?"
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2018
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Great dialogue again and some good action tags along the way.
A couple of things:
how did you order swimsuits and actually the food for dinner? [word missing?]
They just came from the oven. They're hot. [Do you need to repeat 'They're hot' after the 'Ouch! Hot, hot hot.'?]
Another good chapter.
"Since I found out you can swim(,) how about swimming after dinner?"
Comment Written 12-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2018
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I made the corrections. Thank you for the help. I appreciate it.
Comment from apky
He moved her hand. ~ Barbara, I think this is better with "removed" because you're talking about the hand with the fingers on his lips to stop him talking. "Moved" is like he picked up her hand a wagged it about or something.
Most of them wanted to make the little girls look too grownup(grown up).
They just came from the oven. They're hot. Be careful or you'll burn yourself.~ I think you can delete this sentences but the last; the reader already knows Jeff has taken the biscuits out of the oven. Otherwise, you have to turn it into some relevance, as opposed to redundancy, by making them a fond tease, for example. Like: "Sure they're hot, genius, you just took them out of the oven..." But maybe Shana isn't one for such quips.
Anderson's eyes widen(widened), Jeff continued,
The dialogue was really good in this one, and you also fleshed Shana's character a bit further.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2018
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He moved her hand. ~ Barbara, I think this is better with "removed" because you're talking about the hand with the fingers on his lips to stop him talking. "Moved" is like he picked up her hand a wagged it about or something.
Most of them wanted to make the little girls look too grownup(grown up).
They just came from the oven. They're hot. Be careful or you'll burn yourself.~ I think you can delete this sentences but the last; the reader already knows Jeff has taken the biscuits out of the oven. Otherwise, you have to turn it into some relevance, as opposed to redundancy, by making them a fond tease, for example. Like: "Sure they're hot, genius, you just took them out of the oven..." But maybe Shana isn't one for such quips.
Anderson's eyes widen(widened), Jeff continued,
The dialogue was really good in this one, and you also fleshed Shana's character a bit further.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2018
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Thank you for the help. I made the corrections. I went to my dictionary for grown-up and it's hyphenated. We will see Shana grow from now to the end. Anderson is learning too.
Comment from rtobaygo
Good morning, Barbara
Enjoyed the post. Virtual six. Great dialogue and character interactions. The attention to details is spot on, especially the kitchen scene with Shana trying to get things done, her movemets hampered by the dogs. Loved the last two paragraphs. Well done.
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2018
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Good morning, Barbara
Enjoyed the post. Virtual six. Great dialogue and character interactions. The attention to details is spot on, especially the kitchen scene with Shana trying to get things done, her movemets hampered by the dogs. Loved the last two paragraphs. Well done.
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
Comment Written 12-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2018
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Thank you for the virtual six. I know we don't get enough.
